Am I being unreasonable to give birth away from the child’s father because he doesn’t want to get married?

[Donesomethingsilly]

My partner has two children to a previous relationship, we have been together for a while. We have discussed getting married but he was reluctant as he wants to protect himself financially. I understood that, and took a risk and decided to have a child with him as we had a great relationship. Since getting pregnant it’s been rocky. I’m not a uk citizen, my family is on the other side of the world. I’m with family at the moment as I needed to get away. Am I being unreasonable to stay here and have the child with my support system around me? He can’t move here, or even visit because he has his children. I feel stuck between doing the right thing for all the children involved, or the right thing for myself.

It makes sense for you to stay in your home country to give birth if that is where your support system is. You could end up very isolated if you return to the UK and your partner doesn't step up and he could then make it difficult for you to return to your home country.

I am divorced with kids and have a nice house. There is no way I would be marrying a man or putting him on the deeds of my house just because we had a kid together. I am not an idiot. So why the OP thought this man would do this just because she's pregnant is madness. She's now got less power now she's pregnant not more.

He laid his cards on the table and said he wasn't going to marry her. She got pregnant anyway.

It's a regrettable situation and I doubt the OP will hear much from him.

If it's not too late in the OPs shoes I would consider terminating and getting on with my life, hopefully meeting a man who wants a family with me and wants to marry me. If she has his child both of those things become less likely.

I don't think sticking to the position that he has always held - that he doesn't want to get married or put her on the deeds to his house - is "not stepping up" though. He doesn't appear to have said that she and the baby can't continue to live with him, or that he won't support them financially.

Look at it from his point of view. If they split up and she's entitled to half his house, where are he and his existing children going to live?

The OP was talking about buying a property of her own, yet she apparently wiped out her own savings staying in a hotel for a while and buying a plane ticket home. She seems to be saying she's unable to support herself financially in any way and so her only options are being financially supported by a man in the UK or being financially supported by her parents in her home country. Getting pregnant should have been the furthest thing from her mind TBH. And now she is going to have a baby who won't get to have much of a relationship - or perhaps any relationship - with their father, siblings and extended maternal family.

I don't think it's wrong to stay in your home country if the relationship has become rocky.
In an ideal world every child would be born into a loving, lifelong relationship but it's not an ideal world.
You have taken some risks through becoming pregnant. He has taken risks through fathering a child with a non uk citizen.
In your shoes, if their is the slightest chance that if you come back to the UK, he can stop you returning to ?Oz/NZ? wherever with the child I would stay put.

OK. I actually think you have made a wise decision, given you can only move forward, not backwards in time.

If you had stayed in UK, he could have legally prevented you from leaving the country with your baby. Given how volatile your relationship is, I wouldn’t risk that in a million years. By giving birth where your support system is, you ensure your child is ordinarily resident in that country.

I would stay put. I would see if he bothers visiting. Is there any way to claim child maintenance from him from the country you are in?

Honestly I would just build a life there.

We have discussed getting married but he was reluctant in the opening post on this thread.

I don't think you read this posters comment, ironically, which references 'he said' not 'she said'.

Presumably he was thinking that he and his partner were starting a family. Whereas she was thinking about how to use him to get pregnant and then skip the country.

And she doesn’t have a cat in hell’s chance of getting maintenance from him if she’s living abroad. There’s not a court that would be able to enforce it. and if I were him I’d be demanding a DNA test, which the OP would have to come back t the UK for, and then I would do everything in my power to prevent the child from being allowed to leave the country.

So you knew he was protecting his house, which shows he isn't very committed to you, and had a kid anyway? And only now you're considering all the children involved?

I don't think she's considering any of the children involved.

Protecting his house shows he's committed to the children he already has, and so he should be.

Hope you get a good job OP because courts ruled that every second visit must be jn the father's home country and the mother had to pay for the cost of getting the child there. So in the beginning that meant paying for flights for her and the child, paying accommodation for her while she was staying in the country. Now the child is 11 and the mother pays for flights for both to the father's country, flies home, flies back to collect her and flies home again. Sometimes they might meet half way if it works out. Every second visit the dad flies out to the mothers home country.
(This is what the child wants by the way before anyone starts, she wants to visit the fathers home country and her extended family!)

