It wasn’t my fault MIL missed an important appointment ???

[Missedapp]

Last week MIL asked for a lift to a hospital appt today. Neither of us could do it due to other commitments. She was annoyed but was going to get a taxi.

Dh had work then was going to be picking youngest up from nursery and I was also busy and out of the area.

When I got home at lunchtime and looked at my phone I had missed calls and messages MIL saying she couldn’t get a taxi , DH saying his mum needed a lift he needed me to get ds from nursery instead etc but I didn’t hear my phone and so it turns out DH couldn’t help her and she didn’t go. It’s my fault apparently and ‘what’s the point having a phone ‘ then MIL saying i deliberately ignored them both !

I was busy and rushing about , it was noisy and I had my phone in my bag and on silent. I had checked it around 930 I think but all these calls and messages were from 1030 onwards and I’d got home at 1

You can pre-book Ubers, OP! This isn’t your fault at all. I can’t touch my phone in my working hours. School always try my number first but then Dad, and then my Mum, so that point is useless too (and irrelevant). Keep your head held high on this one.

she had plenty of time to arrange something either taxi or there are loads of charity transport things. I know my oh gets annoyed if I do not get to my phone immediately but he is impossible to get hold of! that is even important things like when his mum was rushed to hospital in the end I had half the town out looking for him thankfully he did get there before she died.
no do not listen to them mil is an adult she should arrange her own transport

I don't understand the dh needing you to pick up ds. He was at work yes? So in order for him to ferry her around he not only needed you to then do Nursery pickup but also leave work early? Is that right?

MIL seems to think OP and her DH are her on call gofers, even when they've told her they are not available. MIL needs to get herself to her own appointments.

I don't the answer my phone immediately unless it's an urgent matter or emergency. Mil's appointments are neither.

@Missedapp you'd already said that you could not help out on this occasion. You had made it clear that you were not available that morning. MIL's poor planning has nothing to do with your availability. She sounds like a PITA.

It is no one's business but yours as to how often you check your phone. Some ghastly suggestions here that you should be checking more often because you have a child in nursery. I am genuinely shocked by this. Firstly, we have to have ensured to our own satisfaction that nurseries are safe environments with responsible adults supervising, otherwise why are we leaving our kids there? Secondly, we know that there are two parents in OP's relationship, so it is not just the responsibility of the mother to be on red alert for every moment her child is at nursery because the parenting is shared. If, the nursery is unable to contact either parent in an emergency they will have contingency in place for dealing with that. As a single parent, there were plenty of times when I was in work without access to my mobile and had to have confidence that the people who were responsible for my children could deal with an emergency until such time as I could get there. In fact most of the childcare environments I used had people who were qualified first aiders, which was a damn sight more use than I would have been.

Yanbu to say no to the lift and not be standing by your phone in case mil needed you. However she may have a point about nursery.

I overslept the other day and that's your fault too. I'll send my info so you can reimburse me the pay they docked.

Seriously now-NO it is not your fault. They're both crazy to pin this on you.

She has zero point about nursery. MIL was able to get in touch with the father of the child at nursery, so Nursery would be able to too.

And so what if nursery or school has called? If it's an emergency they will have a protocol in place, take child to hospital etc. Which rarely happens if at all. How did people manage before?

MIL may have to take you seriously from now on when you say you aren't available and not expect you to step in!

I don't know why you're getting grief from either of them tbh, MIL has messed up here, she should have prebooked or not left getting to get an uber to the last min.

I once had a call because my child hit his head really hard and the nursery staff said he needed to be observed for symptoms of a concussion, and they were too busy looking after all children to do it properly. (He was fine just developed a lump the size of an egg on his head.)

He was absolutely better off at home with me watching him than he would have been at nursery in that instance. And of course if I didn't pick up the phone they would have called my husband or my mum, but I'm not sure what would have happened if all 3 of us didn't awnser.

Yanbu. Keep being un reachable when she needs favors last min

You are not being unreasonable but why was your phone on silent? Any urgent message could have been missed. We now have phones and can be contacted quickly so it makes sense to have the phone hearable at all times. (Endlessly frustrated by BiL who turns his phone off when in the house and expects everyone to remember his land line!)

Hang on, so your husband was going to take her but didn't because you didn't answer to say that you could pick your youngest up?

So why didn't he just agree to take her in the first place?

OP had her phone on silent and didn’t check it for 3.5 hours. As I said, it’s not her fault that her MIL missed her appointment but I wouldn’t be very impressed if my DP didn’t check their phone for that long just because they were busy out and about in case of a genuine emergency (which this wasn’t). Doctors, judges, solicitors, teachers, pretty much any profession would usually have a chance to check their phone at work every few hours and would be contactable through their workplace in an absolute emergency, which isn’t the case if OP wasn’t working.

I’m with you @Missedapp

I mean surely your MIL remembers the time when no one had a mobile? She coped then. So why is she suddenly beating you up with the ‘I can’t contact you whenever I want and that’s bad’ tripe?

Tell her and dh you will not be available ever. Now she can be responsible for her own transport like a big girl, and dh needn’t try and chase you to do his mothers bidding. If nursery couldn’t get hold of you they would phone your husband. They are both being ridiculously controlling.

The thing, not everyone is you.
I doubt it’s the first time the OP hasn’t checked her phone for 4 hours. Her dh hasn’t a problem with it util then!
Its only an issue because MIL hasn’t planned her trip well (or wanted to force the OP’s hard).

Why not ring his landline then? You don't need to remember it: it can be stored in your phone.

As said up thread, mobiles are for the convenience of the owner, not other people. Perhaps she had a migraine and needed a lie down.

YANBU OP

Though I think OP should not put her phone on silent, I agree with you. I am MiL (not OP's!). I do not expect other people to get me to appointments of any sort - I drive or catch a bus, or (if at night and parking iffy/not sure about) take a taxi. MiL should be more organised.

No one owes you their complete availability. It's perfectly fine to be unreachable to others sometimes.

“This busyness was why I let you know I was unable to take you.”

I know it isn't the point but before mobile phones, people had landlines, they would normally leave their home number or their work number with places like school, or a number they could be reached at.

obviously if you were out it was different, like in OPs case, but you would be called on your work landline if you were at work. or your home landline if you were at home.

I’m not sure how old MIL is or what type of appointment she had, but there is a chance she could have booked a hospital pick up if she’d needed to.
Couldn’t get a taxi? In 2025? The NHS is on its knees, hospital appointments are important and one has been missed here, and it’s all OP’s fault?
Have a feeling MIL didn’t want to go on her own and had no intention of getting a taxi.
Well, she will know next time!