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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to ask for money from in-laws whilst their son stays?

238 replies

Lilacbluewaters · 26/02/2025 21:27

Just wondering what people’s takes on this are. We have my husbands little brother (he’s 13) stay over at our house in some of the school holidays. Purely because he just likes to be with us and he will stay for around a week. Also our nephew comes too and so when we have to fork out food for both of them (especially things like McDonald’s) it adds up!
so we usually ask for a bit of money whilst he’s here just for things like snacks/treat night when we get a McDonald’s. I usually ask for £10-£20. Not that this matters but we are a low income family and they know that, we love having him with us but I just feel it’s the principal of it that they should give at least £10 to cover some things? Aibu? His dad said no because we are family we shouldn’t ask for money but I think they should offer! I wouldn’t send my children for a week and not give any money

OP posts:
MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 27/02/2025 21:34

Hwi · 26/02/2025 22:33

Who says you have to go to MDonald's? Why can't you feed them with pasta (60 p a packet) and home-made cheap vegetable sauces? Say 'we are a low income family, we don't go to MDonald's. This is what we eat'. Problem solved. What you suggest is awful and penny-pinching. There is low income and there is cheap. Don't do that. If they start disliking pasta, they don't have to come and stay with you.

Yeah - I didn't get why the McDonald's

AnnHedonia · 27/02/2025 21:42

KilkennyCats · 27/02/2025 09:32

I don’t really get your point?
Op wants more than she can afford 🤷🏻‍♀️
What would your solution be, then; set up a Go Fund Me?
She can’t afford to feed four extra children, whatever she wants.

Could you be looking down your nose at OP any more? Is it really necessary to keep reiterating 'can't afford' with such disdain?

Susan7654 · 27/02/2025 21:51

The refusal to give money when you asked is shameless. Horrible really.

Susan7654 · 27/02/2025 21:54

And don't listen to other saying that macdonalds in not necessary. Of course kids like to be treated, and that's that.
It's very very inconsiderate that your in-laws don't give their son money to pay for himself when you go out.

bridgetreilly · 27/02/2025 22:32

Susan7654 · 27/02/2025 21:54

And don't listen to other saying that macdonalds in not necessary. Of course kids like to be treated, and that's that.
It's very very inconsiderate that your in-laws don't give their son money to pay for himself when you go out.

They may like to be treated but it certainly doesn’t mean they have to be. The treat is visiting OP.

Susan7654 · 27/02/2025 22:54

bridgetreilly · 27/02/2025 22:32

They may like to be treated but it certainly doesn’t mean they have to be. The treat is visiting OP.

Please go to this child and explain it to him. I am sure you are Pro at this Lol

IainTorontoNSW · 27/02/2025 23:09

Let me say, @Lilacbluewaters that I do NOT see you as cold-blooded or tight-arsed or mean. I happen to be the eldest sibling (of quite a lot) and back in the 1960s, I watched one of my uncles (mum's brother) and his wife, realised that kids don't eat for free nor create much wealth.

It was watching him and his wife that I took in a well-learned lesson. Whenever K & F took their kids to a family gathering they would bring a cooler-box/Esky well stocked with fresh foods and milk/dairy products ... Uncle K was a milkman in the day. If relatives Including grandparents invited his kids to stay on for a few days, a week or whatever, the contents of the Esky/cooler-box were handed over to the family of the people getting my cousins.

Uncle K commented that he knew kids ate so he made sure he catered for a slab of their upcoming food needs.

Later on, as he aged and prospered he'd leave $5-$10 per couson per day with the "receiving family".

= = = =

Come the 1980s, my mother loved seeing her grandkids OFTEN, very often and she would even pre-offer childcare for days my (then) wife and I were at work on weekdays. We would routinely give my mum $20 whenever one child stayed their daily or overnight or $30-$35 if both stayed.

Mum hinted repeatedly that she'd do it for free just to enjoy the company of her grandkids but we always said, like Uncle K, that no-one should be out-of-pocket by much for being 'nice' to our kids and us.

