To not let MIL babysit

[loulalole]

My in laws are ok people, definitely nothing as dramatic as some of the things I’ve read on here, but we do not get on particularly well. It was more like death by a thousand paper-cuts than one big falling out, so whilst I can give examples of things they’ve done here, each on their own they aren’t too significant. But over years and years of them being like this to me… the relationship just isn’t there anymore.

My husband and I have a 3-year-old daughter, and lately, my in-laws have been pushing hard to babysit her alone, which I am completely against. They see her about once a month, either at our place or theirs, but I’m always present. They, however, seem determined to carve out alone time. At first, it was framed as a treat for us: “Why don’t you two go for lunch? We’ll watch her!” and when I explained that there’s no need, she has a nanny / housekeeper / my helper (I received a very large inheritance early which means that I am lucky enough to afford paid childcare and help around the house, whilst I am a SAHM, my DH is not paying for this) who can look after my daughter perfectly, knows how I want things done and does them to a standard we’re happy with, it turned into “but we want to have a go, we want time alone with her, we are grandparents so we deserve to”.

MIL’s even bigger wish is an overnight stay. But I’ve never left my daughter for a night, and I have zero need or desire to. And honestly, what do they want to do with her that they can’t do while we’re there? On top of that, I don’t trust them to follow instructions (what to feed her, when to sleep, what not to give her, what she’s allowed to do and what she isn’t) and really don’t see the need.

And just to paint a picture of what they’re like:
1. The first words out of their mouths when we got engaged? “You’re a lucky girl, Lou, aren’t you?”
2. A few days postpartum: “You didn’t have a C-section, did you?! That’s terrible for babies’ lungs.”
3. When we called from the hospital to say I’d just given birth, instead of “Congratulations! How are you feeling?” we got: “We’ll get ready to head over when you get home.” (That assumption locked in my decision: they weren’t visiting for a few days even after we’d got home.)
4. During a rare overnight stay at our house, I asked them to keep things calm before bed. MIL’s response was a breezy “I don’t think that’s necessary!” as she wound my daughter up right before sleep.

Individually, none of these are that bad. But after years of this? I just don’t have it in me to pretend.

Your MIL sounds rude, self-absorbed, manipulative and particularly disrespectful of you, OP. She makes zero effort to have any relationship with you. It reads like she is barely civil with you and is complaining to her son that you're refusing to just be shoved out of the way and give her what she wants. I would just glaze over at the requests. No need to explain or justify. I bet if you said your H and DD would go there without you, she'd be over the moon.

Yanbu. I will get torn apart for saying it but I find this obsession so many GPs have for 'alone' time with the dgc really rather peculiar. You are fully entitled to refuse sleepovers as much as you like and not to allow mil to emotionally manipulate you or dh into doing anything just to keep her happy. She's made it clear she doesn't respect you or your ways of doing things. As long as you are fair in facilitating anf maintaining a relationship for your dc to see them and interact then that's enough. She had her day of raising dcs, it's your turn now so stand firm and do it how you and dh wish without being influenced by her.

On one side I have a grandparent where I shadow my dd every second of every visit so they are never alone.

On the other I have my imperfect in-laws. I don’t agree with everything my inlaws say or do, but one of the great joys in life is knowing they will feed my dd too much sugar and dote on her to excess. She is never in their care often enough for a little bending of the rules to matter. I just want them to have fun and enjoy their relationship.

I know all too well it won’t last forever. You may not get time when your child is older. My mother died surprisingly young. She barely got to know her granddaughter. The time they got together was invaluable, even if dd doesn’t remember all of it. It all helped her love her grandmother to this day even though she is gone.

Ask yourself if you had noone else to watch her like you currently do, would you be OK with it then? They sound like they want a relationship with her

Op you are your daughter's mother, you know what's best for her and you deserve to be supported in your parenting decisions. You don't need to justify yourself to trolls.

