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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask for money from in-laws whilst their son stays?

238 replies

Lilacbluewaters · 26/02/2025 21:27

Just wondering what people’s takes on this are. We have my husbands little brother (he’s 13) stay over at our house in some of the school holidays. Purely because he just likes to be with us and he will stay for around a week. Also our nephew comes too and so when we have to fork out food for both of them (especially things like McDonald’s) it adds up!
so we usually ask for a bit of money whilst he’s here just for things like snacks/treat night when we get a McDonald’s. I usually ask for £10-£20. Not that this matters but we are a low income family and they know that, we love having him with us but I just feel it’s the principal of it that they should give at least £10 to cover some things? Aibu? His dad said no because we are family we shouldn’t ask for money but I think they should offer! I wouldn’t send my children for a week and not give any money

OP posts:
colinthedogfromaccounts · 27/02/2025 01:13

miraxxx · 26/02/2025 21:43

There are very poor people in Asia and other parts of the world who'd not dream of asking for money in the circumstances outlined. I just find the cold-blooded and calculating mindset here hard to relate to.

She asking for a tenner, not murdering people. 😂😂😂

TappyGilmore · 27/02/2025 01:26

YANBU but it’s a bit awkward to ask isn’t it? Ideally they would just offer. Staying for one night or something then no I wouldn’t expect a contribution. Staying for a whole week, then yes there ought to be either money or food being contributed.

If it was me, certainly it would be cheap eating the whole time. There wouldn’t be any McDonald’s etc even if it does mean that your own kids are missing out. Your own kids can have that another time when you don’t have visitors.

As for comparing this to other cultures, my experience is that in most other cultures it would be expected that you turn up with a contribution. OP wouldn’t be asking because she wouldn’t need to, it would already have been freely given.

Italiangreyhound · 27/02/2025 01:42

I would ask for money if I needed it and I would have to say it is unbelievably rude of them to send a kid to stay for days on end with no additional support for the people looking after him.

Italiangreyhound · 27/02/2025 01:45

PS sounds like you are a great, kind hostess and the kids love being with you. But the adults are taking advantage.

Minimili · 27/02/2025 02:02

miraxxx · 26/02/2025 21:43

There are very poor people in Asia and other parts of the world who'd not dream of asking for money in the circumstances outlined. I just find the cold-blooded and calculating mindset here hard to relate to.

My partner is Asian and used to stay with his sister for a few days at a time when he was a young teenager.

his sister is 10 years older then him and has a few children, some are a similar age to DP so he loved staying.

His mother used to send him with bags of food and money for treats, she wouldn’t have dreamt of sending her kids or visiting anyone herself empty handed. Kids are expensive to feed and if someone is requesting the visit then I don’t see how it’s “cold blooded and calculating” to ask for a contribution, the OP isn’t offering she’s doing a favour!
I’d say it’s more calculating to palm your kids off so you can have a break and eat takeaways without offering anything towards feeding them.

My sister constantly asked me and DP to have her kids, she would drop them off and ask for us to have them one night and it would turn into several, sometimes she’d drop the dog off too.
We were struggling for money and the kids were spoilt and constantly asking for days out, takeaways and treats, we were too embarrassed to ask for money but it was costing us a fortune, when we said no to the days out there would be tears and we’d feel guilted into it.

We finally realised we were having the piss taken out of us when we said we were busy and couldn’t have the kids, my sister put them on the phone to beg us so we said we would take them out for the day but couldn’t have them overnight. We didn’t answer our phones when the inevitable calls came requesting that we have them overnight and ignored the texts saying my sister and BIL had an emergency and we needed to have the kids, we just took them home for their dinner after we’d had them all day.

My sister and BIL were not happy when we showed up, they had ordered a huge Chinese takeaway and had a bottle of Prosecco open, there was no emergency and instead we got berated for not feeding the kids!
We went inside with them to say goodbye and my sis and BIL closed the dining room door and carried on eating and refused to say thank you or goodbye.
My Asian DP found that extremely offensive as good hospitality is a huge part of his culture and if you are eating you offer food to guests - especially guests that have been looking after your kids when you simply be arsed with them.

If we hadn’t acted in a “calculating and cold blooded way” by not feeding the kids and dropping them off then we’d have likely continued being used for childcare and spending money we couldn’t afford so that the kid’s parents could enjoy child free time. Luckily we realised at that point we were being completely taken advantage of and turned down any further requests to have the kids, it was a shame but we couldn’t afford the kids expectations anymore anyway.

I think the OP is being very kind and getting completely taken advantage off, It’s the people using her that are calculating, I’m sure most people would show gratitude and offer something to contribute towards feeding their children or offer something to say thank you.

TwinklyNight · 27/02/2025 02:24

YANBU to ask. Especially your sibling. If money is an issue ask the parents to send some money or groceries? I would avoid getting food from resturants if it strains the budget, and cook the food (or dh would). I do usually have hamburgers and chips on Saturdays but usually make them at home.

Ilovecleaning · 27/02/2025 02:43

Sounds like the in-laws are glad to offload for a week.

Gogogo12345 · 27/02/2025 02:55

ValentinesGranny · 27/02/2025 00:21

DB worked away and his DW had a difficult pregnancy. I kept their DD for weeks at a time. It never crossed my mind to ask for money. I carried on having her several times a year and would buy clothes, shoes, pay for days out, etc. She's an adult now and we have a great relationship.

