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Original poster

Due to give birth tomorrow and dp has said ...

317 replies

Onedayaway · 02/03/2025 19:50

That he has no money!

To not drip feed, dp started up his own business beginning of this year. I don't want to talk bad about him but I expressed my concerns on leaving a stable job to pursue independent work (with no savings to back him) when he knew I was pregnant. Of course I was called unsupportive and pessimistic for saying this and after a lot of arguments I realised he was never going to see reason.

Lone behold dp left his job and started up his own. It was okay for a short while but very quickly the work dried up with not enough reliable cliental to see him through the winter. This meant us solely surviving off my money (I worked part time and earned very little). This put me in financial predicaments but I felt like I couldn't complain because dp was already feeling stressed and like a "failure" for the lack of work.

Now coming up to the due date dp took on a massive job. It was meant to cover his paternity leave as we knew I was going to have an ELC and with an already small DC it would need all hands on deck for the first couple of weeks. It was all looking great, until it wasn't. He started falling behind on this job, issues arise, money goes scarce. Now he is in a situation where he genuinely can not afford to finish the job (think labour based) as he needs more materials/tools. The client doesn't know this and is wondering why the job isnt getting done.

I keep asking dp, who is being very overtly down and sensitive about this all, what is going on. When it came to talking figures on how much he needed to finish the job it went from oh a couple hundred, to when I finally pinned him to down to work out the numbers rather than guess, much over a grand! As a saving grace dp managed to secure another job in the meantime which was meant to save us and fill his pockets to complete this job, however now he has just told me that actually most of this money is going towards outstanding invoices/loans he has, meaning effectively the money is out before it comes in!

This basically means he won't have any money, I get very little which I've nearly used up to cover our living expenses and bills, and my head is swimming. I'm meant to be giving birth tomorrow and I don't even know what to do. It's bad enough with the nerves/anxiety having to get my head around the ELC but now adding this to the picture I'm struggling to not have a full blown panic attack. Dp has gone into feeling sorry for himself mode, so there will be no talking to him there and if I do I must tread lightly otherwise I risk him shutting down completely.

He plans to try and finish off the job throughout the next month, once he communicates to the client about the financial delay and hopes that the client can cover the cost. In the meantime this means I'll be home alone, after major op, with two under 5. I have support for the first week from my dparents and then that's it. Dp knew this and I kept stressing to him that if his work was to go over time to try and only have it extend for another week. Every time I spoke to him it was a "yes I'm nearly finished" "not long now" "I've just got to x y z" and yet here we are.

What do I do?! I feel like having a breakdown!!!!!

OP posts:
J3001 · 13/04/2025 18:47

Hope your ok

DearBee · 13/04/2025 18:53

I am late to this thread but sounds really tough, OP. How are you and your littlest one doing?

ReadingSoManyThreads · 13/04/2025 18:54

Still here, hope you're ok?

Stickortwigs · 13/04/2025 18:55

Really hope things are better for you OP and that baby is doing well.

JaneBoulton · 13/04/2025 18:55

What a pathetic excuse of a man. His sole job was to provide for his family, his heavily pregnant wife, and he has lied, concealed money problems and is now in a strop himself. What a fine strapping bloke!

it'd be the end of the road for me I'm afraid. Maybe not straight away, but after I've healed and everything has calmed. I'd start quietly getting your ducks in a row.

Original poster
Onedayaway · 13/04/2025 19:03

Hi everyone, thanks for checking back with me. The messages are really appreciated, now so more than ever.

DC was born healthy and happy. I couldn't of asked for a better experience really so I am not complaining in that sense. However myself, I've been struggling. It turns out I needed extra work doing to correct from my previous emc. They basically ended up re organising my whole abdomen! The first week back was fine, but then the money ran out. And it ran out fast. My worries of the first few previous weeks of DC being born being overshadowed by our financial state came true. It's been horrendously depressing stressing over money whilst trying to recover and also feeling like I can't provide for my new DC.

Dp ended up taking the loan to finish his job. So off to work he went. Leaving me alone 2nd week in of recovering. I then got hit with an infection which landed me back in bed. The whole experience was torturous. Since then dp has been working and I've been using all my money to get us by. My money lasts all of a week or so and then dwindles to nothing which leaves me in the minus for pending payments. We are now awaiting dp to be paid whilst mean while struggling to fill the gap financially for whenever that may be.

