It wasn’t my fault MIL missed an important appointment ???

[Missedapp]

Last week MIL asked for a lift to a hospital appt today. Neither of us could do it due to other commitments. She was annoyed but was going to get a taxi.

Dh had work then was going to be picking youngest up from nursery and I was also busy and out of the area.

When I got home at lunchtime and looked at my phone I had missed calls and messages MIL saying she couldn’t get a taxi , DH saying his mum needed a lift he needed me to get ds from nursery instead etc but I didn’t hear my phone and so it turns out DH couldn’t help her and she didn’t go. It’s my fault apparently and ‘what’s the point having a phone ‘ then MIL saying i deliberately ignored them both !

I was busy and rushing about , it was noisy and I had my phone in my bag and on silent. I had checked it around 930 I think but all these calls and messages were from 1030 onwards and I’d got home at 1

Even if you had heard the phone, you weren't available anyway!
Really she should have just rang the hospital to explain she was going to be late and was that ok? They're usually very accommodating. Next time she knows to her taxi book in advance and be more organised!
Don't give this another thought!

If I was at work I would have left to pick DD if she was sick, I wouldn’t leave to get an adult who couldn’t get a taxi.
she can book hospital transport, they often pick you up hours before and leave you waiting after, but if taxis don’t work out that’s her best option

Some people aren't glued to their phone every hour of the day! I go hours (more than 3 anyway,) without even thinking about mine!

I check my phone hourly and always have due to the DC being at school BUT if I had picked up a message like that saying I had to drop what I was doing due to MIL bad planning asking me to do something I had already said I couldn't then I would ignore it at best or say no .

Not your problem. You had already said you were unavailable. She needed to book a taxi in advance or speak to the hospital and enquire about hospital transport.

If you and DH had already arranged to be elsewhere, why would he agree to change his plans to accommodate her? Does he normally say one thing then do another?

I assume you were doing something DH and MIL thought was 'non essential' otherwise why would DH have tried to get you to go to pick up from nursery?

I do find it annoying when people don't answer their phone though to be honest, I'd have absolutely no problem with you saying no to the request, and no to changing the plans that you had already made, but everything being up in the air because no one can get hold of you would annoy the shit out of me.

Seriously 'what were you doing'?!
As per @trivialMorning s excellent post puts, would you be happy if your gp popped out mid consultation to take a call/answer a text?
Or your child's teacher?

Most people do check it fairly frequently.

Just pray you are never, never a MIL. You will instantly become an evil, plotting cow.

I agree that it wasn't OP's fault that her MIL missed the appointment, but to leap from that to 'MIL planned it all' - ffs.

I can go hours without checking my phone. DH often leaves his at home. Why do we have to be at everyone's beck and call?

I actually hated getting a mobile phone, I put it off for many years until someone bought me one for my birthday, I hate the idea of being "summond" by someone although I do appreciate they are handy for certain circumstances now.
That's why I've always looked at my phone as a tool for myself and nearly always never answer it, I filter and decide who I'm available for and when.

You told her you weren't available and low and behold you weren't. If your husband is giving you grief I would be telling them both you are now no longer available for any taxi services and to deal with the issue between themselves.

I think the phrase is "Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part". MILs situation was completely avoidable and they both knew you were not available in advance. Her accusations would likely result in me telling her to never bother asking for anything again... ever.

"Oh that's a shame, you'll have to make sure that you book a taxi in advance next time"

I think that was @0ctavia rather than me.

But I agree she made a good point.

Last time I has someone get arsy with me about not being immediatly contactable via vocie mail - I was sat in a different room to my phone sitting an exam. They got DH instead - the other parent who that morning was actually WFH and thus closer and more able to deal with situation.

I've also had work places phones just weren't allowed.

I find it highly unlikely she couldn't get an Uber. If she lives somewhere where there's one taxi company and no Ubers then yes, totally believable.

In a place that Uber services not being able to get an Uber is completely unrealistic. Where I live I could order one at 4am on a Tuesday and I wouldn't be waiting more than five minutes.

The only reason would be if she had such bad ratings that no one wants to pick her up, but if she usually uses Uber then it doesn't sound like it's that.

YANBU to not give her a lift HOWEVER 9.30-1 is a long time to not check your phone. I would assume you were blatantly ignoring too. 1 or 2 hours, fine. I can't believe a mother with a child in nursery doesn't look at her phone at all for 4 hours unless she was in hospital.

Although it's certainly not your fault, do you really get so many unimportant calls that you need to put your phone on silent all day?

I totally agree that you had said you were busy, so she should not have expected you to be checking your phone and also suddenly change whatever plans you had made. I do find it odd that you would be uncontactable for such a long time when you have children at school or nursery though. I have had 2 calls from the school in the past couple of years where my DS has had a nasty fall and I've had to get him to A&E for treatment. I can't think how awful I'd feel if school hadn't been able to contact me for such a long time. But then I'm probably more aware of it because I know DH has rubbish phone reception where he works (which also sometimes makes me anxious in case I ever needed to get hold of him in an emergency, although I could probably track him down through their switchboard but it's a very big place!)

If you are a teacher/bus driver/surgeon then presumably you will have given the main number so that you can be contacted in an emergency.

My take on this is that MIL left it until the last minute to call because she wanted a lift and DIL was only shopping etc. I also wonder if DIL did see the calls and chose to ignore!

Well, you don't. I handle that by taking my phone, answering calls when its convenient (I certainly don't get THAT many), and saying "Sorry, too busy at the moment, I'll call back" if that's appropriate. I am not sure why picking up a phone occasionally and talking into it for a few seconds seems such an imposition for a lot of people.

Unless absolutely unavoidable, I try to have my phone on me at all times that I’m not with DD in case her school rings etc. (mostly an anxiety issue on my part).

Regarding MIL though?
I’d be missing that phone call on purpose. That is 100% her own fault and DH can put on his big boy pants and tell her.
I miss my own mother’s phone calls sometimes for the same reason. I am one of three siblings yet I am the only one in full time work, I’m the only one that drives, I’m pregnant, I have a young child in school and I have my own home to run but DM has decided I am the child who must run her around everywhere and answer all her queries and wonderings and I get “told off” if I don’t answer the phone immediately 🙄

Yes you told them you weren’t available so dh shouldn’t have swapped stuff about esp if he was picking up ds and you were busy

equally I wouldn’t have my phone on silent if my child wasn’t with me - school have rang me before to say dd has banged head. She’s ok but wanted me to know. Or that she’s had her inhaler etx

next time book mil a taxi

Exactly. People used to be unavailable the entire working day,and the world turned nevertheless.

MIL is experiencing natural consequences of her own poor planning. Not your problem.

OP hasn't signed any sort of contract with her MIL to answer her calls within a specified time window. She was busy and didn't hear her phone. She isn't on call. She wasn't blatantly ignoring her MILs calls, but she could have done that if she'd wanted to as she had already told her that she wasn't available.

Frankly, I would instantly become LESS available not more. They've decided you're a support human, meant to make up for their lack of planning (MIL) and care (DH). Your DH could have booked a taxi. He didn't.