To not let MIL babysit

[loulalole]

My in laws are ok people, definitely nothing as dramatic as some of the things I’ve read on here, but we do not get on particularly well. It was more like death by a thousand paper-cuts than one big falling out, so whilst I can give examples of things they’ve done here, each on their own they aren’t too significant. But over years and years of them being like this to me… the relationship just isn’t there anymore.

My husband and I have a 3-year-old daughter, and lately, my in-laws have been pushing hard to babysit her alone, which I am completely against. They see her about once a month, either at our place or theirs, but I’m always present. They, however, seem determined to carve out alone time. At first, it was framed as a treat for us: “Why don’t you two go for lunch? We’ll watch her!” and when I explained that there’s no need, she has a nanny / housekeeper / my helper (I received a very large inheritance early which means that I am lucky enough to afford paid childcare and help around the house, whilst I am a SAHM, my DH is not paying for this) who can look after my daughter perfectly, knows how I want things done and does them to a standard we’re happy with, it turned into “but we want to have a go, we want time alone with her, we are grandparents so we deserve to”.

MIL’s even bigger wish is an overnight stay. But I’ve never left my daughter for a night, and I have zero need or desire to. And honestly, what do they want to do with her that they can’t do while we’re there? On top of that, I don’t trust them to follow instructions (what to feed her, when to sleep, what not to give her, what she’s allowed to do and what she isn’t) and really don’t see the need.

And just to paint a picture of what they’re like:
1. The first words out of their mouths when we got engaged? “You’re a lucky girl, Lou, aren’t you?”
2. A few days postpartum: “You didn’t have a C-section, did you?! That’s terrible for babies’ lungs.”
3. When we called from the hospital to say I’d just given birth, instead of “Congratulations! How are you feeling?” we got: “We’ll get ready to head over when you get home.” (That assumption locked in my decision: they weren’t visiting for a few days even after we’d got home.)
4. During a rare overnight stay at our house, I asked them to keep things calm before bed. MIL’s response was a breezy “I don’t think that’s necessary!” as she wound my daughter up right before sleep.

Individually, none of these are that bad. But after years of this? I just don’t have it in me to pretend.

They probably want alone time with her because I am guessing you watch every move they make when you are also there.

It is 100% normal for grandparents to look after and spend time with their grandchildren alone and so of course that's what they would have expected.

Your child is 3, not a baby, she will presumably be starting an education setting soon so maybe it would be a good opportunity to ease some of the control.

As a others have said, it seems you lack an understanding of normal family relationships.

Your daughter would form her own relationship with her grandparents independent of you. Unless they are dangerous people (which they are clearly not) this would be incredibly beneficial to her.

I agree with this.

I wonder if any of it has to do with the early inheritance.

There's such a transactional/cold tone to the OP's posts.

The benefit is fairly obvious to most people - a stronger relationship with the grandchildren. OP, if you think about it, you know that being the person looking after a child even for a short period of time is different to visiting when the parents are there.

You don't need to allow overnight stays yet or at all - I don't allow these with grandparents as I don't think they are able to provide care properly overnight (hearing loss) - but a trip to the playground or an hour here or there is not a big deal.

We are comfortably off financially and use a babysitter all the time, my kids adore her and frankly she does provide a better standard of care to the grandparents. But both sets of grandparents do a couple of hour outings here and there and it does improve their bond.

Your MIL does sound like she is sometimes rude to you but then I suspect she would have some things to say about you too - but at the end of the day she loves your child and she doesn't sound toxic in any way, so let your child have a little bit more time with her.

Oh and my MIL and I do not get on. We are completely different people. I don’t particularly agree with her way of parenting - she doesn’t do anything dangerous, it’s just different. Same with my parents tbh to a slightly lesser degree.

Both grandparents had the kids alone frequently when they were younger, especially my parents. Now adults, my kids have lovely relationships with all their grandparents. The difficulties between me and my MIL are a (warm) family joke.

It’s good for children to have lots of different people who love them in their lives. And to experience love expressed in different ways. My mum’s a feeder & a nurturer my in laws are doers & always looked to take the kids out.

Paid people can love the kids. But they have their own lives as well & there isn’t necessarily the same investment.

Unless a family member is damaging they are a bonus in a child’s life. Having a different opinion to mum is not damaging (my MIL and I do not agree on almost anything).

Op you sound like you have absolutely no tolerance at all- people can be annoying and not behave exactly as you want them to. Like others have said unless they are dangerous let them build a relationship with the granddaughter. When she is older they can be extremely helpful in many ways you will not know yet. My daughter s grandparents would have been so upset if I limited time like you have- they are not perfect, but I am also certainly not perfect. Relationship s can be hard and annoying sometimes but mostly it is very worth it

OP you've had quite a hard time on here but I actually agree with you're thoughts.
We are in a similar situation with my children's grandparents, we see them once every 2 months for 4-5hours (we go to them, they never bother to reciprocate despite being in well enough health, vith retired so have the time and are able to afford the 50 minute car journey).

