to tell ex that if parents evening is that important, he can sodding well go?

[PyongyangKipperbang]

Youngest of six in senior school. Parents evening once a term and every term it is the same. She is top set and doing very well, not bragging, just a fact. I spend a couple of hours sitting waiting and then probably half an hour total being told that she is doing very well and then getting the sales pitch for her to choose their subject for GCSE. Talked to her earlier about the next one and asked her if she would mind if we didnt go, she said she thought it was a waste of time. Her father messaged me tonight asking if I had made the appointments as he gets the email reminders. I said no as I wasnt going and asked if he had made his own appointments. He went MAD. I am a bad mother, I dont care about her, I should go blah blah. I said that I had been to all the other appointments and it hadnt really told me anything I didnt know but he was welcome to go himself. Again, it was my job, I am a shit mother who doesnt care about her.

So that was when I lost my shit and said "Well considerning you have never been to a single one of her parents evenings, perhaps this is the time you should go if you think it matters so much". Radio Silence.

I dont feel that it will make any difference, DD agrees.

So, if it matters to him so much, he can go right?

Be quiet. I’ve reported you for continually harassing the OP. Please get some help

You misread a huge amount! And misinterpreted the rest.

But there is no way you will accept that. Instead you keep hassling the OP. You have blamed her repeatedly for her ex’s bad behaviour and said ‘they deserve each other. Maybe take a look at your own attitudes.

As for ‘bad language’ it is swearing. You are trying to apply your morals onto others and attempting to police other people’s language. Given your moral compass being so ropey it is really amusing you think this makes you morally superior.

I'm more worried about you having a vote. Your levels of comprehension and empathy are seriously lacking but you have insisted on taking over this thread with your uninformed, self-satisfied, tone deaf contributions.

Have you actually read the OP?

When you have 6 kids they learn to go without and not complain.

I don't see how you can ever fully know she is not holding up a mirror to you, reflecting YOUR opinion because she has learned to go without and not complain.

She will already be a forgotten child because that's what happens with a big family. You can't help it.

I guarantee you, whether either of you admit it, there will be a little part of her feeling that little doubt of neither parent could be bothered. She probably hates it you've both argued over it, even if ex is in the wrong.

Regardless, I would go, just to carve the time to openly celebrate her and take her for a treat on the way home. She might brush it off at the time (still reflecting YOUR opinion) but she won't be able to stop herself also carrying it with her as a positive.

If you seriously think that you have been too kind, you need some sort of psychological or psychiatric help.

Your posting style, hectoring tone and volume of posts seem like harassment to me.

Your support of OP's neglectful and abusive ex-husband is nauseating. OP is missing one parents' evening because her daughter doesn't want to go. OP's DH has never attended even one parents' evening for any of his 4 children but you undertand why he is upset about OP's non-attendance?

I would tell you to leave the OP alone, but as you are enjoying upsetting her and revelling in your smug, misguided self-righteousness, I doubt you would take this advice on board.

I agree that if you have a kid that's doing well there's little point in going to parents evening, especially if they don't want to go. Each appointment is over in 2 minutes and they don't say anything you don't already know. If he paid attention to his DS instead of trying to score points he would know that.
YWNU.

Sorry - DD not DS.
I 've gone back and read some of the last few posts before I noticed I got that wrong! I'm confused now about how the arsey posts are even relevant. 16 year olds voting. What? How did they get there from exH being a dick about parents evening.
I now have to go back and read the rest.
Sorry OP you had to put up with what looks like complete nonsense

ND is a very commonly used acronym on here, can’t believe you haven’t come across it.

Also having read your posts, I agree with PP that you are harassing and clearly can’t see you are in the wrong. You need to stop posting

I simply don’t believe that a victim of domestic abuse would have even thought any of this bullshit, much less said it. You’ve spent the thread basically telling a woman who has been abused at the hands of a partner that she’s somehow brought it on herself and that instead of standing up for herself when she inevitably has to be in contact with him about her DD, she should try to appease him and not ‘provoke’ him.

You weren’t ’too kind’, you’ve been rude and dismissive of the OP and you’ve only skimmed her posts instead of reading them properly because you clearly haven’t understood any of them. And what you haven’t understood you’ve invented to suit your own narrative - which, curiously, seems to be supporting and apologising for abusive, controlling men.

OP’s daughter didn’t want to attend the parents evening. OP agreed they were a waste of time - and wait for it, here’s the crucial bit - that’s because OP is in regular contact with DD’s head of year every couple of weeks, so the parents’ evening wouldn’t have told her anything she didn’t already know. And there is a GCSE choices meeting to which OP has already said she will be going.

