To think that being told to make my work emails more “flowery” is ridiculous?

[BoldBrickDreamer]

I was recently given feedback that my work emails should be more “flowery” and “softer.” Apparently, I come across as too direct, even though I’m always polite and professional.

I don’t see the issue - why should I have to add unnecessary fluff just to get my point across? Surely being clear and to the point is more efficient?

AIBU to think this is just another way of policing how people (especially women) communicate in the workplace? Or is there actually value in making emails sound a bit more “gentle?”

I think the OP’s (and PP’s) problem is that she wants to send “minimal” emails, whilst also getting to dictate how they perceived.

Perhaps if she received the feedback, “people perceive you as viewing others as work units rather than people. They don’t trust that you would be supportive of them in difficulty, and they do not voluntarily choose to interact with you. They also see that you are hostile to feedback you do not like, from which they infer you have low self-awareness, and difficulty adapting to different cultures.”
That is closer to what he maybe wanted to say. If he was talking to a man he just would have said “Yeah, you’re good technically, but you’re still a fucking arsehole to be around.”

I get what you’re saying, but I actually think my emails are polite - just to the point. I lasts say “please” and “thanks,” I just don’t add extra fluff. In person, I wouldn’t be overly flowery either, but I’d still be respectful.

I’m not a manager, but I am senior in my role, and I work with other senior colleagues. I don’t see them making their emails particularly flowery either, which is why the feedback surprised me.

I think there's direct but showing genuine empathy and collaborative working or direct but abrupt. Eg 'Hiya, sorry I know you're busy but it's really important these documents get looked at asap. Could you take a look and let me know what you think later? Thanks' is direct but treating the recipient like a human being. 'Need these documents looking at asap. Make it a priority and we need a meeting about them later' is much more abrupt amd transactional. 'Flowery' I'd regard as 'Hi sweetie. Hope you're well. How's your neighbour's budgie? If it's not too much trouble I'd quite like to get these documents sorted today. Would you mind taking a look and maybe we can grab a coffee later and catch up about them?' This is uneccessary and unrealistic, waffly and a bit irritating for both parties to be doing with every colleague IMO. Which is your manager expecting? The first I'd say is fairly reasonable. The latter not so much.

I would say either way though that in most workplaces it's quite important that you do try and make a bit of small talk with your colleagues and get to know them a bit as individuals. You don't need to be best buddies but you are a team afterall and generally if you get to know each other as human beings you will treat each other as human beings and this really is important for wellbeing. It's part of working in most environments. How do you think your colleagues find you irl? Is it just the emails that they're taking issue with?

I think that's really good advice.

And also has the advantage of a clear written record if things don't get done and there's a debate about who was meant to do it later down the line.

If you can touch type, it really doesn't take long. If you can't touch type it's a really valuable skill to have at any level.

Jimmyneutronsforehead

I find that when peopld use overly soft emails, I think that what they are asking is not important.

As I already am on a schedule, I tend to ignore these emails or just glance over them. Then the people end up chasing me for deadlines. The emails are so soft that I don't realise what they are asking. I often have to follow up with a phone call and clarify what is needed and how much time do I have.

flowery, no, but I can well imagine a bloke being told to soften his approach, depending on what his emails are like and what job he is doing.

Do you have a good enough relationship with your line manager that you can bring this up? They might well say 'oh ignore her, your emails are fine, every now and then she picks on someone'.

That said I hate 'hope you're well/had a nice weekend, how are you, how is the family' nonsense, such a waste of time, and it feels unprofessional to me. It's email, not a chat in the kitchen.

And yes, I agree it's a sexist thing. Men are not expected to do this. Language analysis of women v men in the workplace is interesting. Women tend to be extra flowery, use 'just' a lot (could you just...), apologising for asking people to do their job, adding extra emojis and exclamation marks. Anything to come across as friendly.

Amusingly I share an email inbox with a gay man, we analyse our emails before sending to see whether we need to make them sound more like a straight man 😁

After a couple of times chasing me for 'not coming up with the goods' and in depth phone calls they have got more direct in their emails.

It is very ableist and 'read between the lines' to decipher what people want.

I often had to read their email back to them. They said 'when I have a moment'. There is 3 hours work that won't take just a moment.

