Due to give birth tomorrow and dp has said ...

[Onedayaway]

That he has no money!

To not drip feed, dp started up his own business beginning of this year. I don't want to talk bad about him but I expressed my concerns on leaving a stable job to pursue independent work (with no savings to back him) when he knew I was pregnant. Of course I was called unsupportive and pessimistic for saying this and after a lot of arguments I realised he was never going to see reason.

Lone behold dp left his job and started up his own. It was okay for a short while but very quickly the work dried up with not enough reliable cliental to see him through the winter. This meant us solely surviving off my money (I worked part time and earned very little). This put me in financial predicaments but I felt like I couldn't complain because dp was already feeling stressed and like a "failure" for the lack of work.

Now coming up to the due date dp took on a massive job. It was meant to cover his paternity leave as we knew I was going to have an ELC and with an already small DC it would need all hands on deck for the first couple of weeks. It was all looking great, until it wasn't. He started falling behind on this job, issues arise, money goes scarce. Now he is in a situation where he genuinely can not afford to finish the job (think labour based) as he needs more materials/tools. The client doesn't know this and is wondering why the job isnt getting done.

I keep asking dp, who is being very overtly down and sensitive about this all, what is going on. When it came to talking figures on how much he needed to finish the job it went from oh a couple hundred, to when I finally pinned him to down to work out the numbers rather than guess, much over a grand! As a saving grace dp managed to secure another job in the meantime which was meant to save us and fill his pockets to complete this job, however now he has just told me that actually most of this money is going towards outstanding invoices/loans he has, meaning effectively the money is out before it comes in!

This basically means he won't have any money, I get very little which I've nearly used up to cover our living expenses and bills, and my head is swimming. I'm meant to be giving birth tomorrow and I don't even know what to do. It's bad enough with the nerves/anxiety having to get my head around the ELC but now adding this to the picture I'm struggling to not have a full blown panic attack. Dp has gone into feeling sorry for himself mode, so there will be no talking to him there and if I do I must tread lightly otherwise I risk him shutting down completely.

He plans to try and finish off the job throughout the next month, once he communicates to the client about the financial delay and hopes that the client can cover the cost. In the meantime this means I'll be home alone, after major op, with two under 5. I have support for the first week from my dparents and then that's it. Dp knew this and I kept stressing to him that if his work was to go over time to try and only have it extend for another week. Every time I spoke to him it was a "yes I'm nearly finished" "not long now" "I've just got to x y z" and yet here we are.

What do I do?! I feel like having a breakdown!!!!!

Congratulations on your new baby.
I could cry reading your update, it’s so unfair leaving you to struggle like this.
Please talk to your HV or midwife, at least get access to a food bank, I know the one in my nearby town delivers.
If either SIL treated my DDs like this they’d be under the frigging patio.

So your partner has left his steady job to work for himself.
You are short of money to feed yourself and pay bills when you are due to have a CS.
Partner borrows money from his parents to keep the family ticking over and then spends it on his job.
You borrow money from your parents and he dips into that too for his job. Job still not completed.
He's also taken a loan out and spent that on this job yet its still not finished.
You've then go on to lend him money which he's spent on the job.
And finally he's used your universal credit advance payment to spend more on this job?

OP, How much has he spent on getting this job done now? Surely all of that comes to more than £1k? Have you seen how much he needs to finish the job? It feels like he's spent much more than £1k on this. He appears to be siphoning every penny he can get hold of onto this job and now you're contemplating going to a food bank to survive!!
Are you married?
Whose name is your house in?
Is he managing to pay any bills or buy any food?

He should be ashamed of himself. What a selfish selfish man. Once you are more yourself have a think about how he deprioritised your needs when you really needed him.

Also I really echo asking for a food bank referral. And there are often organisations such as church’s that do baby banks for those in need (clothes, baby supplies etc)

the thing is she IS in a strong position. If he leaves she makes her own UC claim, and the money isnt going to going straight out again. She is already doing everything at home without him, so that isnt going to change but the money/security will change massively and that will help her so much. His debts and bills are his problem to sort then, not hers.

She hasn’t said she is without the support of her parents. They have lent them money, that is supportive, her mum was supposed to come and stay a week, but got ill and was in hospital. So they are supportive, but only so much they can do

Get rid of this cretin as soon as possible. He's let you and your children down massively.

Congratulations on your new baby.
Sorry you've had such a tough time re ops etc and that you are currently going through such a struggle.
I didn't want to read and run, although I cannot think of more practical advice other than to transfer all the loans/credit etc to an account that he cannot touch so that yiou can pay the bills before he spends it, particularly if its a loan from your family.

It sounds like he needs to go back to the client and say how the job was under quoted and they need to put more funds in to finish it. He can't subsidise his client at the expense of feeding his children?

Another thought, Is it possible to contact a debt counsellor who might help you apply for temporary easement of loans etc...

Other than that, I think at the moment, difficult as it is, you need to take this one step, one day at a time, as you seem to be doing. You will heal, your baby will thrive and become less velcro and you will be in a position to make some changes in how things are done for the future. Get support wherever you can. Talk to health viz, friends and family, it won't always be this hard, although it may feel like it at times.
Wishing you all the very very best.

OP, I’ve just read your latest post. Congrats on your baby.

PLEASE reach out to a friend, neighbour or someone else. People are more willing to help than you think when a new baby is on the scene.

