To not let MIL babysit

[loulalole]

My in laws are ok people, definitely nothing as dramatic as some of the things I’ve read on here, but we do not get on particularly well. It was more like death by a thousand paper-cuts than one big falling out, so whilst I can give examples of things they’ve done here, each on their own they aren’t too significant. But over years and years of them being like this to me… the relationship just isn’t there anymore.

My husband and I have a 3-year-old daughter, and lately, my in-laws have been pushing hard to babysit her alone, which I am completely against. They see her about once a month, either at our place or theirs, but I’m always present. They, however, seem determined to carve out alone time. At first, it was framed as a treat for us: “Why don’t you two go for lunch? We’ll watch her!” and when I explained that there’s no need, she has a nanny / housekeeper / my helper (I received a very large inheritance early which means that I am lucky enough to afford paid childcare and help around the house, whilst I am a SAHM, my DH is not paying for this) who can look after my daughter perfectly, knows how I want things done and does them to a standard we’re happy with, it turned into “but we want to have a go, we want time alone with her, we are grandparents so we deserve to”.

MIL’s even bigger wish is an overnight stay. But I’ve never left my daughter for a night, and I have zero need or desire to. And honestly, what do they want to do with her that they can’t do while we’re there? On top of that, I don’t trust them to follow instructions (what to feed her, when to sleep, what not to give her, what she’s allowed to do and what she isn’t) and really don’t see the need.

And just to paint a picture of what they’re like:
1. The first words out of their mouths when we got engaged? “You’re a lucky girl, Lou, aren’t you?”
2. A few days postpartum: “You didn’t have a C-section, did you?! That’s terrible for babies’ lungs.”
3. When we called from the hospital to say I’d just given birth, instead of “Congratulations! How are you feeling?” we got: “We’ll get ready to head over when you get home.” (That assumption locked in my decision: they weren’t visiting for a few days even after we’d got home.)
4. During a rare overnight stay at our house, I asked them to keep things calm before bed. MIL’s response was a breezy “I don’t think that’s necessary!” as she wound my daughter up right before sleep.

Individually, none of these are that bad. But after years of this? I just don’t have it in me to pretend.

Yup

Because the op can micromanage exactly how the hired help interacts with her dd, on pain of dismissal. Grandparents, not so easily controlled, but she’s having a good go at it!

I never understand those that don't let children stay with loving relatives. Are you so confident that your family will never have any kind of emergency that leaves you needing some type of overnight child care? So much easier for children to be quickly sent to a home they are familiar with and where they know they are loved . Obviously the hired help in this case would step in!!!

Never ever post but can't believe the amount of commenters challenging you on this! I also loved spending time with my grandparents but that doesn't mean I hand my child over to my in laws or my own parents just because they feel entitled to her.

She's not a pet to borrow, she is your child. They don't want you there so they can step into all the authority they feel comes with their titles while you're not there to steal their thunder. It's ego/status driven. Different situation maybe when she's older and she WANTS a sleepover or to go for tea of whatever with them but she's three... that's so young and she probably doesn't want to go anywhere without you yet anyway.

As an aside all the things your MIL have said to you are awful and if she really wanted a close relationship with your child maybe your husband should explain to her that that relationship started with you.

You’re the problem here OP.

Why wouldn’t you want your could to build relationships with people who love her?

Your dc can have a perfectly adequate relationship with her dgps without them playing House with her...

Does your child like spending time with her grandparents?

Most grandparents shower their grandkids with snacks and treats they'd have said no to as parents. It's not a daily thing so it's nothing to get worked up about.

If they were a danger in some way eg they drink and drive, or ignore allergies, or don't believe in car seats, or have an untrained dog that they think is a harmless "furbaby", or something then sure. But I don't think there needs to be a ban on them spending 1:1 time with their grandchild, it doesn't have to be overnight, it could just be a few hours in the day time where they take her to the park or something.

Well, they are your daughter's family, and they should be able to have a relationship with each other, which isn't based on the fact that you just don't like them that much, I think.

You sound crazy controlling tbh; she's 3 not 3 months. Does she really need to be sent off with a list of allowed foods and a nap schedule?

My DC spends a lot of time with my parents and less time with DH’s parents (we live abroad) and her relationship with them is so special and yes, absolutely would not develop in the same way if I wasn’t there. DC started having overnights around 2.5. Yes grandparents let her watch more tv than we do and she gets more treats, particularly from DH’s mum who panders to her an UNBELIEVABLE degree but no harm done. It’s completely worth it for her to get that time with them while they are still fit enough to watch her and she’s young enough to really love spending time with them. As she’s got older, she’s loved hearing about how grandparents grew up but also stories about me and DH.

Check out Alfie and Annie Rose books about time with their grandmother - great example of how cherished it can be.

By being so restrictive, you really are depriving your DC of an important relationship. I don’t get on great with my in laws but they’re perfectly nice people and wonderful grandparents.

I think your MIL sounds like hard work @loulalole.

But I think because she's been difficult with you, you're punishing her by hugely limiting her time with your DD. If this only affected your MIL, I'd say that it was sad but just unfortunate. But ultimately, you will affect your DD too. Relationships with GP are very valuable and important and you're so busy punishing your MIL that you can't see this.

