I think SS is hurting my baby

[GreenPinkLilac]

I have an SS, 6, two older SC and a baby who is nearly 1. When my baby was about three months old I saw SS squeezing her legs too hard. She was in a bouncy chair in the kitchen whilst I cooked and he was crouched in front of her and didn’t know I was watching. He did it twice, it was hard enough to leave bruises and he admitted it when I stopped him. Obviously I was very angry and upset but didn’t get cross with him, talked it through and watched him like a hawk for months afterwards. His dad was furious too.

Last weekend SC were here and the baby now has bruises all over her legs which look a lot like finger marks. Nursery have written up an incident report. I am as sure as it’s possible to be that it wouldn’t be the older SC, and I don’t see how the marks could have been made other than by squeezing.

I’ve known SS since he was a toddler and he’s very attached to me so it makes sense that he would be jealous because the baby takes up my time, but I cannot have this happen again. He is a high needs, high energy child who gets more 1:1 attention than anyone else when he’s in our house, but can never get enough attention.

Please talk me through an appropriate approach because I am beyond furious right now.

Where do you suggest he goes?! He has younger siblings at both houses? Those of us with neurodiverse children no we can't just kick them out.

DS is autistic and used to hurt his siblings. They are all good friends now they are teenagers.
Personally I would spend more time with them together. I'm really praise him for being very gentle and a great big brother. he is looking for a reaction either from the baby or from you. Try and get him used to looking at getting a reaction that is positive. Try to get him to make the baby laugh or smile. Then distract him into other interests. I wouldn't involved his mum at this stage particularly if you have a bad relationship as he will give them get very mixed messages. And he will have negative thoughts that will be around the baby.

When I became a stepparent I chose to be a responsible and caring adult in the life of my stepchild and to support my partner to parent them. That does not mean I have to accept any harm to my children as a result of my DH or his ex's inadequate parenting of my stepchild. The parents should be making sure their child is parented. Actually it is more outrageous that parents would not parent their own children. There is a difference between being 'annoying' as any child might be and sneaking around to hurt a baby. I know if I thought my daughter was behaving in such a way I would be very active in parenting her, getting to the bottom of it and making sure all children were safe. I would expect no less from other parents and if they failed there and it impacted my child, yes I would be annoyed.

I don’t think anyone is saying it’s an injustice. It’s difficult. And ultimately it is the parents who decided to end their relationship, knowing it would damage their child(ren) to some degree, and their responsibility to make sure that the effects of a separation and subsequent remarriage/more kids are positive for their children. Stepmothers who have no legal rights or responsibilities to the child, can only support their spouse and do the best for their own children. Yet somehow they end up shouldering the blame for the fact a child is from a broken home. If you break up with your coparent it is your job to ameliorate the effects of that on your children. And hopefully choose a spouse who is kind to them. But that’s the extent of what you can do as a stepparent, be as kind as possible while also enforcing the boundaries you need to maintain your own home, sanity and they wellbeing of your own children. Of course if you can’t live with it you leave, that’s the same in any relationship. But you are also allowed to have a view and discuss approaches with other parents.

You could equally say ‘when you divorce you choose to accept that a stepmother won’t be as loving as a biological mother’ as it’s hardly news this is the case in a lot of instances. ‘When you divorce you choose to accept a worse outcome for your kids than an intact family for your own wellbeing.’ But people would rather blame the stepmother who in fact has done nothing apart from start and continue a relationship.

And people who are awful about step children and children from the first family scream "I wasn't a stepchild" and this isn't coming from a "first wife" but a person who feels bad for children put in bad situations through no fault of their own.

I agree it’s not the child’s fault and they have a raw deal. No child should be subject to the cruelty of adults. But the raw deal is the consequences of the parents’ choices. The stepmother is not responsible and has no rights or real say in how things are handled. This is why they can often seem
cold and indifferent - trying to change the way other people parent is like banging your head against a brick wall. Believe me if I did have a choice my stepchild would not be going through half the bullshit she has been forced to endure.

