To not let MIL babysit

[loulalole]

My in laws are ok people, definitely nothing as dramatic as some of the things I’ve read on here, but we do not get on particularly well. It was more like death by a thousand paper-cuts than one big falling out, so whilst I can give examples of things they’ve done here, each on their own they aren’t too significant. But over years and years of them being like this to me… the relationship just isn’t there anymore.

My husband and I have a 3-year-old daughter, and lately, my in-laws have been pushing hard to babysit her alone, which I am completely against. They see her about once a month, either at our place or theirs, but I’m always present. They, however, seem determined to carve out alone time. At first, it was framed as a treat for us: “Why don’t you two go for lunch? We’ll watch her!” and when I explained that there’s no need, she has a nanny / housekeeper / my helper (I received a very large inheritance early which means that I am lucky enough to afford paid childcare and help around the house, whilst I am a SAHM, my DH is not paying for this) who can look after my daughter perfectly, knows how I want things done and does them to a standard we’re happy with, it turned into “but we want to have a go, we want time alone with her, we are grandparents so we deserve to”.

MIL’s even bigger wish is an overnight stay. But I’ve never left my daughter for a night, and I have zero need or desire to. And honestly, what do they want to do with her that they can’t do while we’re there? On top of that, I don’t trust them to follow instructions (what to feed her, when to sleep, what not to give her, what she’s allowed to do and what she isn’t) and really don’t see the need.

And just to paint a picture of what they’re like:
1. The first words out of their mouths when we got engaged? “You’re a lucky girl, Lou, aren’t you?”
2. A few days postpartum: “You didn’t have a C-section, did you?! That’s terrible for babies’ lungs.”
3. When we called from the hospital to say I’d just given birth, instead of “Congratulations! How are you feeling?” we got: “We’ll get ready to head over when you get home.” (That assumption locked in my decision: they weren’t visiting for a few days even after we’d got home.)
4. During a rare overnight stay at our house, I asked them to keep things calm before bed. MIL’s response was a breezy “I don’t think that’s necessary!” as she wound my daughter up right before sleep.

Individually, none of these are that bad. But after years of this? I just don’t have it in me to pretend.

Are they awkward, or mean?

Are you hoping to stop them from ever being on their own with your child?

You may not want a relationship with them- fair enough, but do you feel they are actually dangerous enough that they shouldn’t have any alone time with their grand child?

I think it's perfectly reasonable to say no overnight stays and no really long stays if you're not comfortable being apart for that long yet, but it would be nice to let them have some one on one time. If it's just an hour or two it's hard to see that it would really be a problem unless you think they are an active danger to your child, which doesn't seem to be the case. Just because you don't get on with them doesn't seem like a great reason to not let them have time together and I think it's normal for grandparents to enjoy having some one to one time with grandkids.

@Pinkissmart

Are they awkward, or mean?
They're rude to me.

Are you hoping to stop them from ever being on their own with your child?
At this stage I don't see why they'd need to be on their own with my child. There is no benefit of this. Obviously if they're older, able to decide for themselves, differentiate right from wrong, I would let them. But only when my child is verbal enough and otherwise developed enough to be able to accurately recount what happened and get in touch with me independently if they want to at any point during their time with the grandparents.

You may not want a relationship with them- fair enough, but do you feel they are actually dangerous enough that they shouldn’t have any alone time with their grand child?
Not dangerous in the sense that I worry about rpae or anything like that, but an overtired child, full of sugar, shouting "but granny lets me watch hours of tv" isn't what I want to have

Maybe I'm missing something but what exactly is the benefit of that alone time? What can't they do whilst I'm present?

I can understand why they would want to see dgd more than once a month. Would it hurt if they had her for an afternoon once a month on their own?
I loved staying over with my nana and my kids love staying over with both grandparents

What does your DH think

Yes you are missing something.
A grandparents relationship with a child can be so special. My children spent many happy hours with their grandparents and now I do the same with their children. Why do you need to be there? Did you not have grandparents who did special things with you?

Probably can't relax or feel comfortable being themselves under your scrutiny. Let your DD have a normal relationship with her family, she's an individual not an extension of you.

None of these things sound so bad but of course I know they're just small examples and there are likely more than this.

I think the difference is that if you're there, you're in charge and your kid will come to you first for everything. When you aren't there they get to have an entirely different relationship with their grandchild. If they are reasonable people, they'll know you don't get along - and your child will feel that to - so they won't have the opportunity to have as close a relationship with their grandchild with you hovering around. Now this might be fine - there could be very valid reasons and of course you get the only vote anyway.

