It wasn’t my fault MIL missed an important appointment ???

[Missedapp]

Last week MIL asked for a lift to a hospital appt today. Neither of us could do it due to other commitments. She was annoyed but was going to get a taxi.

Dh had work then was going to be picking youngest up from nursery and I was also busy and out of the area.

When I got home at lunchtime and looked at my phone I had missed calls and messages MIL saying she couldn’t get a taxi , DH saying his mum needed a lift he needed me to get ds from nursery instead etc but I didn’t hear my phone and so it turns out DH couldn’t help her and she didn’t go. It’s my fault apparently and ‘what’s the point having a phone ‘ then MIL saying i deliberately ignored them both !

I was busy and rushing about , it was noisy and I had my phone in my bag and on silent. I had checked it around 930 I think but all these calls and messages were from 1030 onwards and I’d got home at 1

I would never leave a MIL/friend/neighbour to be picked up by a taxi for an important hospital appointment, in case there is no taxi/it is late/goes to the wrong address. Especially for an older person. With huge hospitals with multiple departments where I live, I would then escort the elderly person literally to the door of the relevant department and make sure this is the right one. I would then let them get a taxi on the way back - I won't care if on the way back after the procedure their taxi is late, or maybe no show or takes them to the wrong address - not my problem at all, but to enable a person who asked to help to miss their appointment is a new level of I don't know what.

I don't understand why people keep saying it's ridiculous to expect parents to check their phones from time to time at work because mobile phones used not to exist. In the world before mobiles, school would have called the phone on my desk. If I was away from my desk, normally someone else would have picked it up and taken a message. Rightly or wrongly, schools and nurseries do very much assume - and demand - that someone can come and get the child during the day if needed. If your kid throws up at 9.30 they do not want them to stay until pick-up from afterschool club at 5.30! Of course it might be the second or third contact who answers and collects - but that does mean someone needs to be keeping a vague eye on their phone!

I don't understand why people keep saying it's ridiculous to expect parents to check their phones from time to time at work because mobile phones used not to exist.

Not everyone is - or wants to be - a phone zombie.

The dad was keeping an eye on his phone.

If your MIL asked last week and you both said you were busy why didn’t she book a taxi then.
She’s had plenty of time
This isn’t anything to do with you OP.

What a saint you are.
Meanwhile, in the real world:

She wasn't 'left' to get a taxi. OP says when she was told no one was available she 'was going to get a taxi' i.e. she knew how to do so and (debatable, this, but) intended to.

If people work they simply can’t be on hand all the time as a taxi service.
It's not possible and an unreasonable expectation.

Slack-jawed at the number of posts intimating that OP should be accountable for every minute of her time to DH and his mother; or that they're at liberty to decide on her behalf which of her commitments are 'essential'; or that she should be on call 24/7 to pick up the phone as though she's some receptionist.

I'm devoutly thankful that I don't share a home with such people. I'm frequently unavailable to answer calls when working. Depending upon my working hours, which are flexible, I could decide to go swimming on a whim, have a sauna and spa pool afterwards, and be gone for a few hours at a time - without (shock horror!) explaining myself to a soul beforehand. I've also been known to visit the library - you know, those places where you have to be quiet - and disappear from the network for an entire day!

I'm trying to imagine the stultifying state of a relationship where I was even expected to justify or explain this, or expected it in turn of my DH. We both know fine well that if we don't pick up when we call each other, it's because we can't.

MiL was asking for a favour, not delivering a command to a subordinate. She's a sentient adult: she's more than capable or organising her own transport.

MIL responsibility to get her appointment on time.

Wow. I take it you're not working and that you don't have young children or other dependants since you are always ready to drive neighbours and friends to doctor's appointments. And as for accompanying elderly persons to the relevant service doesn't that depend on the person? I know plenty of elderly, capable, intelligent people who would be offended if you insisted on taking them to the right service in the hospital. Just because you're older doesn't mean you're less capable to finding your way in a hoqpital, that's ageism. You seem to think that elderly people are all demented which luckily they aren't. My 80 year old Mil is taking my son to his activity tomorrow. She would be upset if I suggested that she's too old/frail to walk him there. I'm lucky my Mil isn't entitled like OP's. We always help her out when we can as does she. The day she's too tired/ill/whatever we will obviously take care of her but until then she wouldn't want us to treat her like an "elderly person" in the sense of not being capable.