I agree. Having had inlaws from hell yours doesn't sound bad at all.

Growing up my nan practically raised us for the first 9 years or so but I don't recall my mum ever being absent. We have a fantastic relationship with our nan. Point being - alone time was absolutely not needed for that bond. Maybe those adamantly against you struggle to understand or see this based on their own experience 🤔

Trying to think from the GP perspective - if outsiders/professionals were allowed to take care of her solo but they couldn't, I get why that would feel hurtful.

I totally get your perspective though at not feeling comfortable handing her over.

If I was in your position, maybe when the child is around 4 years and developmentally a bit further along - ask them if they would like solo time with grandparents or a sleepover with them as I think it's important to factor in the child's wishes.

Are you an only child, Op?
Did you not have a relationship with your grandparents?
Were your grandparents remote, proper, very old or far away?

Was your daughter conceived with medical intervention; is she a little miracle? I agree that she should not have a sleep over if you are too anxious; she will pick up on that.

Your daughter will be old enough for a sleep over once she is six or seven. Why would her grandparents not want her to stay? At three she is old enough to play for a couple of hours, take a half day picnic to the zoo etc with her Grandparents, Aunt and cousin etc.

I think your DH is afraid of the fall out with you, if his parents inadvertently cause you offence - don't clean the kid's teeth for the right number of minutes, are sent to bed without a bath or too late etc.

You child is already growing up in an environment of little variation with you and your hired nannies sticking to the same routines. How about your daughter learning to be adaptable, able to tolerate new food, love messy people, play on wet grass, cook grandma's scones etc.

While your DD is small, back off a bit when your PIL visit.
Give the hired help time off and allow your DD to walk alone with her grandparents to the park and play for a bit. (with their son, or you as well sometimes too) Send DD in to her grandparents' bedroom to wake them with a biscuit and a book in the mornings.

You sound inflexible, easily insulted and a person who remembers tiffs, and holds a grudge.
You are paying for the nannies but your DH still deserves to have equal say in how his child is raised. Put some of your money away to buy DD a house and let his parents spend some alone time with their grandchild.

I think you are being pretty miserable to not allow them at least a few hours alone with their grandchild alone.

as for your list of gripes - it’s phenomenally petty to still be hanging onto these years later.

it’s good for your child to have a good relationship with GPs - it’s to your child’s detriment that you are placing restrictions on this.

It isn’t ego driven at all. Such a bizarre response which is why the vast majority of posters disagree with you. They just want an opportunity to bond with their DGC which is totally normal.

OP, your in laws sound very similar to mine. When DH and I got together in their twenties she would say I was taking him away from her. When I had a really difficult pregnancy and was hospitalised with HV she said I should try going through that while looking after a toddler, she had no time for bed rest (she never had HV). When we were found out we were having twins, her reaction was that twins were easy compared to what she had with an 18 month age gap and has repeated it ever since.

It’s incredibly annoying and I don’t have a close relationship with her or my FIL for this reason but I would never deprive them of a relationship with their DGC like you are. It’s totally normal for DGPs to want to have time alone with them - that’s how they create special times together and build memories. From what you’ve said they probably feel like you’re watching and scrutinising their every move which you’re there - it must be awful for them.

My own parents, who I get on incredibly well with, would be devastated if they could never have their DGC alone. None of my children’s DGPs put in place the same boundaries I do - just like my own DGPs didn’t put in place the same boundaries my parents did. That’s what DGPs are all about - they can “spoil” them and let them do things that aren’t usually allowed because it’s occasional and that’s how fun memories are made. I’m so so grateful I was allowed that relationship with my own DGPs and have memories I’ll treasure my whole life as a result and would never want my DC to miss out on that.

You’re being incredibly unfair to your in-laws, who just want to be close to your daughter and can’t build that bond with you watching over them but also unfair to your daughter who you’re depriving of what could be really special relationship in her life because of your own dislike for them.