To give credit where it's due, dp has been working like crazy to get this job done so we have money. But new DC is such a velcro baby. DC is not happy to be put down for one second and due to my c section I cant wear a sling. It's made getting anything done impossible. First DC was nothing like this so it's been a massive shock to my system. New DC practically lives off me. Taking a shower or eating has become a luxury. I'm finding so incredibly hard, my body feels like it needs more time to recover and I feel like I'm doing too much too soon. But what can be done? Because of our situation dp couldn't afford to take the needed paternity leave, meaning he had to go back prematurely. As a consequence I've had to push myself to do things when I don't feel ready and as a result I've got really bad pains and still feel like I'm week 2 of recovery.

I'm just really begrudging this whole situation and feeling so upset that yet again, this experience hasn't been what I expected.

I'm sleep deprived, in pain, Ill feeling and just completely burnt out/over stimulated.

Dp saw me today and asked what wrong. He just doesn't have a clue what it's like to be cut in half, do all the night wakes, look after a screaming clingy newborn and toddler, and then have to scrape money together so he doesn't have to worry and can go about his day only having to be concerned about his job.

I'm beyond down and out.

OP posts:
Drummergirl1971 · 13/04/2025 19:13

Onedayaway · 13/04/2025 19:03

Hi everyone, thanks for checking back with me. The messages are really appreciated, now so more than ever.

DC was born healthy and happy. I couldn't of asked for a better experience really so I am not complaining in that sense. However myself, I've been struggling. It turns out I needed extra work doing to correct from my previous emc. They basically ended up re organising my whole abdomen! The first week back was fine, but then the money ran out. And it ran out fast. My worries of the first few previous weeks of DC being born being overshadowed by our financial state came true. It's been horrendously depressing stressing over money whilst trying to recover and also feeling like I can't provide for my new DC.

Dp ended up taking the loan to finish his job. So off to work he went. Leaving me alone 2nd week in of recovering. I then got hit with an infection which landed me back in bed. The whole experience was torturous. Since then dp has been working and I've been using all my money to get us by. My money lasts all of a week or so and then dwindles to nothing which leaves me in the minus for pending payments. We are now awaiting dp to be paid whilst mean while struggling to fill the gap financially for whenever that may be.

To give credit where it's due, dp has been working like crazy to get this job done so we have money. But new DC is such a velcro baby. DC is not happy to be put down for one second and due to my c section I cant wear a sling. It's made getting anything done impossible. First DC was nothing like this so it's been a massive shock to my system. New DC practically lives off me. Taking a shower or eating has become a luxury. I'm finding so incredibly hard, my body feels like it needs more time to recover and I feel like I'm doing too much too soon. But what can be done? Because of our situation dp couldn't afford to take the needed paternity leave, meaning he had to go back prematurely. As a consequence I've had to push myself to do things when I don't feel ready and as a result I've got really bad pains and still feel like I'm week 2 of recovery.

I'm just really begrudging this whole situation and feeling so upset that yet again, this experience hasn't been what I expected.

I'm sleep deprived, in pain, Ill feeling and just completely burnt out/over stimulated.

Dp saw me today and asked what wrong. He just doesn't have a clue what it's like to be cut in half, do all the night wakes, look after a screaming clingy newborn and toddler, and then have to scrape money together so he doesn't have to worry and can go about his day only having to be concerned about his job.

I'm beyond down and out.

Oh OP! 😢 I could never cope with all you’re having to. Is there any way you could go and stay with your parents for a while & let them look after you? ❤️

cornishatheart · 13/04/2025 19:20

I don't have any solutions to offer but my heart absolutely goes out to you. I really hope that you and your DP find a way through the financial problems and you and your lovely children thrive.

House4DS · 13/04/2025 19:23

@Onedayaway have you checked if you are entitled to universal credit? www.turn2us.org

http://www.turn2us.org

Newmumhere40 · 13/04/2025 19:33

Onedayaway · 02/03/2025 20:08

@sageGreen81 I agree. However he refuses to accept this and his family back him. Don't get me wrong, I know if the job was to take off he would earn more than he could working for someone else. However that is a long while off and in the meantime we are struggling. And again, I feel he is completely out of order and selfish for the timing. His counter arguement to this was that there "is never a right timing" which sure, can be true. But surely when you know you are expecting another child it's just the worst timing possible?! Sometimes talking to dp is head banging because there is just no getting through to him and it does not help that his parents always refuse to acknowledge his mistakes and instead will say things like "but he has good intentions and he is doing this for your family"

What do his parents have to do with any of this?! He is in a relationship with YOU. YOUR opinions matter NOT theirs. This is making my blood boil.

Mumofthreeteenagers · 13/04/2025 19:33

If anew self employed business, you can apply for uc to help. Assuming your income isn't too high.

