I think SS is hurting my baby

[GreenPinkLilac]

I have an SS, 6, two older SC and a baby who is nearly 1. When my baby was about three months old I saw SS squeezing her legs too hard. She was in a bouncy chair in the kitchen whilst I cooked and he was crouched in front of her and didn’t know I was watching. He did it twice, it was hard enough to leave bruises and he admitted it when I stopped him. Obviously I was very angry and upset but didn’t get cross with him, talked it through and watched him like a hawk for months afterwards. His dad was furious too.

Last weekend SC were here and the baby now has bruises all over her legs which look a lot like finger marks. Nursery have written up an incident report. I am as sure as it’s possible to be that it wouldn’t be the older SC, and I don’t see how the marks could have been made other than by squeezing.

I’ve known SS since he was a toddler and he’s very attached to me so it makes sense that he would be jealous because the baby takes up my time, but I cannot have this happen again. He is a high needs, high energy child who gets more 1:1 attention than anyone else when he’s in our house, but can never get enough attention.

Please talk me through an appropriate approach because I am beyond furious right now.

Are these marks the same size as SS fingers? Seeing as your dc is 1, I would presume she would be somewhat mobile or maybe commando crawling if not fully crawling. If so, it’s common for them to get bruising on their shins and knees, even from crawling over toys.
Does your dc kick their legs up while in their high chair? That can also cause bruising. I had to stick foam lining on mine as ds2 kicks his legs up against the table part.
I would presume if he’d grabbed her legs enough to cause bruising, she would have cried.

Trust your instincts. I think unfortunately when you’re cooking or something and stepson is visiting, your options are:

• baby in a carrier
• baby in a bouncer, on playmat, in play pen etc and call step son to you to help you with the cooking
• tell him he can’t play with baby at the moment because she has some strange bruisers on her legs, because someone has hurt her so she is especially fragile at the moment and watch his reaction.
• cameras in her bedroom etc.

Don’t have all the kids on your own at once if possible.

You definitely need to talk to him proactively. Either way, it sounds like your SS might benefit from 1-1 therapy.

i agree moving him in is a silly suggestion. But on the other hand you have replies like this! And they are much more prevalent on this thread:
”I really, really think that the 6-year-old stepson should be sent to live with his mother full-time.
If he squeezed the baby's legs hard enough to leave bruises, that's sickening and despicable. OP, you're going to have to have your baby pretty much attached to you at all times if this disgusting child isn't removed from her home. I would have her sleep next to you too, if he doesn't go.”

When it comes to dehumanising children in the family it’s always the step children.

While the language is extreme it is not dehumanising. Dehumanising is when a person is likened to an animal or thing.

It’s sad the type of language people are using here to talk about a 6 year old boy. I’m obviously not condoning him hurting a baby, his other siblings or anyone else for that matter. But people have referred to him as a devil child, a brat, said he needs an exorcism etc etc
Its really uncalled for

I suppose you could also try to catch him out and do a good cop/bad cop routine with DH.

”Do you want to tell me anything about how baby got those marks on her legs? I need you to think about it and try to remember…”

”Are you sure you don’t need to tell me anything? Because if you tell me the truth we can try and make this right.”

I actually think this is a really good idea for an immediate solution while you figure out something more long term

I don’t know the answer or have any advice to give, but you sound like a really nice person and stepmum, OP, and some of the comments on here are ridiculous. He’s obviously a troubled little soul, but you need to keep your baby close until this is resolved.

I will say though, ‘get a nanny cam’ is this thread’s version of cancel the cheque

I don't think OP has dehumanised or been cruel about SS at all. I've been active on MN and the Step-parenting board for many years and it's phenomenal what some mumsnetters think stepmothers should be responsible for, and what children of second families should have to live with. I would argue that violence is not one of those things, and his parents are responsible for ensuring this does not happen again. OP's responsibility extends to ensuring the safety of her child.

Absolutely. Protect your child. You don't need this worry.
He's got problems. Might be worse next time.
So what of his mum supports him.
She's doing herself no favours if she dosent get help for him anyway.

Your baby is your priority.

If that was my baby, he would no longer be a part of the family! How long before he's holding a pillow over her face? He's a step child and he sounds dangerous...

If he was mine, I’d have him in sports and Cubs to make friends and encourage play dates, but he’s not here enough.

Sorry, but you’re minimising his behaviour, OP. He needs more help than sports and cubs! There’s a reason he has no friends at school and you’ve admitted yourself that he struggles socially. There’s something going on with your SS, whether that be additional needs or something else. Early intervention could help him enormously. Your DH needs to liaise with his ex to sort this.

For now, you need to protect your baby. If nursery are reporting the bruises then you could have Social Services looking into this. You’ll have to demonstrate what you’re doing to protect your baby. If that means not having SS round until he’s been assessed by outside agencies, then so be it. Present it to him as his general behaviour not him hurting your baby so he doesn’t resent your baby more.

It is worth losing sleep over, this is a baby, and it would be terrible if something very serious happened.

You can't be too careful.. Child sounds like he needs some help.

He isn’t the op’s husbands step child though, he is his son. As his father, he must step up and tackle this behaviour, involving the mum too.

