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AIBU?

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Original poster

It wasn’t my fault MIL missed an important appointment ???

226 replies

Missedapp · 04/03/2025 13:47

Last week MIL asked for a lift to a hospital appt today. Neither of us could do it due to other commitments. She was annoyed but was going to get a taxi.

Dh had work then was going to be picking youngest up from nursery and I was also busy and out of the area.

When I got home at lunchtime and looked at my phone I had missed calls and messages MIL saying she couldn’t get a taxi , DH saying his mum needed a lift he needed me to get ds from nursery instead etc but I didn’t hear my phone and so it turns out DH couldn’t help her and she didn’t go. It’s my fault apparently and ‘what’s the point having a phone ‘ then MIL saying i deliberately ignored them both !

I was busy and rushing about , it was noisy and I had my phone in my bag and on silent. I had checked it around 930 I think but all these calls and messages were from 1030 onwards and I’d got home at 1

OP posts:
Ewock · 04/03/2025 14:10

Not your fault. Id they want to assign blame it is MIL fault for not being an adult and booking a taxi in advance.
I'd also be having a talk with dh about his attitude and with how they've behaved I wouldn't be inclined to help another time even if I could.

JimHalpertsWife · 04/03/2025 14:10

You'd already told MIL and DH you were unavailable. It can come as no great surprise to either of them that you were, in fact, unavailable.

Dh is the one I'd be pissed off at - he is dumping his stress (caused by MIL) onto you instead of standing up to her. What a wet rag.

Cakeandusername · 04/03/2025 14:10

I wouldn’t respond. Presumably if it was a dire emergency then they would try next emergency contact or try your place of work. Lots of jobs you can’t have your phone eg if you are medical or in court.

Roseshavethorns · 04/03/2025 14:12

Your are not responsible for your mil actions. She knew she had an appointment and failed to make arrangements to get there. She is an adult. She knew you were unavailable as did your DH.
You are not obliged to be attached to your phone.
What would have happened if the school/ nursery had called? The exact same thing that did happen. They would have spoken to your dh who, in that instance, would have dealt with it.

Cakeandusername · 04/03/2025 14:13

I’d tell dh to tell her to book taxi in advance or book hospital transport next time.

JimHalpertsWife · 04/03/2025 14:13

MoreDangerousThanAWomanScorned · 04/03/2025 13:58

I do try and make sure that I check my phone at least hourly during the day in case school or nursery call. I do think from 9.30 to 1 is a long time to be completely unreachable. However, I don't think any of that means it was your fault she missed her appointment - you were clear that you were unavailable and, as others have said, she should have booked a taxi rather than rely on uber for an important appointment.

If something urgent happened at Nursery and they couldn't get hold of the OP, they'd call the dh.

MarchingintoSpring · 04/03/2025 14:14

There’s more than one taxi firm and she should have pre booked. Not your fault.

Ponderingwindow · 04/03/2025 14:14

I must admit I find not having your phone handy when you have a child unusual. That is probably because we have a medically fragile child. Even when she is at school, we make sure one of us is always reachable. There have been far too many occasions where we have had to drop everything to go deal with a flare up. If we were living in a world before cell phones, we would just have less freedom, one of us would be staying by a landline.

it still isn’t your job to get your Mil to her appt though.

Shinyandnew1 · 04/03/2025 14:15

Why are they blaming you?

I presume your DH and MIL were accepting that you were busy when she first asked you, what do they think had changed?

JimHalpertsWife · 04/03/2025 14:15

I must admit I find not having your phone handy when you have a child unusual

There are many jobs where it is just not possible for someone to have their phone on them / regularly check it throughout the day. Those people still have dc.

justasking111 · 04/03/2025 14:15

I got told off at lunchtime because I had gone to the pharmacy, then shopping so missed what's app 🙄

JoyousEagle · 04/03/2025 14:15

I wouldn't be surprised if she never really intended to get a taxi.

It's fine to call if you find out you can't get a taxi, but to then blame someone for not being available is ridiculous.

MellowCritic · 04/03/2025 14:17

Ppl have lost all sense of boundaries if they feel they can blame their dil for someting like this and having the courage to say something like this out loud. Even if you thought it, if you had any kind of social awareness you would never say it.

