Woken up by adult kids AGAIN.... AIBU

[rubberduck68]

My adult son still lives at home (he and his sister who is at Uni are moving in with their dad in the summer) but I just want to check if IABU. He and his GF are both early twenties, and she does stay over sometimes, which I am fine with. I have made the house rules that it's no more than three nights a week, but she's starting working at a nightclub and coming back at 3.00 am and waking me and my dog up. I have asked them both to stop, in fact I got them both up really early the last time they did it and sent her home. She did it again this week and I talked to her about it and she apologised. Last night, 2.30 am out she gets from an Uber and they are banging about downstairs! I spoke to my son who apologised. I've just asked him to send her home now, and he said I am "not very understanding." I feel awkward and uncomfortable in my own bloody home. Historically whenever I have put a boundary down with these two I am called to a meeting by them a few days later where she claims I don't like her, so I've cut that off with him today and said I won't be doing that, it's her behaviour I don't like. My son't argument is that he shouldn't have a curfew as an adult which I agree with, but I made the point that she doesn't live here! AIBU? I would never have dared behave like his in my parent's home at any age!

This ! In my 20s, or at any time, I would not have made noise or disrupted parents in the place I was staying. It is so disrespectful.

You’re putting a lot of the blame on her but it seems DS is equally to blame here.

It sounds like she wasn’t planning on coming over last night but he talked her around.

You can give her as many rules as you like but DS is your son and if he doesn’t follow them then neither will she.

I would absolutely put my foot down about people coming in after X o’clock.

I would also make a rule that no one stays over during the week.

She has somewhere to stay and if he wants to spend the night with her he can go to hers.

Honestly it sounds like you spoil him and tip toe around him.

Sit him down and tell him how it’s going to be from now on.

I’d love to know who has voted YABU, OP - and why?!

Agree with this - he has no respect

I have raised 3 teenagers who are all now much older and with their own families.

If I heard them come in it was mainly because I often stayed awake till I knew they were back ( I know, I know) but they were very, very quiet.

The food being delivered, or cooking at 3am is abso-bloody-lutely ridiculous! They can stop at a kebab shop like everyone else and then go back to her house share!

May I also say that I am really fed up of the current wisdom that if you stand up to your adult kids, they will go no contact. Well, let them.
The alternative seems to be for mums- and it's always mums- to be treated like shit. Often by partners of their kids.

Establishing boundaries in long term relationships is not easy but it is important work. Whether your son stays with this girlfriend or not the principle of how he treats you as his mother and main provider of the roof over his head, is important. You have every right to expect them to respect your sleep it shouldn't be an either/or. If they want to stay out to the small hours then its not difficult to know you have to creep in and go straight to bed. Young adults have been doing it for generations its a very useful skill !!!! It seems your son and his GF want both - to stay out and then return to the house as if only their timeframes matter. As you are doing, there needs to be clear consequences for ongoing abuse - tell them off and send her home. But leave it there, next meeting greet them with positivity and welcome. As you say they are not the problem their behaviour is. I would treat any invitation to a 'talk' with more clear boundaries - when you are accused of not liking the GF you correct that - this is not about you as a person, you are most welcome, this is about both of you disrespecting my sleep - and yes if my sleep is disturbed I will not be in a tolerant mood. The solution here is don't keep doing it and we can all get along fine. Now who would like a cuppa?

Try to make sure that you mean what you say, don't carry on any animosity after you have addressed it that way you are modelling what you expect and show that you can deliver the same. If she stays with your son, this will be a good foundation from which you can set your personal boundaries for both of them. What other people do, her mother, your ex is irrelevant - they will have to navigate the consequences of what they allow and tolerate. You can only manage your relationships on your terms.

You need a conversation with your son - and only him - again.

Tell him you feel like an outsider in your own home. That you resent that he and she keep you awake at night when her home is only a short distance away. That you resent them paying for takeaways while not paying anything towards rent - and you know they will be paying his dad rent. Ask him what the difference is?

Ask him, too, how he thinks his dad's girlfriend is going to cope if they were eating her out of house and home and waking her up at night. Ask him how he'd feel if he had a nice flat with his girlfriend and her mother came to stay and woke them at night and ate all their food.

Stay calm in the conversation but keep asking what's the difference between what you do here and what you'd do at your dad's? Why is there a difference?

I'm so angry on your behalf! They are being so unfair and then she calls a fucking meeting to discuss your behaviour!

We understand the CoL - we're all affected by it but its hardly older gens fault - the story which the younger crowd have been fed to them by the system. There are plenty of older people who didnt have it handed it to them on a plate and have struggled/are struggling.

I know people propping up mid-late 30s offspring who are seemingly incapable of being financially responsible, saving and budgeting and any suggestion that they should is greeted with derision and anger. God help them when they are eventually left to their own devices.

