I think SS is hurting my baby

[GreenPinkLilac]

I have an SS, 6, two older SC and a baby who is nearly 1. When my baby was about three months old I saw SS squeezing her legs too hard. She was in a bouncy chair in the kitchen whilst I cooked and he was crouched in front of her and didn’t know I was watching. He did it twice, it was hard enough to leave bruises and he admitted it when I stopped him. Obviously I was very angry and upset but didn’t get cross with him, talked it through and watched him like a hawk for months afterwards. His dad was furious too.

Last weekend SC were here and the baby now has bruises all over her legs which look a lot like finger marks. Nursery have written up an incident report. I am as sure as it’s possible to be that it wouldn’t be the older SC, and I don’t see how the marks could have been made other than by squeezing.

I’ve known SS since he was a toddler and he’s very attached to me so it makes sense that he would be jealous because the baby takes up my time, but I cannot have this happen again. He is a high needs, high energy child who gets more 1:1 attention than anyone else when he’s in our house, but can never get enough attention.

Please talk me through an appropriate approach because I am beyond furious right now.

I'd have to stop him coming around and tell him and his mother why. He's old enough to know what he's doing 😔

Are you sure it's from the step son? Surely baby would have screamed if being tormented? My 1 year old has bruises all up his legs (granted, on his shins and bony parts not his thighs) just from general crawling around! My 3 year old has them too.

have you told him that the nursery have said there are bruises on her legs and that they are reporting it? Ask him to help you make sure that everyone is being super gentle with the baby.

i think that sometimes little kids do stupid stuff like this because they are trying to make the baby make a noise etc. Also kids do stupid stuff because theyre kids.
It doesnt sound like he doesnt like the baby. He wants to be the best big brother, but you say he is high energy and high needs, so hes probably impulsive and a bit heavy handed too?
Id keep a super close eye on him and make sure that they arent unsupervised, but I dont think its worth losing sleep over

This is quite serious in that if nursery are reporting bruising to a non mobile baby that look like finger bruises this could trigger a child protection investigation. This could result in a child protection medical and decisions around safeguarding your baby from further physical harm.

Please prioritise the baby.
I had a violent and jealous older sibling and I was not prioritised or protected.
I can tell you that the problem does not just go away and as adults there will not be a good relationship between them.
Stop making excuses for him and take action.

@Wavescrashingonthebeach injuries on normal sites in a mobile baby are treated very differently to injuries on fleshy areas in a baby that isn't moving. The likelihood of these being cause accidentally is very low and so likely to be a sign of abuse.

I'm sorry but are you seriously saying you know your 6 year old step son has bruised your baby and you haven't even told him off? Fucking hell, how's he supposed to know how serious it is and to never do it again if he isn't even reprimanded for it?🤨

NC to reply to this.

So many of the replies here are not considering stepfamilies and misunderstanding why OP has control over/ is responsible for in this situation.

"What would you do if it was your kid" - if SS was OP's child all options would be open to her including getting SS assessed for SEN or behavioural or psychological therapies - whatever she thought best. But OP is NOT his mum and doesn't have parental responsibility or rights. All she can really do is look after her own children and protect them from whatever challenges SS's parents leave unaddressed.

"I feel sorry for SS because you're angry at him" - well perhaps this is misdirected. OP is within her rights to be angry, this must be a very frustrating situation and one she has little recourse to address. Why not feel sorry for OP or be angry with his parents who have allowed his behaviour to go unaddressed and hurt OP's baby? OP has little influence here. Again, she's not his mum or dad. They should be insuring his wellbeing and supporting him as needed.

"You have no evidence" - he's done this before, he's got issues with lying and being sneaky and is now being sneaky in order to hurt a baby. It's bad enough that nursery have recorded it. You don't need evidence for this to be enough to want to be very, very careful.

OP - I really think all you can do here is ensure your child's safety. His parents should be doing more to find out what is behind the behaviour, yes, but that's not something you can control. If I were you I would be telling DH in no uncertain terms that he is responsible for looking after his son and ensuring he doesn't hurt others. He is to be present at all times when SS is there and to make absolutely sure he doesn't get to touch the baby. Then you focus on looking after your DC and keep them safe.

I have a SDC who displayed sneaky, dishonest, cruel and stealing behaviour from very young. No parenting strategies at this household made a difference. Any consequences only made SDC sneakier, and they would escape consequences by going to their other home. I had no luck at all suggesting psychological support or SEN assessment. They are now a tween and we keep all money and jewellery locked up. Can't go into a shop with SDC as they will try and encourage younger DC to steal. Can't enjoy birthday parties because they will steal from guests or use the opportunity to slip away and steal from someone else in the house. I suppose what I'm saying as these problems don't address themselves, they need proper parental intervention. In the absence of that OP, all you can do is be very strict on boundaries to protect your own children.