Let her have an hour alone with DD occasionally.

Well the fact that you'll be watching them like a hawk and stepping in all the time, possibly...

What does your DH think?

You need to put your own sensitivities and needs aside and accept that the relationship that your child has with her grandparents is separate, and to some extent, nothing to do with you.
I agree with the previous poster - why is the time spent with your hired help more acceptable? Your child has needs beyond which you prescribe - that being a relationship with her grandparents. I understand you don't see eye to eye with your in-laws, many people don't. But you shouldn't let this prevent your child from forming a relationship with her grandparents. Quality time isn't necessarily time where you're observing/ controlling contact.
i agree with your position on overnight stays. That's not something I would readily agree too. But a couple of hours/day out with more sugar than usual? Absolutely
you sound very anxious about your child, like yoh need to be in control?

This is lunacy. My 3yo was pushing me out the door at granny’s house because she got to do “special” things there like weed the garden or play with a doll that lived at granny’s. Kids that age do have preferences! Grandparents know things are different when parents are there, it’s harder for them to really get to know the kiddo.

My parents didn’t want to spend time allow with my dc to steal my thunder FGS, but to build a relationship! Same reason anyone spends 1:1 time!

I'm not a grandma but my sister had 3 boys before my dd was born. I loved babysitting for them and taking them out/having them to stay. As pp said, it's about building a relationship with them. On my FB memories of the day today are pics of my eldest nephew with dh and l at Hever Castle, aged about 4.He's 27 now and still remembers that. The middle one, the spare bed was in with him and I remember lovely snuggles with him when he was tiny so as not to wake M&D too early after a night out. I never get these threads. Unless your family is genuinely horrible or a safety concern, why do people not want their kids to have the best relationship with them? Fair enough pushy MILs and tiny babies but...

I don't see the need for overnights either

But an afternoon every now and again would be fine

I also don’t understand grandparent demands to see the child without their parents. The only reason to do so would be if they plan to do something against the parents wishes. Time with grandparents is great, but absolutely no reason why the mum can’t be there.

Grandparents are so bloody entitled nowadays. Grandchildren are not your toys and not your chance to do it all again. If you fucked it up with your own kids, tough luck - you don’t get a do over.

You are controlling and depriving your DD of a close bond with her family. Your happy to send DD off with paid help where you feel you still hold all the control .

Grandparents only want grandchildren alone to do things that are against the parents wishes has to be one of the stupidest remarks I've seen on here.

Op I could’ve written your post and your updates, I’m surprised at the responses. I don’t think it’s good for dc to be around ‘unsafe’ (not scary danger unsafe, but untrustworthy unreliable unsafe) people, unsupervised. I consider my ILs unsafe because they do not listen to boundaries, they do not have DCs best interests at heart, only what they want and what suits them. I wouldn’t put dc in that position in any other scenario so being a blood relative doesn’t change that for me. To me it also isn’t best for my dc to be around someone who is normalising being so rude to people and I don’t want them hearing people being spoken to or about the way ILs do.

edited to add if dh is heavily emotionally manipulated, then dc will be too, and I personally don’t want that for my dc. Perhaps pp had lovely relationships with GPs and can’t see that all gps aren’t dgps

MIL sounds nasty.

Maybe if she was nicer to you you'd be more inclined to more visits

As it stands, she's manipulative and rude and she gets what she gets.

You're fine.

Manipulative grandparents can be hellish for little kids. Let's just say I didn't enjoy grandparent time with the narc grandma who cried and threw fits when she didn't get her way.

Would your daughter like to spend more time with your in laws? My children love spending time with their grandparents and they're all in their 70s so I'm aware they might not be able to do it forever. I know you've got paid help but that can't replace the bond you have with a family member. I get on ok with my in-laws, I wouldn't personally want to spend a night at their house but I know my children absolutely love it so I let them! There are hundreds of threads on here about grandparents who have zero interest in their grandchildren and parents who have to grieve that their children won't ever experience that special relationship. Your little one is lucky to be so loved and have interested grandparents who are still around so please let them enjoy it

I do think this is a valid point.
Even just little steps of spending some time with grandparents alone will help build a bigger bond. Obviously only what you are comfortable with, but if you’re prepared to leave your child with hired help perhaps you could widen this to building a relationship with grandparents.

Good grief, are you actually saying grandparents only want to spend time with their grandchildren to go against the parents wishes? You sound exceptionally bitter.

My in laws are probably my child’s favourite people (I like to think after me and my husband of
course)
they plough here with sweets, give her presents, let her stay up late etc.
it causes a few problems with expectations at other times during her week but she’s had the absolute best time at grandparents and the bit of time someone else has spent making her happy more than makes up the bit of frustration I have to put up with because of some of their choices.

You say MIL manipulates your DH with tears, but I suspect you are the problem and the drama you create over trivial things genuinely upsets your MIL. You are uptight and have listed the most petty things to get upset over. You seem determined to dislike your in laws and deprive them of time alone with your child simply because you can. Frankly, I find your attitude chilling.