Would I, hand on heart, want this boy in my home after he had deliberately hurt my baby repeatedly? No.

But it isn’t as straightforward as just saying he isn’t welcome and to be fair, op appears to be very well aware of that based on her posts. She’s trying very hard to be balanced, from what I am reading.

I agree with this. I’ve been on the boards for a few years and the things people say about step mums and particularly children of second families is often so callous and cruel.

I try to write on posts involving a step mother , because I know the responses will be so awful and if someone actually takes it to heart , it’s devastating.

Thanks everyone for your replies, I have read them all.

I didn't notice the marks until Sunday night when they’d left as the baby was wearing dungarees that cover her legs. The bruises have nearly gone now (nursery report on all marks, however faint) but I’ve photographed them. When SC return, we will question them all on how it looked like finger marks and explain that nursery are worried someone is hurting her, and ask how they think it happened. There’s absolutely no point in raising on the phone as SS will deny it, his mum will hang up, and we’ll get a barrage of abuse about how we’re attacking SS and he’s a victim of our malicious lies.

I fully expect SS to deny all knowledge. To be honest, he may even have forgotten by now. I am almost certain he did it, but I can’t prove it and I don’t think it was premeditated. He’s very impulsive. I can imagine it happening because he was annoyed she wasn’t paying attention to him more than a deliberate plan to hurt her. But the outcome is the same, she’s been hurt, and I am taking it seriously.

We have discussed it tonight and one of us will have responsibility for one each of them at all times, and SS will not be allowed to interact with BD unless we are actively watching. Practically, this means he’ll have less 1:1 time with both of us. It feels really painful to think we can’t trust him, but here we are. She still cosleeps so he has no access to her at night.

If it ever happens again I’d get the cameras, but what would I do with the “evidence” even if it did get caught? It’d be footage of him touching her legs, at very most. I don’t feel comfortable with being recorded at all times in my own home and I don’t want to subject the children to it either. This could just have easily happened in the garden, the park, the car, the restaurant or museum we went to, our friends’ house… If he wants to do it and be sneaky, cameras won’t stop him. They’d be an extra thing to ‘beat’ which would make him feel powerful, as a PP said.

I’d be lying if I said this behaviour wasn’t damaging the love I have for SS. I vowed when I was pregnant that I’d still love and treat SC the same as before, but I never imagined he’d hurt a baby.

@GreenPinkLilac I think you and DH are doing the right thing to have one watch SS and one watching baby at all times. I know it's awful having to do stuff like this but it is better for all of them really. He might just be really impulsive but if this is resulting in people being hurt then the way parenting happens needs to reflect that. Some children do need to be watched all the time and that's not a judgement, it's just needed.

As for help for SS, after we’ve spoken with him we’ll inform the school and ask for any help they can offer in terms of play therapy or managing emotions, and ask for their view on whether he has ADHD.

As I said they’ve recently changed schools, this one seems much stricter and he seems to be behaving much better there.

We will inform his mum but won’t be expecting any joined up planning for his behaviour on that front.

This does happen. My SD is 9 and I've a few times see her hurt my 2 yo, most recently throwing a hot cup of soapy water in her eyes in the bath. It's jealousy, which is understandable, as my SD has said, she gets to see her Dad part time and my child is with both her parents full time. How I deal with it is that I watch them constantly and never let them play alone together. I reinforce that they are both loved and we make sure that we have lots of fun family times where they both get attention. I think this is a 'long game' situation. SS is 6, so still quite a baby himself. You now cannot leave them alone and do need to speak to SS, perhaps it is also time to look for age appropriate therapy for him if he is also hurting the other children. You have to find ways to get him to behave in your home and understand the rules, because if this continues as he gets older you really don't want a situation where you have to ban your SS from your home for your own child's safety. Apart from the damage to the child it will ruin your marriage. You should also think about DH focussing a lot of 1-1 time on SS, as he is obviously struggling.

I think you need to get to addressing why he's doing this..he jealous like yours aid and wants your attention. You've also said mum has a younger one so you would've been his safe space until new baby came along this side aswell so he's feeling sidelined. So dona 2 pronged approach. Let him know what he's done is wrong and consequence, but also let him know your still there for him and his space in your life is still there. Can you have more of a 10 minute 121 time with him that's enshrined when he's there like a book together ,no baby. So he feels he's still getting that attentions from you 121. Mum ideally needs to do the same

I think you are understandably very, very upset and your anger is valid. But anger itself will not help and is misplaced here as your SS is not fully in control of his young mind.

This is very serious as the jealousy could carry on and continue to come out. It is not something to hope will get better.

It sounds as though as another pp has said he has lost you and his own mum to new siblings and he has been left feeling abandoned and confused. Could you look for child centred therapy?

Of course it’s dehumanising. It’s portraying a 6 year old child as a monster

this is your take, when there are pages of comments like this… how is it step mothers and children in second families that you think are treated callously and harshly? It’s step children.

If that was my baby, he would no longer be a part of the family! How long before he's holding a pillow over her face? He's a step child and he sounds dangerous...

Since you didn’t actually see him doing anything, and you do not actually know how or why your baby has those bruises, but you are acting as if it’s a certainty , I imagine her instinct will be to be defensive of her child.