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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask for money from in-laws whilst their son stays?

238 replies

Lilacbluewaters · 26/02/2025 21:27

Just wondering what people’s takes on this are. We have my husbands little brother (he’s 13) stay over at our house in some of the school holidays. Purely because he just likes to be with us and he will stay for around a week. Also our nephew comes too and so when we have to fork out food for both of them (especially things like McDonald’s) it adds up!
so we usually ask for a bit of money whilst he’s here just for things like snacks/treat night when we get a McDonald’s. I usually ask for £10-£20. Not that this matters but we are a low income family and they know that, we love having him with us but I just feel it’s the principal of it that they should give at least £10 to cover some things? Aibu? His dad said no because we are family we shouldn’t ask for money but I think they should offer! I wouldn’t send my children for a week and not give any money

OP posts:
BornSandyDevotional · 27/02/2025 19:37

I wouldn't dream of expecting my eldest and his partner to fund everything for my youngest during a one-night stay, let alone more. There's 7 years between mine. I have one teen in school and one living independently post graduation. They have a great relationship and the eldest and his lovely girlfriend always extend an open invitation for him to stay independently (he hasn't mustered this yet. Only with me). There'd be no question that I wouldn't fund his food, travel and spends if/when he does. I'm shocked that anyone wouldn't! It's lovely that you're so welcoming, OP. Are they tricky people more generally?

llizzie · 27/02/2025 19:41

Lilacbluewaters · 26/02/2025 21:27

Just wondering what people’s takes on this are. We have my husbands little brother (he’s 13) stay over at our house in some of the school holidays. Purely because he just likes to be with us and he will stay for around a week. Also our nephew comes too and so when we have to fork out food for both of them (especially things like McDonald’s) it adds up!
so we usually ask for a bit of money whilst he’s here just for things like snacks/treat night when we get a McDonald’s. I usually ask for £10-£20. Not that this matters but we are a low income family and they know that, we love having him with us but I just feel it’s the principal of it that they should give at least £10 to cover some things? Aibu? His dad said no because we are family we shouldn’t ask for money but I think they should offer! I wouldn’t send my children for a week and not give any money

Presumably they get child allowance for the boy? They should at least send you that. I think it is wrong that they do not provide something. After all, it isn't just food, is it? It is the petrol to go out, and admission fees to entertainment. His washing is done by you, and his bed changed and many other things you do for a young teenager. And you have to put up with his changes of mood as puberty kicks in.

They might even send him in holey cloths too small for him and expect you to buy him new, because you cannot go out with him looking like that!

Do not take no for an answer. You are making a rod for your own back. They could save up the money they save, and child allowance and expect you to care for him while they are on holiday.

Don't let it get that far, because the longer you accept it without complaint, the harder it is to ask them when you really do start suffering from using your money on someone else.

Islandgirl68 · 27/02/2025 19:46

@Lilacbluewaters how very selfish of them, with the amount of time you have others children at your house to stay, of course they should be paying for their keep, it is expensive. If it was an occasional day here or there, then that woukd be different. I would never send my kids to somebodies house for a week + and not give them money to feed my kids.

TunnocksOrDeath · 27/02/2025 19:55

I think your DH needs to find a moment to have a calm chat with his family and explain what you can and cannot afford to do. I.e. we'd love to have them over, but we don't have enough money to do x, so if they do come, then these are the options...... but the options should maybe include everyone having cheap homemade spag bol or something instead of treat night that week, or their parents chipping in so treat night is affordable.
A family cannot reasonably expect one of its members to spend money that they don't have on being a perfect generous host. My family certainly would never expect that of each other.

dreamingofsun · 27/02/2025 20:09

what happens if you go round to their house for dinner? do you give them some money towards the food? i know its a shorter period of time, but there are two of you and its same principle. apologies if already mentioned but i dont have time for the whole thread

Praying4Peace · 27/02/2025 20:11

JLou08 · 26/02/2025 21:33

I could never ask for money for having my younger sibling or nephew stay with me. I've never heard of anyone else doing it either, I thought it was normal to treat the children in the extended family. It's always been that way with my family and none of us are high earners.

