Ex’s wife has died

[CrispyDosa]

Just that my ex’s wife died very suddenly yesterday.

I don’t know what to think or do.

Husband was constantly unfaithful but she was not the other woman but she made my daughter’s relationship with her father very difficult. Obviously he was culpable too.

My ex in-laws found her very intrusive.

I want to drive to the house and see him but don’t know how I will be greeted. I don’t care for myself but wouldn’t want to upset him or her kids.

it obviously isn’t about me or even my daughter but I am completely numb and don’t know what to do.

What would you do?

Yes no doubt. To support the mil and the dd of course, neither or whom liked the poor deceased..

Hmm. Take a look at her posting history. This is not a divorced couple who now co parent with any consistency or harmony.

If it was I'd be understanding of the role that she could potentially play. Instead, there's anger, resentment of the way her daughter is treated/has been treated and as one of the first things she wanted us to know about her now widowed exH is that he was/is a serial cheater, I'm feeling a great deal more to unpack.

Why are you making her death about you?

I wouldn't do anything. It doesn't really have anything to do with you, especially taking into account the fact your daughter didn't get on with her and doesn't have a great relationship with her dad. It feels like you're busy-bodying.

This, why on earth @CrispyDosa would you think you'd be welcomed/wanted?! Her children are there and obviously grieving and you think its appropriate to insert yourself?!

Exactly. If my partner died I'd be bloody furious if my ex husband showed up.

I think it's grotesque that your "instinct" was to rush over to ex's home when it's obvious you intensely disliked the wife who just freaking died and so does your daughter. What kind of comfort can you give a bereaved family when you can't stand the person that died? That's not nice, that's a hypocritical bitch move.

I call bullshit, lady.

Well, with MIL at your house, at least her family doesn't have to deal with 2 women who disliked her showing their two faced faces.

That's the best post so far 😂💯👏

I think the op just wants to show some sympathy for her ex-husband. She hasn't rushed over, she said she felt like going over but was asking opinion on what she should do.

Absolutely. Thread is mn bat shit crazy, me centric, min character syndrome ahoy!!

A sudden death is a horrendous shock and tbh you visiting wouldn’t help at all simply because nothing will help in these very early days.
They’ll have doctors, coroners office, funeral directors and a hundred other things to do, papers to find, honestly it’s a nightmare situation.
What helped me was people sending condolences, just saying they were thinking of me. I really couldn’t cope with visitors.
Just a card offering your condolences and saying they are in your thoughts is the best thing you can do right now.

My honest thoughts are that your ex & her family won’t want you there . It’s not your place to be with your ex and it’ll probably be awkward for those who are grieving
. Stay at home and look after your daughter , she’s your priority

Not sure why you'd feel that you need to do anything tbh? He's your ex and is likely being supported by his own friends and family.

@CrispyDosa

Send a generic, not 'soppy', sympathy card and sign it "My condolences on your loss, CrispyDosa". That's it. No visits, no texts or phone calls. If he feels he needs to speak to you, let him make that move.

Do not attend the funeral unless your DD specifically requests that you support her. And don't force or encourage her to go if she doesn't want to.

Send a sympathy card and do nothing else.

The man chose this woman and her feelings over his own child.Fuck him and her.You owe them both nothing.

This all sounds very empath / grief vampire to me. Support your daughter and let your ex-MIL Support her son and his family.

Don't do anything except support your daughter if she needs it. Why would you?

Gosh, I’ve just done this and realised which poster it is. The idea that they would want to be there for this man is even more unbelievable now.

Massive main character/drama/grief vulture.

My mother-in-law inserted herself into the situation when my father-in-law's 2nd wife died, and all she did was upset everyone including her own sons.
Send condolence, then just be there if anyone needs you.

Send a handwritten card saying you are very sorry for his loss and would be glad to see him if he’d like that. Don’t go round , it’s too soon.

It wouldn't look good.

His wife dies and his ex wife is on the scene in a matter of days.

Let him grieve.

I would send a text offering condolences and letting him know you are there if he needs anything.

His wife dies and his ex wife is on the scene in a matter of days.

The thing is, they have a child together.
Who still goes there EOW (I assume).

So yes, having the ex on the scene in a matter of days is to be expected. If only for that. If only to say ‘appreciate it’s a hard time for you. Do you want dd to come or would you prefer she stays at home with me’

If they had no link what so ever, then yes, it would be really weird. But they do.

That can be done by text though and the OP has said that the relationship between her DD and her ex was strained and she rarely went there. If there isn't much relationship between the child and her father there is even less reason for the OP to need to involve herself.

It would be weird in the OP's case. Not many people just turn up at a bereaved person's house if they are not really close. OP just needs to send a text or a card if she wants to do anything.

EOW - you assume? That’s a bery bold assumption when OP said here that her daughter doesn’t see her dad often at all. She also has previous posts saying her daughter refused for over 9 months to even visit her father.

Rushing back to “comfort” the ex who clearly has repeatedly let DD down? Nah. OP is inserting herself where she does not belong when she should be focused on DD.