Please use healthy start:
https://www.healthystart.nhs.uk/how-to-apply/

Also look up your local mother and baby donation centres and local food bank - there’s no shame in it. It’s temporary help. They will give you supplies, pads, nappies, milk if you need it and food for the family. They will deliver discretely - if you let me know your general area you can PM me and ill give you local links and numbers.

You deserve better than this. You’re doing your best. Reach out for that help.

Definitely worth checking, a lot of water companies have recently put even more into support for those struggling with low income. Local Citizens Advice would be a good shout

Why are you wasting your Time with this waste of time!!!

Yes, I have not looked at the problems from this angle, I see your point.

I think people have shared re food banks. Community shops (cheaper). Olio you can get free food. Tesco are now giving yellow stickers good free after 9.30.in some locations.

And the baby bank - for mums in need. My local one offers, pads. Milk. Equipment. Furniture etc. Do you have one local? Or a homestart?

Uc will issue food bank vouchers. Make the selfish swine apply.

I have just read your update, I’m sorry to hear it’s been so tough. You sound like you’re doing a great job in a really hard situation.
Please see the following link for a list of baby banks in the uk. There may be one near you. They can usually help with nappies, toiletries, baby clothes and equipment. It might just help ease the financial pressure a little bit
babybankalliance.org/baby-bank-map/

Yup he took a risk and screwed the pooch. It will be grim grim girm, but it will pass even if it is rough for a year.

Have the baby and tough it out for 6 months. Then review and see what your options are.

Oh OP. Breathe deep. In time you’ll have the mental and physical resources to leave this idiot. For now please contact healthy start and let your HV know what the reality is. You have nothing to be ashamed of so you need to harness your anger to work for you. Foodbanks. Friends. People can rally around you even if it’s just to make you a cup of tea. I feel for you as I was in a similar situation many years ago. This too shall pass. Congratulations on your wee baby. X

The problem you are having, OP, is a now and then problem: now you are suffering because your idiot partner is selfish, incompetent, improvident, impulsive, and ill natured. Your “then” problem is that he always will be this incompetent and his incompetence, like his debts, will compound and compound. He is robbing Peter to pay Paul. He uses money from a client to pay older debts, then frantically borrows from your relatives to stay afloat. Even if he ever finishes this big job and he gets psid for it he will never dig himself out of the hole financially. He will never pay you back for the wear and tear this has cost you. And I doubt if he will ever pay back the family loans. Because he seems completely unable to grasp how money is earned, saved, or invested. He lurches from one crisis to another as though he has no idea (and perhaps he doesn’t) that you and the babies need to eat, have housing, buy pads and diapers every day—why are you having to subsidize him?

Please tell HV, GP or anyone else how unsupported you are while trying to recover. They may be able to suggest or find help to see you through each day. You should not be pushing yourself physically. Can you tell DP to take a day off to help you? Just a start, to give you a break and chance to rest. Wish there was something I could do. It breaks my heart that you are going through this.

He needs to get some proper debt advice from one of the major debt charities.

I feel for you...

Oh OP, that’s a terrible situation to be in. Don’t attempt to do anything other than absolute essentials. Your DP should be pre-prepping healthy meals and snacks for you and your toddler, and doing housework, in the evenings.

Post-partum, even in a standard natural birth, women should be taken care of for about 6 weeks. Historically, referred to as ‘lying-in’. At a time like this, family and friends should rally around. Is there anyone who can come to stay with you for a few days, perhaps if they can take one or two days leave either side of a weekend, so they’re with you for 4 days in total. Or come to look after your toddler for a couple of hours, so you can lie in bed with the baby and rest.

If you’re getting pain, talk to your GP or midwife.

Just focus on getting through each day, both physically and financially. Don’t spare your DP’s feelings and put your needs second. He needs to step up, given he caused this mess by taking a risk at such an important time. What was he thinking of giving up a secure job! And without your agreement!

Most women don’t give birth many times in their life. It’s the one time you must be selfish and put yourself (and of course the baby) first.

Sending strength.

OP I don’t think you’ve expressly answered this question but could you go and stay with your parents or a sibling?

you can’t go in like this. The man is stealing money from you and refuses to explain where the money is going.
What he is saying simply doesn’t add up.

Congratulations on the baby.

have you looked at both your credit reports to see if there’s any other surprises?

What @Wakemeupbe4yougogo said, with bells on.
OP, I really feel for you, as, well in advance, you told your DP your concerns re his self employment, and he has ploughed on regardless, as if you haven't said anything at all.
Bless your parents for helping for a few days, do they know your DP is like this? If not, I would tell them everything you have had to put up with, and see if they can help you further. It sounds like you would cope better as a single parent.

I’ve just read some of the great advice about baby banks etc.

Don’t feel embarrassed or ashamed to ask anyone and everyone for help. You have nothing to be ashamed of. The DC’s father has very badly let you down.

Do let us all how you’re feeling if it helps. Mumsnet should be for mothers to support other mothers 💐

I would seriously consider what you want your life to look like going forwards. I’ve been there with an exceptionally hard working exh who left a week paid job to set up his own business. He spent years trying to make it work, he was out the house from early til late sometimes 7 days a week with absolutely nothing to show for it.

Any money coming in immediately needed to go towards materials, fuel etc so I got no contribution to bills. I issued an ultimatum and he ended up getting a steady job but the damage was already done. Some people no matter how hard working can just not make their own business work whether it’s underpricing, not keeping records and charging for extras, being over optimistic how quickly they can complete a job, even just being a soft touch. Be really honest…. If he can’t explain where the moneys gone (if he even knows) how is he going to improve and get to a point where it’s profitable