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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex’s wife has died

260 replies

CrispyDosa · 04/03/2025 16:52

Just that my ex’s wife died very suddenly yesterday.

I don’t know what to think or do.

Husband was constantly unfaithful but she was not the other woman but she made my daughter’s relationship with her father very difficult. Obviously he was culpable too.

My ex in-laws found her very intrusive.

I want to drive to the house and see him but don’t know how I will be greeted. I don’t care for myself but wouldn’t want to upset him or her kids.

it obviously isn’t about me or even my daughter but I am completely numb and don’t know what to do.

What would you do?

OP posts:
Coconutter24 · 05/03/2025 09:30

CrispyDosa · 04/03/2025 17:07

My instinct is telling me to go and see him but my brain is telling me that this would disturb her children.

I think I will text him.

Listen to your brain, this isn’t about you so if you want to do anything just send a card (which I read you’re going to do) or a text. Imagine if everyone who heard the news turned up on his and his children’s doorstep, it would be far to much and intrusive. No more is needed from you, ex will have family and friends to help him. The only thing you need to do is make sure your DD is ok.

tallhotpinkflamingo · 05/03/2025 09:30

CrispyDosa · 04/03/2025 17:21

She and my daughter did not have a good relationship. My daughter seems frankly indifferent and doesn’t want to talk about it.

I am sending a card via my ex MiL.

Henry VIII themed card? He has a divorced and a died.

BestBeforeddmmyy · 05/03/2025 17:43

MarchingintoSpring · 04/03/2025 16:53

Call him and ask if he wants you to pop over.

I would do this.

DeadSpace3 · 05/03/2025 17:45

Send a text saying "heard the news, hope you're ok" and leave it at that.

CleaningAngel · 05/03/2025 18:06

CrispyDosa · 04/03/2025 16:52

Just that my ex’s wife died very suddenly yesterday.

I don’t know what to think or do.

Husband was constantly unfaithful but she was not the other woman but she made my daughter’s relationship with her father very difficult. Obviously he was culpable too.

My ex in-laws found her very intrusive.

I want to drive to the house and see him but don’t know how I will be greeted. I don’t care for myself but wouldn’t want to upset him or her kids.

it obviously isn’t about me or even my daughter but I am completely numb and don’t know what to do.

What would you do?

Say nothing and do nothing, no need to get involved

ColourBlueColourPurple · 05/03/2025 18:09

I wouldn't really care tbh, especially not if she helped make the father daughter relationship difficult.

Bepo77 · 05/03/2025 18:11

My god OP, stop. You’re trying to rationalise inappropriate feelings, simple as.

If my DH died and my ex knocked on my door I’d be livid till the end of my days - it would make me feel like I was being unfaithful.

DetectiveSleuth · 05/03/2025 18:14

Don’t be a grief thief. Just leave him to it. If he needs you, he’ll ask he won’t.

ALovelyShadeofMauve · 05/03/2025 18:16

This does not mean I want him back and it is grotesque for people to think that.

“Grotesque” is going a bit far. I think people are just genuinely bewildered by your motivation here. Your daughter didn’t have a particularly good relationship with her, so it’s not about reassuring your ex that you’ll support your child through this. It doesn’t sound like your ex treated you very well, and nothing you’ve said suggests you’ve become friends, or even particularly friendly beyond standard co-parenting.

She was nothing to you - get you describe as “completely numb”. People are just trying to understand why you care at all, beyond the standard level of sadness that someone has died too young and left children behind.

Tildycatpuss1968 · 05/03/2025 18:20

CrispyDosa · 04/03/2025 17:24

FFS NO! I will never get back with him. WTF would put that in people’s heads?

The fact he’s your ex and yet you want to go over. It’s not an outrageous suggestion given your post.

JustAnotherManicMomday · 05/03/2025 18:23

Drop him a message to say you are there if they need anything but keep your distance unless he asks. Better to avoid confrontation if his heads not in the best place you don't know how he will react.

MakkaPakkasCave · 05/03/2025 18:24

I don’t see why you would get involved? He’s an ex for a reason 🤷‍♀️

Slidingthrulife · 05/03/2025 18:28

Interesting that in your first part of your post you are very passive aggressive about her though she has passed … I am not sure what you think you will achieve by going to see him. If she was a positive influence on his life and that of your daughter then I would understand it but actually it sounds like you didn’t really like her ?

operafiend · 05/03/2025 18:32

Nothing. It's not to do with you.

Thomasina79 · 05/03/2025 18:42

I would send a condolence card. I don’t think a text is appropriate when someone dies. A card takes a little thought, but perhaps I’m old fashioned in this?

SillyOldBucket · 05/03/2025 18:42

I would message him first rather than turn up unannounced

Dollydaydream100 · 05/03/2025 18:58

Why would you go round? Unless you knew her well/were close?

I wouldn't dream of going round to exes house if his wife died - I'd send a text expressing condolences at the very most.

independentfriend · 05/03/2025 19:10

English mourning customs aren't universal. In this instance you could nick a Northern Irish one and bake a lasagne/ cottage pie / veggie alternative and drop it off / send via your ex mother in law. Grieving people still need to eat and her children may be able to accept this kind of practical support whilst getting emotional support elsewhere.

Gloriia · 05/03/2025 19:14

independentfriend · 05/03/2025 19:10

English mourning customs aren't universal. In this instance you could nick a Northern Irish one and bake a lasagne/ cottage pie / veggie alternative and drop it off / send via your ex mother in law. Grieving people still need to eat and her children may be able to accept this kind of practical support whilst getting emotional support elsewhere.

It's her ex's dw whom she didn't like, her dd didn't like and even the mil didn't like. Is it really a northern Irish tradition to intrude on an ex's grief with pies and lasagne?

Retiredfromearlyyears · 05/03/2025 19:19

Send him a wee message and after expressing your sympathise tell him you are around if he needs help with anything.
That's probably enough.

Sparsely · 05/03/2025 19:28

Yeah be careful. Grief stirs up a lot of feelings and people can’t handle it. Then they go looking for an event to hang all those feelings on. So the wife dies and his ex is round here next day etc etc, m definitelyopen to misinterpretation in a high emotion situation.

Send a card as others suggested.

CMTwb1941 · 05/03/2025 20:03

It will be a big mistake to get involved again in any way .
Men can get very dependent and maudlin at such times and often end up with another woman quite soon . He will have plenty of other shoulders to cry on by
the sound of it . Do not wallow in any sentient or feeling of being needed .

HardyCrow · 05/03/2025 20:06

Chuchoter · 04/03/2025 17:11

It's absolutely nothing to do with you.

How do you know this?. Many people have amicable divorces and stay in touch esp if they have children together.

CRD67 · 05/03/2025 20:35

Get over him. Nothing to do with you.

Bluenotgreen · 05/03/2025 20:38

HardyCrow · 05/03/2025 20:06

How do you know this?. Many people have amicable divorces and stay in touch esp if they have children together.

Show quote history

I suspect posters have been checking out OPs previous posts…She was not a fan of her exs wife.