PyongyangKipperbang · 13/04/2025 19:33

I think I would be giving an ultimatum.....go back to his old job until the debt is paid off and you have decent savings and then, only with your agreement, he can restart his business. If he doesnt agree to that, and more importantly, do it immediately, then your relationship is over.

babyproblems · 13/04/2025 19:34

Sending you a big hug @Onedayaway
your ‘dp’ is a useless wanker honestly you would be better without.
Make sure you tell a friend or family what’s happening and ask for some help? Someone upthread suggested a free doula from Doula UK- I think it’s a good idea, get some support for yourself xxxx

Thalia31 · 13/04/2025 19:35

You seem to accept this behaviour, which means you will have further heartbreak. He has zero accountability for the situation he has chosen to be in. He is selfish and immature. He made a considerable life-changing decision when his partner is pregnant with a young child.

Original poster
Onedayaway · 13/04/2025 19:43

I don't feel like I can turn to family as they were the ones who lent the loan. Everyone is aware of our situation but due to health/financial issues themselves they are stretched as to how much help they can offer. DM was meant to come with me for the first week or so and unfortunately ended up in hospital so it's really hit home. I feel very alone and that I have no one to confide in since I can't share this load with dp as he sulks and stresses. Despite the fact that its meant to be a joint issue I just feel so alone in it.

I couldn't even afford to get myself pads and had to resort to asking someone to get me some. It's enough to drag anyone down.

I did suggest to dp about UC and he did that. He had to apply for the advance loan so we could eat. Again the money went as quickly as it came in. I think some it went towards his debt payments and job materials.

OP posts:
SnakebitesandSambucas · 13/04/2025 19:46

If you give a rough location. You can access food banks, baby banks. Low income means you could get healthy start vouchers for fruit, veg for you and the kids. Im not surprised your in turmoil and depressed. Keep chatting and talking on here. As its so isolating at the best of times let alone with all the other stuff. Your HV or midwife can refer you there's no shame in needing some help. And you can't risk an infection if your pads need changing etc. I think a lot of us would like to hit your DP over the head with a shovel at this point!

SnakebitesandSambucas · 13/04/2025 19:48

Great if you are on UC you can get onto some of the social tarrifs for broadband, telephone. I'm not sure about water depending on where you are. You can get broadband for as little as £20 it's basic but does the job.

Humpsr · 13/04/2025 19:49

OP, he is one of life's selfish losers.
I feel desperately sorry for you.
You are paying dearly for investing your time and energy with such a waster.
He is not trustworthy.
Be very careful.

Hwi · 13/04/2025 19:50

PyongyangKipperbang · 13/04/2025 19:33

I think I would be giving an ultimatum.....go back to his old job until the debt is paid off and you have decent savings and then, only with your agreement, he can restart his business. If he doesnt agree to that, and more importantly, do it immediately, then your relationship is over.

You issue ultimatums when you are in a strong position and able to follow it through - the OP said she is without the support of her parents, has nowhere to go to and has no money at the moment. What ultimatum?

SnakebitesandSambucas · 13/04/2025 19:50

I would also ask to get the log in details and see the amount of UC going in. And get it made maybe to your account. You need to get tighter on finances hard as it is juggling it all.

Thatcat · 13/04/2025 19:50

What a fucking idiot fantasist he is, you poor thing. It’s such a weight being the only grown up facing the music.
He needs to take out a loan, finish those jobs and GET A JOB WITH A REGULAR INCOME ASAP. No more start up or sole contracting. He has kids and bills on the monthly.

Ask whoever is supporting you for a week to stay a little longer.

I’m excited for you meeting your baby. Best of luck to you. Take care, OP.

Wakemeupbe4yougogo · 13/04/2025 19:51

I had a rough second C section OP where they had to remove an awful lot of scar tissue from the 1st and it was a rough recovery. You have my absolute sympathy. I think it was about 8 weeks in before I really felt remotely like myself again afterwards. I'm also sorry your DP is still ploughing along inside his own head.

Waterlilysunset · 13/04/2025 19:55

Definitely food banks. Can you also talk to your health visitor about what you can access?

NoMoreLifts · 13/04/2025 19:58

I don't know how, but UC must go into an account that only you can access for household costs.
He can't spend it on his.work costs, that's not what it's for. (I'd not normally think about that, but in your situation, it might be a useful thimg to say to him re bank account).

Dueanamechange2025 · 13/04/2025 19:59

NoMoreLifts · 13/04/2025 19:58

I don't know how, but UC must go into an account that only you can access for household costs.
He can't spend it on his.work costs, that's not what it's for. (I'd not normally think about that, but in your situation, it might be a useful thimg to say to him re bank account).

Yes to this ^^