To not let MIL babysit

[loulalole]

My in laws are ok people, definitely nothing as dramatic as some of the things I’ve read on here, but we do not get on particularly well. It was more like death by a thousand paper-cuts than one big falling out, so whilst I can give examples of things they’ve done here, each on their own they aren’t too significant. But over years and years of them being like this to me… the relationship just isn’t there anymore.

My husband and I have a 3-year-old daughter, and lately, my in-laws have been pushing hard to babysit her alone, which I am completely against. They see her about once a month, either at our place or theirs, but I’m always present. They, however, seem determined to carve out alone time. At first, it was framed as a treat for us: “Why don’t you two go for lunch? We’ll watch her!” and when I explained that there’s no need, she has a nanny / housekeeper / my helper (I received a very large inheritance early which means that I am lucky enough to afford paid childcare and help around the house, whilst I am a SAHM, my DH is not paying for this) who can look after my daughter perfectly, knows how I want things done and does them to a standard we’re happy with, it turned into “but we want to have a go, we want time alone with her, we are grandparents so we deserve to”.

MIL’s even bigger wish is an overnight stay. But I’ve never left my daughter for a night, and I have zero need or desire to. And honestly, what do they want to do with her that they can’t do while we’re there? On top of that, I don’t trust them to follow instructions (what to feed her, when to sleep, what not to give her, what she’s allowed to do and what she isn’t) and really don’t see the need.

And just to paint a picture of what they’re like:
1. The first words out of their mouths when we got engaged? “You’re a lucky girl, Lou, aren’t you?”
2. A few days postpartum: “You didn’t have a C-section, did you?! That’s terrible for babies’ lungs.”
3. When we called from the hospital to say I’d just given birth, instead of “Congratulations! How are you feeling?” we got: “We’ll get ready to head over when you get home.” (That assumption locked in my decision: they weren’t visiting for a few days even after we’d got home.)
4. During a rare overnight stay at our house, I asked them to keep things calm before bed. MIL’s response was a breezy “I don’t think that’s necessary!” as she wound my daughter up right before sleep.

Individually, none of these are that bad. But after years of this? I just don’t have it in me to pretend.

Nope. That’s not what I said. Your basic comprehension skills are lacking. I said grandparents spending time with the grandkids is great. I queried why this had to be without the parents.

You are exceptionally rude. Perhaps have a little think to yourself that not everyone who uses this forum reads it but has software that transcribes due to not having vision.

I think you're being touchy.
It also sounds like you have a big list of do/don't blah blah.
They might want some alone time so they can have some fun!

I have a one year old and my ILS arnt perfect. Nore my own parents. But safety is the main thing!

Can't believe some of the responses here. The mother-in-law does sound very insensitive and narcissistic, and her feelings of entitlement towards your family unit also sounds unhealthy.
That said, your child might really benefit from a relationship with grandparents when they are old enough, and, as you stated, capable of verbalising.
Don't let this become an issue which divides you and your husband. Have a calm discussion in which you agree boundaries and responses when dealing with the in-laws.
Try not to be reactive to them either - I think they might enjoy the drama a bit too much.

I made sure my children had one to one visits and stays with both sets of grandparents from a really young age. Why? Because I absolutely cherished those memories from my own childhood and wanted my children to have the same memories. They are grown up now but have their own separate relationship with the grandparents which is actually really lovely to see. I remember my nan plying us with so much junk food as a child. We only saw her a few times a year though so we survived. I loved her so so much and miss her every day. You are depriving your child based on your own issues. Also for what its worth I had many fall outs with my in laws and they still drive me nutty!!

It's not unusual for grandparents to babysit grandchildren alone.
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Like your MIL you also don't come across well in all this.

I didn't always see eye to eye with my MIL and mt FIL and there was lots I would have rather they didn't do or hadn't said. And the early days were a nightmare.

But when all said and done, they were good grandparents, DS has lovely memories of time spent with them, and particular meals nanny used to cook for him. They are no longer with us and those memories mean a lot to him. Just because I didn't always have a great relationship with them, didn't mean I wanted to deprived him of one.

Do your parents have unsupervised access to your child OP?

I will hand on heart say my paternal grandparents especially my grandmother was the single best part of my childhood. I know she took absolute joy at spending time with me and I felt that through to my core every single second I spent with her. Unfortunately I didn't feel that from my mother nor my mother's "help" however efficient they were. When my grandmother was nearing the end of life I took on the responsibility of nursing her and for 3 years I had the honour of repaying the kindness love and warmth and care she gave me as a child. My mother is at a point in life where she will too need that level of care soon and to be honest I am not looking forward to it and feel obliged to do it out of duty rather than desire to. I know my mother didn't like my grandmother, luckily she didn't let that impact me having the relationship I did as my father wouldn't allow it. On my maternal side unfortunately the relationship was more strained as my mother wouldn't allow a relationship to form.

