Am I being unreasonable to give birth away from the child’s father because he doesn’t want to get married?

[Donesomethingsilly]

My partner has two children to a previous relationship, we have been together for a while. We have discussed getting married but he was reluctant as he wants to protect himself financially. I understood that, and took a risk and decided to have a child with him as we had a great relationship. Since getting pregnant it’s been rocky. I’m not a uk citizen, my family is on the other side of the world. I’m with family at the moment as I needed to get away. Am I being unreasonable to stay here and have the child with my support system around me? He can’t move here, or even visit because he has his children. I feel stuck between doing the right thing for all the children involved, or the right thing for myself.

The irony is you telling another poster you’ve ’zero idea what you’re banging on about’, then posting something completely unintelligible.

The op has said in subsequent posts that her partner has the power to make it right, but won’t and has told him he either marries her or puts her on the deeds of the house or she’ll stay in her home country. Which very much indicates she’s still mad he won’t marry her.

If he doesn't want to marry you, you will be vulnerable here. Stay where you are with support around you.

Yes stay where you are with your family.

This man is not your family. He is not willing to commit to you and you are not a UK citizen, therefore your residence in the UK is precarious.

Children aren't playthings or commodities. FGS.

The phrase "you'll be housed" is an odd one, isn't it? It certainly seems to be what the OP expects.

In real life I don't know anyone who doesn't expect to have to get a job and pay for the roof over their head from their own income.

Definitely stay where you are with your support system, particularly if you're going ahead with the pregnancy (termination is always an option). If your recent relationship has been rocky you would be doing the wrong thing to put yourself and child in such a vulnerable position by returning to him and uncertainty.
Also, there's no reason why he should marry you - it's never been on the cards as far as he's concerned and you allowed this current situation to happen when you could have walked away before getting pregnant.

I agree.

This, and even in better circumstances a lot of new mums are isolated and depressed here when the don't have support. The idea that she can just quickly cobble together a support network that's even halfway comparable to what her family can offer is laughable.

I get that it's unfair on the dad but honestly he shouldn't have been thinking with his dick.

Definitely stay in your home country with your family. If you have the baby in his country the courts could stop you taking your child out of the country if you want to make the decision later.

I don’t think you’ve blackmailed him if he was on board with trying for a baby in the first place. He’s being very unreasonable to expect you to throw away all your financial security to have his child while he keeps his money to himself for his other children. You’ve made a mistake getting pregnant by him, but it’s done now. You need to look after yourself and your child because he’s made it clear that he’s not going to.

His house provides a home for his children. You have no claim to it. You have no claim to any money other than child maintence, at a reduced rate because he has other children to support.

You made a decision to get pregnant while not married, knowing he never wanted to get married. Using your unborn child to punish him is your choice but you won't be getting set up financially by him. He shouldn't need to lose his children's home because you made a bad decision.

Very true. You don't have any family in the UK. Or people who care about you. You do where you are now. Would you even be able to stay in the UK?

She doesn't have any financial security to throw away. She says she spent all her money on a stay in a hotel and a plane ticket home, which suggests that she can't have had more than a couple of grand in the bank.

Your poor child. Neither of you thought this through

But I feel like he is more concerned with keeping his house that having the baby and myself in his life

As someone who went through a dreadfully messy divorce, I am afraid I have to say here that I understand this. I will not be marrying again - and this is not because I'm bitter and hardened by my marriage - it is simply because I have fought long and hard to get to where I am now. I will not be giving anyone even the tiniest of opportunities to take any of that away from me or my children.

The difference, of course, is that I have not gone on to have children with anyone else. It's that which muddies the waters here because your child is also his child and he/she needs to be treated the same as their siblings. You can understand that with three children perhaps his desire to ensure his house is secure for his children is even more important? If you have a search of threads on here, there are many number of adult children who have lost everything when their parent died first and marriage tipped everything automatically into the step parent's hands.

I don't have any answers, except to say don't come back to the UK unless you are sure you want to stay here permanently. The longer you are away without him contesting it, the harder it will be for him to get you and the baby back into the UK from a legal perspective. If you come back, he can make it dreadfully difficult for you to go again and the fact you went in the first place could cast doubt over your reliability to bring a child back in the future if things get difficult. Then you're stuck.

I think your relationship is probably over. The key now is working out as amicably as you can, how you move forwards so your baby can know his/her siblings and maintain a good relationship with his/her dad. It's not impossible but it will take a level head to begin to make it work.

I agree

I get that it's unfair on the dad but honestly he shouldn't have been thinking with his dick.

He always told Op he didn't want to marry & she seemingly was happy to have a baby on those terms otherwise she wouldn't have been ttc either!

Having a baby with someone who has made it 100% clear he doesn’t ever want to get married and then leaving the country telling your partner you’ll only return if he marries you, or gives you 50% of his house is absolutely blackmail.

And op isn’t ‘throwing away her financial security’, because she never had any financial security.

Oh ffs, he decided to have a baby too, with a woman from another country and refused to provide her with any sense if security. HE took a big risk too, and it backfired on him. The double standards are fucking ridiculous.

OP it was stupid of you both to have a baby under these circumstances, but I think going home to give birth at least, was the most sensible thing to do. You don't need to sacrifice your happiness and security for him, he's just as responsible for his choices as you are.

After a short marriage and presumably entering with no assets
you wouldn’t be entitled to much anyway
just because your married doesn’t mean you can keep his house if u split

Since when has contraception been a woman's job? Men are able to buy and use condoms. Pretty low to suggest that only 50% of the relationship should take 100% of the responsibility for getting pregnant.

It’s tricky with a newborn though as nursery fees will eat up your income unless a v. High earner. Don’t know if op even has recourse to state funds (some foreign nationals don’t).

Obviously a poor decision to get pregnant but I think having baby where financially secure (due to family support)is sensible.

Leaving aside the baby / where to live... the core of the problem seems to be that the relationship has crumbled under the first real bit of pressure it has faced. He's been unsupportive during your pregnancy and your communication has broken down / can't cope with this. Do either of you still want to work on the relationship? Having seen a different side of him now, is he someone you trust to look after you, support you and who will deal with the pressures of a newborn?

Would you be entitled to any benefits if you were to have the baby in the UK and you split and he completely withdrew his support, leaving you homeless, without childcare and unable to work?

I would stay put for now where you have financial and emotional support and housing, ask to work on your relationship with some (online) relationship counselling to try and fix things (or at least negotiate the best way to split and maintain a co-parenting relationship).

It'll be easier for you to build a life and security if you've got a support network than if you are isolated. It's fine for him to protect his own interests but he must expect you to do the same.

If you actually want him to marry you, and you loved him, you needed to be clever about it!
Have the baby, start your family and perhaps he would soften and change his mind.

Now you’re blackmailing him you’ve probably
killed whatever trust he had.

I think he told you exactly that when he made it clear he didn't want to marry you. He hasn't been dishonest or even unclear. Yet you went ahead and got pregnant and, bluntly, put yourself in this position. Were you planning to use the baby as a bargaining tool? Or worse still as some sort of blackmail? Do you think you're punishing him by disappearing to the other side of the world, hoping he'll cave and beg you to come back? I don't think he will. You haven't "done something silly", you've done something extremely wrong and manipulative and I believe he'll see it as it is. As someone else implied, it does look like your pregnancy has an ulterior motive behind it.