That's fine but it seems you could afford to. Might be different if you had to go hungry yourself to feed the child

jellyfishperiwinkle · 27/02/2025 03:24

Iamallowedtodisagreewithyou · 26/02/2025 21:57

I do think that there's a line that's been crossed though.

In a million years, I would never have regularly sent my teenager away for days and days and days to stay with my other child without offering them some money. It's just what you fucking do. I mean, you look after all your kids not just the dependant ones living at home.

Do you mumsnetters all understand what child benefit is actually for? I'll tell you what it's not for. It's not for the adults to purchase takeaway food for themselves with whilst another fucking adult on a low income regularly feeds your kid.

Edited

This, it's incredibly rude of his parents to assume you will pay for everything and treat him for days on end. The odd day here and there would be fine, but they are taking the piss.

And income is neither here nor there, my inlaws are well off and so are we, but I'd never send DDs to them for five days and not send them with any spending money or not offering to contribute to costs as it's just very very rude to assume they are ok with it!

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 27/02/2025 04:06

questioneverything1 · 26/02/2025 23:07

I used to have my niece for the majority of the six weeks hols, never once crossed my mind to ask my sister for money and if she'd of offered I would of refused, if I couldn't afford to feed her, I wouldn't of had her.

They can't afford to feed him.... The parents are better off and everyone enjoys having the lad there.?

Changeissmall · 27/02/2025 05:27

I would definitely raise it in a light hearted way. Cost of living. Wow can’t teenagers pack it away. You love having him and the others but it’s breaking the bank to do it so sadly you’ll have to rein it in a bit.
It’s £60/week to feed an adult these days.

Lovelysummerdays · 27/02/2025 06:08

I think the reality is that you can’t afford to host and therefore you shouldn’t. I can’t afford to feed lots of children who aren’t mine and honestly the grocery bill woul double. I think my 14yo costs at least £40-£50 a week to feed.

I do wonder what opportunities your children have missed out on as you are diverting your cash towards others. I’m not saying don’t have them. One sleepover for one day (or whatever) a month is fine.

gettingthehangofsewing · 27/02/2025 07:00

I would want to say sorry we can't have him anymore as it's getting a bit expensive and we can't afford it. I'm sure they will off then.

I have older dc, if they are having ds (who's 9) overnight and not going out I don't send money (they usually just have frozen food and sweets) if the are going on a outing I cover costs. If they come to me to babysit I pay petrol/food/drinks.

InvisibilityCloakActivated · 27/02/2025 07:12

For a week? Yes they should be offering money! I think your options are:
Say sorry, if PIL can't contribute to food costs, DN can't stay
Say DN can only come for 1 day, not for a week
Let DN stay, but avoid McDonald's/treats/going out

ButterCrackers · 27/02/2025 07:15

Tell your PIL that you’ll need an upfront amount and if you spend less than provided you’ll give the spare cash back.

luckylavender · 27/02/2025 07:17

miraxxx · 26/02/2025 21:43

There are very poor people in Asia and other parts of the world who'd not dream of asking for money in the circumstances outlined. I just find the cold-blooded and calculating mindset here hard to relate to.

Goodness what a horrible post

pearbottomjeans · 27/02/2025 07:20

Lilacbluewaters · 26/02/2025 21:43

Usually it is his idea as he likes to come and see his older brother (my husband) which is really nice, but his parents will say can he stay for 5-7 days

Show quote history

Oof his parents have got a sweet deal here! A free of charge childfree week?? If you have kids OP, make sure their grandparents take them for a week free of charge in return 😅

Bearbookagainandagain · 27/02/2025 07:21

I probably wouldn't think to offer unless there is an expensive activity being planned, but would never think of refusing if asked!

Rfvvvv · 27/02/2025 07:42

Your in laws are using you OP.
They see you as soft.
Tell your husband to sort it out.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 27/02/2025 08:13

@Lilacbluewaters you have his sister too???? are you just running a care facility for your relatives through the holidays? how far is he coming from? is it close enough for him to come every day?

thepariscrimefiles · 27/02/2025 08:19

miraxxx · 26/02/2025 21:43

There are very poor people in Asia and other parts of the world who'd not dream of asking for money in the circumstances outlined. I just find the cold-blooded and calculating mindset here hard to relate to.

They are probably not eating McDonald's.

OP and her family are on a very low income and are finding it difficult to fund these visits. There is no reciprocation from their in-laws so this is a one sided arrangement that just benefits them.

arcticpandas · 27/02/2025 08:28

Wow. The parents are cf. Probably happy for their son to go away as it will get them more money for takeaways. I think you just have to make it clear to the young people that you don't have a lot of money so they will eat simple homemade meals when at yours.

OurFlagMeansAfternoonTea · 27/02/2025 08:35

I think people on here aren't understanding what low income is. If you don't have the money you don't have the money. It's not stinginess.

However, maybe don't go to McDonald's while he's visiting.

notatinydancer · 27/02/2025 08:40

I wouldn't ask for money but I wouldn't buy McDonalds either if you can't afford it.

KilkennyCats · 27/02/2025 09:13

OurFlagMeansAfternoonTea · 27/02/2025 08:35

I think people on here aren't understanding what low income is. If you don't have the money you don't have the money. It's not stinginess.

However, maybe don't go to McDonald's while he's visiting.

Maybe don’t host 4 extra children if you’re struggling to feed them 🤷🏻‍♀️