Due to give birth tomorrow and dp has said ...

[Onedayaway]

That he has no money!

To not drip feed, dp started up his own business beginning of this year. I don't want to talk bad about him but I expressed my concerns on leaving a stable job to pursue independent work (with no savings to back him) when he knew I was pregnant. Of course I was called unsupportive and pessimistic for saying this and after a lot of arguments I realised he was never going to see reason.

Lone behold dp left his job and started up his own. It was okay for a short while but very quickly the work dried up with not enough reliable cliental to see him through the winter. This meant us solely surviving off my money (I worked part time and earned very little). This put me in financial predicaments but I felt like I couldn't complain because dp was already feeling stressed and like a "failure" for the lack of work.

Now coming up to the due date dp took on a massive job. It was meant to cover his paternity leave as we knew I was going to have an ELC and with an already small DC it would need all hands on deck for the first couple of weeks. It was all looking great, until it wasn't. He started falling behind on this job, issues arise, money goes scarce. Now he is in a situation where he genuinely can not afford to finish the job (think labour based) as he needs more materials/tools. The client doesn't know this and is wondering why the job isnt getting done.

I keep asking dp, who is being very overtly down and sensitive about this all, what is going on. When it came to talking figures on how much he needed to finish the job it went from oh a couple hundred, to when I finally pinned him to down to work out the numbers rather than guess, much over a grand! As a saving grace dp managed to secure another job in the meantime which was meant to save us and fill his pockets to complete this job, however now he has just told me that actually most of this money is going towards outstanding invoices/loans he has, meaning effectively the money is out before it comes in!

This basically means he won't have any money, I get very little which I've nearly used up to cover our living expenses and bills, and my head is swimming. I'm meant to be giving birth tomorrow and I don't even know what to do. It's bad enough with the nerves/anxiety having to get my head around the ELC but now adding this to the picture I'm struggling to not have a full blown panic attack. Dp has gone into feeling sorry for himself mode, so there will be no talking to him there and if I do I must tread lightly otherwise I risk him shutting down completely.

He plans to try and finish off the job throughout the next month, once he communicates to the client about the financial delay and hopes that the client can cover the cost. In the meantime this means I'll be home alone, after major op, with two under 5. I have support for the first week from my dparents and then that's it. Dp knew this and I kept stressing to him that if his work was to go over time to try and only have it extend for another week. Every time I spoke to him it was a "yes I'm nearly finished" "not long now" "I've just got to x y z" and yet here we are.

What do I do?! I feel like having a breakdown!!!!!

Is there any possibility he could be autistic too? This behaviour is very similar to my autistic Ex. He actually did similar around the time I had my second child.

Behaviour was similar, single minded focus on setting up new business, not discussing it, dismissing any concerns, but also not able to the think and plan through what was needed in a realistic way, not able to think through the consequences if it did not work out, then full of self pity and moping when it crashed around his arse.

Dp has gone into feeling sorry for himself mode, so there will be no talking to him there and if I do I must tread lightly otherwise I risk him shutting down completely.

This is OUTRAGEOUS! Time for you to get angry for you and your kids OP! WTF? He would have got paid paternity if he was still in paid employment. He is a selfish arsehole that has added so much needless worry to you and put you all in debt. He’s ruined your delivery and postpartum with this. He’s a twat and I’d be calling my parents and telling them all of this and getting support for myself and my kids. I’d also be telling him I want him gone until he’s looking for paid employment. Who gives a fuck if he sulks, he’s a selfish arsehole. I’d struggle to ever forgive this.

Seriously not OPs problem! My own husband is ASD and also not a raging cunt. Not fair to excuse such selfish behaviour.

He needs to finish up these jobs and go back to a stable job ASAP.

As a practical step, can you apply to Universal Credit in the meantime?

Thanks for the kind messages for the delivery X really trying to not let this be another added stress factor but I'm finding it very overwhelming

Sorry, where was I excusing it???

I didn't excuse it.

I was saying it may be behind his behaviour.

If so, that makes things worse not better. It means he is less likely to learn form his mistakes and more likely to repeat them.

Fucking sick of the narrative both that autism is an excuse and, alternatively and conflictingly, that any awful implications of the ND for spouses is nothing at all to do with the autism but is just to do with him (or her) 'being a cunt' ( to use your language). Both of these arguments are utter bollocks.

the timing was definitely wrong, you don't set up a new business when you have a baby on the way. he should have saved for a couple of years, until DC2 a bit older and then branched out on his own.

I can see why you are worried and he should have been more sensible.

I left a 20 year job with a good salary, pension, holiday etc, to set up on my own to work around DD's nursery hours, with XH's blessing, and then 12 months later XH walked out suddenly, so there I was, working part time hours, with no holiday pay, no sick pay, no guaranteed income. I would never have left the job security had I know what was coming. 13 years on I have a successful business that has enabled me to work around DD, but for a while it was really hard work.

so I do sympathise. I hope that he manages to find work, and also make a success of his own business over time

To be honest, I would be very surprised if it does pay off in the future as he appears to have very little business acumen. Succeeding in business is not just about being good at whatever the service is that you offer. He's already severely damaged his reputation by messing up this big job. While you might get away with a misstep if you are established, you definitely won't at the early stages.

