Page 20 | Am I being unreasonable to give birth away from the child’s father because he doesn’t want to get married?

Donesomethingsilly · 2025-02-28T02:30:33+00:00

My partner has two children to a previous relationship, we have been together for a while. We have discussed getting married but he was reluctant as he wants to protect himself financially. I understood that, and took a risk and decided to have a child with him as we had a great relationship. Since getting pregnant it’s been rocky. I’m not a uk citizen, my family is on the other side of the world. I’m with family at the moment as I needed to get away. Am I being unreasonable to stay here and have the child with my support system around me? He can’t move here, or even visit because he has his children. I feel stuck between doing the right thing for all the children involved, or the right thing for myself.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 01/03/2025 17:42

OutsideLookingOut · 01/03/2025 17:39

Should have, could have, would have. I deal with what is happening now. That is where my advice comes from.

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What is happening now is that she is having this man's baby and so she should own the consequences of her stupid decisions and return to the UK so her child can have a relationship with both their parents.

The time to say, "If you won't marry me I'm going back to Australia" was before having unprotected sex.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 01/03/2025 18:02

OutsideLookingOut · 01/03/2025 17:42

I don't know how often I repeat it but making sure you are supported is important for your future child. She should not be the one taking all the risk. Also statistically mothers are more likely to be the primary parents. Also standards of great fathers is generally lower than for even the average mother. OP protecting herself financially and with a support system is very important for both her and her child.

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Sorry, but the OP being better supported is not more important than her child's right to have a relationship with both parents.

Plenty of women raise children with no support whatsoever, in far worse circumstances than the OP's. The OP had a partner and a perfectly adequate roof over her head. She was being supported well enough to feel confident trying for a baby with this man despite having almost no money in the bank and no ring on her finger. She's just having a strop because her attempt at blackmail hasn't worked.

She should put her big girl pants on, come back, try to fix the situation with her partner, and in the long term work on getting a job, saving money and building a better support network in the UK if she feels she doesn't have one.

Tandora · 01/03/2025 18:08

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 01/03/2025 17:06

I'm placing value on an unborn child who deserves to have a relationship with both their parents and not used as collateral by one parent to extort money from the other.

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It’s much better for the child for OP to stay with her family where she will have security and help. No child benefits from having a homeless mother.

If the dad cares about a relationship with his child he has the power/ choice to make that happen.

OutsideLookingOut · 01/03/2025 18:11

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 01/03/2025 18:02

Sorry, but the OP being better supported is not more important than her child's right to have a relationship with both parents.

Plenty of women raise children with no support whatsoever, in far worse circumstances than the OP's. The OP had a partner and a perfectly adequate roof over her head. She was being supported well enough to feel confident trying for a baby with this man despite having almost no money in the bank and no ring on her finger. She's just having a strop because her attempt at blackmail hasn't worked.

She should put her big girl pants on, come back, try to fix the situation with her partner, and in the long term work on getting a job, saving money and building a better support network in the UK if she feels she doesn't have one.

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People having it worse will never be a reason I do anything not the way I would give advice. Many women put themselves and therefore their children in the worst of positions following this type of advice. Many women are conditioned to be suckers and that is sad but I would never recommend that to anyone. OP please make sure you get the best support you can for you and your baby.

After a break up many fathers choose not to see their children even when they see their other kids. Many fathers choose not to support their children or certain children. If the mother does not have her finances in check and a support system is the kids who suffer. One of the best thing a woman can do for her children is to be financially secure and have a great support system.

OP was wrong to have a baby with a man who would not marry her or support her in the way she wanted but she does not have to make a bad situation worse. Her priority should be support for herself (during pregnancy) and her child.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 01/03/2025 18:11

Tandora · 01/03/2025 18:08

It’s much better for the child for OP to stay with her family where she will have security and help. No child benefits from having a homeless mother.

If the dad cares about a relationship with his child he has the power/ choice to make that happen.

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The child's father and half siblings ARE their family. Closer family than the extended family that the OP has gone back to.

There was no question of the OP being homeless, this is pure hyperbole.

I also reckon her partner might have been more open to the idea of marriage and shared home ownership if she was bringing literally anything to the table. How on earth did she have so little to show for her time in the UK that she wiped out her savings on a hotel and a plane ticket? Would you marry someone so financially irresponsible? I wouldn't.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 01/03/2025 18:14

OutsideLookingOut · 01/03/2025 18:11

People having it worse will never be a reason I do anything not the way I would give advice. Many women put themselves and therefore their children in the worst of positions following this type of advice. Many women are conditioned to be suckers and that is sad but I would never recommend that to anyone. OP please make sure you get the best support you can for you and your baby.

After a break up many fathers choose not to see their children even when they see their other kids. Many fathers choose not to support their children or certain children. If the mother does not have her finances in check and a support system is the kids who suffer. One of the best thing a woman can do for her children is to be financially secure and have a great support system.

