To not let MIL babysit

[loulalole]

My in laws are ok people, definitely nothing as dramatic as some of the things I’ve read on here, but we do not get on particularly well. It was more like death by a thousand paper-cuts than one big falling out, so whilst I can give examples of things they’ve done here, each on their own they aren’t too significant. But over years and years of them being like this to me… the relationship just isn’t there anymore.

My husband and I have a 3-year-old daughter, and lately, my in-laws have been pushing hard to babysit her alone, which I am completely against. They see her about once a month, either at our place or theirs, but I’m always present. They, however, seem determined to carve out alone time. At first, it was framed as a treat for us: “Why don’t you two go for lunch? We’ll watch her!” and when I explained that there’s no need, she has a nanny / housekeeper / my helper (I received a very large inheritance early which means that I am lucky enough to afford paid childcare and help around the house, whilst I am a SAHM, my DH is not paying for this) who can look after my daughter perfectly, knows how I want things done and does them to a standard we’re happy with, it turned into “but we want to have a go, we want time alone with her, we are grandparents so we deserve to”.

MIL’s even bigger wish is an overnight stay. But I’ve never left my daughter for a night, and I have zero need or desire to. And honestly, what do they want to do with her that they can’t do while we’re there? On top of that, I don’t trust them to follow instructions (what to feed her, when to sleep, what not to give her, what she’s allowed to do and what she isn’t) and really don’t see the need.

And just to paint a picture of what they’re like:
1. The first words out of their mouths when we got engaged? “You’re a lucky girl, Lou, aren’t you?”
2. A few days postpartum: “You didn’t have a C-section, did you?! That’s terrible for babies’ lungs.”
3. When we called from the hospital to say I’d just given birth, instead of “Congratulations! How are you feeling?” we got: “We’ll get ready to head over when you get home.” (That assumption locked in my decision: they weren’t visiting for a few days even after we’d got home.)
4. During a rare overnight stay at our house, I asked them to keep things calm before bed. MIL’s response was a breezy “I don’t think that’s necessary!” as she wound my daughter up right before sleep.

Individually, none of these are that bad. But after years of this? I just don’t have it in me to pretend.

Why do you need a housekeeper,nanny and helper, you have one child and you are a stay at home Mum? This sounds odd to me, then you want to deprive the Grandparents of a little bit of time with them.
Something does not add up, what do you do all day
If this is true , you are controlling everything and depriving the child of Grandparents time, although I do agree with you about not having her overnight.

You sound like an absolute nightmare OP. Think of when your child is older, they'll have no lasting memories of their loving grandparents because you wouldn't let them spend time with them. That's very selfish and cruel. You are controlling, wanting everything on your terms. How will you feel in years to come if you have grandchildren who you're not allowed a relationship with because of an overprotective parent?

This doesn’t sound normal one bit
my children love there relationship with there nanny, I also have fond memories off my Nan and great Nan growing up, they made my childhood
did something happen to you as a child for you to act like this?
why do you trust a stranger with your child more than your husband’s mother?

That's not the point. It's bonding. We have my partner's granddaughter once a week (for child care) and often at weekends. She's two, it's great fun. Bit sad you think she'd be better off with a nanny than grandparents.

You just don't like them, for some reason. I can't work out what the reason is, however. None of the examples you've given make your ILs seem unreasonable or unpleasant.
It's good for your child to build a relationship with their GPs. You should be encouraging this, not trying to avoid it happening.

Something does not add up; what do you do all day?

I was wondering the same thing.

It's probably worth remembering that 'paid help' can hand in their notice at any time to move to pastures new, leaving a big gap in your daughter's life.

I get that you don't like your in-laws, but really, you don't know that they'll hype your DD up on sugar just before bed, or any other such transgressions, because you haven't even given them a chance.

My in-laws and I didn't always see eye-to-eye (my MIL could be very interfering and bossy) but they cherish their grandson. And he, in turn, adores them. He still has weekly dinners with them (with XH mostly, but sometimes just him) and he's 17. And my relationship with them improved when I saw that despite our differences, they love him to bits and would do anything for him.

If the paid help got a better job offer they’d be off without a thought to your dd . Dgp want to spend time with her for love not money. I feel sorry for them.

I don’t trust them to follow instructions (what to feed her, when to sleep, what not to give her, what she’s allowed to do and what she isn’t)

It's sad that you don't trust your PIL to have her for a couple of hours without you. You worry they will give her something that they shouldn't - unless she has allergies, can they really not give their grandchild a cookie or something she wouldn't ordinarily have or let her stay up an extra 20 minutes as a treat?

It's nice for grandparents to spoil their grandchildren occasionally.

I think your are using your daughter to punish your in laws, which is pretty horrible.

Yoiu sound like hard work,

DGS is 14mths. We’ve babysat for him and had him for an overnight. We had such fun, he didn’t realise his parents had left him. He’s the absolute light of our lives and we utterly adore him. We don’t live near him so he FaceTimes us everyday, he’s full of smiles and interacts with us, then when we see him he comes straight to me without a second glance to his parents,

My paternal grandmother was my favourite person in the whole world. I had such a close relationship with her even after I’d grown up and got married. I’m forever grateful for the weekends and nights I got to spend with her

You sound very unpleasant and controlling.

