To think that being told to make my work emails more “flowery” is ridiculous?

[BoldBrickDreamer]

I was recently given feedback that my work emails should be more “flowery” and “softer.” Apparently, I come across as too direct, even though I’m always polite and professional.

I don’t see the issue - why should I have to add unnecessary fluff just to get my point across? Surely being clear and to the point is more efficient?

AIBU to think this is just another way of policing how people (especially women) communicate in the workplace? Or is there actually value in making emails sound a bit more “gentle?”

We agreed the notes would be completed by x date but if that becomes difficult please do say, as soon as you can

This would irritate me so much. I've agreed to a deadline and will meet it. Ugh.

I personally would take this as a sign you are not in keeping with the company management style and your email tone needs to be improved!

It is perfectly possibly to give clear instructions and deadlines but sound polite and considerate.

In my workplace there has been a huge shift to improve this aspect as it was continually coming up in staff surveys as a reason for dissatisfaction and people leaving.

I always try to add a human element and do not see this as flowery. I see communication as a key talent - people work for people. If you continually get people’s backs up because you feel you can’t be bothered to be flowery you really will win no friends above or below you.

It is really not a case that only women get asked to soften things down. We had a male colleague who constantly was abrupt in emails and caused unnecessary upset. He was an abrupt person and really couldn’t see it. He was constantly asked to improve. We also have women like this. They are asked to improve. It isn’t a gender issue - it’s a communication issue.

Any chance you could be autistic, OP? (I am) Do people sometimes tell you that you are blunt or very good at finding the nub of the argument?

In work emails, neurotypical people will add lots of filler words and phrases such as "it's just my opinion, but.." an autistic person is more likely to go straight to the point

Your example email sounded polite and concise.

I’m laughing at how much discussion this has generated!

if it was up to me, I wouldn’t even put “Dear/Hi xxx” or anything with my name at the bottom because in an email, it’s bloody obvious who it’s to and from … that’s what the To and Cc/Bcc fields are for! Writing it in the body is just a hangover from written letters.
But of course I don’t because I recognise others wouldn’t like it. But I still see it as a total waste of time and effort and it costs me a lot of emotional energy to have to add in even that kind of thing. So we are all different and it’s worth remembering that there are quite a few of us like me. We matter just as much as the overly flowery and polite tribe. I’m at work to work not to waste time chatting - not to mention that I have a very heavy workload and an expensive and scarce skill set.

Have this to and always goes to the bottom of my to do list!

I do say “Good morning/hi,” but I don’t always add things like “ Hope you had a good weekend.” If I have an ongoing rapport with someone, I might, but I don’t see why it should be a blanket rule for every email.

I get that some people prefer a warmer tone, but I’d rather focus on being clear and efficient. If the expectation is that I always include those niceties then fair enough but it still feels unnecessary to me.

Oh and my male manager was also told be be 'nicer' in his e mails as he used to forward a request he had received and used to just add "do this". I think a few people complained as now we get:

"Hi Bloom

I trust this email find you well. Please see email chain below, I would be grateful if you could pick this up.

Kind regards

Boss Man"

I am with you OP. And have never had a problem and think this is the current way of thinking.
However, I would adapt to the organisation. If everyone is emailing in the same way, I would adapt to that.
If they are emails to a client, I would add some niceties too, client relationships do need nurturing.
If it is directly targeted at you, because you are a woman and some man has an issue with you specifically. Then I would be really pissed off and start to document any other sexist crap he comes out with too.

Is it possible that they have all been given the same advice?

That’s quite an assumption! I don’t think being direct automatically equates to being a bully or difficult to work with. I always remain polite and professional, and I’m open to feedback - but I also think there’s a difference between being approachable and being expected to pad out every email with unnecessary fluff.

I get that tone matters, and I’m happy to adapt if needed, but I don’t think preferring clear communication means I “get off on being better than everyone else” or that I’m “terrifying!”

I will say warmth in tone and phrasing is everything especially if your main communication methods are online and not in person. It's hard to say without seeing an example e-mail and I just wanted to say it's worth trying to look back and being honest with yourself as tone can really effect people.

My work is project based with many rounds of feedback and I work often with someone who communication style is terrible. Her blunt phrasing honestly effects my stress levels everyday and really grinds me down.

She will have dictated the entire project down to the final detail but if she wants a change (to something she previously asked for, directly) she will phrase it like this

'This is wrong, should be like this'
'This is weird, you've made it look weird'
'This is in the wrong order'

All of the above will have been completely executed exactly in line with her last request.

She cannot seem to distinguish every time difference between asking pleasantly for a change to something that she previously asked for (we only have to reference the last e-mail she sent) and phrasing it like we've just totally fucked up and not understood anything.

She is one who believes she is 'direct' and a 'straight shooter' but she just comes off as really bad at her job and she can't seem to communicate anything appropriately.

That 'direct' tone - it really gets to you down day in and day out with someone speaking to you rudely and bluntly. It doesn't take that much extra effort to phrase things a little more warmly.

This is the difference.....

'Hmmm that's not quite what I envisioned - here are a few suggested amends of things we can try out so see if that makes it feel better'

'I'm not sure that design is really working for me - can I make some changes to the brief?'

'I've changed my mind about the order - can we swap a few things around and try them in different places?'

I did a training course years ago on communication styles. Some people like brisk and to the point, some people like all the personal connection stuff. The trick is to know who likes what and tailor accordingly. My guess is your boss likes all the fluffy crap, so send it to them. Some people though it just pisses them off so I wouldn't bother.

