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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask for money from in-laws whilst their son stays?

238 replies

Lilacbluewaters · 26/02/2025 21:27

Just wondering what people’s takes on this are. We have my husbands little brother (he’s 13) stay over at our house in some of the school holidays. Purely because he just likes to be with us and he will stay for around a week. Also our nephew comes too and so when we have to fork out food for both of them (especially things like McDonald’s) it adds up!
so we usually ask for a bit of money whilst he’s here just for things like snacks/treat night when we get a McDonald’s. I usually ask for £10-£20. Not that this matters but we are a low income family and they know that, we love having him with us but I just feel it’s the principal of it that they should give at least £10 to cover some things? Aibu? His dad said no because we are family we shouldn’t ask for money but I think they should offer! I wouldn’t send my children for a week and not give any money

OP posts:
Bedecked · 27/02/2025 09:24

KilkennyCats · 27/02/2025 09:13

Maybe don’t host 4 extra children if you’re struggling to feed them 🤷🏻‍♀️

Show quote history

Hosting the kids facilitates close family relationships. People on low incomes are allowed to want these!

KilkennyCats · 27/02/2025 09:32

I don’t really get your point?
Op wants more than she can afford 🤷🏻‍♀️
What would your solution be, then; set up a Go Fund Me?
She can’t afford to feed four extra children, whatever she wants.

Original poster
Lilacbluewaters · 27/02/2025 09:36

Minimili · 27/02/2025 02:02

My partner is Asian and used to stay with his sister for a few days at a time when he was a young teenager.

his sister is 10 years older then him and has a few children, some are a similar age to DP so he loved staying.

His mother used to send him with bags of food and money for treats, she wouldn’t have dreamt of sending her kids or visiting anyone herself empty handed. Kids are expensive to feed and if someone is requesting the visit then I don’t see how it’s “cold blooded and calculating” to ask for a contribution, the OP isn’t offering she’s doing a favour!
I’d say it’s more calculating to palm your kids off so you can have a break and eat takeaways without offering anything towards feeding them.

My sister constantly asked me and DP to have her kids, she would drop them off and ask for us to have them one night and it would turn into several, sometimes she’d drop the dog off too.
We were struggling for money and the kids were spoilt and constantly asking for days out, takeaways and treats, we were too embarrassed to ask for money but it was costing us a fortune, when we said no to the days out there would be tears and we’d feel guilted into it.

We finally realised we were having the piss taken out of us when we said we were busy and couldn’t have the kids, my sister put them on the phone to beg us so we said we would take them out for the day but couldn’t have them overnight. We didn’t answer our phones when the inevitable calls came requesting that we have them overnight and ignored the texts saying my sister and BIL had an emergency and we needed to have the kids, we just took them home for their dinner after we’d had them all day.

My sister and BIL were not happy when we showed up, they had ordered a huge Chinese takeaway and had a bottle of Prosecco open, there was no emergency and instead we got berated for not feeding the kids!
We went inside with them to say goodbye and my sis and BIL closed the dining room door and carried on eating and refused to say thank you or goodbye.
My Asian DP found that extremely offensive as good hospitality is a huge part of his culture and if you are eating you offer food to guests - especially guests that have been looking after your kids when you simply be arsed with them.

If we hadn’t acted in a “calculating and cold blooded way” by not feeding the kids and dropping them off then we’d have likely continued being used for childcare and spending money we couldn’t afford so that the kid’s parents could enjoy child free time. Luckily we realised at that point we were being completely taken advantage of and turned down any further requests to have the kids, it was a shame but we couldn’t afford the kids expectations anymore anyway.

I think the OP is being very kind and getting completely taken advantage off, It’s the people using her that are calculating, I’m sure most people would show gratitude and offer something to contribute towards feeding their children or offer something to say thank you.

Show quote history

Sounds very similar to our situation. My husbands sister will drop her kids off and say she’s working but she will go on a night out. It happened the other weekend, she dropped them for one night originally but they stayed 4 nights. One of the kids started feeling unwell and wanted to go home, she wouldn’t pick them up so we said okay we will bring them home as child didn’t feel well. Only, she wasn’t at home. She was in a hotel 😂
that felt like a massive p take

OP posts:
Original poster
Lilacbluewaters · 27/02/2025 09:40

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 27/02/2025 08:13

@Lilacbluewaters you have his sister too???? are you just running a care facility for your relatives through the holidays? how far is he coming from? is it close enough for him to come every day?