Your MIL sounds annoying but you sound controlling and uptight. It’s hardly surprising that the relationship hasn’t developed when you won’t even let your daughter see her grandparents unsupervised for a couple of hours. You can lay out your rules clearly and then if they are broken, enact consequences but it’s been three years and they’ve not had time to spend with her alone once? That’s sad and you’re depriving her of a relationship with them.

I don’t agree with OPs attitude to her in-laws but your attitude to SAHMs is awful. How do you know how much help she has? It might be for a couple of hours twice a week.

Everyone, even SAHMs, need a break. It’s attitudes like yours that devalue the work women do at home as if they have it easy by not going out to work. It’s a 24/7 job, some people have partners who they can equally share domestic work with, others for various reasons, end up doing the vast majority of domestic work themselves - why shouldn’t they outsource support if they can afford it?

Your DD is 3 years old and you have never let them have her on their own?
How utterly mean. Everyone is annoying in their own way, even you, and you are just singling them out because everything they say is annoying to you

So you have decided you will deprive your child of a relationship with her grandparents. I imagine there is nothing they can do that is right. Very unfair, and you should be glad you have interested grandparents. You need to loosen up

Completely agree with @MajorCarolDanvers but I have a feeling that you are not going to bend and didn't come on here for that reason anyway OP.

It's lovely that they want to spend time with your DC which they want to do because they love them. Fair enough if overnight is too much - just explain that. You don't seem to think there is any risk involved. Not sure it's particularly healthy for you to be keeping a tally of past slights - and their perspective will be completely different to yours. Families aren't perfect (neither are you) and sometimes relationships with inlaws are tricky. Unbending a little would possibly build some bridges. I'm sure it's healthy for a child to spend time with wider family and build relationships with them rather than the paid help. I am sure your OH would be pleased about it too for his child's sake (rather than just keeping the peace as you imply). You seem to belittle him and his reasoning. BTW it's his child too and he should have equal say to you.

Out of interest, and if they are still around, do you/would you place the same restrictions on your own parents?

My MIL is a very manipulative woman. I know what she’s doing and I call her out on it when needs be. She is however, a fantastic Grandmother and the Grandkids love to be in her company.

Presumably you love your husband and think he’s a good person?

who raised him?

You sound so very up tight and like you’re just waiting for them to slip up so you can pounce on things and then hold them against them forever.

None of the examples you have given warrant not allowing them time with your DD. There are no safeguarding concerns, nothing to suggest that she would be unsafe with them. Just that they maybe wouldn’t do things in your exact precise way.

However that’s part of the joys of grand parentin. The grandparent bond is so so special, having this myself has been one of the greatest, most joyful things in my life. Seeing my DD have it with my parents now is beautiful. Do they occasionally let her have too much ice cream or stay up later than she would in my house? Yes. Will she live to tell the tale, absolutely, and with so much happiness.

Same. My daughter's grandmother has ignored her for years despite having been a great grandmother. I'd be thrilled to be in op's shoes.

This. Sound like a rich ass

They want to build more of a relationship with their grandchild. I see nothing odd about them wanting to have her for a sleepover. That’s a perfectly normal request and the fact you’d rather she spent time with a nanny speaks volumes.

You don’t like them but there’s no other reason to keep them at bay there. I would let them have more time with her and be happy that your child has other people that love her. Does your husband see things your way or would he like to spend time with his parents? He could take her to see them on his own occasionally.

Get over yourself

I would have loved for my in laws to show the slightest bit of affection for my kids, they haven’t spoken to them since my DH dies 6 years ago

Paid help
does exactly as they’re told, which you like.

You can dismiss them if you like.

You sound very controlling

Sure, but grandparents are her family. Like it or not she has the right to be a relationship with them and this can't always be on your terms. You're being obstructive to their relationship and underplaying the importance of family connections. It's not important to a child whether their caregiver follows the rules, it's important whether they love that child and are part of their family.