This. I appreciate that you are a low income family but it doesn't feel right that you expect in laws to give money. I also appreciate how costly it is for McDonald's etc. I support your husband's take on this

Praying4Peace · 27/02/2025 20:13

pompey38 · 26/02/2025 23:33

That just shows how little class your sister has

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Unkind and not necessary

Spirallingdownwards · 27/02/2025 20:14

Just say we would love to have him but we can't afford to.

Properjob · 27/02/2025 20:18

Gosh OP I feel for you. You are being taken advantage of. It's obvious the other parents are awful so that's why all the kids love coming to you. Don't let your own kids miss out because other parents are neglecting theirs. Insist on some money or stop having them for more than one day a month. Hope you're DH will support you.

Codlingmoths · 27/02/2025 20:23

You will really need to be firm- it’ll just be one night so we’ll drop him back tomorrow.
them- oh I’m sure he’d rather stay longer.
you- and we love having him but we just can’t afford the extra mouths, we have told you that. Let us know if you can contribute and then of course he can stay, but I have 3 young children I have to feed, we really can’t do more than 2 nights a month.

Chocolate85 · 27/02/2025 20:26

OP I think you’re getting a bit of an unfairly hard time. It’s lovely that they all want to come to yours, you clearly provide a safe and fun environment. I’ve always been the one in the family who looks after children, some times I’ve been better off financially than others and it can be really hard. The one time my cousin helped me with childcare for a week (not all day, dropping off and picking up to and from the school her kids also went to) I gave her a £50 Asda voucher. Why should you and your children miss out on spending time with extended family because people are too tight to pay for their kids?

Walkerzoo · 27/02/2025 20:30

I am amazed at some of the responses. Of course they should send money.
My kids are 8 to 12 and I always send money for play dates. They like to all pop to shop and there is no way I would ask anyone to buy them things.
And family. I am the skint one on family but again I send money for when they are on sleepovers.

LG123 · 27/02/2025 20:31

As if people are giving you hard time..

They are taking the piss out of you. How long has this been going on for? As you've said, it's not like they reciprocate and help you out is it.

And to refuse to pick their own child up when he's feeling unwell is just outrageous not to mention going from one night to four, then not even be home but chilling at a hotel. Can't get over the cheeky fuckery here.

LG123 · 27/02/2025 20:32

The absolute nerve of some people.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 27/02/2025 20:35

Your In laws are absolute out and out CFs. They actually said he should pay you with his birthday money, whilst they sat there with beer and takeaway.
They are utterly taking advantage as you said you were on a low income and already have your own three to bring up.
It is not unreasonable to expect a contribution towards the lad's food, you are already doing them a massive favour by having him stay for a week regularly.

Its such as shame as it sounds like you have a lovely friendly household and your DH's younger brother enjoys spending time with you. Not surprisingly.

I think DH should ask again and not be put off by their insults. They will keep doing it if you make it easy for them and then your DH and Bil will miss out.

ForestAtTheSea · 27/02/2025 20:37

Lilacbluewaters · 27/02/2025 19:17

then you are in a good position financially. I don’t know what is hard to understand that it is costing us a lot and surely instead of treating yourselves to takeaways and alcohol, you would put your child first?! They want him to stay longer, he wants to stay so of course he is welcome but they should be paying a contribution as at the end of the day if he was at home he would be getting takeaways, days out etc especially during the holidays

Show quote history

How about testing the waters, next time they send over the children, remark to them that you are looking forward to when yours are older and you can send them to their relatives to stay with elder cousins and family.
What would they say?

The children are lucky that you facilitate these close family relations and they might not be aware of the customs regarding contributions. Is there another way the closeness could be encouraged, like video calls?
It is commendable that you want to take care of them all, and it is not the children's fault, and it is nice that everyone says yours is the best place; it is probably flattering, too.

But in making the decisions, maybe consider looking back 15 years from now, if the other family members never reprocicated and you will have a lot less savings for your own family and children in the end, or having to work more hours, would you now do the same?

At first your posts seemed to be only about receiving a contribution for food, but the more you explain, the more it sounds like everyone just sends over their children to yours so they have more free time. It's a complex picture between not being able to openly talk to them, your home being the favourite one and everyone sending you their children.

