Due to give birth tomorrow and dp has said ...

[Onedayaway]

That he has no money!

To not drip feed, dp started up his own business beginning of this year. I don't want to talk bad about him but I expressed my concerns on leaving a stable job to pursue independent work (with no savings to back him) when he knew I was pregnant. Of course I was called unsupportive and pessimistic for saying this and after a lot of arguments I realised he was never going to see reason.

Lone behold dp left his job and started up his own. It was okay for a short while but very quickly the work dried up with not enough reliable cliental to see him through the winter. This meant us solely surviving off my money (I worked part time and earned very little). This put me in financial predicaments but I felt like I couldn't complain because dp was already feeling stressed and like a "failure" for the lack of work.

Now coming up to the due date dp took on a massive job. It was meant to cover his paternity leave as we knew I was going to have an ELC and with an already small DC it would need all hands on deck for the first couple of weeks. It was all looking great, until it wasn't. He started falling behind on this job, issues arise, money goes scarce. Now he is in a situation where he genuinely can not afford to finish the job (think labour based) as he needs more materials/tools. The client doesn't know this and is wondering why the job isnt getting done.

I keep asking dp, who is being very overtly down and sensitive about this all, what is going on. When it came to talking figures on how much he needed to finish the job it went from oh a couple hundred, to when I finally pinned him to down to work out the numbers rather than guess, much over a grand! As a saving grace dp managed to secure another job in the meantime which was meant to save us and fill his pockets to complete this job, however now he has just told me that actually most of this money is going towards outstanding invoices/loans he has, meaning effectively the money is out before it comes in!

This basically means he won't have any money, I get very little which I've nearly used up to cover our living expenses and bills, and my head is swimming. I'm meant to be giving birth tomorrow and I don't even know what to do. It's bad enough with the nerves/anxiety having to get my head around the ELC but now adding this to the picture I'm struggling to not have a full blown panic attack. Dp has gone into feeling sorry for himself mode, so there will be no talking to him there and if I do I must tread lightly otherwise I risk him shutting down completely.

He plans to try and finish off the job throughout the next month, once he communicates to the client about the financial delay and hopes that the client can cover the cost. In the meantime this means I'll be home alone, after major op, with two under 5. I have support for the first week from my dparents and then that's it. Dp knew this and I kept stressing to him that if his work was to go over time to try and only have it extend for another week. Every time I spoke to him it was a "yes I'm nearly finished" "not long now" "I've just got to x y z" and yet here we are.

What do I do?! I feel like having a breakdown!!!!!

His ego strikes again. Again he makes a unilateral decision that impacts you. He would prefer you to default on your payments that admit that he's fucked up. He would prefer to fuck you over than look bad to someone else. Technically, its not stealing if it's a joint account be ause once it goes in there he has equal right to it. Ithink you'd be better to have all your money go into an account that he can't access because he's clearly not trust worthy.

Im guessing by now you have had the surgery and are holding your new child. If not, I wanted to tell you that the one wonderful thing about a scheduled C-section was how calm everything was. The nurses were so supportive and not distracted at all. It was unlike any other surgery I have had. The whole thing felt like they had built a little bubble of protection around me from start to finish.

He needs to charge more, otherwise there's no point. My brother is like this, no money sense and charges to little.

Small businesses fail a lot of the time due to poor cash flow. He needs to ask his client for a staged payment to finish the job. If they won't give him the payment then he needs them to order the materials to finish the job and then it's his labour that's outstanding.

His immature sulking is his paralysis because he doesn't know how to get out of the situation and if his parents have always sided with him then he's not learned skills to cope.

Unfortunately you'll end up bailing him out all his life until he manages to acknowledge his failings and does something about it. Take care.

This is honestly disgraceful. The least he could offer you now after putting you under so much stress at such a critical time is his honesty and respect, and he’s lied to you and treated you and your unborn child like an afterthought compared to what sounds like a pretty shit business and his pride. I only hope that today has gone as well as it can and that when you’ve safely brought your little one in the world and are feeling less vulnerable you can take action to either demand better from him or cut him out.

I’m wondering if it’s gambling.

My ex developed a gambling habit and it was awful. I had to leave in the end as with a young baby, it was no way to live.

As hard as you think it might be to leave, at the moment, you are with a man who has thrown you and your kids under the bus. Kick him out. Sign on for Universal credit (six week wait but you can get a bridging loan from them) to get some income. Do not make him a consideration anymore- he doesn’t think about you.

This is financial abuse. He will drag you down too.

So sorry for what you've been through.

It was the promise of more money soon that made me think of Gambling with no obvious method of earning it.

He's literally stealing from you now.

I think you need to plan to end the marriage, personally.

