To think that being told to make my work emails more “flowery” is ridiculous?

[BoldBrickDreamer]

I was recently given feedback that my work emails should be more “flowery” and “softer.” Apparently, I come across as too direct, even though I’m always polite and professional.

I don’t see the issue - why should I have to add unnecessary fluff just to get my point across? Surely being clear and to the point is more efficient?

AIBU to think this is just another way of policing how people (especially women) communicate in the workplace? Or is there actually value in making emails sound a bit more “gentle?”

Doesn't mean there is an issue with the OP.

Could be a manager with too much time on their hands.

@BoldBrickDreamer I'd ask them for an example of such an off email, as well as one which is OK.

The language used, "softer" and more "flowery" is definitely gendered. In no way would a man be asked to alter their writing using these words.

1. Ask for them to tell you what "flowery" means?
2. If you want to stick any important emails into Chat GPT and ask it to make them BIFF compliant.

OP you are missing the point because people don’t like criticism.

The senior person is telling you in a nice way that your emails are too direct and the tone isn’t positive. Being direct and polite is one thing but emails are cold and people aren’t robots.

Instead of complaining about the advice and looking to disagree and show how you are right the better move would be to reflect on why this feedback has been given to you and what you may want to do to change.

If it’s being fed back like that it has been noticed by a senior person who feels the need to not only address it but also to directly give you feedback.

It isn’t about the literal point of being fluffy it’s that your emails aren’t being received in the way you have intended and instead of the point you are making are making others feel like you are being too aggressive/demandiing/cold (or whatever word should be added here).

I concur with asking them if they'd ask a man to be more 'flowery'.

You sound like someone I work with. She doesn't actually say anything rude but she comes across as rude because she is too brusque and can’t be bothered with the niceties that oil the wheels of social intercourse. Her emails always put my back up.

"How are you? I hope you are well and had a lovely weekend. It would be marvellous if you could do me a BIG favour and let me have the report by Friday. Thanks so much" - that’s just over-flowery and sickening.

"Please get the report to me by Friday." There’s nothing actually rude in that but it comes across as peremptory and hard.

"I’d be grateful if you could let me have the report by Friday. Thanks." This one is just about right, imo.

It's all about the tone.

(It's a bit like the three bears.)

This is exactly what I do

Just stick "I hope this email finds you well" at the beginning and "warmest regards" at the end, job done. People love that shit.

E-mails should be concise, to the point. No need for flowery sentences. I've never heard such nonsense.

@BoldBrickDreamer my question to myself - and them - is would a man of the same age etc have been given this very same feedback? If the answer is no - I ignore said feedback.

ask them if you need to be flowery and softer because you are female?

i try to avoid a lot of the passive apologetic hand wringing expected of females in some work fields. ‘If you don’t mind…. If it’s ok… etc’

I also use UIHO - unless I hear otherwise by x date I will be using the attached copy as our press release… as I got fed up of getting the run around and chasing folks.

I have been told I’m too direct etc. but I always use, hi, cheers etc and try to start with a simple statement showing interest or appreciation in a colleagues life/work or interest.. hope the gig was good/the presentation was fabulous etc.

I have adhd so try to balance my people pleasing, over thinking nature with my desire to get my message across etc. I love this adulting malarkey. If anyone has the instructions for it all please pass them over.

A member of my team writes like that @mellap it drives me mad. He has no self awareness I have to regularly give him feedback and he improves for about 3 days then the rudeness is back, it really pisses people off, he comes across as patronising and rude. I think the example OP gave is fine.

I think there’s a middle ground op. For context I’m very direct. my male boss is very lovely in email and person, much more so than me.

For example, instead of “Would you be so kind as to take a look at this when you have a moment? No rush at all, whenever works for you!” I’d say something like “Could you take a look at this when you get a chance? Thanks!” Still polite, just not overly flowery.

here I’d prob say something like ‘I’d appreciate if you could have a look at this when you get a chance. It’s not urgent but if it’s going to be tricky to do in the next week or you have any questions could you let me know please?

kind regards

because I would appreciate it.

Well, I think a "Please" wouldn't go amiss in your example. Interested that you say you write "Thanks" where it's appropriate - it's rarely ever inappropriate and only unnecessary when you are using another sign-off (Kind regards, Best wishes, etc.), and always looks better as "Many thanks".

I would suggest "Please would you take a look at this when you get a chance? Many thanks!" would be more polite/less blunt whilst still not being "flowery".

That's almost a haiku! How poetic.

I actually had the opposite in a past job, male boss asked us to not apologise and never to ask permission i.e 'is that ok', he thought it demonstrated a lack of confidence.

Have you recently changed sector/company?

In my last job succinctness of communication was highly valued.

The culture at my new job is quite different and I've had to adapt my communication style based on similar feedback.