@LivingLaVidaBabyShower hahaha only on Mumsnet would anyone suggest having a child who hurt your baby in your home more regularly - and only when they are a stepchild. Babies of second families don't count as human beings I guess!

Yes very good point. I used to panic with my first child whenever he had normal bruises from playing then I did a safeguarding module on a course i was doing and it said what you've just stated. Certain areas far more likely to be intentional.

@ZiggyXena how awful. I don't know how you can deal with that :(

Haha it’s the baby’s of first families that don’t count as humans . Hence people on this thread ready to demonise a 6 year old, diagnose him with all sorts , and throw him out the home, when there’s absolutely nothing to say where these bruises actually came from/ why or proof that the kid had anything to do with it.
oh and also he throws stuff and trips his siblings sometimes; like all 6 yr olds I’ve ever known.

I’d get a secret nanny cam. Obviously still try and stop him doing it but at least you could check it, if it did happen again. How would he know where it was unless you tell him??

also I think you should put this back onto your DH. He now has to monitor his son every moment while he is in your home. Otherwise visits have to move outside the home including overnights, ie your DH will have to book a hotel or rent somewhere. You have to take this very seriously but at the same time it is your DH responsibility not yours.

I agree that the opportunity to get an admission out of him is over, unfortunately.

What you do still have is an opportunity to sit the kids down and explain in very serious terms how awful it is to harm a baby and that if it happens again there will be huge consequences, especially as outsiders are questioning who in the family is bruising the baby and that it could lead to Police involvement.

Time to monitor the kids more AND get some cameras put in.

Amazon have chargeable cams for £16 that record hours of footage.

Eldest child here who has two step-parents and half siblings.

I don’t think the OP is unreasonable to take the nursery report very seriously. It’s not demonising to protect a small baby from potential harm (and to protect the older child from causing the harm). Imagine if it escalated and he seriously injured her? It would have devastating consequences for them all. His behaviour towards his other siblings is relatively normal but still needs nipping in the bud.

@Tandora I've never said kick him out. On a thread about SS potentially hurting a baby it's totally ridiculous that some have suggested the answer is to move him in! Quite the leap.

Did you miss the bit where the child has been caught squeezing the baby's legs before and they left bruises?

You don't think that makes it likely to be him, no?

Agree with keeping them apart unless closely supervised. Is SS generally ok? This seems extreme for a 6 year old with no SEN even if he is jealous!

Yes, and does OP risk social services taking the baby away if the threat to her safety isn't removed? Not sure how these things work.

I really, really think that the 6-year-old stepson should be sent to live with his mother full-time, with only daytime supervised visits to OP's home.

If he squeezed the baby's legs hard enough to leave bruises, that's sickening and despicable. OP, you're going to have to have your baby pretty much attached to you at all times if this disgusting child isn't removed from her home. I would have her sleep next to you too, if he doesn't go.

Have you read him the riot act? Have you absolutely clearly and firmly communicated that a line has been crossed and can never ever be crossed again? I would be going absolutely nuclear. There would be zero confusion about where I stood. I would not be having softly softly conversations.

I say this because I remember seeing appalling behaviour of children towards parents and siblings when DC started pre-school and school - a kid punching a parent in the stomach for example - and a wishy washy response from the parent and the children not taking in a word that was said. It was clearly not the first time, but a messed up rinse and repeat series of events. Hit. Lame response. Ignore. etc.

Your SS has crossed some major boundaries but there has been (seemingly) no comeback. No has said loundly and clearly "you do not hurt your sister!" Essentially, that will seem like a pass to him to continue and escalate.

Sounds like some /family/ therapy is needed.

@ZiggyXena i agree moving him in is a silly suggestion. But on the other hand you have replies like this! And they are much more prevalent on this thread:

”I really, really think that the 6-year-old stepson should be sent to live with his mother full-time.
If he squeezed the baby's legs hard enough to leave bruises, that's sickening and despicable. OP, you're going to have to have your baby pretty much attached to you at all times if this disgusting child isn't removed from her home. I would have her sleep next to you too, if he doesn't go.”

I'm sorry about your sibling.
My husband, who is 75, had such an older sister.
She's in her eighties and this definitely affects whole life.
❤️

When it comes to dehumanising children in the family it’s always the step children.