I can't be arsed wading through a load of pleasantries and questions about my weekend when you just want to let me know a quick change.

And yet, even though conversations about tone are among the most difficult, someone has seen it as a necessary conversation to have with you. Which very clearly means you have stepped from polite/professional into scary/bully.

Your reaction has been to dismiss it and blame them.

People can validly infer a lot from that.

I don't react well to email that are very brusque or just a list of instructions.

However I have a colleague who always starts with ' I hope you are well' or by asking about my weekend. I don't like that either, mainly because I have cancer, she knows I have cancer, I don't lie if I can help it so I either have to ignore her pleasantries or tell her the truth. 'Hi colleague, no I'm not well, I had a terrible weekend on the toilet mainly and am still in a lot of pain. I hope your weekend was better than mine'. It doesn't go down well!

I think (hope) 'flowery' was just a bad turn of phrase. I don't think it's necessary for you to be other than professional in your interactions, so no need for personal questions (hope you had a nice weekend etc.) , but you might consider looking at your emails before you send them out to try to see how the recipient might read them.

'Could you do:
A....
B....
C....
before Friday please. Tell me if you're not going to get them done in time.'
Is quite terse, although to the point.

'There are a number of things, listed below, which need to be done before Friday please:
A...
B...
C...
If you need any clarification or don't think you're going to be able to get them done by the deadline please let me know as soon as possible and I will get back to you' is a bit longer but, in my opinion, a bit softer. It's about as soft as I go. Mind you, I have also been told I can be a bit brusque.

Yes, ‘flowery’ was actually the word used. And I already say ‘please’ and phrase things politely - I’m not firing off one-word demands! The feedback seemed to be more about making emails ‘softer’ and more padded rather than basic courtesy, which is why I found it frustrating.

However I have a colleague who always starts with ' I hope you are well' or by asking about my weekend. I don't like that either, mainly because I have cancer, she knows I have cancer, I don't lie if I can help it so I either have to ignore her pleasantries or tell her the truth. 'Hi colleague, no I'm not well, I had a terrible weekend on the toilet mainly and am still in a lot of pain. I hope your weekend was better than mine'. It doesn't go down well!

I think bringing up someone's weekend / health / downtime is downright rude, whether or not you know they have cancer. Just stick to work issues, and use polite, businesslike language. I've had really shit weekends, got myself together and shown up for work. My life outside work is none of my colleagues' business, and them bleating about it is completely meaningless. If I want their support or fellow-feeling, I will share selectively. Flowery can be really irritating, even upsetting.

I get that ‘flowery’ can just mean elaborate, but in this context, it felt like it was about making my emails sound softer and more ingratiating rather than just clear and professional. That kind of feedback does tend to be disproportionately given to women, which is why I questioned whether there was a gendered element to it.

It’s really not.

im a senior (female) manager and have had to pull two relatively senior male direct reports up on their blunt (aka rude) style following complaints from senior (male) colleagues about them.

A few years ago I worked with a senior male manager who made a point of reviewing all his own emails for tone before he sent them and modelled this to his entire team. It’s a thing!

I too have been asked to proof read emails written by men (and women) to check tone

I would ask for a specific example of an email that I had sent that was insufficiently floral, along with a draft of how this manager thinks it should have been worded.

I recently had to ask a member of my team (male) to stop making his emails so flowery as I felt he was losing the message in it. For example when he absolutely needed information or documentation by a deadline that was being ignored he would say things like "I am so sorry to pester you for this but I would be so grateful if you could kindly provide me with X when you get a moment".
I told him to be more direct and specific. I always review my emails for tone but am generally more direct.

I have read all your updates, @BoldBrickDreamer, and I think the examples you have given of your 'tone' in emails seems perfectly fine.

I have to say, my first thought, on reading your OP, was 'I bet the men aren't getting told to be more 'flowery' in emails!' I think asking for examples of the emails that need more 'softness', and how to do this is good - though I would be tempted to model my emails on those of male colleagues, and then, if criticised again, ask if Bob, Malcolm and Herbert were getting the same critiques! But I realise this is a bit passive aggressive and probably not work-place appropriate.

Ugh.

I owe it to people not to take up their mental energy for any longer than is absolutely necessary.

They get a useful subject (with reply requested/info only, etc on it) and what I need is put into the first the lines so it shows up at a glance on preview.

I'll use bullet points and colours to make it quick to read and I get to the point.

I'll say please and thank you and make it clear when I need something by - 'ideally, I need this by the 5th but if that's not realistic, let me know and I'll sort something out', for example.

External emails are different to internal - because they know I'm using my 'this is how I speak/I don't intentionally waste your time' voice. Even so, unless it's an emotionally fraught thing where it really doesn't kill to be a bit softer, the most they're getting is a good morning and kind regards in the signature template.

Have you noticed the irony?

You “felt like”…. when someone used a certain word and you reacted to its meaning.

That is what other people are “feeling like” reading your emails. You think you are being professional and succinct - but you are not the recipient.

13 pages in and you will not for a moment consider the feedback. It’s possible this is about gender and this person should have described what they mean without use of the word ‘flowery’. It’s also possible you need to listen up, but all I read is it’s about “you” and “I” do x,y and z.

More flowery?
Some people do like more waffley guff in emails than others but being flowery and soft sounds very much like female social conditioning.