To think that being told to make my work emails more “flowery” is ridiculous?

[BoldBrickDreamer]

I was recently given feedback that my work emails should be more “flowery” and “softer.” Apparently, I come across as too direct, even though I’m always polite and professional.

I don’t see the issue - why should I have to add unnecessary fluff just to get my point across? Surely being clear and to the point is more efficient?

AIBU to think this is just another way of policing how people (especially women) communicate in the workplace? Or is there actually value in making emails sound a bit more “gentle?”

You can add fluff without compromising clarity. There are some bad examples on this thread that bury the info – deadlines, actions – in paragraphs of fluff. Just consider the fluff as a format and use it the way you would bold a header (if you don’t have a template set up!) or in the olden days, frank a letter – tiny, repetitive but necessary actions. It doesn’t have to be exhausting. So:

Subject line: Actions & deadlines from today’s Novelty Marshmallow meeting

Hi Team Marshmallow [fluff]

Happy pancake day! Let’s flip to the point [fluff] – here are the agreed actions and tasks from today’s Novelty Marshmallow meeting. [content]

Please add all relevant dates to diaries and notify me asap if a clash, snafu or roadblock comes up. [content but with a side of fluff with the word snafu]

Belinda
• Action: research and write report on vegan food colourings
• Deadline: 1 April
• Format of last year’s report [linked for reference]

Bob
• Action: visit the marshmallow factory and do a taste testing (lucky!) [teeny tiny fluff because you know Bob likes fluff. No fluff for Belinda because she likes a succinct email]
• Deadline: 1 April
• Please liaise with Brenda (not in attendance today but CC’d) for more info on the visit and the outcomes we need

Beatrice
• Action: source samples of sprinkles
• Deadline: 5 May
• Samples can sit in the Wonka test room for now, please contact Charlie (CC’d) if you don’t know the process for this

Hope this is all clear. [fluff, it’s obviously clear] I’m on annual leave on [dates] but will pick up on my return.

Thanks, all! [fluff]

Then you just send a variation on that – adapted to your workplace, I project manage but in quite fluffy industries (fashion, lifestyle, food, places with air kisses and kisses on emails); I’ve dialled down the tone in some other workplaces.

My opening fluff is 8 words (plus greeting) then it’s straight to business, but it works – even though it’s grating, it’s nothing anyone can object to (except privately cursing me on a Teams chat, maybe), it fluffs those who want to be fluffed, it says “pelargoniums is approachable so I can tell her I fucked up in the meeting and didn’t notice I can’t do the factory visit”. Those opening fluff words can be anything – “May the fourth be with you, Star Wars fans.” “It’s Halloween, have a 🦇 emoji.” Short, snappy, jumps the flowery communication style hoops without jeopardising the point of the email. I avoid “Hope you had a nice weekend” because it’s boring, insincere, and maybe everyone had a shit weekend. Weekends are also personal and the key to fluff is – unless as with Bob who you know is happy to talk about kittens at work and jokes about his cushty role doing taste testings – keep it blandly corporate.

"Flowery"

I'd have blown my top

Or more professionally - we just have different styles but I don't see that as compromising the quality and effectiveness of my work

Or passive aggressive- I'll send a few mails for you, would can add the flower and send them on for me till I understand

No one has mentioned any specific email that was an issue, and I haven’t changed how I communicate, so it’s hard to know what exactly triggered this feedback. If it was just about making things clearer or more professional, I’d be open to that, but ‘flowery’ just seems like a strange way to frame it.

These are internal emails to colleagues, not customer-facing ones. I understand the need for a different tone when dealing with clients, but for internal communication, I don’t see why emails need to be padded out with unnecessary pleasantries.

'@Katrinawaves
It’s really not.
im a senior (female) manager and have had to pull two relatively senior male direct reports up on their blunt (aka rude) style following complaints from senior (male) colleagues about them.
A few years ago I worked with a senior male manager who made a point of reviewing all his own emails for tone before he sent them and modelled this to his entire team. It’s a thing!'

You are missing the point.

There is no concrete examples of the OP having been 'rude' to anyone.

Instead she is receiving some vague, wooly, poorly worded feedback about being more 'flowery' in her communications.

I am a senior manager too and if I give feedback to anyone it is actually given based on specific examples and with practical advice on how the person can improve.

The fact that the manager has not be able to produce any evidence to back their claim makes it likely that:

• this manager does not have a clue of how to give constructive feedback
• the fact that the OP is a woman is a factor.

Have you ever read The Appeal? This reminds me very much of a particular character’s email style, which is meant to be overly ingratiating and fluffy, and desperate to be in with the in crowd.

Possibly having read The Appeal is part of why I hate fluffy emails.