OP was wrong to have a baby with a man who would not marry her or support her in the way she wanted but she does not have to make a bad situation worse. Her priority should be support for herself (during pregnancy) and her child.

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She's literally admitting that her child is not her priority because she has chosen to put herself first.

Tandora · 01/03/2025 18:15

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 01/03/2025 18:11

The child's father and half siblings ARE their family. Closer family than the extended family that the OP has gone back to.

There was no question of the OP being homeless, this is pure hyperbole.

I also reckon her partner might have been more open to the idea of marriage and shared home ownership if she was bringing literally anything to the table. How on earth did she have so little to show for her time in the UK that she wiped out her savings on a hotel and a plane ticket? Would you marry someone so financially irresponsible? I wouldn't.

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There was no question of the OP being homeless, this is pure hyperbole
Uh
it’s really not.

If you want to live in a situation where you are entirely trapped and subject to the control of a man- (a man who was willing to get your pregnant but refuses to commit or provide you with any security, in a relationship that is increasingly unstable)- dependent on appeasing him to maintain a roof over your head- then more fool you.

But please stop telling other women they have to do this, because they really don’t. And please stop telling them it’s good for their children, because it really isn’t.

OutsideLookingOut · 01/03/2025 18:15

Tandora · 01/03/2025 18:08

It’s much better for the child for OP to stay with her family where she will have security and help. No child benefits from having a homeless mother.

If the dad cares about a relationship with his child he has the power/ choice to make that happen.

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This! Has anyone watched Life take Two on YouTube? This woman was left with nothing and several children to take care off. Even marriage won’t fully protect you in all cases. But most of the time women as primary carers are left picking up the pieces. After her ex left he didn’t even stay in contact with his kids and he was a great dad 🙄

7

OutsideLookingOut · 01/03/2025 18:20

The same could be said of her ex except you never would because only the woman needs to suffer to you. If he put his child first he would have made offers and tried to compromise with OP. After all what would best for his child? It may not be best for him but that is inconceivable for you, only OP should take on all risk, even though the risks from doing this will be worse for her child.

And her suffering will not help her children. Look at all the stories of women left abandoned by partners? Even those who see their kids may not financially support them even if they can.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 01/03/2025 18:23

Tandora · 01/03/2025 18:15

There was no question of the OP being homeless, this is pure hyperbole
Uh
it’s really not.

If you want to live in a situation where you are entirely trapped and subject to the control of a man- (a man who was willing to get your pregnant but refuses to commit or provide you with any security, in a relationship that is increasingly unstable)- dependent on appeasing him to maintain a roof over your head- then more fool you.

But please stop telling other women they have to do this, because they really don’t. And please stop telling them it’s good for their children, because it really isn’t.

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If you deliberately get pregnant whilst living in the house of a man who has said he doesn't want to give you a share of ownership in that house when you have almost no money in the bank then yes, more fool you.

But there is absolutely nothing to suggest that her partner, who is, by her own admission, a great dad to his existing children, would have made her or their child homeless.

Perhaps the best thing for this child would be for the OP to give them to their father to raise.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 01/03/2025 18:24

OutsideLookingOut · 01/03/2025 18:20

The same could be said of her ex except you never would because only the woman needs to suffer to you. If he put his child first he would have made offers and tried to compromise with OP. After all what would best for his child? It may not be best for him but that is inconceivable for you, only OP should take on all risk, even though the risks from doing this will be worse for her child.

And her suffering will not help her children. Look at all the stories of women left abandoned by partners? Even those who see their kids may not financially support them even if they can.

This man already has a good track record of supporting his kids though, doesn't he?

He's coming across as a lot more responsible than the OP.

Tandora · 01/03/2025 18:25

OutsideLookingOut · 01/03/2025 18:20

The same could be said of her ex except you never would because only the woman needs to suffer to you. If he put his child first he would have made offers and tried to compromise with OP. After all what would best for his child? It may not be best for him but that is inconceivable for you, only OP should take on all risk, even though the risks from doing this will be worse for her child.

And her suffering will not help her children. Look at all the stories of women left abandoned by partners? Even those who see their kids may not financially support them even if they can.

Exactly. The double standards are insane

OutsideLookingOut · 01/03/2025 18:27

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 01/03/2025 18:24

This man already has a good track record of supporting his kids though, doesn't he?

He's coming across as a lot more responsible than the OP.

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OP also says he wasn’t supportive in her pregnancy which you continually ignore but if you doubt that then doubt her claims he is a great dad too. What does great dad mean? Would he have or even want his kids full time? We don’t know? It’s all speculation. Does he support his kids? What does his kid’s mum say? Unless OP elaborates we will never know.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 01/03/2025 18:36

I very much doubt the OP will elaborate.

But the fact that she sent him a text to say he won't get to have a relationship with his baby tells us a lot about what kind of person she is.

Even she doesn't believe this is in her baby's best interests, so no idea why you do.

