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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Woken up by adult kids AGAIN.... AIBU

457 replies

rubberduck68 · 01/03/2025 10:04

My adult son still lives at home (he and his sister who is at Uni are moving in with their dad in the summer) but I just want to check if IABU. He and his GF are both early twenties, and she does stay over sometimes, which I am fine with. I have made the house rules that it's no more than three nights a week, but she's starting working at a nightclub and coming back at 3.00 am and waking me and my dog up. I have asked them both to stop, in fact I got them both up really early the last time they did it and sent her home. She did it again this week and I talked to her about it and she apologised. Last night, 2.30 am out she gets from an Uber and they are banging about downstairs! I spoke to my son who apologised. I've just asked him to send her home now, and he said I am "not very understanding." I feel awkward and uncomfortable in my own bloody home. Historically whenever I have put a boundary down with these two I am called to a meeting by them a few days later where she claims I don't like her, so I've cut that off with him today and said I won't be doing that, it's her behaviour I don't like. My son't argument is that he shouldn't have a curfew as an adult which I agree with, but I made the point that she doesn't live here! AIBU? I would never have dared behave like his in my parent's home at any age!

OP posts:
WellsAndThistles · 01/03/2025 10:06

Take house keys off them and set a curfew. E.g if they knock after 11pm you won't be answering.

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/03/2025 10:07

Tell them she’s not welcome over anymore. If he doesn’t like it he can move out now. Cheeky shits.

Motheranddaughter · 01/03/2025 10:09

Tell them straight,these are the rules and if they don’t like it they can move out

VickyEadieofThigh · 01/03/2025 10:12

She's a guest who has made herself unwelcome. YANBU - she can only stay if she arrives by 11pm.

mewkins · 01/03/2025 10:14

What the hell?! In the past she's called a meeting about what you're doing in YOUR home?! She should absolutely be going back to her own home after doing a late shift. It's ridiculous.

Garlicgarlicgarlic · 01/03/2025 10:14

Don't indulge these ridiculously entitled people with more meetings and chats.

The girlfriend is incapable of behaving with manners so natural consequences means she can go to her own house. If this isn't acceptable to your son he is free to live wherever he wants.

RedHelenB · 01/03/2025 10:15

Make the point it will be a lot easier to like her once they're living elsewhere a d you're nit being woken up.

Fraaances · 01/03/2025 10:15

She can fuck off home. You don't need to be understanding. You need some peace and quiet in your own home so that you can get to sleep. Your place is not a hotel.

Cosyblankets · 01/03/2025 10:15

You haven't set a curfew you've asked them not to disturb you.

Growlybear83 · 01/03/2025 10:21

I think it's unreasonable to impose a curfew on adult children, but I think they are being very unreasonable to be making a noise when they come in. It's perfectly possible to come in quietly, make a drink or a sandwich without disturbing anyone. When my daughter and son in law were living with us last year, they woke us up constantly in the night and when my daughter was getting ready to go to work at 4.30, but I don't think they realised that they were disturbing us. We spoke to them a couple of times, and they were really quiet and considerate after that. Perhaps your son and his girlfriend really don't realise how noisy they're being? Particularly if they've had a few drinks when they come in.

pilates · 01/03/2025 10:22

You have given them chances to rectify their behaviour and nothing has changed. I would say no more stay overs. Perhaps they can stay over at her parents house?

Doingmybest12 · 01/03/2025 10:26

Of course you aren't unreasonable,you aren't imposing a curfew. But at this stage I think it depends in what you want to achieve as to what you do . They are moving out in the summer. I'd just keep managing day to day at the moment until they go and you hopefully will retain a relationship with your son, they'll mature or run into the same issue with his dad and realise how selfish they are. If you get too heavy handed it could drive a long term wedge between you and your son. If they weren't already moving on I think you'd have to play hard ball.

Onlycoffee · 01/03/2025 10:29

There's no right or wrong way to live with an adult child but it needs to be clearer if they are children living in your home, or multiple adults living in a shared house.
Each option has different expectations and levels of responsibility.

It looks like your son and his gf think they are more like the latter.

You need to make it clear and be consistent with which option it is.

loveawineloveacrisp · 01/03/2025 10:30

mewkins · 01/03/2025 10:14

What the hell?! In the past she's called a meeting about what you're doing in YOUR home?! She should absolutely be going back to her own home after doing a late shift. It's ridiculous.

Yep, 100%. Cheeky cow.

tallhotpinkflamingo · 01/03/2025 10:32

I normally think it's unreasonable for adults to have a curfew, but she doesn't live with you, she doesn't pay rent, and she's not related to you.

So she doesn't stay over any more unless she's arriving by 10pm.

If they don't like it they move.

Coconutter24 · 01/03/2025 10:34

I would add to the list of rules, on a night she works she is not to come over after to sleep, she has to go home because that’s what seems to be the issue when she gets in from work in the early hours

BunnyLake · 01/03/2025 10:37

I don't think you're being U. I had to tell my 20 something son to stop clanking about the kitchen at 2am as it wakes me up, he understood and apologised. It’s not a house share, it’s your home (and certainly not hers).

Sassybooklover · 01/03/2025 10:37

I'm guessing that your son's girlfriend doesn't work full-time at the nightclub? If that's the case, then the nights she's working, she goes back to her own home. If she does work full-time, then I would limit her staying over. At the end of the day, she's a guest staying over, she doesn't pay rent, so therefore she needs to be considerate to others. Calling a meeting in your OWN home, is nothing short on entitled behaviour. She's a grown adult, like your son says, so therefore she needs to behave as one, not like a stroppy teenager!

NatWestPigFamily · 01/03/2025 10:38

They are being disrespectful and selfish. Stop the overnight stays.

SunsetCocktails · 01/03/2025 10:38

Coconutter24 · 01/03/2025 10:34

I would add to the list of rules, on a night she works she is not to come over after to sleep, she has to go home because that’s what seems to be the issue when she gets in from work in the early hours

I would second this. It's annoying enough to be woken up by your own adult kids, but not someone else's, especially when they appear to be so disrespectful. She has her own home, she can stay there.

AuntAgathaGregson · 01/03/2025 10:39

My son't argument is that he shouldn't have a curfew as an adult which I agree with, but I made the point that she doesn't live here!

Surely the best answer to that is that no-one is imposing a curfew, they are simply making a reasonable request that she (and your son) be quiet when she gets back?

RedRoss86 · 01/03/2025 10:41

I would never dreamed of showing up to my boyfriend's (now DH) house at 3am when I was in my 20's!
I worked late nights and would always go home.
Incredibly disrespectful.
I agree with what others have said, on nights she's working, she goes home.

FOJN · 01/03/2025 10:42

What the hell have I just read?

Your house guest summons you to a "family conference" to accuse you of "not liking her" if you have the temerity to complain about being woken by her in the early hours of the morning?

Time to grow a backbone OP and tell both of them she is no longer welcome to stay overnight in your house. Expecting people to be quiet at 3am when other members of the household are sleeping is perfectly reasonable. Not only is she not able to do that she thinks you are unreasonable for asking.

Remember you have made multiple polite requests, the time for negotiating is over, you are now TELLING her she cannot stay. You do not owe either of them an apology.

AshKeys · 01/03/2025 10:42

You absolutely can impose a curfew on adult children living in your home. And as adults they can absolutely decide they can’t live with a curfew and find a place of their own.

TomatoSandwiches · 01/03/2025 10:43

I can't believe the sodding cheek of some adult children these days. Like others have said this is your home not a house share and she isn't your child and she isn't being considerate.... and to call a fucking family meeting because she's not happy?! No, no, no.