It wasn’t my fault MIL missed an important appointment ???

[Missedapp]

Last week MIL asked for a lift to a hospital appt today. Neither of us could do it due to other commitments. She was annoyed but was going to get a taxi.

Dh had work then was going to be picking youngest up from nursery and I was also busy and out of the area.

When I got home at lunchtime and looked at my phone I had missed calls and messages MIL saying she couldn’t get a taxi , DH saying his mum needed a lift he needed me to get ds from nursery instead etc but I didn’t hear my phone and so it turns out DH couldn’t help her and she didn’t go. It’s my fault apparently and ‘what’s the point having a phone ‘ then MIL saying i deliberately ignored them both !

I was busy and rushing about , it was noisy and I had my phone in my bag and on silent. I had checked it around 930 I think but all these calls and messages were from 1030 onwards and I’d got home at 1

It’s as if they expect me to be holding my phone constantly and checking it ??

You told them you couldn’t do it in the first place - why would that have changed?

YANBU in the slightest

No it's not your fault. Something should have been arranged when you originally said you couldn't help. Why was a taxi not booked in advance or another family member helping?

She should have booked a taxi in advance. Or used Uber - they always have available cars.

It wasn't your fault. You weren't even in the area.

Your lack of availability was clear. Mil should have pre-booked a taxi.

She books Ubers on the day rather than booking anything in advance . I genuinely think she feels I should have my phone in my hand at all times she’s also said it’s awful because ‘what if the school or nursery call and you don’t answer?’

what if the school or nursery call and you don’t answer?

Presumably the same thing that happened before we had mobile phones.

Not your fault! Increasingly it appears that some people think, just because you have a phone, you should be immediately on hand to answer calls and/or respond to messages. I've seen it often here on MN when people get angry/upset that they've been "left on read" etc. Having a phone doesn't mean you're at everyone else's beck and call! You are free to switch it off or not look at it, and respond to messages when it suits you!

In this case, your MiL should have booked a taxi for the time she needed, or called one well ahead of that time to ensure she wouldn't be late.

I wonder if she really did try and get a taxi at all.......

But if she did, it's still her fault. You were both unavailable.

Your MIL made a mistake by not booking a taxi in advance and is lashing out. She’s actually angry with herself rather than you.
You weren’t available. You had said you weren’t available so everything else is moot.

Don’t admit any responsibility, just be apologetic that you missed the call and wait for the storm to blow over.

Oh that sounds familiar to me.

Though in our case MIL was chronically disorganised, so would call at 9pm with a ‘need’ for a lift at 8 am next day.

It’s really rude of her / DH to try to blame you for her own lack of ability to pre plan, or foresee potential issues.

I do try and make sure that I check my phone at least hourly during the day in case school or nursery call. I do think from 9.30 to 1 is a long time to be completely unreachable. However, I don't think any of that means it was your fault she missed her appointment - you were clear that you were unavailable and, as others have said, she should have booked a taxi rather than rely on uber for an important appointment.

Rather than actively ensure she had her own plans organised for her appointment she's so entitled that she expected two people to change their plans to suit her. Entirely her fault. No one else's.

I don’t think YABU but I do check my phone every hour or so especially when my DS is in nursery or with grandparents, just in case.

Exactly my opinion too

Honestly, she probably just planned to do this from the moment you said you couldn't do it.

Just tell her that you do check your phone and if it had been the school or nursery or something similarly important, you would have answered.

You said you were unavailable so tough, it's not your responsibility to ferry MIL to appointments.

She's playing the blame game.
She's an adult

Don't get involved or JADE
Justify, argue, defend or explain-shes being manipulative
Just shrug and ignore her.

It’s not your fault she missed her appointment, you and DH had already said you couldn’t do it. Your DH is mainly at fault here, he should have told his mum when she called that your are still busy and he can’t, why did he expect you to drop everything?

‘what if the school or nursery call and you don’t answer?’

I must admit this was my first thought! Yes they will also call your DH if something happens but if there’s an accident I’d want to know, not hours later (obviously for some depending on work etc this can’t be helped) but even if your phone wasn’t on silent for fear of missing a nursery call, you still weren’t available to MIL

A lot of people have jobs where we are not allowed our mobiles or unable to check them regularly. We still function.

I too would wonder if this was her master plan?

If the school or nursery tried to contact you and you weren't answering, surely they would phone the next contact?
I think she's left it too late and is blaming you instead of herself

Maybe remind dh who's dm she is....

It's definitely not your fault. MIL should have prebooked a taxi to be certain.

I don't constantly check my phone, there is no need for it. If I miss a call then so be it, they will leave a message or call back.

It's a sad state of affairs that people are so trapped to their mobile phones and expect others to be the same.

Presumably nursery have several contacts down ICE? ours used to have 3.