But OP has said she can trust them

Op, no one's parents or in laws are perfect. Just like no parents are perfect. I think you're looking at this in a strange way...have you considered that your in laws want to develop a stronger relationship with your dd because they love her and midd her when they don't see her in a while? At 15 my dd STILL sees her nanna every day - not because I need the childcare (obviously) but because they have a really close relationship quite separate of me.

If you're not sure what the benefits are to your child, Google it and you'll find multiple research papers on the important role that Grandparents play in a child's development and in their ongoing wellbeing.

My maternal Grandma looked after me more times than I can count. We used to catch the ferry to Manly, then come home and have dinner and then watch Countdown( an Australian music show aimed at teenagers, she was 85yo)
My paternal Grandma looked after me many times particularly when my mum was rushed into surgery when I was 6 weeks old so Dad could stay at the hospital.
We had every xmas together and my maternal Grandma is one of my favourite people in the world even after she passed away,

I’m glad my DIL lets my DGD stay with us, and for sleepovers too . It does build a special closer bond without a doubt . I never asked my DIL for sleepovers, she started asking me herself as she could see we love her to death and she loves spending time with us. You sound cold and bitter . You are not doing your daughter any favours by clutching on to her so rigidly. You are denying her a relationship with her grandparents. You just don’t like them so you are being spiteful. You’d rather pay hired help who in no way could love her anymore than the grandmother. But you can control hired help and that it seems is what matters to you . I feel sorry for your husband too . And he should also get a say . Not just a one sided Nelly .
It makes me appreciate my DIL so much more.

I think your position is absolutely correct. I would not let your MIL watch your child alone until and unless you ever feel comfortable with it.

You husband and your husband should be at the center of your little family, along with your children. Everyone- and I mean everyone - else is outside that little inner circle.

They can be let in closer if their behavior and attitude toward all members of your immediate family is positive. And they should be kept out further if their behavior and attitude toward any member of your immediate family is negative.

Our first job as a nuclear family is to protect all of our members from outside negativity. Your MIL has shown repeatedly that she does not have your back and does not support you. Therefore, she needs to be kept at whatever distance necessary to keep her from being able to hurt/dismiss/disrespect you any further, or undermine your parenting.

Her pushing and demanding to get her own way about your child against your wishes is just more of the same problem behavior. You don't need to allow someone in closer when they already repeatedly show that they're trying to drive a wedge between you and your husband or you and your child, trying to compete with you for who runs your home or other problem behaviors.

Listen to your gut. No one had my DC overnight ever.

Wow I really hope I don’t experience any of this when / if I ever become a grandparent. You sound like really hard work op and I feel sorry for your in laws whom you clearly dislike. It sounds like you have twisted some pretty innocent-sounding and probably thoughtless remarks into a massive deal as you are actively looking for reasons to push them away from their grandchild.

Only on mumsnet do I ever come across such cynical, mean-spirited attitudes. And we wonder why as a society our communities and family support is breaking down. If confining yourself to your little bubble is what you want, you do you, op. But you are depriving your child of a relationship with her grandparents. My grandparents (paternal side) and in particular my granny, was one of the greatest influences in my life and my long summer holidays spent at their house by the sea are among my favourite memories.

I feel for you. Some of these comments must have never been in the heartbreaking situation with manipulative in laws who you don't trust.

Do what feels right for you, your instincts and keep yourself sane. You're right/ as she grows and communicates more effectively, you'll feel more settled with visits.

I had to draw the line with my MiL and now we are no contact .... which was entirely her decision but does make my life easier. It was a heartbreaking time but things got better

But would.you also never allow a couple.of hours with grandparents while you went out for lunch? I feel that's a bit extreme when no safety issues

YANBU. I'm 100% on your side here, and i think people that haven't experienced a family member who doesn't respect you or your boundaries just doesn't "get" why you'd loathe them having your child alone.
You know she won't stick to your ground rules, she'll get your daughter alone then try to parent her as she sees fit rather than be a caregiver inline with your wishes. Its knowing there will be blatant disrespect to you, whilst she lies to your face saying she'll follow your preferences.

You are compromising by allowing her to visit and be around whilst you're there, you haven't cut off contact, but she's not seeing or understanding that.

The comments and questions on why you're not pregnant with baby 2 are disgusting. No doubt she's so desperate for you to get pregnant as she'll pile on pressure to have DD alone under the guise of "giving you a rest" etc.

Paid help knows what she's doing in the best interests of the child, it's her source of income so she tries to do as good as job as she can to retain that source of income. Grandparents seem to treat her like a toy, for their own entertainment and self esteem

This just comes over to me as icy cold and a strange take on relationships.
The bond/relationship the child forges with hired help will, sooner or later, be cut short and disappear and may leave the child confused and upset. A relationship with grandparents will deepen and last for the rest of their lives.

I have a grandchild whom I adore, she's still a baby and her smile just melts me.
I couldn't have known the strength of love you have for a grandchild. It's unique.
Yes I play with her, yes I love the smiley rewards I get. And yes it makes me feel good just to have her around. The hired help will have no such depth of feeling.

It strikes me as a really sad situation for the child and her father and her grandparents who, let's face it, have her best interests in mind far more than any hired help who could disappear tomorrow.

Lol my dgs says I'm stricter than his parents