It wasn’t my fault MIL missed an important appointment ???

[Missedapp]

Last week MIL asked for a lift to a hospital appt today. Neither of us could do it due to other commitments. She was annoyed but was going to get a taxi.

Dh had work then was going to be picking youngest up from nursery and I was also busy and out of the area.

When I got home at lunchtime and looked at my phone I had missed calls and messages MIL saying she couldn’t get a taxi , DH saying his mum needed a lift he needed me to get ds from nursery instead etc but I didn’t hear my phone and so it turns out DH couldn’t help her and she didn’t go. It’s my fault apparently and ‘what’s the point having a phone ‘ then MIL saying i deliberately ignored them both !

I was busy and rushing about , it was noisy and I had my phone in my bag and on silent. I had checked it around 930 I think but all these calls and messages were from 1030 onwards and I’d got home at 1

Can't agree more - it happened to me 3 times in the last 15 years - twice a neighbour, once a friend. It was only for hospital appointments. I would not cancel a cup to tea to take them to a GP's appointment or a dental appointment - no way, they can take taxis, walk, etc., they can miss their appointments for all I care, not a big deal. But a hospital appointment is a different kettle of fish in every respect.

My point is that if something is "important", it's nice to have someone there if the procedure is unpleasant or if you need to take in information/make a decision

I think the request for a lift, was more a request for moral support

Not everyone is like that!!

And people aren’t mind reader. If she wanted support, she should have said so. And talked about it much more in advance.

Ive stopped trying to read minds nowadays. It’s exhausting. More often than not, you’re wrong anyway. If people want somwth8ng bad,y enough, they’ll speak.

It sounds like a lift to me. OP hasn’t said or suggested anything else. No procedure mentioned either.
The issue is blaming OP over something that had already been discussed and she said she couldn’t do.
End of really.

Ah, but in another post you said you would take your in laws if you weren’t at work. So you didn’t ditch work. Why the expectation for the OP/DH to ditch work?

So turn it to silent when those things are happening. Again, that wasn't the case here. If it were, the OP would have said so and her husband wouldn't be complaining as he would know this to be the case.

I think there’s two elements here - YANBU in regards to your MIL

YABU to hve little kids and your phone on silent though

@SockFluffInTheBath

But OP wasn't at work.

And to be honest if it were my own parent, I would take time off work if it were an "important" appointment

Anyway you do you...

No one has said MIL is elderly.

And OP and her Husband both work and have children. Not everyone can drop everything and use precious days off for appointments for perfectly capable adults. They likely need them for their own childcare coverage over holidays, training days, sick days, etc, and their own personal appointments that are unavoidable.

Read them both the riot act. They sound very entitled. I'd be telling them both that due to their attitude, there will be no more lifts.
Please don't apologise.

She's an adult. If it were that important to her she would have booked a cab or left early by public transport, not relied on expecting others to step in at short notice.

Well, you don't. I handle that by taking my phone, answering calls when its convenient (I certainly don't get THAT many), and saying "Sorry, too busy at the moment, I'll call back" if that's appropriate. I am not sure why picking up a phone occasionally and talking into it for a few seconds seems such an imposition for a lot of people.

From your initial post. For such a lot of people, whilst they are working, it is more than an imposition to do this. Regardless of how many you get. And in many of those settings (and more), even if you are a visitor, it would be more than an imposition.

Whatever OP was doing, she didn’t want to be interrrupted. That was her prerogative. It is not inexplicable nor is it unreasonable that she was out of contact for a few hours.

Yes, I know a lot of people can't. That goes without saying.
"I didn't want to be interrupted" doesn't mean you set your phone to silent and don't look at it. If certain people call me, I know it's important and want to know they have called. If its not one of these people, I can dismiss or ignore it. This is far better for me. I dont't understand why anyone would make themselves unnecessarily uncontactable unless they find that easier than saying no, or simply ignoring unwanted calls. If people don't trust their partners enough to know that if they call it's probably important, then that has more to do with the partner than the phone.

I mean, there are certain things that everyone wants to be interrupted for, surely, because they are far more important than whatever you are doing. And again, if you're at work and can't take calls, that's different, I know, I've said so many times already.

i do

She wasn't at work, but she had other commitments/things to do. She says she was busy.
Is work the only possible reason not to be able to put everything on hold for someone?

Yeah, I don't get why people are often so keen to assume in laws are old. She might be 50!

I think she has a point about school and nursery.

Out of contact for three and a half hours when you have young children in school and nursery????

OP has said that school and nursery have three emergency numbers so not the end of the world if she didn't hear her phone ringing for a couple of hours.

Is that what you'd do? It seems an extreme interpretation.

Tell her they would have done what she did and call her grandchildren's father instead.

I would also be telling her that she had advance notice that neither of you were available to help her on this occasion.

I simply don't believe she couldn't get an uber or taxi. She just didn't like being told no and has done this to try to prove a point ie. that you are both supposed to be at her beck and call. Sod that for a game of soldiers. I would be unavailable for all future appointments too.

Yes! Sometimes longer; it’s not unknown for me to be uncontactable for 8-10 hours.

And I’ve got caring responsibilities for elderly parents.

No point looking at my phone if I’m not in a position to do anything about messages/missed calls. I can’t up and leave.

There are others who can deal when I’m not available.

I actually think it is more irresponsible, and setting yourself up to fail, if when you have kids/caring responsibilities that you don’t have that known support network in place.

Anyone can be in the wrong place and the time and become uncontactable. What’s your plan for that?

Exactly and on top of that...
Mobile network provider could have a fault, phone could be dropped and broken, or stolen even. What about being out of signal range?
I had a situation where my phone for some reason just stopped talking to the mobile network. I didn't notice for several hours and only then when I tried making a call and it wouldn't connect. A reboot of the phone sorted it.
There's many reasons people can be uncontactable for hours. In OPs case, school/nursery would be able to contact DH anyway (or any other nominated emergency contact). MIL seems to have decided that being the primary point of contact is wife-work and therefore OPs job. Either that or it's just a handy excuse for her to get angry at OP for not dropping everything and meeting her demands.

Not your fault she knew she had that appointment why didn’t she book the taxi in advance! Honestly talk about being dramatic she obviously expected that one of you would eventually cave and take her!

Her husband was available.