I'm on Team OP.
Lovely of GP to have offered babysitting. OP has graciously declined.
DD does have a relationship with her GP - she sees them once a month!

You sound very controlling. I feel sorry for your child. My DD has lost her nanna recently and it’s horrendous and you are wilfully depriving yours just because you don’t like them.

I stayed for a sleepover maybe once each month at my grandparents when I was growing up. I was also taken on days out or trips to places with my GPs (without my parents). I loved it! I also spent a lot of time with my auntie and female cousin (same age as me) and had sleepovers, days out etc with them.

Im so glad my parents didn’t keep me in some tight insular bubble with only scheduled controlled visits permitted with my mother present 🙄

They sound like they are worthy of the occasional eye roll. They don't sound like you should be trying to stop them having a good relationship with their granddaughter. And worrying about what they might feed her or let her do, absent actually risking her safety, is ridiculous.

@Happyhappyday Ah but I am responding to OPs specific situation as she's described it, not your family.

I don't see how anyone can disagree with a mother wanting to leave her child only with those she can trust, as I'm sure you do? It's not up to any of us to tell her otherwise.

How sad

Not dangerous in the sense that I worry about rpae or anything like that, but an overtired child, full of sugar, shouting "but granny lets me watch hours of tv" isn't what I want to have

Isn't that exactly what grandparents are for? A bit of fun and madness away from mum and dad and to spoil them. My MIL has crazy dance parties with my 3 year old at bed time, loads her up with ice cream and let's her sleep on a mattress on the floor in her room. It's fun and exciting and a great time is had by all. Aye it's not ideal every night of the week but a rare occasion is fine and good for all.

She's clearly got boundary issues and some of the things you've listed are not at all ok, but that's your relationship with her not your child's. Stand firm on boundaries and call her out on rude and inappropriate behaviour but if the only reason you're not allowing some alone time is a strained relationship I think it's worth reconsidering, especially if she treats your child well

Extended family is a gift, just look at the posts from people who don’t have any family support on here.

I’m now 52, and my memories of spending time with my grandparents, alone as a child are etched into my core. My mother really disliked my paternal grandmother but tolerated the relationship I had with her as MY right.

Im a Nanna myself now, and cherish my one on one time with my grandchildren.

It does sound as if you are against grandparents spending alone time with your DD as it’s outwith your direct control op so you’d rather the paid help looked after her so that what you say goes.

I do understand that it can feel strange that another woman who is not from your own direct family wants to spend time with your child but time with grandparents can be lovely for children even if they do things not exactly how you would have done it.

I also appreciate that maybe because of your inheritance you have plenty of time and help so don’t exactly need their help and see it as taking some of her time away from you but realistically grandparents won’t be around for ever.

I feel sorry for your daughter and her grandparents.
I love looking after my 2 year old grandson once a week, all on my own without help from paid nanny or input from my daughter. I’m so glad my daughter doesn’t think it’s strange I want to do that. I also manage to hand him back unscathed.
I hope for your sake, when you’re a grandmother you’ll be trusted to be alone with your grandchild.

My similar aged DC has never stayed at grandparents overnight and is not left alone with MIL at all. They still get to have a relationship but ultimately we will only leave DC with a few people we trust.

Would I leave a 3 year old child with people I don't trust? No.

I absolutely sympathise with you on the difficult in-laws front, but I also firmly believe that if they are not liable to badmouth you around your child, or in some way make your child unsafe, you need to facilitate her relationship with them. Sorry.

She doesn't need to stay overnight or for a whole day, but a few hours here and there actually is a very beneficial thing. You need to put your own feelings about them aside and let them build a grandparent/grandchild relationship discrete from you. Because it is. I find my MIL very difficult at times but I also feel that it would be very wrong of me to let that affect her access to my children. The way I see it, my children deserve and have a right to that grandparent relationship. It's totally separate from the one they have with me: it's theirs to make of what they will, and I never ever want them to feel I obstructed it.

You are trying to present this as what is best for your child, but this is all about you. I pray my son does not have a child with someone like you. You are simply being spiteful and it's your child who is going to be deprived of the special relationship with their grandparents. I can't actually believe you choose your hired help over the child's grandparents.

When this comes back to bite you, and it will, you'll be sharing custody with your DH and the grandparents will have all the access they need!

My grandmother was the most significant person in my life, even though I was raised by both parents, and my memories of her fill my heart to this day! You are depriving your child for your own agenda!

Does your daughter get alone time with your parents?

I am genuinely surprised at all those ILs wanting to babysit. Like it is a great prize or something. I understand seeing grandchildren from time to time, giving a gift, but to babysit????? Wipe snot and what? Sheer madness.