Edited

Pretty much. I don’t mind having the children here, we will happily help out when they have plans and sometimes they do just seem to offload them on us but tbh we feel sorry for the kids. This is why I feel they should really offer some money

OP posts:
Freshstartyear25 · 27/02/2025 09:44

I understand when you’re coming from as a low income family however probably because I grew up abroad, in my culture, you can never dream of asking for money in that sort of situation, no matter how poor you are. When growing up, we weren’t rich but we always had cousins visit during the holidays, etc and everyone just has to deal with it.
I can never ask my parents to pay for the food of my much younger siblings who wants to visit me. I’ll rather work overtime. If I can’t afford for him to stay for a week no matter what I decide to cut out, then I’ll ask for him to stay just a few days.

Original poster
Lilacbluewaters · 27/02/2025 09:44

KilkennyCats · 27/02/2025 09:32

I don’t really get your point?
Op wants more than she can afford 🤷🏻‍♀️
What would your solution be, then; set up a Go Fund Me?
She can’t afford to feed four extra children, whatever she wants.

I don’t want. It would put a big strain on the family if we said no, we have done in the past and it causes all sorts of issues.

OP posts:
Darkclothes · 27/02/2025 10:14

OP- what you if you had D&V, covid or some other illness? What do they do when you are away?

They are taking the piss and getting free child care for weeks on end! I'd start saying no, and have some contagious things going around- forever!

Clearingaspace · 27/02/2025 10:36

Freshstartyear25 · 27/02/2025 09:44

I understand when you’re coming from as a low income family however probably because I grew up abroad, in my culture, you can never dream of asking for money in that sort of situation, no matter how poor you are. When growing up, we weren’t rich but we always had cousins visit during the holidays, etc and everyone just has to deal with it.
I can never ask my parents to pay for the food of my much younger siblings who wants to visit me. I’ll rather work overtime. If I can’t afford for him to stay for a week no matter what I decide to cut out, then I’ll ask for him to stay just a few days.

But presumably the other families would also take a turn hosting so it evens out and this isn’t happening- I find this all the more strange when of the families taking advantage is the grandparents

Bedecked · 27/02/2025 10:41

KilkennyCats · 27/02/2025 09:32

I don’t really get your point?
Op wants more than she can afford 🤷🏻‍♀️
What would your solution be, then; set up a Go Fund Me?
She can’t afford to feed four extra children, whatever she wants.

My point is that the convention that one can only host if rich enough, doesn’t work for everyone and asking for help with costs isn’t a cultural no-no for many. In my family, we would say no if we didn't want to host, or ‘yes, if you can cover his food’ if we did want to see the kid but weren’t flush atm. A rule like ‘you just can’t ask for money’ would mean some of us didn’t see much of family. It reminds me of threads on here where for some people, if you invite friends to a restaurant for your birthday, you have to pay the whole bill. Me and my friends can’t do that: we split it and so can afford to celebrate together. For some, that’s totally unacceptable and they’d choose not to go out. I think that’s a shame.

Maggiethecat · 27/02/2025 10:54

I’m getting the sense on here that for even those that could easily afford the extra spend on the child that they feel that it is not a cost that they should bear?

I’ve heard people who are not struggling bemoan having a sibling stay for a few days and having to feed them which is really strange.

We’re talking about an extra adult portion for a meal that was going to be made anyway, not having to pay for restaurant meals for the sibling.

It’s almost as if they begrudge the saving that dear sibling made of not having to dine out, at their expense.

Really odd.

Devianinc · 27/02/2025 17:49

RosesAreNice · 26/02/2025 22:49

I think with a 13 year old I'd be sending him with some pocket money. Maybe the reason they haven't offered a bit of money is because this is more of a visit than a favour. If it was done as a favour I'd think most people would send money for a takeaway at least, but the dynamic is a bit different when it's more of a family visit.

It sounds like something does have to be figured out though as he will only get bigger and want/need a lot more snacks!

Most teenagers with pocket money tend to keep for themselves. That’s what I’ve always seen.

Devianinc · 27/02/2025 17:52

Italiangreyhound · 27/02/2025 01:45

PS sounds like you are a great, kind hostess and the kids love being with you. But the adults are taking advantage.

I totally agree with you.