Now see if you can wrap your head around the concept that OP isn’t the one who needs to attend the parents evening - her ex is. Because up to this point he’s never been and he hasn’t got the benefit of OP’s regular contact with the school. He’s not going himself but he wants OP to. That’s a control issue - OP is no longer allowing him to control her, so he flew into a rage and verbally abused her.

What concerns me most about your posts is that a victim of domestic abuse would be able to recognise this for what it is - coercive control. The last thing they would do to another victim of domestic abuse is to try to minimise and excuse the behaviour, or try to suggest that OP was ‘provoking’ him - because they would know that these men don’t need provocation. Any contact will likely end in verbal abuse because that’s who he is. Why do you not recognise any of these things ? Why do you advocate for the abuser ?

As DDs parents they will need contact sometimes until she is an adult. Until then OP isn’t really free of his abusive behaviour. She’s not allowing him to control her any longer and he clearly doesn’t like it - hence the abuse. But she doesn’t have to meekly accept it.

You seem new to MN and if you’re going to be a regular contributor you’re going to have to get used to the colourful language. And in the spirit of that, here’s a bit of advice. You’re also going to have to recognise that if you come on to a thread, paint yourself as a victim of DV while demonstrating no understanding of the issues involved - and worse, apologising for abusive controlling pieces of shit, while blaming the victim - you’re going to get your arse handed to you. Every single time.

Op, I've read most of the FT now. In light of his physical and emotional DV, which you had not included in your OP, YABVU.

But not for calling him out. That was NU even if it could be seen as slightly hypocritical (I won't go, but you go if it's important to you, and you're as equally a shitty parent if you do the same as me, ie, refuse to go).

YABU for replying to his query about whether you're attending.

When an ex is abusive, you do well to learn to ignore ignore ignore.

You do not need to offer him the courtesy of a reply like you would do a normal non-abusive person.

He is in an entirely different category of his own. He needs the special treatment of being entirely ignored.

It's none of his business. He's your ex. If he wants to go he can organise it with school. If he doesn't want to go he can shut up and go away. What he can't do is pester you about whether you're going. It's none of his business because he is your ex. It's none of his business because he's not just your ex but he's your extremely abusive ex. You know? The one that is receiving the special treatment of full-on ignore.

So it should go like this:
Abusive ex receiving special ignore treatment: "are you going to school parent evening?"
You:

(Ignoring)

Abusive ex receiving special ignore treatment: " I need to know!"
You:
(Still ignoring, confident that he doesn't need to know, he's just trying to control you)

They eventually learn OP, but they only learn if off you by being ignored.

You shouldn't have to be the one to teach them but it's the only way, other than a non molestation order forbidding all contact.

There’s a child involved here. Or did you forget that ? He also has contact with OP’s daughter because the courts don’t consider him a risk to her - only OP. They are her parents and until she is 18 there is inevitably going to be contact concerning her education/welfare. It sounds like OP is keeping it to the minimum because she’s only too aware that this is who he is - an abusive arsehole.

Oh congratulations, well done you 👏👏👏. In addition to being an apologist for abusive men, you’ve now added ignorant ableist to your credits. I was actually going to ask MN to delete your post above for the sheer offensiveness of you copying and pasting one paragraph about a disability you know absolutely nothing about, and one which OP is living every day through her child - then using it to try to shame OP for her decision not to attend the parents evening.

Read back through OP’s updates and you’ll see that she’s in contact with DD’s head of year every couple of weeks throughout the school year to make sure there are no problems. DD is doing well and attending the parents evening won’t tell OP anything she doesn’t already know. She’s repeated this several times now - so why can you not understand it ? Seems perfectly clear to everyone else here.

As l say, l was going to ask MN to delete your post, but decided it was better to let it stand as an example of the most shameful ableism, and one which exposes you for what you really are.

But you had to Google ND ???????

No, you advised her not to ‘provoke’ him and said you could understand why he was ‘upset’. That’s failing to recognise coercive control and victim blaming. If you’re a victim of DV yourself it’s very concerning that you don’t understand that.

Considering some of the opinions you’ve expressed here, to be honest I’m more concerned about you having the vote.

If you read back through the thread, one or two posters have said similar, which prompted OP to talk to her daughter again about the parents evening and she really doesn’t want to go. She’s even asked OP if they can skip the options evening as she has already made her GCSE choices, which OP supports. OP has yet to decide about the options evening - from what she’s said l think some of the teachers are bringing pressure to bear on DD about opting for their subjects when she doesn’t want to, so possibly there may be something to be gained by attending.

And from what OP has said about her involvement in DD’s education, including her long standing bi-weekly contact with the head of year regarding her ND, it doesn’t seem like DD is ’going without’.

@Lovelysausagedogscrumpy
"There’s a child involved here. Or did you forget that ? He also has contact with OP’s daughter because the courts don’t consider him a risk to her - only OP. They are her parents and until she is 18 there is inevitably going to be contact concerning her education/welfare. It sounds like OP is keeping it to the minimum because she’s only too aware that this is who he is - an abusive arsehole."

