I think SS is hurting my baby

[GreenPinkLilac]

I have an SS, 6, two older SC and a baby who is nearly 1. When my baby was about three months old I saw SS squeezing her legs too hard. She was in a bouncy chair in the kitchen whilst I cooked and he was crouched in front of her and didn’t know I was watching. He did it twice, it was hard enough to leave bruises and he admitted it when I stopped him. Obviously I was very angry and upset but didn’t get cross with him, talked it through and watched him like a hawk for months afterwards. His dad was furious too.

Last weekend SC were here and the baby now has bruises all over her legs which look a lot like finger marks. Nursery have written up an incident report. I am as sure as it’s possible to be that it wouldn’t be the older SC, and I don’t see how the marks could have been made other than by squeezing.

I’ve known SS since he was a toddler and he’s very attached to me so it makes sense that he would be jealous because the baby takes up my time, but I cannot have this happen again. He is a high needs, high energy child who gets more 1:1 attention than anyone else when he’s in our house, but can never get enough attention.

Please talk me through an appropriate approach because I am beyond furious right now.

In my experience as a stepmother who has been pilloried on this forum (and in the Daily Mail!!!! After a post went viral) ‘both sides’ of this scream ‘people who have never been stepparents/had to deal with complex family dynamics’. For example the suggestion that they involve the boy’s mother at this stage just screams ‘people who don’t understand the delicate balance of maintaining cordial relations after a lot of acrimony.’ In my experience, it’s best to have rules and boundaries that you maintain and enforce in your own home, and not to get to get het up about or over-involved with the rules and boundaries in the other parent’s house - over which you have, rightly, no control.

You acntbhelp how you feel and you also need to think about how siblings feel when another child comes along. They are jealous, angry, and hate then as much as any other feelings. Find a book or story that helps navigate and explain mixed emotions. There is so much expectation to love the new baby and be a lovely big brother or sister. Its not reality... murderous rage is much more common but just not acceptable to even think about.
If you can give space and time for him to say he doesn't like her, it will help him. It won't make it worse. It wil help the feelings to be accepted and named. Books really helps with this kind of stuff.

i can totally see how that works for the adults involved.
But where are the step children in that framework I wonder?

I think you are doing exactly the right thing. From what you have said it's quite possible there is something non neurotypical going on with SS and in the meantime, especially as he is doing better in a stricter school, you may find he responds better to clear cut rules in your house rather than methods like persuasion or distraction.

I would be furious but tbh in my case I would leave it to dad. As a step mum the relationship can be easily damaged and I personally dont get too involved with serious disciplining. Yes I will correct him in the moment and say not to leave towel on the floor or something, minor things, but big conversations about his behaviour would come from his dad.
There needs to be some major consequences to him hurting any of his siblings, not just the baby. His behaviour towards them will, and seemingly is starting to, eek out to school peers. It will just get worse. In your house, ideally in his mum's too, there needs to be a hard line on violence and he will lose toys and privileges until he can sort it out. I would say it's coming from jealousy but also sounds like he would get easily jealous.

what children of second families should have to live with. I would argue that violence is not one of those things

It’s an interesting perspective .
When you have a second or third child , you place your children (all of them) in a situation where they have to live with the consequences of having a sibling. And in most cases that does include a fair amount of violence ; less face it- all siblings thump / push/ shove etc each other at times. Obviously an older child deliberately hurting a baby is another matter entirely, but no one actually knows what has happened here.

Incidentally my aunt was in a situation where her elder child was very violent ( and dangerously so ) with her younger child (both her biological children). She actually walked in on her eldest trying to smother her baby at one time. She was never , ever able to leave them alone together after that until he was much older . It was very hard.

All this is to say- these challenges , and much worse, happen in nuclear families too and I really can’t see that children in second families, and step mothers/ parents are asked to put up with anything other than what any and every family with multiple children has to put up with : the reality of other children in the family, whoever they are . But so often on mumsnet I hear women who have partnered and had more children with men who already have kids, being rageful and put out that they (and their children) should be expected to put up with their partner’s children, especially if those children display negative or challenging behaviour. I find it pretty outrageous I have to say.

This falls into the category of "things you can't change". Stepmothers can't change pre-existing co-parenting dynamics.

100% agree with @Katbum about misconceptions re: step-parenting.

I think honestly that a ‘blended family’ is never ever optimal for the children involved. In the rare occasions where both homes can maintain precisely the same rules and boundaries that would obviously be preferable … but usually relationships have ended because the adults involved have not been able to maintain consistent rules and boundaries and live harmoniously together. I think it’s far better that children exist between two happy homes with consistent rules in each than that parents continue toxic relationships trying to negotiate a consistent system between two homes. It just does’t work that way.

@tamara @Tandora did you consider that if stepmothers are frustrated by the challenging behaviour of step-children that may well be because the actual parents (mum, dad or both) have specifically NOT done what your aunt did and actively parented their child? Luckily in this situation OP and her DP seem to have come up with a good plan. That doesn't always happen.

I think people forget stepparents are not actually parents (esp stepmothers) and so don’t actually have a lot of control or authors over what happens to the child or what’s best for them. Mostly you are going along with existing decisions and dynamics whether you agree with them or not. You just have to try and maintain some sense of ‘this is how life is in our home’ and be as loving as you can towards the children (which is also not always easy, such as when they are physically hurting your child).