They have asked for one on one time but they just don't know my children well enough given they spend approximately 30 hours a YEAR with my children. If they want the privilege of spending time with them one to one, I feel like they need to make a far bigger effort to actually get to know them.

I completely agree with you- your child isn't a toy that you aren't sharing.

I agree with you, there is no reason for overnight stays or alone time with your child. They are being weird, because they don’t like you.
Dont give in, just be cordial, and see them as a family.
Three is too young to stay elsewhere if you aren’t comfortable with it anyway.

I honestly don’t understand people who are prepared and think it’s reasonable to almost cut their in-laws out of their children’s live for basically no reason!
Does it not bother your DH?
Why are you so adamantly against them taking your daughter to the park or for an ice cream? Honestly these are such normal grandparent things, phrasing it as them trying to get “alone time” with her is purposefully trying to make it weird.

I think you're right to trust you're instincts and wait until your child is older.

While you aren't present they might be more happy joining in imaginative play with her, singing songs etc. Chatting more with her.

If the concern is too much sugar/tv or not following usually routine I would prioritise close relationship with grandparents. They more people that love her, the better.

If you are concerned they would be unkind to her or she would not be safe then I understand, but that doesn't sound like the issue.

My Mum has an amazing relationship with her grand daughters. She took them out from a very early age with my Dad, had overnighters too. After my Dad died she continued seeing just as much of them. For about 10 years she took them both away a couple of nights twice a year.
Thankfully my brother & SIL both encouraged their time without them

Now they're 23 & 20 and adore her. The eldest is away at Uni but will detour on her way home to pop in & see Gran. They both drive now and will take her out for lunch or just pop up to see her

Their relationship has been allowed to grow since they were little and they and my Mum benefit hugely from it

Let your daughter start forging a relationship with them, without you

Hi OP, I am very similar to you (just without the paid help at home 🙈). I completely get the death by a thousand cuts thing too.
I have two girls now (4 and 1) and I don't feel the need to send them for sleepovers, weekly afternoons, etc. with their grandparents, BUT I am slowly learning to release a bit of control and, more importantly, to allow my girls to build that relationship with their grandparents.
Assuming that they are generally good people and not a risk to your daughter, I would suggest asking them to have her for a couple of hours every now and then while you and your DH go out for brunch / a walk / coffee, etc. late morning time then even if she is totally hyped up after it, she has time to settle before bed.
The more (good) people that love our children the better. You may even find that they stop asking to look after her alone once they remember how tiring it can be.

You are being unreasonable. Very unreasonable. And controlling to boot.
I'm with you on no overnights if you don't feel comfortable with that (not sure why though) but it's awful that you won't even let them babysit for a few hours.
This is either a windup, or you sound bloody hard work.

As a mother of boys this scares me so much that my future DILs might deprive me of time with my grandchildren including ages after birth :-(

I wonder whether the child spends time with the op's parents.

Well if she wanted to have more time with her kid, she could do the parenting instead of outsourcing it to the staff couldn’t she?

I reckon the GP wants the child to spend time there away from the restrictions of Downton abbey!

Of course she would. The OP is mean and controlling - it’s fairly obvious why the in laws would not want to spend time with her.

Loosen the stranglehold. They don’t sound too bad honestly. You’re fortunate to have an invested MIL in your family.

Your DD is 3 - definitely would be ok for grandma to have her for a night. Have you thought maybe your DH would like a break and maybe go away on a weekend away together?

It seems everyone has to tip toe around you and your standards, like walking on eggshells.

This!

I can't believe you have a nanny and are presumably happy to leave your child with them but not with grandparents. I think that is particularly controlling and mean.
As my children have got older the relationship they have with their grandparents is ever more important. Grandparents love you in a way no one else does and it's very good for the soul.

So, basically, you want absolute control over your child. You don't want her to develop a relationship with anyone YOU don't like, even grandparents. Your paid help is okay because they do exactly what you want, when you want, bow to your demands and jump at the snap of your fingers. You also control them, so they are allowed to be alone with your DD. 🙄

She has to love you first, best and the most and that is the law in your house.

This. What was your relationship with your grandparents? I think this is sad for your child.

I don't think you sound uptight, I think they sound emotionally manipulative.
If my PILS were rude to me I'd not be wanting to leave my child alone with them for long periods either
Maybe an hour or two but tbh, if they are dismissive of her needs such as sleep/bedtime, they are selfish.

This ^

My MIL is exactly like this - though has also done some horrendous things. It’s the manipulation and crocodile tears that mean she will never get to spend time on her own with my DC. I’ve seen how she gaslights her son, so she won’t get to gaslight my DC. I don’t think you’re unreasonable in the slightest. Find your own little clever ways to make her feel involved without doing anything you’re uncomfortable with. And agree on no overnight stays - my DC doesn’t stay with anyone other than my parents.

I don't see the issue with giving the grandparents an afternoon. Couple of hours. If it doesn't go well, then you can say you gave it a go.

I adored spending time with my GPs. My mum may not have agreed with everything GPs did but she saw how happy we all were spending time with them and that they loved us.

The more love a child has in their life the better.