Tandora · 01/03/2025 18:37

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 01/03/2025 18:23

If you deliberately get pregnant whilst living in the house of a man who has said he doesn't want to give you a share of ownership in that house when you have almost no money in the bank then yes, more fool you.

But there is absolutely nothing to suggest that her partner, who is, by her own admission, a great dad to his existing children, would have made her or their child homeless.

Perhaps the best thing for this child would be for the OP to give them to their father to raise.

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Perhaps the best thing for this child would be for the OP to give them to their father to raise.

im not the least bit surprised you suggested this

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 01/03/2025 18:47

Tandora · 01/03/2025 18:37

Perhaps the best thing for this child would be for the OP to give them to their father to raise.

im not the least bit surprised you suggested this

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He is the only one of the two who seems to be in a position to support a child, is he not?

SwingTheMonkey · 01/03/2025 19:17

OutsideLookingOut · 01/03/2025 18:27

OP also says he wasn’t supportive in her pregnancy which you continually ignore but if you doubt that then doubt her claims he is a great dad too. What does great dad mean? Would he have or even want his kids full time? We don’t know? It’s all speculation. Does he support his kids? What does his kid’s mum say? Unless OP elaborates we will never know.

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Op won’t elaborate because this is all made up.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 01/03/2025 19:20

SwingTheMonkey · 01/03/2025 19:17

Op won’t elaborate because this is all made up.

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Let's hope it is.

Tandora · 01/03/2025 19:21

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 01/03/2025 18:47

He is the only one of the two who seems to be in a position to support a child, is he not?

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OP is in a position to support her child’- in her home country. But you are insisting it would be unspeakably cruel to deprive the child of his/ her father and blaming that on OP (despite the fact that it’s entirely in the man’s power to change that if he wants). Yet of course you think it’s more than reasonable to deprive a child of their mother, and that no doubt is still the OP’s fault. Funny how that all works in your mind.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 01/03/2025 19:27

Tandora · 01/03/2025 19:21

OP is in a position to support her child’- in her home country. But you are insisting it would be unspeakably cruel to deprive the child of his/ her father and blaming that on OP (despite the fact that it’s entirely in the man’s power to change that if he wants). Yet of course you think it’s more than reasonable to deprive a child of their mother, and that no doubt is still the OP’s fault. Funny how that all works in your mind.

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It's not OP who will be supporting her child, it's whoever's house she is now living in.

SwingTheMonkey · 01/03/2025 19:27

Tandora · 01/03/2025 19:21

OP is in a position to support her child’- in her home country. But you are insisting it would be unspeakably cruel to deprive the child of his/ her father and blaming that on OP (despite the fact that it’s entirely in the man’s power to change that if he wants). Yet of course you think it’s more than reasonable to deprive a child of their mother, and that no doubt is still the OP’s fault. Funny how that all works in your mind.

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It is, 100% op’s fault. Her partner was never anything other than honest about his feelings. Most people who weren’t on the same page regarding the future would cut losses and move on. But op went ahead anyway and got pregnant. This situation is 100% on her.

Not that the situation is real - the op posted a few controversial replies and has never been back 🤔

Tandora · 01/03/2025 19:41

SwingTheMonkey · 01/03/2025 19:27

It is, 100% op’s fault. Her partner was never anything other than honest about his feelings. Most people who weren’t on the same page regarding the future would cut losses and move on. But op went ahead anyway and got pregnant. This situation is 100% on her.

Not that the situation is real - the op posted a few controversial replies and has never been back 🤔

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But op went ahead anyway and got pregnant

with the power of the Holy Spirit 🤣

SwingTheMonkey · 01/03/2025 19:47

Tandora · 01/03/2025 19:41

But op went ahead anyway and got pregnant

with the power of the Holy Spirit 🤣

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The difference is - her partner didn’t ever do anything but be honest about his feelings. Whether you think that makes him selfish or whatever, those are his boundaries and he’s entitled to have them. Op, knowing his feelings, forged ahead regardless. He didn’t make promises he reneged on after the baby was conceived- he never promised anything. You are an idiot and have no one else to blame if you purposely get pregnant despite being told unequivocally that your partner will never marry you or share property.

Bigcat25 · 01/03/2025 19:57

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 01/03/2025 18:23

If you deliberately get pregnant whilst living in the house of a man who has said he doesn't want to give you a share of ownership in that house when you have almost no money in the bank then yes, more fool you.

But there is absolutely nothing to suggest that her partner, who is, by her own admission, a great dad to his existing children, would have made her or their child homeless.

Perhaps the best thing for this child would be for the OP to give them to their father to raise.

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Agree, and he would pay child support if they broke up, and op would work. There's no reason to think they'd be homeless.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 01/03/2025 20:02

Isn't the usual MN position for a mum to be to come back to the UK rather than risk having a baby in a country that might mean being trapped there for 19+ years?

The other MN position is usually to insist that unless she's on the deeds, only marriage should give the father any rights/the baby his surname.

What's different here?