Ex’s wife has died

[CrispyDosa]

Just that my ex’s wife died very suddenly yesterday.

I don’t know what to think or do.

Husband was constantly unfaithful but she was not the other woman but she made my daughter’s relationship with her father very difficult. Obviously he was culpable too.

My ex in-laws found her very intrusive.

I want to drive to the house and see him but don’t know how I will be greeted. I don’t care for myself but wouldn’t want to upset him or her kids.

it obviously isn’t about me or even my daughter but I am completely numb and don’t know what to do.

What would you do?

Maybe the Mil went to see her granddaughter. Maybe the OP remained close to her mil when she split with her ex.

I don’t understand what is supposed to be odd here, this sort of shit happens all the time.

From what you have posted, it sounds like you didn't like her at all, and you don't like your ex much either.

It's therefore really hard to understand a good motive as to why you would want to go and see him immediately after her death, and very, very easy to think up unpleasant ones e.g.: you want to get back with him, or you want to rub it in his face that the life he made after you has fallen apart, and he should have stayed with you.

I'm not saying those are your motives, OP, but they make a much more coherent explanation than what you have been able to articulate, and so that is probably how people's minds will run.

This made me laugh.

I could imagine my DH's ex turning up with a roast dinner and a cake to make sure my DH didn't starve.

OP, please just keep out of it.

Your ex barely sees your daughter. In what will this poor woman’s death actually impact you?

Just get on with your day and leave the people who actually knew the poor woman to grieve.

I do have feelings for the father of my child and I am so sorry that he is going through this. This does not mean I want him back and it is grotesque for people to think that.

I did not contact my ex MiL. She arrived at my house. She had been supporting my ex but felt that his step-daughter did not want her around.

My ex has people supporting him but obviously it is her children that need support and they didn’t want to intrude on them.

Your ex's wife just died.
You don't like her
Your DD doesn't or didn't like her
Your ex in laws don't like her

Yet, your 'instincts' are telling you to go and be with your ex? what for? anybody with a brain will come to the conclusion your rushing to insert yourself back into his life. Fake offers of help with the kids etc

A sensible person will think, 'Oh, that's awful' a call to pass on your condolences and maybe arrange to have the kids while he gets himself together. Nothing more. You seem to think your physical presence is needed at his side for reasons only you can fathom and think everyone thinking you're trying to get back with him is 'grotesque'. Ok.

It’s way too soon for anything.

I’m not really sure why you’d want to go and see him.
He’s busy with his family and the last thing him or his kids need is the ex trying to be part of if all.

Send a condolences card and leave it at that.

Your job is to focus on your DD and explain how her dad may be physically or emotionally unavailable for a little while.

You overly invested in this poor woman’s death. Why’s it matter if your kid never even went round? Why are you assuming your daughter would feel bad? Just send him a card, you’re thinking of him and for him to reach out if he needs anything. Then go about your business.

Exactly this.

She's nothing to any of your family. And everything to another's.

Leave your ex's family alone you're like some weird hanger on with attachment issues. You aren't needed, but you're so desperate to be part of his life that you're even trying to justify your absence. There's no justification required. You aren't supposed to be there. It's nothing to do with you and your daughter barely sees your ex and couldn't stand the poor woman who's passed.

Leave them alone, have some dignity.

Perhaps old patterns of learnt behaviour are surfacing for you? Or in your heart of hearts you miss him? You had a shared history, a relationship and children that ended. Perhaps you didn't want it to? However he cheated on you and had moved on. It's ok to feel how you do. Also death of another immediately reminds us that it comes to us all, makes us think what if that was me? How would I feel? What would I want? But in this case unless you and the ex are best friends leave him alone.

Step back. It's a sad situation but not your place to provide support. When my family member died, someone rocked up at our door who thought they should be a chief mourner. They were very lucky I didn't punch them. Please DO NOT go anywhere near your Ex and his family.

This is a sensitive answer. OP, I’m sorry this happened, but really a card via ex-MIL or text will suffice. Stay out of it and help your daughter process her feelings. People are in shock right now.

So to be clear your ex-MIL, who felt her recently deceased DIL was "intrusive", felt that a young child (her DSGD) didn't want her there so she left her grieving son to come round and spend the day with his ex, who also didn't like the deceased? She may have been better going home and considering how her relationship with her son recovers from this (presuming that he's aware that she didn't like his wife or apparently his DSCs) and you would be better getting on with your day OP.

Your Daughter’s experience with this person really doesn’t seem to bother you op

I am trying to imagine a scenario where one of my adult sons has just lost their partner and instead of dashing straight to be with them, I choose to visit their ex partner instead, because she and I are still close. Even going there to be with the granddaughter makes no sense. This was her just her step-mother who she was not at all close to. The woman's son has just lost his wife.

This is all sorts of odd. I am going to assume that his parents didn't much like the new wife, but even so, you'd think they'd be there for their son first, before being with the OP, however close they might still be.

Edited to say: crossed post with the OP's update about her ex's mum.

😁

So fucking weird. Rushing to impose yourself into ex’s life the minute his wife days.

Your poor DD hardly sees her own father, why would you rush to the side of a man who has made such bare minimum effort to support your poor DD in the (how many??) years he’s been with his wife?

Or are you just seeing her as the villain who got in the way, and now she’s gone and out of the way you can get things back to normal?

"My ex in-laws found her very intrusive."

What? You mean your ex's family?

Read your updates and not all other posts @CrispyDosa but I'm sure I'm not the only one feeling you are inserting yourself into the narrative on this one.

It's not your job to feel numb. It doesn't matter that you don't know what to do for your Ex DH. The clue is in the word "ex" and it does not sound like you co parented well.

It's your job to be there for your daughter and to help her process what she might be thinking or feeling.

The fact you, who did not like the deceased, and your ex MIL, who also did not like her, have spent the afternoon together feels like you are forming a little cabal? Super.

'The fact you, who did not like the deceased, and your ex MIL, who also did not like her, have spent the afternoon together feels like you are forming a little cabal? Super.'

Yes very inappropriate and a bit crass really. Like they're enjoying the drama.

Write a card Op and that’s it.

Stay tuned for the "should I go to the funeral" drama...

It’s just the way Op worded it. “Ex mil spent the afternoon with me”. It makes it sound like OP is in need of support and mil rushed round to support OP during this absolutely devastating time for her.

This happened to my ex. I sent a card with condolences and just put to contact me if he needed anything. By then our kids were adults, and her death wasn't completely unexpected, but I thought a card showed that I had sympathy (his ex was always very good to our kids though), but without intruding.

I didn’t think that at all. To me it just came across that OP wanted to offer her condolences face to face, to a man she once loved and cared for. I agree with OP it’s a bit gross you are all suggesting such a thing.