Ddakji · 27/02/2025 17:52

I think if you can’t afford to feed him then your DH needs to decline these visits. But if he has his little brother as a visitor/guest he doesn’t charge.

Devianinc · 27/02/2025 17:55

Devianinc · 26/02/2025 22:45

He gets rid of his child for a week and they don’t miss him. That’s a little weird. They should be taking you out to fancy dinners for looking out for his son. And yes, they should either provide groceries and snacks if he’s there longer than a weekend.

Show quote history

And his pocket money for anything extra he might like.

OldScribbler · 27/02/2025 17:59

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 26/02/2025 21:37

Yeah i think this as well, it comes across like you're being burdened with him, even though I don't think that's your intention

I'd say yabu op, sorry x

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Clearly it depends on how well off you are. If you're strapped for cash they should help you out.

Notyourbeeswax · 27/02/2025 18:01

Neither would I. I’m on a low income but I’d never expect someone else to feed and provide treats for my children. I think that’s taking the piss tbh. Even if my child goes somewhere overnight they take some goodies to share around and £10 for a take away if needed. I can’t believe the cheek of some people to not even offer as much as the cb for a week of free childcare. I’d certainly be dropping big hints or asking outright. Eg… if your child wants a takeout you need to give them some money for it, we have no spare income to provide meals for them all. We are a bit short at the moment as you can probably understand with everything nearly doubling in price.

Devianinc · 27/02/2025 18:02

When I have guests they usually bring a snack and either or liquor and if they are staying with me they take me out to dinner and cook and buy one dinner and take care of their kids. I had my niece over regularly when my kids were in school and didn’t expect anything from her parents at all but she helped keep my 2 entertained. I was also financially able to do so. Some people are just takers. I stopped any invitations to the takers quickly. They never set foot in my vacation home again. People who just take and take are so self interested and they don’t see beyond themselves.

MumWifeOther · 27/02/2025 18:04

If you can’t afford to have him stay, then of course you should relay this and say you would love to, but finances don’t allow it. The parents should then contribute! Normally I would expect the parents to send the child with money!

Mammaonthemoney · 27/02/2025 18:05

My sister would not dream of asking for money when my small children and I go to visit her for a week or more (but I would definitely offer/do a food shop/pay for a meal out. If her kids came to stay with me, she would probably try to offer to send money and I would refuse to accept it.
I think if your dh’s brother found out you were asking for money to pay for his food he would feel so awkward and why would you want someone feel like that? Be the people who are generous. Save up for his visit, get excited about seeing him and don’t ask for anything. If your in-laws don’t offer, it really says more about them than you.

Itsaswelltime · 27/02/2025 18:06

We wouldn’t be able to afford this, especially if we also paid for cinema or to hire a tennis court or to go out and do an activity one day too.
I would be feeding them lots of pasta, rice, toast and butter, hot dogs, eggs, and cheap homemade cakes, pancakes with sugar.

MiloMinderbinder · 27/02/2025 18:07

Of course this is a dilemma, you do not want to charge but - and this is important - they get the holiday you can afford to provide. They will love that, they have come for your love and company. So, no MacDonald’s - mum’s homemade burgers

Erisedfororrim · 27/02/2025 18:10

We have had the same issue with sl her children are a lot younger than mine her first dd dad has her regularly but the 2nd doesn’t she asked us to have her for a week whilst she went on holiday I told her only if she pays me for the work I will miss out on. She had to agree as no one else would do it. She has just had dd3 and is already expecting me to have them regularly 😳

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 27/02/2025 18:10

OldScribbler · 27/02/2025 17:59

Clearly it depends on how well off you are. If you're strapped for cash they should help you out.

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I think they should offer but I think it would be unreasonable to ask tbh

BobbyBiscuits · 27/02/2025 18:13

I'd hope they would send him with some cash out of politeness. But it's down to your fella to organise it if he needs cash as it's his brother. He needs to speak to his parents.
If it's going to skint you for the month you or h have to decline to take him.

MaggieMistletoe · 27/02/2025 18:15

I wouldn't ask, if cash was a struggle then there would be no macdonalds etc, just home cooked stuff on a budget. But even though its not really the done thing to ask, I still think it says a lot about your in laws that they said no. If I was your in laws I would've at least bunged you a tenner as surely the preserving good relationships is worth a few measly pounds. Why do you need to go to macdonalds though? That's a big waste of money, just buy a big tub of ice cream and get some board games out.