Am I being unreasonable to give birth away from the child’s father because he doesn’t want to get married?

[Donesomethingsilly]

My partner has two children to a previous relationship, we have been together for a while. We have discussed getting married but he was reluctant as he wants to protect himself financially. I understood that, and took a risk and decided to have a child with him as we had a great relationship. Since getting pregnant it’s been rocky. I’m not a uk citizen, my family is on the other side of the world. I’m with family at the moment as I needed to get away. Am I being unreasonable to stay here and have the child with my support system around me? He can’t move here, or even visit because he has his children. I feel stuck between doing the right thing for all the children involved, or the right thing for myself.

Probably the conscious decision to have a baby with this man, knowing he wasn’t offering any of these things. And then use her unborn child as a blackmail tool to get him to change his mind?

There are a lot of people on this thread who think that someone is never entitled to change their viewpoint.

The OP may have thought that she'd be ok with having a baby in the present circumstances but when you're facing the cold, hard reality of having and supporting a baby with someone you no longer really trust and who you suspect isn't that committed to you (and perhaps your child too) in financially precarious circumstances where your housing and wellbeing depend on having a functioning relationship with that person, it's enough to focus the mind on whether being closer to the family you trust isn't perhaps the better solution for both you and the child.

You can chamge your viewpoint, sure. But ultimately, your choices will have led to a child growing up away from its father and paternal family because of your stupid fucking decisions. So yeah, you can change your mind about having a baby with a man who never promised anything about committing to you in a legal way, but you’ll be the asshole who willingly had a baby with a man who never wanted to commit
to you and then denied that baby access to half of its family.

Having an involved father is sadly not a given for children even if they live in the same house as their father. This might have some posters up in arms but statistically, most fathers are shit in some way, it's just a scale of shitness. It ranges from not pulling their weight and shouldering 50% of the burden of raising a child, to not paying for their children, to actual abuse at the far end of the spectrum.

Contact with a caring father is usually beneficial for a child, yes, but it's not the trump card in terms of the child's welfare that some people seem to think it is. Having a secure stable home, sufficient material resources and an emotionally available primary caregiver who is not suffering extreme stress are often far more important.

The fact that the OP deliberately got pregnant despite knowing the situation and her baby's father hasn't actually done anything wrong?

If he was abusive in some way then yes, getting out while she still could would be a no trainer.

The difference is - her partner didn’t ever do anything but be honest about his feelings

it doesn’t matter!! His terms on which he was prepared to conceive with her were unreasonable. At the time she thought they would work for her and the baby. She’s realised they don’t . For very good reasons. That’s totally fair enough .
The worst she’s guilty of is being a bit naive- the same can’t be said of her partner.

Whether you think that makes him selfish or whatever, those are his boundaries and he’s entitled to have them

Oh god. Not this “boundaries” crap. Having “boundaries” doesn’t mean you get to do whatever the fuck you like without blame or consequence.
If I decide to have a baby but my “boundaries” are, I never intend to pay any child support - am I “entitled to have them”?cos they are my “boundaries”. No. Cos It’s against the law.

OP’s partners “boundaries” aren’t illegal granted, but they do put her in a position where she has no housing or financial security- trapped in a foreign country with no family support and no ability to leave . she is absolutely correct not to subject herself to them, and if the partner doesn’t like it he’s very free to make different choices.

Thats it.

His terms on which he was prepared to conceive with her were unreasonable. At the time she thought they would work for her and the baby.

Absolute nonsense.

His terms were that he didn't want to put his existing children's home at risk, which is entirely reasonable.

She went ahead and decided to TTC on those terms, on the basis that she thought she could blackmail him into changing his mind later.

If she only wanted to have a baby near her "support network" then she should have TTC with a man who actually lives near her support network.

If she only wanted to have a baby with the protection of marriage then she should have TTC with a man she was married to.

It's as simple as that.

She openly admits in her own posts that she is effectively blackmailing him and she doesn't believe that what she is doing is in anyone's best interests except her own.

It's wrong to deprive her child of half their family because her stupid decisions backfired.

His terms were that he didn't want to put his existing children's home at risk, which is entirely reasonable.

what does this mean exactly? You keep referring to “half the house” but - once again - putting OP on the deeds doesn’t mean she automatically gets half. They can be tenants in common , for example, and he can protect his other children’s share if needs be. There are plenty of ways of arranging things. OP’s paying half his mortgage FFS!

If OP’s partner wanted all his resources to go to his existing children , and he didn’t want to share them with a new family, he shouldn’t have made the decision to start a new family with OP. Simple as that.

you are honestly being ridiculous.
OP isn’t depriving this child of “half its family”. She is having a baby, she needs to be in a secure position to raise this child. That’s basic common sense.
Her partner has the power to work with her to ensure that is possible in the UK- he won’t- that’s on him- so she needs to look into other options where she’s confident she can manage it alone. That’s in her home country.

It’s as simple as that.

statistically, most fathers are shit in some way

Oh really? Where is your source for this statistic please?

OP’s paying half his mortgage FFS!

No, she never said that.

Of course she's depriving her child of half their family. She's moved to the other side of the world from the child's father and entire paternal family and has informed him by text that he won't be having a relationship with his child. That's despicable behaviour.

What has she done to deserve being made a tenant in common (who would have the power to force a sale and take her share) of a house that he owns?

Why hasn't she saved some money towards a deposit for a house that they could buy together?

You are making the sensible choice OP. X

Yes she did

No she didn't.

There is study upon study showing men don't pull their weight as parents and husbands, often don't pay for their children when NRPs and make up the majority of domestic abusers.

Maybe particular men are trustworthy but as a group trusting them is quite a high risk strategy.

No, she didn’t. She said she was ‘paying towards the bills’. ‘Half’ was never stated - you’ve made that bit up.

Where are the studies that show ‘most fathers’ are shit in some way? Because that’s really quite the claim.

Right- half wasn’t stated, but you’ve also conveniently left out that she said she was paying towards the mortgage as well as bills . I wonder why ? 🤔

So not only is this man refusing to commit and help support the new family he’s created, he’s actively making money off her.

Erm, she’s living in the house - why wouldn’t she pay to live there?! Insane! 😂 Do you think tenants shouldn’t pay rent because it’s helping the landlord pay the mortgage?!

Totally reasonable to stay with your family where you feel safe and supported while you give birth but you need to accept this may end the relationship with the child’s biological father. So ask yourself is he likely to be a good father and partner . Your unborn child needs a safe supported environment the presence of their biological father is not necessary.
What ever you decide I would consider not naming the father when you register the birth of your child.

Sorry new to this and seem to have posted on wrong thread

He’s not her landlord, he’s her partner . She’s not his tenant, she’s the mother of his baby.
If you think it’s acceptable for him to make money/ capital off her , as if they were in a landlord/ tenant relationship , then I cannot help you m’dear.
I sincerely hope you have better standards for yourself, but if you don’t, the least you could do is stop dragging other women down with you.

No I think you have posted on the right thread x

Shes paying towards living in a house she doesn’t own. If this was a man, living in his female partner’s house and was paying towards living there but his partner didn’t want to put him on the deeds- would you say she was selfish? Or just protecting her assets?

The double standards are crazy.

Anyway - I’ve spent far too much of my time thinking about this entirely made up scenario!

Honestly I find your double standards are great too. Have you not noticed this? You don’t expect the ex to put himself out at all.

If a man put his health, body, career etc etc at risk to birth my baby then I would hedge the risk. He would not be bearing that alone.