It's not the Victorian era.

Post of the day!

@rubberduck68 if they can’t stick to simple rules then your son can move out.

You are being so reasonable, my parents would never have put up with this xx

Honestly, just tell him only he can stay. His girlfriend, should he wish to spend the night with her, will be in her own flat. No visits from her, at all, as you're tired of being treated like a piece of shit in your own home. If he doesn't like that, he's welcome to go find somewhere else to live but whilst he's under your roof, he's got no say in how the household is run. Even if he were paying rent, he'd have no say. It's your home. Their behaviour as a couple has left you with no other options. Now, does he need boxes to pack up his belongings, so he can move in with her?

It doesn't help that they are both nocturnal. On the days that she has no lectures at Uni (which seems to be always) they are up all night and asleep all day, and I work at home so it feels kind of odd. I think I've been treating them like adults and they are behaving like kids, in that they can't own up to their own behaviour and change it...

Yes, I do feel this.

I agree.

It’s really manipulative behaviour on the sons part.

He sounds like a spoilt brat and OP let’s him walk all over her.

Yes, extraordinary , isn't it! The cheek of it!

It really is true that many, many women (and very few men) live in fear that their children will stop all contact if their mothers disagree with them or pull them up on anything.

@rubberduck68

are they really overweight OP? When do they exercise?

I don't know if this is just me but ever since having children my sleep has been terrible, and I used to be able to sleep in a drawer, but now I can't get back to sleep if I am woken in the witching hours... today I feel like a zombie.

They are both in good shape, he plays a of sports, not sure what she does, yoga and running I think...

Have not rtft.

The GF doesn't get to stay anymore. I would be telling her it is immaterial if i like her or not, she is rude and ungrateful and she may no longer stay.
Son is told that if he doesn't like the rules he can move out. He gets 2 months to find somewhere.

If they wake you again at 3am getting out of an Uber? you go down and tell them to go away.

No kids of her own that will have hardened her off. And then 2 (your son & his GF, because I assume you DD is less of a problem) selfish adult children moving in. It'll either end your ex's relationship OR Disney Dad will have to put some rules in place.

I predict (new one, I feel like Mystic Meg) that despite the McMansion your son'll realise he was better off with you and want to come home.

That'll be the time you put the conditions in place. I would have them predecided so you can explain very unemotively and factually.

Well done for setting a boundary.

There will always be backlash from the entitled and disrespectful - but you need to see that as a passing rain shower and hold your stance.

However for any boundary to be effective it needs a few more dimensions to be communicated - a deadline for their action and a consequence for overstepping.

Keep calm and assertive. Rinse and repeat your boundary once and then walk away calmly ready to enact the consequence when the deadline isnt met.

What happens without the clearly communicated deadline and consequence is that it is seen as an optional request and not a boundary. Then you (understandably) become contemptuous and rageful with the overstepping and unnecessary conflict ensues.

Model to your DS healthy, constructive, assertive and respectful boundary setting - be clear on your deadline (immediate) and your consequence - you will insists she leaves then and there at 3am and has forfeited the right to ever stay over night in your home again.

Be persistent and consistent and calm. Stand firm.

Bigger Qs why has your DS lost is job - what is he doing to pick up further work?

YANBU

We had almost exactly this recently with newish GF (no issue with previous GFs are always equal split between homes and less free time so less time together overall - although I definitely prefer not to have guests so frequently). GF works shifts so DS was leaving to pick her (she doesn't drive) up at 12 pm/1 am - waking us up on his way out and then back. Also waking us up again in the morning if she had an early shift (leaving 30 mins before I usually get up) to take her. Justification being our house is closer to her work. Why DS took on full responsibility for getting her to work and back is a different matter. Also, and extra person going to the loo in the night and waking me up.

Staying more than welcome (rule 2-3 times (which was more than happy with really) a week but pushed to 3-4 times a week and staying far too long each time - would've moved in I think it I didn't make it clear that wasn't happening). DS hasn't even set foot in her house! Then DS moans that I am being unwelcoming! I totted up that she was in our house 80 hours one week. They do try very hard to be quiet but I still wake up. I loathe someone else being in my house this much (even though she does nothing wrong other that outstay her welcome) no matter how much I like them. Would have clamped down on it sooner but I knew it was coming to an end.

Now on a re-set as they have gone travelling for a few months. I feel refreshed and the bags under my eyes have greatly reduced. Realised just how much the last few months drained us. I don't think we can even go back to DS living here now even without the GF issue - it pushed us over the edge. We want our house back, so we're going to make that happen. I suspect something similar happened with GF mum - older siblings pushed her to a blanket no partners in my house rule. Happy for her DD to stay at hours so much though...