I agree with this.

But I think you were BOTH very unreasonable to plan having a baby with all these unresolved issues.

But then you'd have to support the child, which you clearly have no interest in doing. This is a guy who likes the idea of more children as long as their mothers are carrying all the risk. Surrogacy on the cheap.

You are wrong and cruel and stupid. This man was clear that he did not want to marry again something you knew and which was important to you. Yet you still decided to get pregnant and it sounds like you are trying to force his hand into marriage. You have taken off to the other side of the world and say you will only go back for marriage or money. You are being manipulative. You never should have got pregnant under these circumstances half a world away from your support network. What’s to stop you taking off every time you don’t get your way even if he does marry you. You sound immature and selfish. Regardless if you are married or not this man could be a fantastic father and your baby could build a great relationship with its half siblings. You can still work and build your financial stability and parent together but it sounds ke you want him to marry you and be your financial stability. No doubt he will support his child but you should be self sufficient and building your own financial security. Even if he married you I doubt it would last but because you are not getting your way you have stropped off to the other side of the world. Red flag and most likely to make him double down so now what? The baby loses out on a relationship with its father, half siblings and one set of grandparents, aunts and uncles but who cares you got what you wanted and noone else gets a say?

@Wtafdidido that's a whole lot of ranting right there.

@PurpleDiva22 that is not not necessarily what would happen in OP's case. He doesn't sound like he'll pursue it to that extent.

OP for God's sake stay where you are.

I think you need to stay with your family. If you go back to him them then you are very dependent on him and that doesn't sound reliable. But most importantly I think if the baby is born in his country he could block you leaving with it, so you would be trapped there until the child is an adult.

Best thing all round would be an abortion

Not sure where you are getting this from. They were in a stable relationship and living together. Many people in the UK have children in that sort of situation. It might not be the wisest plan, particularly from the mother's point of view, but it does not mean that the father only sees the mother as a surrogate.

@MissScarletInTheBallroom but OP is the one who can commit to this child wholly. The father seems to show no signs of being willing to do that. OP should stay where she KNOWS she can care for her child, not go to a country where her situation will be very precarious and her child will be fourth priority after two other children and a house.

Thank you! So kind of you

In the OP’s situation it seems unlikely that the baby’s father would be on the birth certificate if the baby was born abroad. Therefore the baby would not automatically have British citizenship through the father.

If she can only care for her child as long as someone else is paying for the roof over her head, that's not great, really, is it?

Instead of staying under the roof that her child's father is providing, allowing her child to have a relationship with his or her father and siblings, and making a longer term plan to get a job and save for her own future, she's gone back to mummy and daddy's house in Australia or wherever and her child may never see their father or siblings.

I’m a bit confused as you said you were planning on buying a flat but now you are not working and would struggle to pay for flights. It seems that you panicked with him stating he was financially protecting himself. Maybe in time he would have changed his mind but could you have waited to be pregnant and you may have been more secure. Were you questioning his commitment to you? It doesn’t matter now as you are pregnant but clearly he isn’t providing you with what you feel you need. Long term how do you feel about not being with him and being a single parent? I see you’ve told him you’re not coming back I wonder if you think it will change his behaviour, it sounds as if you’ve been testing his responses since you became pregnant. You need to do what makes you happy at the end of the day.

Not being a man hater like most Mumsnetters I would LOVE to hear his side of the story. I wonder if it is something along the lines of “I made a mistake of not wrapping up as I thought she was on the pill and now she is blackmailing me to get married or she is taking my baby to live in another country, I fucked up but I’m not marrying her”

Stay where you are OP. You are going to need your support system. Your dp is protecting his interests, so you do the same.

I haven't RTWT, but I think you're being very sensible moving now (i.e. while you still can). You are in a very vulnerable position and away from your family, and let's face it, if things are rocky now the likelihood of them getting better when the baby is born is slim. It is obviously not ideal for your baby to grow up without their father BUT if you have support and access to stable accomodation in your home country, that is far preferable than a child growing up with a homeless, stressed and very alone mother.