ExcessiveNumberOfNinjas · 04/03/2025 14:19

Well obviously YANBU.

Don't let anyone guilt trip you into thinking this is your fault.

I8toys · 04/03/2025 14:19

Don't start with this or it will get worse as she gets older and you'll end up being at her beck and call. Her transport is her responsibility.

ForRealCat · 04/03/2025 14:20

My guess would be she didn't even try for the taxi. She asked you in advance, you said no, so she planned on springing this on you at the last minute. Next time you say no ask her "do you want me to book you a taxi now, because you forgot last time?"

TheAmusedQuail · 04/03/2025 14:21

Missedapp · 04/03/2025 13:52

She books Ubers on the day rather than booking anything in advance . I genuinely think she feels I should have my phone in my hand at all times she’s also said it’s awful because ‘what if the school or nursery call and you don’t answer?’

Show quote history

Well then, you call the school or nursery back as soon as you're able to!

What if you were a teacher by profession? Schools require phones to be switched off during lesson time.

We're not all available 24 hours a day and why should we have to be????

Her lack of planning is not your fault.

OldGothsFadeToGrey · 04/03/2025 14:22

I also think people don’t realise that me having a mobile is for my convenience. Not theirs.

trivialMorning · 04/03/2025 14:24

Surely there was more than one taxi service to contact.

We had to go home to where I grew up - fairly rural - no taxi at any ranks at station or town - used google phoned 3 firms before got one to turn up. Then had to get card and call that firm to get back from rural bit.

If she knew in advanced she could have booked hospital.

She is an adult not a child you are reponsible for and you said you were busy - so I'd get annoyed back at both of them.

Any school nursury could have rung your DH in an emergency and if they could get no-one should have procedures for that.

0ctavia · 04/03/2025 14:25

For the people asking “ what would you do if the school or nursery called “ - are you the same people who would complain if your solicitor / dentist / doctor / nail technician / vicar / teacher / high court judge / counsellor / MP stopped dealing with you to chat on the phone during an appointment?

Or if the bus driver parked up on the side of the road to talk to her kids nursery?

Many many people can’t take calls at work and ( shock horror) some of them are women . Yes I know, imagine any woman actually working for a living! and doing an actual job where you don’t sit filing your nails and looking pretty all day!

They manage this by leaving other numbers ( like an admin team or reception or child’s father ) . And by having more than one emergency contact.

And while we are on the subject of shocking news - having a vagina doesn’t mean you need to be on call 24/7 to run errands for your husbands ( or your own) family. Women are not just service humans.

LatteLady · 04/03/2025 14:25

Just because you own a phone, you are not obliged to answer it. Nor are you responsible for getting your M-i-L to and from hospital appointments, you had already said that you were busy and that no doubt, is why you could not answer the phone. End of story.

KnickerFolder · 04/03/2025 14:26

It’s not your fault but… what were you doing? Why was your phone on silent in your bag for 3 hours without checking it? I wouldn’t be impressed with my DP if they were uncontactable for 3 hours without a very good reason why they weren’t checking their phone eg in a work meeting or medical appointment.

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 04/03/2025 14:26

Missedapp · 04/03/2025 13:52

She books Ubers on the day rather than booking anything in advance . I genuinely think she feels I should have my phone in my hand at all times she’s also said it’s awful because ‘what if the school or nursery call and you don’t answer?’

Show quote history

That’s what the second named contact is there for. If they can’t get hold of the primary they get hold of the next person on the list. She sounds like a pain.

Hazeby · 04/03/2025 14:27

You'd already told MIL and DH you were unavailable. It can come as no great surprise to either of them that you were, in fact, unavailable

This sums it up really.

KarmenPQZ · 04/03/2025 14:28

The answering or not answering your phone is irrelevant. You’d said you were unavailable as you’re out of the area. Even if you’d answered that was still accurate.

surely it’s a DH problem. Could he not have got someone to collect son from nursery? Does DH need to widen his support network by helping other families when they need so he can ask favours when he needs. This is how Mums do it right?