Of course I also see how it is easier for children to blame their stepmothers than to look at their childhood and realise their own parents failed to put them first. That must be unbearably painful and I’m sure that it’s something many people avoid. But ultimately if your dad/mum stayed with a partner who was cruel or indifferent to you the fault lies with the parents. And of course with the choice to separate in the first place which, with the exception of domestic violence incidences, is never in the best interests of the children.

Even at 9 years old my own stepchild comes to our home covered in flea bites and with visible signs of neglect (and believe me we are trying to resolve this, but separation from her mother causes extreme distress and anxiety due to attachment issues rooted in the neglect) and any implied criticism of her mother, however couched, is deflected - because understandbly the painful truth that she is not and has never been her mother’s first priority is too painful to bear. Of course I will be to blame in years to come.

That is absolutely horrendously tragic for that poor child. Abused children can not acknowledge abusive parents as they are relying on them for survival, to live. They won’t even have the choice, they are hardwired this way, and even into adulthood they may continue to deny their own reality, as it’s unbearable to face the truth.

Have you contacted social services and the school safe guarding team? You must do this, please.

Have you lined up counselling for her? It is amazing what they can do to support children in the most dire of situations.

Does she know she can talk to you about anything and trust you?

Have you considered asking her to spend more time with you all, at your house?

She sounds horrendously neglected and that’s just on the outside.

Fully agree.

Any stepparent with split custody knows the hard part isn’t the children themselves, it’s balancing the other parent’s actions, and the lack of ability to do what you feel is best for a child you love.

I don’t think anyone is saying it’s an injustice. It’s difficult.

Agree absolutely it’s difficult.

And ultimately it is the parents who decided to end their relationship, knowing it would damage their child(ren) to some degree, and their responsibility to make sure that the effects of a separation and subsequent remarriage/more kids are positive for their children.

I totally disagree regarding the subsequent remarriage part. If you marry a man with children, you have to take responsibility for accepting that child into your life, and treating them as any and every child deserves to be treated within their family. That can be harder when you are not related and don’t love them, but that is the burden you take on.

Yet somehow they end up shouldering the blame for the fact a child is from a broken home.

I don’t see that . I only see step mothers being blamed for their own actions and attitudes.

If you break up with your coparent it is your job to ameliorate the effects of that on your children.

yes.

And hopefully choose a spouse who is kind to them.

No. The spouse is also an agent, an adult, and the spouse is responsible for their own behaviour.

while also enforcing the boundaries you need to maintain your own home, sanity and the wellbeing of your own children.

Nope, this is a really objectionable attitude . The sanity and wellbeing of your step children is every bit as important as yours and your own children. it is their home too.

You sound very reasonable and kind.
Don't be confused though, your primary responsibility is to YOUR child and keeping her safe.
Everything and everyone, including your step child is secondary to that.

I would have thought you'd know that I meant he could do it accidentally.

Boy attacks baby repeatedly and I recommend yelling at him to give him a shock, and I don't like badly behaved children = I think children are dogs. OK.

Oh nonsense. The sanity and well-being of the stepchildren is every bit as important in the grand scheme of life, sure. But in a stepfamily ensuring the sanity and wellbeing of each child is fundamentally the responsibility of the actual parents of each child (i.e. the people with parental rights and responsibilities). The step-parents should be decent human beings and you'd hope have their step-child's interests at heart, but parental responsibility stays with the actual parents.

Parental responsibility is the responsibility of the parents, yes.
But what that pp said was:

”while also enforcing the boundaries you need to maintain your own home, sanity and the wellbeing of your own children”

I find it very wrong to suggest that it’s not only acceptable, but a key objective of a stepparent to “enforce boundaries” only considering the wellbeing of themselves and their biological children , in their “own home”. It’s their step child’s home and family too, and the sanity and wellbeing of the step child is absolutely as equally important as anyone else’s in the family. As a step parent you are absolutely obliged to ensure that your own behaviour takes that into account when you impose “boundaries” in your shared home and family that affect them. The failure of so many step parents to recognise this basic obligation on mumsnet really concerns me.

Don't leave your baby with him. Get cameras in the house. If the SS is harming the baby, it will be caught on camera at some stage. He's massively jealous.