We went without a lot to wind our mortgage down but we kept up this standard for over 15 years.

= = = =

One day, one of my less grateful siblings asked aloud at a family gathering why mum would not pick his kids up from school (15km or 10 miles) 'at speed' when he and his wife were at work. He then brought up my name and said, "Well, you seem to be so keen to have Iain's kids at your house and take them places."

Mum, while being diplomatically quiet for a few minutes, got sick of the verbal attack on her generosity of time (and perceived favouritism of me or my kids), finally said, "well, Beelzebub, you ought to know that Iain and his wife drop off money and groceries whenever his kids stay at my place for daycare; you and Mrs Beelzebub do not. I stiil pick your kids up occasionally but not every time because it might be testing my pensioner's budget."

After that, brother Beelzebub stayed under his rock for about six years. I smiled inside at my mother's frankness. And, to this day, I try to pay my own way.

So, @Lilacbluewaters , you are okay to ask the parents to consider some monentary kickback or a grocery card. When my eldest grandson (19yo) drops by and gives up 30-45 of his time to clean my drain or wash my car, I slip him a $20 grocery card so he can buy something 'extra' (above his frugal budget). And, n.b. he'd do it without the grocery card or a couple of bottles of Guinness because, like most of his family, he understands helpfulness and selflessness.

Do not be put off by the understandable but different comments of other posters, @Lilacbluewaters . Their opinions make sense to many.

Mumoffourbrats · 27/02/2025 23:37

I think it depends on your relationship. Now if it was my sister I wouldn't ask but I know she would offer and vice versa.

If it was my husbands sister or brother I wouldn't ask because I'd see that as his responsibility. My husband is Asian and I know for a fact he would never ask ( it would go against his values, culture etc) he always says when it comes to food you should never be tight.

I think if you're on a low income. Just cook some thing nice and home made something that will go further rather than splashing out on McDonalds.
If your husband is saying it's fine leave it it's his brother then he can't be too concerned. If you are struggling financially to keep them then maybe ask your husband to have a word about sending some extra food round. If he won't are you close enough to feel comfortable asking?

Ultimately your decision hope you get it sorted Smile

Haveanopinion · 27/02/2025 23:46

Yeah, they get child benefit to cover the cost of feeding their kid and seem to be transferring that cost to you without transferring any of that benefit

Lyraloo · 27/02/2025 23:50

What about the nephew, who is paying for him and is he your nephew or DH’s?

Longdarkcloud · 28/02/2025 00:21

@Lyraloo the OP answered that question pages back RTWT. Besides the other children don’t stay as regularly and nor have their parents so blatantly taken the p—.
It seems OP that not all posters realise that some households have very little margin for extras nor that their children are as entitled to the occasional treat as those from more comfortably placed families. It reminds me of people who scrutinise the baskets of people on benefits at the supermarket, tut tutting when they spot a packet of chocolate biscuits or bottle of soft drink.
OP you sound a delightfully warm and hospitable “auntie” to your young relatives and your children must enjoy growing up in such a sociable child friendly home. Your in laws are cold and unreasonable and unlikely to change

saffronspices · 28/02/2025 01:30

I think they're taking the piss, you're not a child minder. There's obviously a few things you're not happy about and I'd feel the same. Is there any reciprocating going on - do relatives babysit or look after your children/sleepovers etc? As for McD's & takeaways - they're expensive, we don't have them anymore. If you've got 3 under 6 they don't eat that much so whoever comes to stay is an expense. It sounds like you're being used so you need to sit down and decide what you're prepared to do for free - relatives or not.

bridgetreilly · 28/02/2025 01:36

Susan7654 · 27/02/2025 22:54

Please go to this child and explain it to him. I am sure you are Pro at this Lol

Any time you like. It is really not hard. The word you need is ‘No’.

llizzie · 28/02/2025 02:09

If a relative or friend with a young family helps you with something - perhaps pruning trees and shrubs - and you offer them payment, do not let them refuse.