I hate warmest regards.

Even worse just warmly.

Warmly
Bloggins

Nope.

And that’s how you end up with people using myself when me is correct, and misusing words. Then they just come across as stupid but wanting to impress.

Why are you apologising for doing your job and expecting others to do theirs?

Thats a very female thing to do, to lob in an apology when you haven’t done anything wrong.

You can acknowledge without apologising.

The famous shit sandwich!

OP that does sound like sexist bollocks. How dare a lowly woman appear efficient and confident in emails? Bet the men aren’t told to make theirs more flowery. What a dreadful word, it should have no place in an office.

I think your approach sounds good, OP. I am constantly trying to get my team to use less fluff, particularly of the "just wanted to ask...no trouble if not..." variety.

Your writing on this thread is clear and perfectly polite, so I imagine it is at work as well. Maybe ask your manager for her input to get another perspective.

I wonder if this crap would be told to a male colleague

Actually - I don't wonder at all. Of course it wouldn't. Misogyny is everywhere

@Mxflamingnoravera - yup academia is a whole level to itself. Academics are like herding cats....

I can't see how you can conclude it has anything to do with gender. It sounds as if people have noted that you are a little , um, shall we say tactless? Or perhaps you don't see how your message will be received before you hit send. I would try and take it on board. Sorry OP. Worse things happen at sea . ( See how I do it?)

As you are all senior, if your tone comes across as authorotive, it might be wind some people up. The atmosphere you create and the impression you give is important when you work in a team. You say theirs aren't flowery either, but are theirs generally more friendly/softer than yours?

I actually think it’s important to stand up for workers rights and inclusivity in the workplace.

Would feedbacks to an email from a male colleague require them to be ‘soft’ and ‘flowery’?!

It might just be someone who doesn’t give much thought to their use of language (ironically) but to be on the safe side I would keep a record of what they said in case a pattern forms.

@Ankhmo - poetry in motion!

I'd love to receive (one or two) emails like that a week - would be much better than the usual!

Same… I only ever use ‘Regards’ or ‘Thanks and regards’. I know some people see ‘regards’ as peak pass-agg, but to me, the kind part is built in. I wouldn’t ask someone in real life to pass on my kind regards, I’d say ‘give them my regards’, so why use kind in email? It feels old fashioned and slightly fake. Similarly, I hate the use of ‘sincere apology’. If it’s an apology, and the overall tone is right, the sincerity will be built in. Stop with the performative apologising, keep it simple.

I have had all the extremes over the years. I had a team leader who used to literally email "huh" sometimes. Not even "can you give a bit more info".

I work with someone now who is so flowery I would swear their emails were AI.

Hi OP, personally I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the examples you gave. It may be a personality thing or the general office culture? Perhaps you come off a bit abrupt in person and the emails are seen as an extension of this. Not saying you aren’t lovely irl(!) but body language and in person or digital interactions effect how we are seen by others.

I had a colleague once who was great and got on well, but she was a very rushed person, always dashing about and got through her paperwork very quickly. Her comms came across in the same way! Some broke off mid sentence which was quite funny (I do miss ya Em 😊). Sometimes I think the way we write is like a little slice of who we are.

Maybe it would help to copy paste some commonly used stock pleasantries into a doc, so you don’t have to waste time and write them from scratch each time. Just pop one in at the beginning and sign off.

Sounds like a pain tb picked up on this though, if that’s all they have to complain about you must be doing a great job.

Because it’s respectful, boundaried, and reflects the reality of human life rather than pressing a button on a robot. And people I work with work better when they have a sense of ownership.

Are you my team member?

No, I’m not and I did say your first was a little abrupt.
I wouldn’t work better or worse for either of those styles, but I would prefer direct and clear over waffle any day of the week. Too much waffle and it goes to the bottom of my to-do list (but will always be done when needed).

Anyway, the poll results clearly show a preference so maybe line managers should take note.

Also - I once had a colleague (not British, from a more direct culture as already mentioned) who didn’t pass her probation in part due to her abrupt email manner. Her line manager was shocked when I told her of an incident early one day in the office when few were in where this employee had responded very thoughtfully and kindly to a stressful situation someone was in. Too late by then.