As an alternative regarding other children to play with, if your kids invited local children, these would go home at the end of the day so it would be a different situation and probably less costly.
I don't know how the situation would be in the long term, but the older nephews and nieces will probably at some point not want to spend so much time with younger kids, as they grow up, become teenagers and young adults; it could be helpful have more local friends of a similar age.

Theunamedcat · 27/02/2025 20:38

If you can't afford it you can't afford it they will just have to keep their own child

yourmaw · 27/02/2025 20:39

@Lilacbluewaters -actual amazed your get deemed,tight,moneygrabby,direspectful family connection etc. From the details you supplied! bizarre.
Nowhere did you suggest were going to cancel further bro visits or insist a payg tarrif.
presuming they your own kids grandparents?appreciate a week teen free? - beyond thoughtless. I would supply sorta "party pack" crisps,juice,biscuits when ds stay at friends with other siblings as a courtesy.
Ignoring whilst ta\keout n beers is pretty shit.

LaceApplique · 27/02/2025 20:47

No, don't ask for money.

I think it's rude that they don't offer though or at least send him with a goody bag of snacks, considering the amount of time he spends at yours.

The bigger question is why have you become the family babysitter. Yes, they like going to you, but for a week at a time!? I think these other parents are taking the piss!

mrssprout · 27/02/2025 20:48

I'm surprised they don't offer. I had a heart/lung transplant & spent 2½ months in hospital. In the early days as DH & DS were finding their feet with everything my sister took 17 year old, studying for big exams, to her house for a week. When I got home DS got sick & I was newly transplanted & severely immune suppressed so sister again immediately said pack his bag & get DH to drop him to me until he's better. This was in the middle of covid & she said if it was that she would rather it at her house than mine. My sister & her DH have their own 4 kids & don't earn much but they moved their kids around to fit my DS in & at one stage had my other sister's 2 at the same time as she was unwell & struggling. Even though she offered I couldn't imaging not giving some money to help cover costs, we gave her a couple of hundred dollars (in Oz).

Lulu49 · 27/02/2025 20:52

JLou08 there's a difference between not being a high earner and a low income household

CuteKoalas · 27/02/2025 21:02

If you are offering to have them then no you can't ask

If they asked you to have them then yes I think it wouldn't BU to ask for a little

However. I wouldn't buy take away they'd get what we have

ThoseWhoDance · 27/02/2025 21:11

Wow! If ever there was a perfect example of the gulf between those on higher incomes and the rest of us, barely getting by earning minimum wage or just a little more - this is it! For the majority of the population, there is very little, if any extra money at the end of the week/month - those who can afford to save/shop in Waitrose/buy lots of lovely fresh ingredients - you are the lucky few. And if you are in the privileged position of being able to feed extra mouths for a week or more at a time, on a regular basis, then that's great for you, but don't dare go saying that others are grabby or calculating for not putting themselves into potentially difficult financial positions.
OP I think you are incredibly generous and good hearted - your 'extra children' are extremely lucky to have you as a part time carer !

Eldermilleniallyogii · 27/02/2025 21:13

I wouldn't ask for money for family but if on the other hand I would offer in their position or buy some food and bring it over like drinks, food or offer to buy you all a meal. If I were your DH I'd feel bad asking too.

Maggiethecat · 27/02/2025 21:33

ThoseWhoDance · 27/02/2025 21:11

Wow! If ever there was a perfect example of the gulf between those on higher incomes and the rest of us, barely getting by earning minimum wage or just a little more - this is it! For the majority of the population, there is very little, if any extra money at the end of the week/month - those who can afford to save/shop in Waitrose/buy lots of lovely fresh ingredients - you are the lucky few. And if you are in the privileged position of being able to feed extra mouths for a week or more at a time, on a regular basis, then that's great for you, but don't dare go saying that others are grabby or calculating for not putting themselves into potentially difficult financial positions.
OP I think you are incredibly generous and good hearted - your 'extra children' are extremely lucky to have you as a part time carer !

Op does sound very accommodating and her young BIL must be happy to want to keep visiting.
I can’t agree however with trips to McDonald’s if you are just getting by. If you are strapped for cash you’ll pack a picnic - cheap nutritious sandwiches and treats for days out.