Page 7 | DH wants to start gym every day before work

Tiswa · 05/03/2025 12:36

Mamof3downsouth · 05/03/2025 12:32

I don’t think there’s anything close to an affair going on. I think it’s because the man he works with goes 6-7 then they go to work from him finishing is the reason he also wants to now join. He also has children and I know his partner, and she struggles with it but they seem to think doing all this is ok. He doesn’t miss bedtime going to the pub on a Friday, his excuse is that he can go every Friday because he finishes early to go so is still home at 5/half 5 like every other day in the week

How will this work with you being vac at work

ProfessionalPirate · 05/03/2025 12:40

Saharafordessert · 05/03/2025 11:04

I think a better compromise is every other morning or something similar. Training in the evening as late as 9pm isn’t ideal as it’s too late to eat afterwards.
Everyone should have the opportunity to exercise tho so make sure you do too.
It does sound as if he’s checking out of family life tho.
Hats off to you OP, 3 under 3 is crazy!

Even every other morning would still be potentially too much - OP will be going back to work soon enough and then it will be all hands on deck mon-Fri making sure everyone gets out to work and nursery on time.

Evening work outs are fine, lots of us do them with no other choice. No need to have a big meal afterwards. There’s always the weekend too.

The only reason the OP’s DH has chosen this time is because he would much rather lose an hour of morning chaos than an hour of relaxing evening sofa time.

LadyBracknellsHandbagg · 05/03/2025 12:40

Mamof3downsouth · 05/03/2025 10:21

So as the post says my DH has said he wants to start going to the gym every morning before work so 6-7.

He leaves for work at 7 and gets home just after 5. We have 3 DC, age 3, 2 and 6 months old. I’m currently on mat leave and my eldest is in nursery so I do the nursery drop off and pick up every day, which is a 15 minute drive

He is self employed the the only day he finishes early is Friday so he can go to the pub.

I’ve asked him if he can go to the gym 8-9 when the oldest 2 are in bed so I’m not doing the whole morning on my own but this isn’t convenient for him, our eldest wake up between 5.30 and 6 (but they go to bed at half 6!)

am I being unreasonable wanting the extra help on a morning? Not sure if I’m just exhausted and want the extra support but being unreasonable.

as he’s self employed, he’s often out weekend mornings looking at/quoting jobs

I just find it very full on with 3 and still BF the baby so the help on a morning is appreciated. He just occupies them; gets the oldest 2 dressed then I sort pack lunch, breakfast and getting them in the car for the nursery run.

Ask him at what time of the day he’s having all of the children so you can go to the gym every day. You obviously don’t have to go to the gym, just go out for an hour to meet a friend, see family etc. He’s taking the mickey.

HelmholtzWatson · 05/03/2025 12:41

Men don't like parenting as much as women. More news at 11.

thepariscrimefiles · 05/03/2025 12:43

Mamof3downsouth · 05/03/2025 10:26

@SkaneTos he doesn’t want to put the kids to bed on his own, so I can but once the children are in bed and I’d have to take the baby, which is why I think I find it hard!

@CobaltSky I’m still getting most my maternity pay and will go back before stat ends as I earn more than he does so need it to afford bills etc. I do get that but also feel like we both chose to have the children and the then he’s having one hour a day with them 🙈

You seem too accepting of him not wanting to put the kids to bed on his own. Of course he can do it, he just doesn't want to. He doesn't need to go to the gym every morning before work unless he is specifically training for some imminent event. He just wants to get out of helping you in the mornings.

You are the higher earner and you seem to do all the wife-work and child care as well. What does he bring to the table?

SpringIsSpringing25 · 05/03/2025 12:44

Kitchensinktoday · 05/03/2025 12:25

If he's self employed, could he delay starting work until 8/8.30 am, and help out with the mornings?

@IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads as I said earlier in the thread, being self employed does not mean you can work whichever hours you fancy!

Actually, it does.

If you can't choose your own hours, you shouldn't be claiming you are self-employed.

Of course, sometimes you take clients on a contract that requires the work done at the same time such as a taxi driver doing a school run, but it's still a choice to take that work on. If your hours are being dictated by someone else then legally you are not self-employed..

Kitchensinktoday · 05/03/2025 12:45

Bumblebeestiltskin · 05/03/2025 12:35

I mean, it mainly does. I've been self employed for 15 years and choose my work hours, and I can't think of a single one of my self employed friends who make themselves work at specific times. It's one of the benefits of being your own boss.

