To think that being told to make my work emails more “flowery” is ridiculous?

[BoldBrickDreamer]

I was recently given feedback that my work emails should be more “flowery” and “softer.” Apparently, I come across as too direct, even though I’m always polite and professional.

I don’t see the issue - why should I have to add unnecessary fluff just to get my point across? Surely being clear and to the point is more efficient?

AIBU to think this is just another way of policing how people (especially women) communicate in the workplace? Or is there actually value in making emails sound a bit more “gentle?”

It’s difficult to say anything of value in the abstract. But I will say that communication isn’t just about imparting information, it’s also about building relationships. How do your colleagues email? Do they include “Hope you’re well” and “Have a good weekend?” If there’s an accepted house style, then it seems reasonable to follow it.

I've had exactly same from my boss. My emails are perfectly polite, articulate and well structured. But not friendly enough apparently. I'm friendly with people I know, but he wants me to be equally friendly towards brand new contacts. I'm not particularly comfortable with it, and don't appreciate the micro-management, but I've gone along with it to keep the peace.

@BleachedJumper it's an example of different writing styles, not depiction of an actual event!

I hate flowery, I want direct

I think this is something that has changed over the last few years. I work mainly with younger people and have noticed that they are much friendlier snd enthusiastic in their email tone.
I now write mine as usual then go back and fluff them up. Things change and it's probably best to try and keep up.

there definitely is. Ask them to do a compare and contrast on random samples of men’s and women women’s emails - they’ll soon see that they are not seeing their own gendered expectations.

I think some of this is industry and role dependent too- one of my hats is PR and marketing and fan and artist liaison - so that requires a few more social niceties and networking than say 'legal'

The Germans and Dutch in my old firm hated the English waffley not actually saying what you mean style.

I got negative feedback once that my voice was wrong not deep and authoritative enough. Err ok sorry am not a man got the message!

One of my team is very blunt in her emails and I can't stand it. I wouldn't ask for 'flowery' but have the decency to tell me why you can't make an event rather than just 'I can't make that date' and sign off with your actual name not just one initial....(particularly when the name is only 3 letters long anyway....) Comes over as offhand, superior and kind of lazy like she barely has the time for anything above the bare minimum. Which I know is absolutely not the case.

I get what you’re saying and I do adapt somewhat to the general tone of the office. My colleagues do tend to add things like “Hope you’re well/Have a great weekend” and I don’t have an issue with that. But the feedback I got specifically said my emails should be more ‘flowery’ and ‘softer,’ which feels like a step beyond just being polite - it feels like style policing. I’m always professional and courteous, I just don’t see why I need to add extra fluff to get my point across.

I think it varies a lot across industries.

I work for a large supplier agency across different clients and have to adapt to different email TOV plus mirror back as appropriate to match client styles. There’s informal but direct client, fluffed up and spellcheck client, and one sentence max no worries about spag client… Keeps thing interesting I guess 😂

I’m 31, so not exactly from the ‘older’ generation, but I still don’t see the need for all the fluff in emails.

Could you change to the Disney font so you get little hearts over the "I"?

Or maybe write your emails like an edition of Lady Whistledown? She was a big hit on the 'ton.

Just put it through an AI tool with the instruction that it's for work but the tone should be softer and more friendly, when you're emailing that particular person, and have it do it for you.

It's the exclamation mark after 'Thanks' that would annoy me in this case. I put my email drafts into ChatGPT to improve them (my first language isn't English), which seems to work well. I don't think this is a men vs. women issue.

😆😆😆

I've given similar feedback to male and female employees many times over the years.

Nobody is expecting every email to be a romantic missive, but some people send emails the same way they send txt messages, and it can easily come off the wrong way, especially if the emails are external.

I have a similar style OP, and nobody has ever complained. I hate unnecessary waffle.

The way our communication is heard depends on the context we’re in. If your works organisational culture uses lots of fluffy faffy flowery bits in communicating, then it’s best to communicate like that unless you want the main thing people get from your email to be that the tone is a bit off. It doesn’t matter what people here think of examples you may post - it just matters how your communication compares to the norms in your organisation.

I work somewhere which goes in for very soft flowery communication. It drives me bananas. But I’ve made myself adapt to it because I find it’s most effective if I communicate in line with cultural norms, so that I’m not seen as brusque when I’m in fact perfectly happy!

I remember a colleague asking me if she came across as rude in her emails/interactions after she'd had some similar feedback. I said no, just Polish.

Style direction is fine in work imo

I’m retired now but when I was working I used to compose my emails, read them through and then edit them to be friendly. It didn’t mean being flowery, it was rather than saying ‘Dear Bloggins, to summarise our meeting, you need to do x y and z by 5 March,’ ‘Dear Bloggins, here’s a note of what we talked about earlier: I’m going to sort out a, b and c and if you could deal with x, y and z as agreed, that would be great. We need to have this done by 5 March because of d, e and f.’

It is less blunt and has the advantage of giving them context as a reminder.

I’d rather receive direct and non-flowery comms tbh.

Ah, the delicate ballet of corporate communication a game where efficiency is sacrificed at the altar of perception. You see, the request to be “softer” isn’t about clarity or professionalism. No, it’s about power. The one who dictates the tone of discourse dictates the flow of influence.

Now, I respect directness. It’s a sharp blade that cuts through the noise. But let’s not be naïve workplaces don’t reward sharp edges; they prefer a blade so finely polished that you don’t feel the cut until it’s too late. If they want you to drape your words in silk, let them. But make no mistake silk can be wrapped around steel.

Diplomacy isn’t about submission it’s about subterfuge. If they demand softness, give it to them, but on your terms. Begin with warmth, a pleasantry here, a nod of understanding there. Disarm them before they even realize what’s happening.

Then, make your request sound like an invitation rather than a command. Instead of, “This needs to be done by Friday,” try, “It would be fantastic to have this wrapped up by Friday let me know if you foresee any challenges.” The deadline remains unchanged, but now they feel involved rather than ordered.
Use questions as traps, not inquiries. Instead of saying, “That won’t work,” say, “That’s an interesting approach how do you see it aligning with X priority?” You haven’t told them they’re wrong, but you’ve forced them to prove they’re right.

And when you must push back? Frame it as alignment, not resistance. “I completely see where you’re coming from. I think we can achieve the same goal with a slightly different approach here’s what I propose.” You’re not blocking them; you’re guiding them.

This is how you turn diplomacy into a weapon. Give them the softness they crave, but make sure the blade beneath it remains razor-sharp.

So you don’t see the issue that the tone of your emails has rubbed someone senior who is not your manager up the wrong way to such an extent that he’s gone out of his way to tell you?