@Tandoraevery parent should have a sense of boundaries and what their red lines are for what happens in the home where they raise their children. That is not unique to step-parents. For example, a boundary of mine is that I don't allow drugs into my home. Now this has never come up, but if it did, as a parent I would enforce that boundary.

Step-mothers unfortunately may have to enforce boundaries as we are often pretty used to our boundaries being pushed. For example, by DH ex mother making decisions which negatively impact my children. Or unreasonable expectations of others about what we should/shouldn't do as a parent or step parent.

I think frankly you are being ridiculous. The responsibility for a child is the parents. If you marry someone who doesn’t put your child first - leave them. It’s not stepmothers only who ‘put up or shut up’. And in many circumstances it’s the parents who make it difficult for stepparents to act in a more parent-like way…of course anyone who is cruel to a child in their home is beyond the pale, but expecting equality between a stepchild child and a bio child is unrealistic. Of course you love your own children more. Even things like physical affection. I wouldn’t sleep nude with my stepchild or lay around all day hugging her. I don’t kiss her or hold her when she’s upset - we don’t have that intimacy as we are not related. She doesn’t want that from me and I can’t give it. Of course she needs that and gets it from her parents as my child gets it from me.

Yes!

Its very complicated and sensitive - there is not point in reporting to social services as where we are, in a very poor part of London, she won’t meet the threshold for intervention. I know this because I work in an adjacent job. If I intervene at the school it will cause further massive rift between her mother and I. And honestly the school is culpable in the neglect because despite massive red flags they each time fall for the mother’s charm and explanations (she is very warm and charismatic). Yes stepdaughter can spend as much time with us as she likes but she hates to be away from her mum even for one night as she is traumatised from previous periods of abandonment. It is horrendous, and tbh I wish my DH would push for custody, but he thinks she will just take SD out of the country again and police/social services did nothing last time that happened. We don’t have finances for the kinds of lawyers who can enforce father’s rights. This is what I mean by stepparents can’t really do anything. There’s all sorts people think they’d do in my situation, I thought it myself in the past, but actually as a stepparent you have zero power or rights to enforce anything. All you can do is try to provide a safe consistent environment in your own home.

I think frankly you are being ridiculous

Being ridiculous for saying that when you “enforce boundaries” in your home you ought to consider the wellbeing of all the children who are impacted by them? And you ought to understand that , regardless of your personal feelings, the wellbeing of all of the children is of equal importance and worth?

You are responsible for your own actions. Not your partner. If you wanted a life free from any obligation to consider how your actions impact the wellbeing of a step child, you shouldn’t have joined that child’s family. You chose that: they didn’t- they had absolutely no say. The only people expected to “put up and shut up” are the kids.

I never said that step parents shouldn’t have boundaries, I said that when setting and enforcing boundaries, step parents are bound by obligation to consider how these actions affect the wellbeing of all the members of the family/ children in the household, and not just themselves/ their own children. It’s monumentally selfish and irresponsible to behave otherwise. And it causes very real and lasting harm to a lot of children.

You’ve got no idea what happens in my home. As I’ve said of course you consider all children - but you can ultimately only really do anything substantive in regards to your own. In my view it is monumentally selfish to leave a relationship where there are children and subject them to the pain and insecurity of a broken home (I know it’s not always a choice made by both parties!) - but a lot of parents (and children) want to blame the stepparents for the inevitability that children from
broken homes will grow up with huge emotional damage. This is not the stepparents fault, although obviously they shouldn’t add to it.

They’re not bound by anything though. That’s the point. There’s no legal responsibility towards a stepchild other than there is towards any other child in your vicinity. There are societal expectations that ultimately fall disproportionately on women.

It's no different. Step-parents like all parents should have boundaries for what they accept about the upbringing of the child. They often have no such power to set such boundaries around the live of their stepchildren. I care about my stepchild and if I could ensure their wellbeing I would love to. But I'm not their mum or dad so that's not within my gift.

I think most of the time, a stepparent having boundaries won't really even need to come up unless someone tries to push them.

If a boundary a step-parent needs to enforce in order to keep her children safe and well is incompatible with the best interests of her stepchild and there's no way the adults can work it out, that's when she and her partner should probably split up.