Remind them that if they refuse they are actually sort of ''taking the food from their own children's mouths'' if they do not accept payment. You will find they will accept that more easily.

It is unkind to expect you to reduce the amount of food your children eat to feed someone else's children unless there is a reciprocal arrangement, or it is a very rare event.

In this age of high cost of living, too many people are trying to shift their burden onto someone else.

Selttan · 28/02/2025 06:21

Of course they should be giving you money.

When I used to stay with my Nanna in the school holidays my parents would always give me some treat money and send me with food not just for myself but for my Nanna as well. She was on a low fixed income and my parents would never have wanted me to be a burden.

Huckyfell · 28/02/2025 06:53

I suppose, do you have siblings that come and stay also, and if you do would you ask your parents for a contribution?
In our family we wouldn't buy at the same time they would generally bring something along

Poopants1000 · 28/02/2025 07:34

For the people saying how odd and cheeky this is, you obviously aren't struggling to put meals on your tables!
It's really not that difficult to imagine is it?

Deepf60 · 28/02/2025 07:36

miraxxx · 26/02/2025 21:43

There are very poor people in Asia and other parts of the world who'd not dream of asking for money in the circumstances outlined. I just find the cold-blooded and calculating mindset here hard to relate to.

Cold blooded and calculated....get real.

Oncewornballgown · 28/02/2025 08:30

I don’t think that you should have been put in the position of having to ask for a contribution to the food costs. A polite parent would offer either some money or groceries to you for having their children to stay. Especially knowing that you don’t have a high income.
Many might be well off enough to turn down the offer, however not everyone can. There isn’t anything shameful in that at all.

PeachyPeachTrees · 28/02/2025 08:43

I think one off now and again, don't ask for money but because it's often and days/week at a time, you should ask for money. £5 a day up front. £5 doesn't sound much and the longer they stay, the more you get. This is fair. My 14 year old has a pint of milk a day and 4 meals a day, it's expensive.

imfae · 28/02/2025 08:53

Hi ,
I think if money is tight as you have said and as teens can be expensive asking for money is ok . I think if you were comfortably off , it would be a different matter .
I think you just say , we love spending time with X and having him come to stay with us . As we are on a tight budget could you please contribute £x amount towards food . I would just keep messaging this response at the time when you are making the arrangements and the amount requested would vary depending on how long he is staying for .

MixedBananas · 28/02/2025 09:41

Don't do treat nights. Do home cooked meals. Very simple solution. 1 week cook at home. Make a picnic when you go out. Meal prep will save you so much food and money.

As someone who comes from a poverty striken family who did not having running water they never ever asked for nothing when we visited. Very embarssing and quiet frankly rude. But as we woukd stay 2 / 3 weeks we would do shopping and before we left gave them some money for electrics/shopping. But never expected and never asked for.

Mammaonthemoney · 28/02/2025 09:51

Lilacbluewaters · 27/02/2025 18:29

Just be grateful you are in the position to save up, especially saving up for someone else’s child. A lot of people, myself included, are struggling to save. The children love visiting our family and we love to have them, but as a parent I’d never dare send my child somewhere for a week and not give a penny when majority of people receive child benefit weekly! Selfish parents imo

Well OP was only suggesting they give them £20 to cover treats… I mean I’m sure they can skip a takeaway between now and then and save that £20 for when he comes to stay?

ThistleTits · 28/02/2025 10:03

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 26/02/2025 21:37

Yeah i think this as well, it comes across like you're being burdened with him, even though I don't think that's your intention

I'd say yabu op, sorry x

It's all good if you can afford to keep them for free. Not being a high earner does not equate to being low earners, living week to week. Having a teenager in your home is basically having another adult. They shouldn't have to ask, the inlaws should be offering.

AnnHedonia · 28/02/2025 10:07

Susan7654 · 27/02/2025 22:54

Please go to this child and explain it to him. I am sure you are Pro at this Lol

If you have DC, presumably you are teaching them that they can't always have what they want, though?