To think that being told to make my work emails more “flowery” is ridiculous?

[BoldBrickDreamer]

I was recently given feedback that my work emails should be more “flowery” and “softer.” Apparently, I come across as too direct, even though I’m always polite and professional.

I don’t see the issue - why should I have to add unnecessary fluff just to get my point across? Surely being clear and to the point is more efficient?

AIBU to think this is just another way of policing how people (especially women) communicate in the workplace? Or is there actually value in making emails sound a bit more “gentle?”

If I had this feedback, I would be very tempted to do as @Ankhmo did and go totally overboard. Although I'm only 3 months into a new job, so perhaps it would be more sensible to ask for examples of the sort of thing they mean.

I did have to go and chat to HR about my tone etc in a previous job. When I pointed out that X was far worse, to the point people actively avoid working with him, I was told that that's just the way he is and I needed to learn to live with him. But I was expected to change, rather than anyone learning to live with me? The only real difference about me was that I was the only woman in the department, but when I suggested sexist double standards might be at play, I was told I was being over sensitive. Hmm.

Was this a male, by any chance? I would compare your email style to that of your male colleagues and see if they are any different. (My guess is no….) If not, I would take these examples to HR and ask why your male colleagues are not being instructed to make their emails more flowery.

Do you work in a garden centre, if so then of course you should write flowery emails.

Don't get too hung up on one word, just take it on board and be a bit less direct.

On the surface, this seems very sexist. But I'm wondering if maybe they just meant to say "please" and frame things as a request, rather than a demand.

Ha Ha Ha Ha, yes I have had that feedback before because I generally stick to facts and information, when I have used superlatives it really loses the message.

If you are generally polite i.e. address the person, say pleases and thank yous I wouldn't worry to much about it, but it you just give them one line of "I want X by Friday" then I would be a bit annoyed.

Or use AI to strike the right tone. Emails are so difficult because you can't judge the persons mood when they read it, whereas with talking if someone looked a bit wobbly you would use a gentler tone with them.

See the inital would annoy me, but if someone can't come they don't owe me an explanation as to why.

I think she wants you to approach email requests as you would face-to-face requests. I.e. pleasantly. You wouldn't just walk up to someone and bluntly say, “Could you take a look at this when you get a chance? Thanks!” then walk off, especially if these people are your equals/colleagues. Are you a manager though? I would generally expect and accept less friendliness from a manager than from a colleague.

I've had this feedback before and I also think it's ridiculous. My emails are direct, clear, and to the point, but they are never rude. I have some people email me and they beat around the bush so much I'm not even clear what they want.

I also have a colleague who over instant chat will message 'hi', I will say hi back, then they'll ask 'how are you / how is your day going etc'.... before actually getting to the point of why they are messaging me.

I find it SO tedious - why do they not just message me what they want in the first message.

Superb!

That will get things done.

Whoever wrote that can work for me! 😀

I greatly dislike long convoluted business emails which beat around the bush with stupid niceties rather than just saying what the writer wants, using the minimum number of words.

I don’t ’love that shit’. Seen it lot lately, from big company clients. Was it in some stupid management book or something?

I think what’s it to you whether I’m well or not? We both know you don’t give a monkey’s about me, or I about you, so kindly shut up a tell me what it is you want.

I totally get you, I’m Scandinavian and we tend to be very direct. I hate the “ flowery” bollocks, get to the point, I don’t have time for fluff. Also the more senior you get the preference seems to be “ get to the flipping point”. However, especially here in the UK, people seem to be quite sensitive and if you want to get the best out of them you might need to add a bit more fluff. I think it says a lot about people if they get offended or wouldn’t be inclined to do their best at work just because your email is straight to the point. Frankly I have no time for them

It depends how you want people to perceive you and how you want to get your message across. If you want people to feel warmth and connection then add a bit of fluff to help grease the wheels. It's hard to convey tone and feeling in a short email about a specific subject if you don't add any pleasantries which means people can perceive your intentions incorrectly.

You not seeing the issue.....is probably the issue.

It's ironic that most of the responses that agree with you are paragraphs of 'fluff' giving justification to their directness

All these people talking about how they prefer blunt and direct emails and how being nice is stupid reminds me of those teenagers who are all edgy because they think it makes them cooler.

Just be a little bit nice to people and stop being huge edgelords, damn. You're not being cool, you're being cringey.

The amount of “just use energy-intensive and problematic AI to plagiarise the millions of minor work emails you send instead of developing basic communication skills that will stand you in good stead your entire career” advice is terrifying.

The use of the word “flowery” is ridiculous and should be ignored. “Softer” may be valid.

If your emails really are as polite yet direct as the one you quoted, I think they are fine and you should disregard the feedback, but if they actually often err more towards

Here’s the file you requested.
Kath

or

This report needs updating with the information from yesterday’s session. Can you have this done no later than end of day?
Thanks,
Kath

then perhaps you could be a touch friendlier.

We’ve only ever had to have words with one colleague whose approach was too direct - a man as it happens but it would have been bloody tiresome had they been a woman and they used sexism as a defence. As it happens he accepted he should soften his approach, he was given concrete examples of how his emails and his in-person conversations impacted others, he just didn’t value how others felt. When he left, despite his talent we were quite relieved he was someone else’s problem.

Flowery and softer are two different things to me. Making them flowery sounds unnecessary but softer suggests you are being too direct/ setting a harsh tone and you need to tone it down. I would try and work on the softer element .

request =
I have a tight deadline of 12 March, grateful if you can do xyz by Friday to help me with that. Many thanks.

chase up =
wondering if you were able to (or did you happen to ...) find that file we discussed? Many thanks

if I'm confirming agreement, I would never just put "OK fine", that would be passive aggressive in my mind, it takes nothing to type "Thanks Jane that sounds ideal" if you're in a rush.

In our industry it's very normal to just put the persons name, not Hi or Dear, but I tend to add the latter to soften, otherwise it can come across too brusque and to a more junior grade, it could sound a bit intimidating, so I always start with Hi

I'm with you, I prefer to the point emails. I do believe there is expectation for women to write fluffy emails, but in my experience it's other women that expect softer emails, mocked my direct style, but no issue seen when male colleagues just write to the point emails. There's no need to write essays about weather and weekend, I just want to convert the information or ask for it.

I love a brusque, to the point email. Hate flowery waffle. So I'm on your side.

To your example @CheekyHobson

This report needs updating with the information from yesterday’s session. Can you have this done no later than end of day?

to

please would you add the information discussed yesterday so the report is up to date (is end of today possible please?)

It goes to show that the same number of words, but well chosen and phrased, makes so much difference.

I find using the third person comes across as more brusque than personalising it in the first person and more likely to gain cooperation.

Plus, giving a reason why the task is needed, lets the person know what they're contributing,

I think the point isn't really about more flowery or fluffy, it's about softening the tone and gaining cooperation. The word flowery is quite misleading.

Agree!

Dear OP,

E-mails can be a source of great stress on top of a million other things to deal with so being spoken to in a pleasant manner can make a big difference to how colleagues feel upon receiving them and consequently how they feel about you.

Ask yourself how you feel when someone asks you to do something in a nice way compared to a direct way. I know which I prefer. Both work. However, one nurtures working relationships, whilst the other makes the sender come across as rigid and full of themselves.

All things grow with love and kindness and feeling safe and cared for at work fosters creativity and helps teams to GROW! 🌱

Kindest regards.
Lydia