I still get frustrated by how inefficient it is to have to write (or read) 500 words when 50 would have done, but sometimes you just have to play the game.

Give us more examples of your emails sent.
Send it by tomorrow morning, first thing.

BT3

And was constantly called into his office to look at the email if he thought it was the weak tone.

Sorry, I've not read the thread... but/and, OP do you work in academia by any chance? I do, and I'm fed up with the

"Good morning MxFlamingnoravera, I hope you are well?

The xyz department have kindly requested that you complete the attached [incomprehensible and sight to make your eyes bleed] spreadsheet. It's rather urgent as the (name of external oversight body/ies) have requested that we provide this data by 10am this morning.

If you would kindly complete sheets 1-14 and return them to me by 9:15 today I would be very grateful.

I hear you are due to depart on annual leave tomorrow, wishing you a restful break!
All Best wishes
Dr Frankenstein "

I get these all the time, I work three days a week and they always seem to arrive on a day I don't work, and won't be working until at least two working days plus a weekend has passed. So I always have to reply with a simpering reply apologising for my late reply and asking them to note my working days in my signature and cc in xyz colleagues in future. And asking them to note that I have completed sheets 1-14 by 09:10 on the day i received their message.

I nearly always get a cheery response back saying I'm one of the first to respond! By which time I'm fuming!

I don't get why I have to read the greeting, the "kindly this" and "grateful that" nonsense that seems to be inherent in academia.

If you don't work in academia OP, then I can assure you it's rife in universities, and I hate it too.

In your case, I would ask for examples of template emails they might suggest fit the "house style" better. Do they have a style manual? If not then perhaps whoever asked you to provide the softer emails should write one so you can all make your emails as bland as each others!

I had this in a job.

I started every email there after with something like,

"Dear Terry, apologies for the verbosity of the following communique. I have attempted to appear loquacious but fear I may have reached pomposity, that aside, I do hope that you are well and that this email reaches you in good time and in good order.
I also hope that your family are well and are all enjoying the current balmy spring weather that seems to have befallen the country en masse. It reminds me very much of the springs of my youth, the warmth and the sun shine seemed to last for ever in those days of yore, which seems aeons ago.
But alas time marches on and today has made history of yesterday but still the stars continue to revolve.
You'll be glad to hear order A-6y94H has shipped.
I do hope this news brings a moment of joy into your life and wish you many more moments of joy from now until I next email.
I remain, as ever, yours faithfully..."

That lasted about a day before my manager had phone calls and had to explain that he'd told me to be more flowery...

I was right,they didn't give a fuck, they just wanted the relevant information.

I used copilot to review my email and it said I wasn't showing I valued other people. It changed my email to ask after their health/wellbeing and added detail to my thanks. It softened some of my sentences.

Being told by AI to be more personable is the pits. But I used the advice and I do think it helps with tricky relationships.

They absolutely would be told that, in any organisation I’ve worked at, if their emails were brusque to the point of rudeness (which I suspect the OP’s probably are).

I had a colleague who used to send the “When are you going to send the report?“ style e-mails.

People did get quite offended and tended to deliver the asked-for report with a pointed sniff.
“Well, it wasn’t late you know!”
Huff.

She rubbed so many people up the wrong way that someone ended up having to check her emails before they were sent out.
In her case English was not her first language, but she was fluent and had no actual difficulty with the language as such, she just misjudged the tone.

That said, I do think your edited version is too much!☺️

I’ve been told this before, when I first started working in the UK. Interestingly when we then began working with Irish suppliers my boss mentioned that maybe he was wrong to correct my tone as it was clearly the norm in previous roles I’d had.

the example I was given to follow was a colleague who would begin emails with a paragraph outlining what she had been up to for the weekend and referencing something mentioned by the intended recipient during their last communication. I hated it as it felt like such a waste of time and an overshare when all I wanted was to give or receive an update on whatever project we were working on at the time.

Anything like this at work, which could be micro-managing, I’d ask for an example of an email they think isn’t flowery enough and how they feel it should’ve been written. Ask in the spirit of being keen to comply. It often makes micro-managey people back off if you ask for specifics.

What’s the boss who this like? I bet it’s a woman.

It does sound rather sexist. I doubt they’d give this feedback to a man. Do you have male colleagues who do a similar job’ to you. What are their emails like? You could hint at sex discrimination, e.g. ‘have you asked John to make his emails more flowery, as I notice they’re of a similar tone to mine’

I’m definitely considering asking for more specifics to understand how I can improve, if that’s what they want. I’d rather just be clear and efficient, but I get it, it’s worth checking.

As for the feedback, it’s from a woman, but I’m not sure if male colleagues get the same type of feedback. I’ll keep an eye on their emails to see if there’s any noticeable difference. If it turns out to be the case, I might just bring it up casually like you suggested.