Show quote history

I suppose it depends what you do? DH is in the building trade (self employed) and if he's working on a site, then he needs to be there at the same time as the other trades (who are generally all self employed too). If the concrete is being poured at 7am, then you need to be there!

autisticbookworm · 05/03/2025 12:45

Is there much parenting happening between 6-7am?

Dh wanted to start the gym either 6-7 am 4mor 6-7pm 4x a week, we agreed mornings as there's less doing at that time.

Deadringer · 05/03/2025 12:46

HelmholtzWatson · 05/03/2025 12:41

Men don't like parenting as much as women. More news at 11.

Lots of women don't enjoy it much either, but once the dc are here you just have to get on with it.

Kitchensinktoday · 05/03/2025 12:47

If your hours are being dictated by someone else then legally you are not self-employed..

Utter rubbish @SpringIsSpringing25

DecafDodger · 05/03/2025 12:52

Men don't like parenting as much as women.

Oh who the hell likes doing morning rush with 3 small kids if they could go to the gym instead?

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 05/03/2025 13:01

Erm. I hate to point this out but he's ALREADY taking the piss before he adds in 5 gym sessions a week. You are not being controlling, if anything you need to start setting your expectations that he needs to row in more so that you are a working team and he can capably manage 3 on a solo basis by the time your mat leave ends.

So it would be a flat, ha ha that's very funny, you nearly got me there. Just to be clear that's a hell no from me. You can go for a run at 5.30am while I feed our newborn if you like?

or
That sounds like a great idea - why don't you go on Tues/Thurs/Sat [before going off quoting] and I'll go Mon/Wed/Fri. I'll feed the baby before I go and you just need to get the kids ready to walk out the door before I get back.
Does that sound too hard? Oh - that's because it f*cking is and you'd like me to do it 5 mornings a week on top of overnight feeds? WTAF?

AngelicKaty · 05/03/2025 13:02

Mamof3downsouth · 05/03/2025 12:19

He did want the children - the first two were very much planned and he was very on board and he was the one wanted a close age gap, like his own siblings. The third was a surprise baby, I was on the pill, but also very much loved and wanted!

"... and he was the one wanted a close age gap, like his own siblings." So did you discuss the huge workload involved in having two children close in age, let alone a third? I repeat OP, YANBU, but your DH definitely is and you need to tell him so. This isn't about telling him he can't go to the gym whenever he chooses - it's about reminding him what his priorities should be. He's no longer young and childless and it's high time he grew up and accepted his responsibilities (and stopped sulking!).

Hollyhedge · 05/03/2025 13:06

Every morning is too much. Twice at most

ChaoticCrumble · 05/03/2025 13:07

The big problem with mat leave, and I did it too, is that you start doing 'more because I'm at home more' and the men get used to doing less, think they deserve to do less, and then you basically never ever recover from that! By the time you're back at work and trying to make things equal, to them it feels like you're taking something off them!

ghostofadog · 05/03/2025 13:07

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 05/03/2025 13:01

Erm. I hate to point this out but he's ALREADY taking the piss before he adds in 5 gym sessions a week. You are not being controlling, if anything you need to start setting your expectations that he needs to row in more so that you are a working team and he can capably manage 3 on a solo basis by the time your mat leave ends.

So it would be a flat, ha ha that's very funny, you nearly got me there. Just to be clear that's a hell no from me. You can go for a run at 5.30am while I feed our newborn if you like?

or
That sounds like a great idea - why don't you go on Tues/Thurs/Sat [before going off quoting] and I'll go Mon/Wed/Fri. I'll feed the baby before I go and you just need to get the kids ready to walk out the door before I get back.
Does that sound too hard? Oh - that's because it f*cking is and you'd like me to do it 5 mornings a week on top of overnight feeds? WTAF?

This!

FriendsDrinkBook · 05/03/2025 13:10

I think you're all missing something here and it's that for a woman , the children are their hobby. Men have hobbies outside of the house , women don't. Surely you all know this!

Nope , seriously op , this gym thing is the least of your worries. You already resent him and this will just grow when you return to paid work. You'll be on your knees with tiredness getting 3 ready for childcare and having to rush around all day and evening while he continues to take the easy breezy approach.

Your relationship is already in trouble.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 05/03/2025 13:11

ChaoticCrumble · 05/03/2025 13:07

The big problem with mat leave, and I did it too, is that you start doing 'more because I'm at home more' and the men get used to doing less, think they deserve to do less, and then you basically never ever recover from that! By the time you're back at work and trying to make things equal, to them it feels like you're taking something off them!