No, I didn't forget that. It makes no difference in this specific example.

I speak from my own personal experience. The judge said he's not a risk to DC just because he was abusive with me. Seems a fairly normal stance some judges take.

But I’ve had to learn not to reply and if I reply then IABU because it is not imperative that anyone replies in this situation. OP can ignore. Even with a child! Especially over a school parent evening.

Please tell me when I said I could understand why he was upset.

I did. I am not familiar with all the illnesses which are reduced to initials.

Would you know what GBS/CIDP is?

I divorced my first husband. I stated that on a previous post. Why would you think I have no experience of abusive men?

I read and re-read every post the OP wrote.

OP says she doesn't consider herself a victim, how is anything me or anyone else says 'victim bashing' ? It is common sense. If there are no victims in a divorce, there are none after.

That word is overused and watered down. What will it mean in the future?

If you know what starts him off, why press his buttons? It is a very dangerous thing to do.

The OP admitted that she lost her temper. She said 'lost her s---' which I take to mean the same. Once you lose your temper, you lose an argument. Common knowledge.

When he called her a 'bad mother' she rounded on him and said him NEVER going made him a worse (s---) DF. Did he ever go to his DD's school all the years they were married?

That is what she wrote. Am I wrong? I called it six of one and half a dozen of the other. It has nothing to do with 'victim bashing', especially if she says she isn't a victim.

The OP is divorced. They only need to contact one another for the sake of the child. In this case the first contact was the DF who asked the OP if she was keeping the appointment. Why did it start a row? She could just have said 'no'.

When you make a child together, it is the responsibility of both to ensure that child grows up to be a level headed adult.

Parents have to love the child more than they hate each other. They have to be civil to one another for the child's sake.

DD has visitation with her DF, who messaged the OP about his DD's meet teacher appointment.

Don't blame me for her posts' confusions. The OP said she was sure she was right, but there was a 'but', so she wasn't sure. I filled in the 'but' and she didn't agree. Did you all have to use bad language to tell me that you didn't agree?

Did I touch a raw nerve?

As I said, while you are having a go at me, you are leaving some other poor soul alone, because you all have to have a go at someone, don't you?

The meet teacher evening is important. Many posters said so. It is a meeting of parents and class teachers, about the child's progress and future. It is not a head teacher meeting about health issues. The two are separate.

A 16 year old with issues should decide if the parents go or not. Other posters said how important it is. The parents must make up their own minds. If the child doesn't want to go, the parents can go alone. Don't you agree?

In the OPs first post, she berated posters because none had answered her question properly. She just wanted to have our approval at the abuse of her X.

I told her if she knew he was abusive, why respond to him? Nothing to do with victim bashing. Good sound advice. Free counselling, if you like. They don't live together, so why reply?

When I said 'after having 6 children she should know what angers him, she responded with the news that actually, this was his only child with her.

For 11 school years he had NEVER been to any of her schools to meet teachers? If true, it was very bad indeed. Was it only acceptable after the divorce? Was it never discussed in the marriage?

How can divorced parents row about not wanting to go to meet their DD teachers? He asked if she was keeping the appointment. Instead of saying just 'no' she told him that she had NO INTENTION of going. I got the first impression that she COULDN'T go, and OP balled me out because I wrote 'couldn't' instead. I really though that no parent would refuse to meet their child's teachers. My sympathy was for DD, not for him.

She was asking if she was justified in calling him a SF after he called her a bad mother'? You have to love your children more than you hate each other. If she didn't persuade him to go when they were married, why expect it now?

You won't agree with me, but for the OP to say her X was so afraid of her he 'cowered behind a door' when she dropped off DD is nasty. Did he just want to avoid another row?

We can’t because it was deleted! All the threads you are on you get embroiled in an argument with people saying you are being rude. Do you genuinely have such little self reflection?

For someone who professes to have been chairman on the board of governors of more than one school for the disabled, you don’t seem to have a very good grasp of what they entail. And I’m trying very hard not to see your last sentence as shockingly ableist, and I’m afraid I’m failing.

I don't. Why would I? You mothers ask questions and I answer them. We are supposed to be a democratic country with free speech.

Why ask questions if you only expect people to agree with you? I have always maintained that there are two sides to every question.

If you think having my responses deleted has any sort of affect on me, you are wrong. I answer with my opinion. If I refuse to accept that there could be a more amicable arrangement when it comes to children's education, I have the right to say it.

I will not agree with someone who thinks they have the right to throw insults as a response.

Parents should love their children more than they hate each other. They should stand united when it comes to anything to do with the children they have made together. There is no need for abuse on either side when they are divorced.