You need to get through this month or so but I think you need to have a serious talk with him about where his skills lie. Maybe going back in to full time employment while he learns the skills necessary to run his own business doing courses or availing of whatever help and supports are out there would be the best approach.He can always start doing small jobs at the weekend to build up to going out on his own while learning those skills.

Best of luck with the CS and your new arrival. You really don't deserve this at the moment.

Right. He is always going to rob Peter to pay Paul. He doesn’t have the sense to handle money. If you borrow from your parents it can not go into his hands. He will blow it or, worse, pay back his parents with it.

A million percent this.

If this is what he is like before you have a child, just picture the scene when you might have two or three kids and they are waiting for Daddy to be there for them and time and time again he isn't.

I can see that you've called him your DP and not DH. You should be able to extricate yourself from this relationship without too much upheaval to you both. It does leave you in a situation where you have a new baby and all of the responsibilities that entails but better a baby that you can show how to behave as they grow up than an adult who has no grasp on adult responsibilities whatsoever.

Honestly this is a problem. But right now just forget about it and try to enjoy your first moments with LO.

I don't know if this is your first C or not but it's tough so just focus on that and enjoy these first two weeks as best you can focusing on recovery.

Goodluck 🥰

Let his family cover the gap in his/your finances then. All of it!

If they back him, they must back his ideas and those ideas come at a cost. Let them put their money where their mouths are.

He can do his pet projects at their places going forwards because he is no longer welcome to do them where you and the kids will be.

ring the citizen advice bureau or the debt advice line for immediate advice.
if you need food go to the food bank
send him packing he and his family sound like wasters
if you cannot get anyone to support you and believe me I would if you are by me give him a date line to leave get over the ELC then its goodbye time
no man should put this on a partner who is about to have a baby especially major surgery too

OP is not married, there is no good reason for her and her parents to invest in supporting his failing business, of which they would have no ownership of.

Ah op, that's so much to take on. I hope you're able to set this aside for now and focus on yourself and the safe arrival of your wee bub! Hoping everything goes smoothly for you.

I think when you're ready to face this again, to avoid him sweeping this under the carpet, i would be having some conversations about what it means to actually be a team and what that looks like- ie: complete transparency between you, coming to each other straight away when you need advice/help/ think you've made a mistake, dealing with problems in house (no more involving mum and dad) and sitting down at the end of each month and going through bills and income together as a pair.

I think you need to be really clear that this is the minimum of what you expect and this is the new norm to avoid this situation arising again and you being blindsided. If he breeches that trust again you're gone and it will be on him. It sounds like he's got the gift of the gab op so you need to set very clear boundaries he can't wiggle out of or explain away.

wishing you all the best with your operation and delivery today OP

Honestly, I’d manage for a few months and then I’d take what’s mine and get out. Would you qualify for social housing? He’s clearly financially incompetent. If you stay with him he’ll squeeze every penny out of you and your parents and probably ruin your credit rating.

Just don’t for the love of god take out loans or support his business in your own name. Or you’ll end up with CCJs against your own name and not be able to get a mortgage for years.

In the meantime he’d be applying for jobs stacking shelves at a supermarket at weekends, going on bended knee to his boss, selling stuff or sending things back and anything else to get money in so he can complete this job.

Quick update - last night I lent dp some money so his payments today didn't bounce back. I also put money in for my payment. I woke up this morning to find he has taken some of the money for my payment out to use towards his job today!!!! I am FUMING and feel to tell him to leave me in hospital.

I lent him this money so he wouldn't be put in a financial predicament and he has just effectively thrown me under the bus. The best I got was "I had to use the money in the account can you put it back and I'll pay you when I finish this job?" Not even a sorry, and it's pointless asking after he has taken the money out!!!! I genuinely don't have the money to put back in.

To make it worse my dmum is in hospital not well so she may not be able to be a birth partner. I don't think I can go through with the op....

My god, he needs to go. He is appalling. What an utter failure.

I am so sorry, OP. Have you section because once your baby is born you can heal and get this utter dud out of your life. He is a disgrace.

Sounds like he has a different reason for taking the money. Maybe gambling?

Your DM must be seriously unwell to be admitted to Hospital so quickly. My DA recently spent 48 hours on a trolley in a corridor before being admitted.

As for the OP. You'll get through it. I've given birth alone and so do many others. It might not be what you'd planned but the staff will be there and you will get through it.

Please make sure the staff are aware of what's going on too

You poor thing OP. Try to focus on what is important, looking forward to meeting your baby! Don't put any more thought into the bills for now, nothing terrible will happen in one month. Once you're back on your feet you can come back to that but put it aside for now. Good luck!

I think you need to take a stand TBH. Surely you don’t want him with you? The nurses and medical staff will support you more if you’re on your own.

Also just STOP transferring money to him or any joint accounts. Turn the tap off. Get him to send the bill to you and you can choose whether or not to pay it. At least then you’ll know where it’s going.

The baby has got to come out.

You will be so focused on you and the baby that you won't even notice if anyone else is there, so ditch your partner, go have a baby, have 24-48 hours of enjoying your newborn and then read him the riot act. Get him out. Change your bank details. Hide your cards.

He's a thief.

Clutching at straws OP but if you want to share your approx location and just want someone on your side, there might be a mumsnetter nearby...

Your DP is an absolute twat, totally untrustworthy and tone deaf to your situation. He's done the worst thing he could have with that money!

So sorry to hear about your Mum too