Am I being unreasonable to give birth away from the child’s father because he doesn’t want to get married?

[Donesomethingsilly]

My partner has two children to a previous relationship, we have been together for a while. We have discussed getting married but he was reluctant as he wants to protect himself financially. I understood that, and took a risk and decided to have a child with him as we had a great relationship. Since getting pregnant it’s been rocky. I’m not a uk citizen, my family is on the other side of the world. I’m with family at the moment as I needed to get away. Am I being unreasonable to stay here and have the child with my support system around me? He can’t move here, or even visit because he has his children. I feel stuck between doing the right thing for all the children involved, or the right thing for myself.

Same.

He sounds like a great dad to his existing children, protecting their home. There is no way I would allow another adult into my home and let them have 50%. The house is my children’s. I have worked hard to provide a house for them. This is what you need to do OP rather than relying on a man who was quite clear what he wanted. You were silly thinking he was going to step up for someone he has known for three years. Good on him putting his children first.

I agree

What about the child's interests?

YABVU

So if he's not supportive now, (or have I misunderstood?), how would marriage magically make him supportive?

He's a good father to his kids & wants to keep his house for them.

Would that not also have applied to Op's child?

This is not how I read it.
I suggest you put glasses on, your empathetic side and read it again!!

Op, do what is right for you pleasing other people never end well.
If it's been rocky I'd say something has changed - stay with your family x

Having brought up children away from my support network and with a H who isn't awfully supportive, I would say stay with your family. Best move you can make.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. If you stayed with him the power balance is all in his favour. He could throw you out of his house, not pay maintenance and also potentially stop you taking your child back to your home country. I wouldn’t go back unless I was sure I had secure housing and an income to support myself.

I do think you should have thought about this more before becoming pregnant- there is an element of me that thinks this was bound to happen. Also you could have put yourself on a firmer financial footing by getting your own place and making sure you had savings well before now. I suspect now your child is going to see very little of its father or half-siblings which is a shame for the child.

You had a great relationship with him but he made clear there would be no marriage which you presumably wanted. That was the time to walk away.

He already had two children, but you went ahead to use him to enable your pregnancy, at which point your relationship suddenly went from great to rocky.

The writing is on the wall OP. He didn’t want marriage and another child.
You took an enormous risk, got cold feet and ran home for safety.

So now you have a moral dilemma. Is it fair to deprive your child of a father and if not, how to ensure and preserve that precious relationship.

Only if he shows absolutely no interest in supporting you and his baby, now you are away from him, would I be happy not to return to him. I would be thinking the relationship isn't salvageable. And I would resolve to make the best of things where I felt safe and supported.

It's not in the child's interests to have a homeless, isolated mum with no support network which would damage her mental health.

I would strongly support any woman to give birth with whatever company she chooses. I chose to give birth alone except for the midwife and have always felt that was the right choice under the circumstances for me. It's a deeply personal experience - potentially wonderful - don't let mere people ruin it for you.

But you need to be far clearer in your mind about how to proceed after the birth, the role the father will play, what you want from him versus what he is prepared to give. It sounds like you and he were not clear before because you are having a baby with a man who does not want to marry you. You have to be honest with yourself first about the future you can realistically work towards and how you will raise your child in a peaceful and secure coparenting (or single parenting) environment.

It would have been interesting if you'd done a poll OP. Often the large majority in the poll is different from the very vocal posters on a thread who are sticking the boot in.

Do what you want but he was upfront and communicated where he was at and somehow that’s his fault?
If there’s a drip feed I’ve not read it.

I suppose in an ideal world you would have used a donor but what's done is done. I'd give birth where your support network live as that's going to be better for you and the baby.

🤣🤣 i have zero idea what you're banging on about but the irnony isn't in what i said. Another poster also quoted the post i did and they understood similar to me. The op did not say she's now mad at the partner for not wanting to get married. I don't care what the 'opening post' said about him being reluctant, so what. Op never said she was mad. She said their relationship is now rocky. The post I quoted clearly said op is now mad. Op never said she was mad. Post i quoted said op is now mad.

If not were you, I'd focus on what's best for you and your child, which sounds like staying where you are, with family?

Everyone saying you're BU because you decided to get pregnant, I don't think that's really relevant - he's shown you he doesn't care about your child's security!

But she wouldn't be homeless. It's not a binary choice between owning 50% of her partner's house and being on the streets, is it? She is still able to live there, he just doesn't want to have to give her half of it if their relationship goes tits up. Because he has two existing children to look after.

It's up to her to build a support network. She's been in the UK for at least three years. Has she not had a job or made any friends in that time?

It's certainly not in her child's interests to be deprived of a relationship with their father and siblings and almost certainly denied their right to British citizenship.

Poor child, being used as a pawn in these games that you are playing

tbh I think this is exactly the right thing to do. If you have a child born in the uk you can never move back home to your support system. It’s wise what you are doing

It's in the child's interests to have a stable, comfortable home.

It's all very well to say to the OP, don't worry, you'll be housed if you have a child in the UK and he throws you out, as you/they will be vulnerable. But that's not necessarily the case and it may only be emergency accommodation. Hundreds of children in this country are growing up in unsafe single room accommodation in B&Bs with no space to play and limited access to cooking and washing facilities and that's considered ok because they're 'housed'.

This is not a country you want to be destitute in. OK, it's better than some, but if the OP can build a comfortable life where she's not dependent on an unstable relationship with family around to help, that's going to be much better for her child.

Why oh why do women continually get themselves fucked, especially financially. Story after story, thread after thread. Lessons are never learned.

She isn't talking about who is present when she gives birth, she's talking about whether to live in the same country as her child's father or on the other side of the world with her parents.