Just a word of caution - we have never left our kids overnight and as we are immigrants, my kids have never spent that much time with any of their grandparents. Our immediate family is a closed unit in many ways which has been and continues to be lovely, but it's also a bit exhausting. When my kids have a rough time - or I do - we only have each other to go to, they don't really have an emotional connection to anyone outside the 4 of us. And I hadn't really thought about how that would be longer term. I grew up near my grandparents so was totally comfortable with them and comfortable in their home and my kids just have us. It's a lot of pressure to be honest. So before you cut off this option altogether just think about what it will be like 2, 5, 10 years down the road too.

They are your childs grandparents not just the inlaws, Spending time with them is much more important than spending time with your hired help.

His mum manipulates him quite a lot with crying, and if he ever pulls her up on anything (mum, stop asking Lou why she isn't pregnant, we've explained that we are struggling to conceive), the response is always "oh I'm just curious, I feel so sad being left out of the loop". Or when I spoke back and said "I'd like to keep our sex life private" she burst into tears saying she's being kept at a distance and that's such a rude response.

So his ideal would be to just hand over our daughter to minimise drama. But that would cause drama with me because to me she's not a toy to appease a tantrum with.

I think you sound very uptight and are depriving your child of a relationship with her grandparents. In the long run, a good and secure relationship with other familial adults is a good thing. What happens if/when your nanny leaves?
Nothing they have said sounds that bad. Perhaps a bit foot in mouth but not outright rude.

Let your child forge her own relationship with them. What does your partner say?

The benefit of alone time is it allows a different dynamic to develop between child and GP. GP actually provides care and meets the child's needs during that time, so rather than just seeing them as 'there', the child comes to see them as another adult they can trust to care for them. Having additional adults in this role can give greater security to the child.
Alone time also offers a better connection as its one on one. Neither GP or child are distracted or sharing their attention with other people (ie, you) so the GP can make it all about the child. Where the relationship with the parent is not the warmest, the GP will be more relaxed without you around, so will be more authentic with the child. A good example is the 'winding up' before bedtime. Had you not been around this would have just happened and your child would have had uninterrupted fun. No harm would have been done and its good for a child to have a little spontaneity at times.

why is it more beneficial for your child to have alone time with paid help than their own grandparents?

This jumps out at me. You’d prefer her to build a relationship with someone who you pay. Someone who has no ties to your family other than money?

You may not like them but your daughter may end up adoring them and her time with them.

Paid help knows what she's doing in the best interests of the child, it's her source of income so she tries to do as good as job as she can to retain that source of income. Grandparents seem to treat her like a toy, for their own entertainment and self esteem

I think it would be lovely for your daughter to have some one on one time with them. Mine are grown up now but their time with grandparents when growing up was so special. Yes, they were sometimes fed crap. (Ice cream for breakfast! We were never allowed that but for some reason my parents allowed it for their grandkids!). They took them on trips out. They came back muddy, over tired, in each others clothes (4 children in 6 years meant clothes in changing bags were difficult to assign I guess!). We had disasters - child locked in the car is a memorable one! They went to bed too late, and were hell the next day. But they made SUCH happy memories!

You don't seem to understand normal family relationships.

Yes but that’s you looking commercially not emotionally. It’s emotionally a good thing for grandparents to spent time with your child. From a emotional point of view, it’s not great for your child to build a bond with a nanny whose going to leave them. Look at the bigger picture.

You give the impression that you just don’t like them and because of that you don’t want your child to have a relationship with them either. It sounds rather controlling. They might not do everything exactly the way you want it, but I doubt they’ll do her any harm. You’re also parking your DH firmly in the middle and making him choose, none of this will end well.

You have a messed up view of family relationships.

Can you reflect on your childhood experiences to explore why?

At the moment it's reading like "I pay, so what I say goes" and with the grandparents you won't have that level of control and don't like it.

Yabu and sound like a difficult daughter on law. I feel for your parents in law, I really do. They just want some quality time with their granddaughter, it isn't much to ask.

You dont need to validate your feelings on mn. YANBU. You are not depriving your dd a relationship with her grandparents. They see her and spend time with her once a month. I would never allow an overnight stay for my dd either - not even with my parents, let alone in-laws who frequently piss me off.

It benefits the child to spend time with older relatives who love them. It’s a totally different dynamic to the paid help. You may not like them, but it’s good for your child.

Why not just let them have her once every couple of months?

Also despite your inheritance, if you’re a SAHM why do you need so much childcare help? Wouldn’t it be better to put the money aside for your child?

This also seems to be all about you and your feelings and your wants. What about what your child might like?