I agree 100% - I cannot believe the selfishness & stupidity of this man-child. He ignored your advice, which was so obvious you shouldn’t even have needed to give it on the first place & he’s put you in this intolerable position, and the stress is bad for you & the baby. Can you go & stay with your parents? I’m so sorry for you both

Respond yes I know, however good intentions do not pay the bills!!

I hope the baby is here and you're focused on that. Afterwards, you'll need a plan to extricate yourself from being financially tied to your husband.

Absolutely agree !!

hope you don’t mind my asking this but, Are you a little afraid of him?

Hope everything goes well for the birth of your lovely new baby. I hope you can just get to enjoy this special time and block out his noise.

I was also thinking gambling given your previous posts and especially your update op. It makes people completely selfish like any addiction.

I think right now I'd be putting yourself first. I'd think about what you need right now to get yourself through the birth of your child. My section was a wonderful experience. It's nerve wracking but the staff were really supportive and things like bringing a phone playing some music in helped me to relax if that's an option for you? Put everything else to the side right this minute - there is nothing else you need to do today other than focus on your baby everything else can wait. If you don't want him there then that's your call and noone else's. You do what's right for you to reduce your stress levels.

@Onedayaway And he may be correct to say that it takes time to build a business, and he may earn way more in the long run. But logic and common sense says, maybe not best to do it just as you are having a baby. And if that is your long term plan, then he should have spent time putting savings away to rely on while waiting for the business to take off and to have something to rely on, when work is slow and to have money in the bank to buy the materials. Worst way to start a new business, or go self employed. He has completely cooked this up. You definitely don't need this stress. Lots of people start a business on the side and work a real job while the business is been built.

OP, what a nightmare. You sound like you have been more than tolerant.
You need to concentrate on giving birth and bonding with your baby now. Be aware that a lot of the anxiety you are feeling will be the natural anxiety around the birth. I hope it has all gone well.
You will get through this. Please speak to your midwife, health visitor and GP about your predicament. Explain that there is no money for essentials. No one is going to let a new mother and baby go hungry. They will refer you to a food bank where you can get nappies for the baby, wipes, toiletries etc. Please use this. It’s exactly what it is for. Ask for help in applying for all benefits-child benefit, universal credit etc - you are entitled to. Your local authority may have discretionary grants you can apply for.
DO NOT give any more money to your husband. He is not to be trusted. I run a business and I know his business is going to go bust. And soon. You will be throwing good money after bad. Remind him it is illegal to trade if the business is not solvent. He will have creditors. Do everything you can to separate yourself from debts he will have. Give him nothing. If your parents help you financially make sure any money goes into an account only you can access.
Pay essential bills only. Use any money for you and your children. He is able to provide for himself and should be providing for his family. You are stronger than you imagine and you will get through this.
it’s up to you what you do about your husband but I would not be discussing any private financial matters with his parents. Absolutely refuse to engage if they start up a conversation about it.
You are going to have to be self-sufficient going forward. It’s not fair. It shouldn’t be happening but you have to think about your children first. Good luck OP.

Oh and run a credit check to see the extent of the problem.

You mentioned his parents being difficult.
Don't let them put you into a situation where its 3 against one again when/if his parents come to see the baby.
See if you can get a friend or your Dad to be there too - don't let them come to the hospital - that's where you should be able to recover at bit, not deal with difficult people.
I wishing you and your DM a speedy recovery. You will be able to turn this around. Ask for help as pps have suggested.

You need to put yourself and your baby first, don’t let anyone cause you unnecessary stress which is detrimental to you right now 😇 this is the time for him to step up and take responsibility and if he’s not doing that and his family are not helping you or the situation that he has caused then bye bye
end of day you will be fine you are going to have the blessing of giving birth to a new life and you will be rewarded for your sacrifice strength and unnoticed kindness and support when your children are older maybe it’s a long way off but sister I promise you that you will be fine and you will be loved and cared for always by your children’s love their smiles and bond they will always have with you and that’s what will make you stronger and more successful than you know xxxx

His decision making is so poor, I can't see this working long term.

There is a reason only some people are temperamentally suited to starting, running and making a success of their own business or we would all be doing it.

You mentioned upthread that he has a 'talent' for obfuscating and not answering a direct question and etc. OP. This alone is evidence that he is not 'straight' enough to make a success of a business. He's too 'wide' to ever make it work. It would always be a tax bill or a broken down piece of machinery or illness that sets him back.

You can't make a life with a person like this. You are too low on his list of priorities.

How did your C-section go @Onedayaway ? I've been thinking of you and I hope that the birth was as stress free as possible.

Just wondering if anyone was around for an update

Definitely

Yes, OP. How are you and new DC? Hope you are both doing really well. How has it been going with DP?

How are you doing @Onedayaway ? We are here when you are ready to update ❤