This completely.

I think you should start talking about sharing parental leave for the last bit of your mat leave when you drop to £0....... [yes I know he's self employed] so he can get up to speed.

palegazelle · 05/03/2025 13:14

Cheeseburger85 · 05/03/2025 11:07

Why does every thread on here sound like a massive men vs women battle? Holy God!

Yes, we know all men who want time to do things are man babies, useless, workshy, and selfish.

Yes, we know all women are hard done by, selfless, oppressed, have no agency or assertiveness.

Whatever happened to being kind to each other and doing things because it's a nice thing to do? My partner can go chill in the bath etc because I love her, and it's a kind thing to give her time to do.

I cycle most evenings, once child is in bed. It's my way of keeping sane and not being a miserable b×××××d. She allows that because she cares about my sanity. Cos, and I know this is a novel idea, we show kindness to each other!! 😱🤯

In short, get a grip people. It's childish and petty to think "oh so when do I get my time!" It sows resentment, bitterness and ultimately brings about selfishness. If you aren't mature enough to have these convos or care for each other enough to do kind things "just because" then, frankly, you need to grow the hell up.

No wonder so many people are miserable af on here.

I say that w kindness, because I can't stand bullshitting.

Conveniently naive.

Women are always the ones asked to be kinder.

Zippymonkey · 05/03/2025 13:24

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 05/03/2025 13:01

Erm. I hate to point this out but he's ALREADY taking the piss before he adds in 5 gym sessions a week. You are not being controlling, if anything you need to start setting your expectations that he needs to row in more so that you are a working team and he can capably manage 3 on a solo basis by the time your mat leave ends.

So it would be a flat, ha ha that's very funny, you nearly got me there. Just to be clear that's a hell no from me. You can go for a run at 5.30am while I feed our newborn if you like?

or
That sounds like a great idea - why don't you go on Tues/Thurs/Sat [before going off quoting] and I'll go Mon/Wed/Fri. I'll feed the baby before I go and you just need to get the kids ready to walk out the door before I get back.
Does that sound too hard? Oh - that's because it f*cking is and you'd like me to do it 5 mornings a week on top of overnight feeds? WTAF?

Yes this op. Sadly, you are going to have to make him improve. I’d suggest a timetable of everything that needs to be done for the kids and he can pick his 50% of tasks in preparation for you going back to work. Outside of doing his parenting tasks/time and work if he wants to go to gym then he can do what he likes. Oh and you need to take 5 hours off a week too which you should also add to the timetable. Don’t let him get away with weaponised incompetence.

Nanny0gg · 05/03/2025 13:25

Mamof3downsouth · 05/03/2025 10:24

When I say he entertains the eldest, he usually gives them a tablet/phone 🫣 the baby still wakes several times a night so I ask him to get up with the eldest 2 but he doesn’t actually get out of bed until it’s 6.50 ish to get them dressed

So how much actual parenting and domestic work does he do?

What will happen when you go back to work?

Ryanstartedthefire22 · 05/03/2025 13:27

I clicked the wrong one sorry. I think its unreasonable UNLESS he does bedtime to make up for it. By the way this is likely to get even harder after mat leave when you've got a couple in school and one in nursery. Make sure you set the ground rules now!

DuchessOfNarcissex · 05/03/2025 13:29

ChaoticCrumble · 05/03/2025 13:07

The big problem with mat leave, and I did it too, is that you start doing 'more because I'm at home more' and the men get used to doing less, think they deserve to do less, and then you basically never ever recover from that! By the time you're back at work and trying to make things equal, to them it feels like you're taking something off them!

@ChaoticCrumble , that pretty much sums it up.

CheesePlantBoxes · 05/03/2025 13:30

You've clearly got one of "those" husbands.

Unless you're going to make some real waves then you might as well accept it, hope that you are less frustrated by his "help" and get some benefit by asking that he sorts the lunches etc the night before and prep breakfast (packets and bowls out, overnight oats)

palegazelle · 05/03/2025 13:43

Is there anything you want to do for a few hours a week? Maybe he can go to the gym 2 mornings a week and then on weekends you can spend Saturday doing something for you?

You should ask him to stop doing quotes at the weekends immediately. He earns less than you on more hours - doesn't sound like it works for the family at all.

Ask him to do less hours as his time is more valuable spent looking after and raising your kids.