Could you be neurodivergent? Are you a naturally direct person who dislikes small talk and says things straight to the point? No fluff?

I appreciate you don’t see it as compromising the quality or effectiveness of your work, nonetheless, i, as your boss am confirming to you that you are compromising the quality and effectiveness of my team. Are we on the same page now?

How should I explain to someone hide skinned that actually- there is a problem here?

I had this

SM took issue that I'd not hoped she'd had a lovely weekend

My email was something like

'Hi SM
Please find attached the file you asked for last week, it's now been updated, if you have any questions please let me know
Thanks Storm'

I was baffled

No she won't have asked the men to be more flowery

I think that this is the crucial bit.

If someone has sent you an email asking how you are, wishing you a great weekend, asking what you got up to etc. Then they're expecting a response to match that. "Lovely weekend thanks - so nice to see the sun! How was yours?" etc. And they're also expecting you to sometime be the person starting that conversation. This isn't fluff to the other person, its courtesy.

If you aren't doing that it will be coming across as rude or unfriendly even though you aren't meaning it to. It's not that you're doing anything wrong - in a different office your tone would be perfect - its that your tone isn't matching the rest of the office. Unless you're senior enough to reasonably expect to have a hand in changing office culture, I do think that it'll make your working life easier if you match the tone of your colleagues.

I do think that the person who has given you this feedback hasn't been clear. "Flowery" is a poor choice to describe the above, and comes with a host of very feminised expectations. They should have sat you down with some examples of your emails and "house tone" emails and asked you to look at the differece.

One of the key things we interview for is a skill where people know how to adapt their tone to the situation. It’s really important as part of relationship building with key stakeholders

I completely agree that there’s a difference between being direct but respectful and being outright abrupt. My emails are definitely more like your first example - polite and to the point - but not cold or robotic. I think there’s a balance between basic professionalism and unnecessary fluff, and I don’t see why internal emails need to be padded out with excessive small talk. I do engage with my colleagues in person, so it’s not like I’m avoiding building relationships altogether - it’s just that I don’t see email as the place for it.

Please confirm you don't work in a garden centre

I do have a good relationship with my manager, but I also don’t want to make a big deal out of something if it’s just one person’s preference. I completely agree that there’s a gendered element to this - women are often expected to soften their communication in a way men aren’t.

It’s also interesting that you and your colleague do that! Really highlights how much workplace communication is about perception rather than just getting things done efficiently.

In that case I agree with you. I wouldn’t flower up emails to colleagues either.

That’s a fair point. I don’t think my emails come across as overly authoritative, but I can see how tone can be interpreted differently by different people. I’ll have to pay closer attention to how my colleagues phrase things - maybe there’s a subtle difference that I haven’t noticed. That said, I do think there’s a balance between being approachable and adding unnecessary fluff, and I don’t want to overcorrect in a way that feels unnatural.

The fuck are you on about 😂
Her post is fine!

OP I guarantee this wouldn't be raised if you were a man.

I don’t think that’s the case but I do prefer being clear and to the point. I make sure to be polite but I don’t tend to add unnecessary filler. It’s interesting how different workplaces and people interpret email tone though.

Yes, that's exactly how I feel about it too.

I’m sorry , but talking about the weather is not what people are paid to do. That’s a leisure activity.

I don’t think so, but I do prefer being direct and to the point. I’ve always felt that small talk and unnecessary fluff can sometimes slow things down, so I tend to keep my communication focused and efficient. I always make sure to be polite though. It’s just my style.

No but I’ll look into it!

It’s not to everyone’s taste (it’s not mine, really; I’m far ruder outside work) but it works brilliantly in my particular industries and sectors. Like I said, I wouldn’t use it in some workplaces. But for the fluff-brained fashion crowd the bullets cut through the noise and the emojis appeal! 💃🏻

@BoldBrickDreamer pop a few of your standard email responses in chat gtp or other AI (Claude, Gemini etc) and ask it to analyse your voice, tone and type of writing.

There is a magic balance to strike between warmth and competency. Get it right and you come off as charismatic, trustworthy, dependable, knowledgeable and approachable.

Too much of the warmth without the competency and you come off as lovely but less knowledgeable/skilled/dependable.

Too much of the competency without the warmth and you come off as intelligent and skilled but cold, unapproachable and judgmental.

Both incompetent and cold is a recipe for disaster!

If you are being asked to be more ‘flowery’ you are in essence being asked to dial
up the warmth. It may be that your boss is privy to feedback, or an overarching perspective on the team, that you are not privy to.

Do you have a fear about giving it a go?

@BoldBrickDreamer couldnt be doing with all that faff!! an email should be succinct and to the point. you are too busy to write "flowery" emails to anyone, evey the bosses!