Woken up by adult kids AGAIN.... AIBU

[rubberduck68]

My adult son still lives at home (he and his sister who is at Uni are moving in with their dad in the summer) but I just want to check if IABU. He and his GF are both early twenties, and she does stay over sometimes, which I am fine with. I have made the house rules that it's no more than three nights a week, but she's starting working at a nightclub and coming back at 3.00 am and waking me and my dog up. I have asked them both to stop, in fact I got them both up really early the last time they did it and sent her home. She did it again this week and I talked to her about it and she apologised. Last night, 2.30 am out she gets from an Uber and they are banging about downstairs! I spoke to my son who apologised. I've just asked him to send her home now, and he said I am "not very understanding." I feel awkward and uncomfortable in my own bloody home. Historically whenever I have put a boundary down with these two I am called to a meeting by them a few days later where she claims I don't like her, so I've cut that off with him today and said I won't be doing that, it's her behaviour I don't like. My son't argument is that he shouldn't have a curfew as an adult which I agree with, but I made the point that she doesn't live here! AIBU? I would never have dared behave like his in my parent's home at any age!

so bang around. Loud teams calls, phone calls, clattering round the kitchen etc etc.

And she is no longer allowed to stay since she can't behave like a normal considerate person. And all the wet towels go in his bed. Every time.

I'd turn her emotional manipulation back on her. Tell her you feel like she doesn't like you, because she has the option to be quiet / come round at a normal time and she continues to come in late and wake you up. You're really upset that she is disturbing your sleep and don't feel like she cares about how tired it makes you feel. You feel like leaving their mess everywhere is a criticism of your mothering style as it seems expected that you will change your house rules (everyone picks up after themselves) to suit their preferences based on how she was brought up. What a cheek.

fundamentally they need to be considerate of others - especially ones that own the house they are living in. If she isn't prepared to abide by the rules or wont agree to come in silently and not disturb anyone then she is the one that needs to sort out staying somewhere else.

I hope he doesn't end up marrying her!!

My parents used to offer our boyfriends and girlfriends a cup of tea at 10 pm with the expectation they would then sod off home. I like it tbh, might institute it with my kids when they are of age.
My mum was really clear that it wasn't a house share, it was their home that we (their kids) were staying at for a while, and while we were welcome, they weren't housing others. I'd have hated to be joined at the hip with a boyfriend before we got our own homes tbh.
No advice, I'm just reading this thread as a warning!

No, no, no! They can stay at hers if they want to be together. No more waking you up at silly o’clock and no more fucking meetings called by her to bollock you in your house, jeez louise! No way! Be brutal, they’re moving out anyway and why on earth are you paying for him when he has substantial savings?! Stop it!

I think if it was the multiple adults in a shared house, there would be trouble if sharers came in late and woke the other house shares. In this case its more like the landlord has a room in the HMO or the OP has got lodgers....in any case coming in at 3 am and being noisy enough to wake other is the house is not on. If the offenders can't or won't stop then out they go. and house meetings??? Fuck that!!

Op tell ds the disturbed sleep is now effecting your health and work, if you can't do your job properly you might lose it and then can't pay the mortgage, bills etc. if he can't comprehend that as a young adult or has no understanding or empathy then I'm sorry but you're better off him moving to his Dad's. You have to look after yourself, nobody else is right now, please put yourself first. I know you're scared of losing ds if you don't go along with what they want, but they're walking all over you. The gf sounds manipulative and comments about you snoring so not being woken up are gaslighting you as well!

It's not about being an adult or having a curfew, he sounds very childish. It's about basic respect and understanding for other humans, not least his own mum who's putting a roof over his head. Sorry but he seriously needs to grow up (and don't get me started on the gf)

Not on, I wouldn’t be impressed either if I was awake in the night due to his GF coming over. Go to her own house FFS. I can’t get over them calling you to a family meeting because you upset her! Unbelievable

Your house......your rules! If she doesn't like it tell her to find somewhere else to stay.

What an odd question. Would it be okay to come in at 3am making noise if she was two sizes smaller?

@ALovelyShadeofMauve

no, not at all, I was just thinking of what Op was saying about them being nocturnal and lying in bed all day and getting takeaways or cooking at 3am - hardly sounds conducive to having a fit, healthy body does it?

I’d hate this OP, but I’d probably put up with it because in a couple of months they’re all moving out and you’ll never have to endure it again. I wouldn’t want to fall out with my kids over something that was very temporary.

@SalfordQuays

these adults shouldn’t be so highly strung that they fall out with their parents over something that is their fault and their parent is totally within their rights for. If you just put up with stuff you’re just setting a precedent that they can do whatever they want and you’ll just put up and shut up …and that’s not right is it?

I wouldn’t want to fall out with my kids over something that was very temporary.

The children should be the ones not wanting to fall out with their mum! As for the very temporary bit, a) the adult children need to understand about being considerate to the other residents both now and for future good relationships, and b) if they annoy the dad's GF and get thrown out, the son might well expect to return to OP's house.

Stick to your guns OP, no more noisy 3am wake-ups or there'll be no more GF stayovers.

Your son doesn't sound like a pleasant man. He bullies you, flounces, makes demands, is breathtakingly entitled and is being a freeloader, leeching off you but will happily pay his father?

Sounds like a man who needs to be told 'NO.' frequently until he becomes a better person.

But none of that is really relevant to the thread, is it?

Thanks for sharing that. Did you resolve it before they went away? I too feel very drained, I am so tired.

Everything I was going to say.

I can't get over the I am called to a meeting by them a few days later
😂

I went through this, I was a single mum of three kids being subjected to what I now realise was bullying. Son and his girlfriend were at my house constantly, he was 18 and She was 17 and had virtually moved in. The noise and the arguments was unbearable, I was effectively looking g after 4 kids and despite working like a dog could not afford it. I was worn down and depressed and then became quite ill. Despite many conversations it never improved so I went to see her parents and told them they were all taking the piss and she couldn't stay over anymore. Parents seem to live in fear that if we try and put our foot down our kids will adopt the current thinking of going NC which, to my mind, is another way of controlling the parents. God help us if we also fit into that 'boomer' category as I do. Your son is enabling his girlfriends behaviour and has no consideration for you. If it feels wrong to you, then it is and that's all that matters.

I wouldn't want to be woken up night after night when it just isn't necessary and boils down to a couple of incredibly selfish people. And as being called to a meeting, I would give her meeting, what an absolutely arrogant entitled attitude.

Might print this off and put it on the fridge, it is EXACTLY what I want to say to her the next time she asks me to sit down at my own table and deflect her behaviour onto me!

Why's he insisting that she comes over when she's been out with her friends?

@ALovelyShadeofMauve

no, I’m am so sorry 😔

I hear that, but they move out in six months, and it's already been going on for a year, and I am so tired. Just been crying in the shower, that's not normal, is it?

Oh let me guess.....

She has her student house nearby - they need to go there.

I would also not have them hanging around your house all day when you are working from home. Tell them to go to hers. I would put further boundaries in that not allowed to stay over or hang about the house on work nights M-F.

@rubberduck68

no, it’s not. Ignore anyone telling you to just suck it up OP.