Yes I can totally see that, and understandably it would cause resentment. I think there are a lot of men out there who can’t actually be bothered to parent their own children, and displace a lot of responsibility onto their new partners. But I find it disturbing to see how often the children - often very young children - become the scapegoat / primary object of resentment / disgust of so many adult women. (The ex-
partner/ mother, of course, being the other key object of scorn/ disdain- as per this thread). I also think that step mothers do hold some significant responsibility for the blended family they have voluntarily co-created and therefore are bound by some significant obligations to their step children . I don’t think that’s a popular view amongst step mothers on mumsnet.

@Tandora so far only a couple of posters on here have said they are stepmothers, myself included. Of course there will be some nasty stepmothers out there, along with nasty stepfathers, fathers and mothers. But here I think the actual stepmothers responding have shared balanced views based on the limits and dynamics of our role.

Yes that’s fair enough

Yes as a stepparent you do have to remember that the child has no control or choice at all. They have to be considered and treated as a priority. But also, I think many of us go into these relationships with no clue of how truly difficult the dynamics can be. In my own situation for example three weeks after the birth of my first child my stepdaughter’s mother returned to a violent relationship and abandoned her 6yo daughter in the home, meaning we had to take on at no notice a traumatised child who was understandably out of control in her behaviour. It was the hardest time of my life, and nothing I could have predicted would happen when I met my husband (at which time my sd lived with her mother abroad and visited for extended holidays). I know stepmothers who have had to deal with stepchildren sexually abusing their kids…it’s very often extremely difficult because at the best you are dealing with children traumatised by a parental separation and whatever has led to that. I don’t think anyone can imagine some of the complications when they start a relationship, because most of us go into relationships with the most optimistic view of how things will shake out.

He may only be 6, but he could really hurt the baby and he's showing some very worrying behaviour. What's going to happen when he's even bigger and she's still too little to defend herself? As for giving him the benefit of the doubt, he was caught red-handed squeezing the baby's legs hard and now she has bruises like hand marks on her legs. Of course it was him!

As for people making out that he can't be that bad just because he's a child, of course he can be. Where do you think horrible adults come from? From horrible children!

I feel so angry on this defenceless baby's behalf. If I was OP, I would find it very hard to have this child in the house.

But this is why I don't have kids, don't date men with kids, and would never be a step-parent. I have no time for badly behaved children, never mind delinquent ones like this one. I don't know about others on this thread, but I managed to make it through my childhood without attacking babies. 😡 I don't know how the OP is holding herself back from roaring at him at the top of her voice. If it were my baby he'd hurt, I would not smack him, but I'd have such a go at him at such a volume that he'd never forget it or consider hurting the baby again. He's young enough to be terrified out of his wits, which is what he needs to pull him up short and stop him potentially killing this baby.

@ThisFluentBiscuit with respect that's the most incredibly inflammatory statement referring to a child as a potential baby killer from someone who hasn't been near a child since they were one, and seems to feel they're similar to dogs.

I’ve mostly seen the children of second families being treated like they are worthless -and the children of first families revered and can do no wrong . This is just the typical step mums knew what they were getting into . No , I doubt they did . The horror of being involved in a blended family that doesn’t work is beyond your worst nightmares .

I think overall the reality is the 6 year old is his parents responsibility and the baby is OPs ( and her DH). It’s up to OP to protect the baby and if she doesn’t , things will probably get worse .

I’ve mostly seen the children of second families being treated like they are worthless -and the children of first families revered and can do no wrong

I cannot comprehend how you could read this into this thread, at least without the aid of some very severe projection/ bias.

If a child who isn’t your child hurts your child, you are going to be more annoyed about that than if it’s your own child. Especially in a step parenting relationship where you have to have the child in your home but are not the parent. It’s a very difficult dynamic. In an ideal world the stepparent wouldn’t need to do anything because the parents would be making an extra effort to parent their child who has had an adverse childhood experience …. But instead what usually happens is the stepmother gets blamed for the parenting inadequacies.

If a child who isn’t your child hurts your child, you are going to be more annoyed about that than if it’s your own child. Especially in a step parenting relationship where you have to have the child in your home but are not the parent

but this is exactly it / this issue isn’t it. This is a you/ step parent problem, and it’s what you choose to accept when you partner with a person who already has children. You have to deal with their children in your home. I understand you might not have realised this in advance, but you can’t undo what is done and you have to live with it or leave. Children are inevitably annoying. They are even more annoying when they aren’t your own. Don’t like it, don’t want to deal with them, then don’t create a family with them. That’s not to say you can’t acknowledge the challenges, but to act like it’s an injustice imposed on you that you have to tolerate your step children when they are challenging is quite frankly outrageous.

Absolutely not. You do not choose this as a step parent . You are just trying to bash step parents. It’s the 6 years olds parents responsibility to sort this issue out.

Being challenging is different from abusing a baby, ffs.

If people truly knew the horrors of step parenting they wouldn’t do it. It’s hardly taught at school.

I am not bashing step parents. You , however, are bashing a 6 year old step child, based on very few facts and very limited context .
I wonder why?

The facts speak for themselves about the 6 year old . I wonder why you are trying to gaslight me and the OP. First wife ?

I wonder why you are trying to gaslight me and the OP. First wife

😂

(also the language of “first wife” , evocative of some kind of polygamous cult 😂)