Entirely her fault: sounds like she left booking a taxi til the last minute instead of in advance and then had a hissy fit because neither one of you were available to dig her out of her self-made hole.

Tell her she and she alone is responsible for her transport as and when: you are there, if you can be, in emergencies only. What a daft woman.

Really?

I work, when I'm working I'm not checking my phone regularly and DH knows I'm working so wouldn't expect me to, he is also working. Between us despite irregularly checking phones we've always managed to respond to school and nursery calls within a reasonable period but not necessarily immediately. The school/nursery have our consent to deal with emergency situations like an accident requiring an ambulance or illness, have policies and procedures to support them in meeting their requirements, have training in first aid and safeguarding etc. If we didn't trust them to care for our child in any circumstance they may reasonably encounter then we wouldn't use their provision.

It's only very recently historically that people have had mobile phones the world survived before that, and arguably in some ways it was better that everyone wasn't immediately contactable.

Well said 👏👏👏

Well she’s an entitled cheeky mare isn’t she! You had already said you weren’t available ffs. She’s an adult, it’s up to her how she gets there. Your DH needs to get her told - if anyone keeps an eye on their phone, it should be him, she’s his mother!

This.

Unless she has dementia or learning disabilities then why couldn't she pre book a taxi. Its all on her

I’m not sure she’s angry with herself I think she sounds entitled

We are happy to do so if we are free but it’s the entitlement. When he refused the Covid jab we got all the dramatics. She called demanding he look up bus times, she cried, claimed he didn’t care, he just kept saying ‘we have been over this I am not able to drive you. I am happy to order a taxi for you and looking at the timetable there is a bus that gets you there at 10.25 which seems perfect!’

Yes and presumably those people have a work number they can be contacted on in case of emergency.

she obviously thinks everyone should be at her beck and call on demand, including Uber. She’s an arsehole.
How you handle calls from your children’s school is none of her business.
Your husband needs to speak with her frequently to keep abreast of what she requires him to do for her

As someone whose husband is notirious for not answering the phone, I have sympathy for people who get frustrated when they can't reach a family member or partner in an emergency.

HOWEVER, this was NOT an emergency. For a start.... if the appointment was that urgent, she should have booked ac ab in advance or ordered an eariler uber... becuase working in time for uber not working or making an alternative plan for a cab is what the rest of us do when we need to take a taxi to something that has a set time plan.

And what exactly did they think was going to happen? If you were not available, it's hard to say "when you asked yesterday I told you I couldn't make it but today, I'm happy to change my plans because of your poor planning?" I mean, sure, drop everything because she's had a fall and someone needs to help her. Or becuse DS is sick and the nursery has called. But this was bollocks.

I work in a school so I cannot keep my phone on but school and nursery have always been able to get hold of me via the main reception or email.

Not your fault op!

Yeah....
She couldn't get a taxi.
If you have an appointment then you book the taxi in advance so you know that you'll be there on time.

Are you sure this wasn't deliberate on her part?

Very suspicious there were no Ubers available. Did she not allow enough time, plan to get there early? I don’t drive and have a lot of medical appointments, to which I always uber. I always give plenty of time to get there early in case of low availability. Unless you are in a very low/no uber area I can’t imagine her knowing in advance (enough time for you to drive to her location??) there were going to be none all morning to get her there on time.

Curiouser and curiouser. I also think she planned from the get to just have you drop everything. That’s why it’s your fault, in her mind.

@MissDoubleU are you a Harry Potter fan per chance 😀

ALL the time as a taxi servicer? With our NHS it would be what, once every 9 years procedure appointment? Hardly ALL the time.