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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask for money from in-laws whilst their son stays?

238 replies

Lilacbluewaters · 26/02/2025 21:27

Just wondering what people’s takes on this are. We have my husbands little brother (he’s 13) stay over at our house in some of the school holidays. Purely because he just likes to be with us and he will stay for around a week. Also our nephew comes too and so when we have to fork out food for both of them (especially things like McDonald’s) it adds up!
so we usually ask for a bit of money whilst he’s here just for things like snacks/treat night when we get a McDonald’s. I usually ask for £10-£20. Not that this matters but we are a low income family and they know that, we love having him with us but I just feel it’s the principal of it that they should give at least £10 to cover some things? Aibu? His dad said no because we are family we shouldn’t ask for money but I think they should offer! I wouldn’t send my children for a week and not give any money

OP posts:
Happyhappyday · 26/02/2025 23:24

I wouldn’t ask but it wouldn’t make any difference to our finances. If it’s genuinely stretching you and £20 would make a difference then maybe? £10-20 sounds super petty though unless you are very hard up or having them multiple times a month.

healthybychristmas · 26/02/2025 23:24

There's a difference between not being highness and actually being low earner. It's very difficult for BP to manage financially so yes of course his parents should handover some money for his stay. They're already getting time off!

Bedecked · 26/02/2025 23:27

RockyRogue1001 · 26/02/2025 23:11

Personally, I don't see family relationships as transactional.
I find the idea of "charging" relatives hideous.
And I think to some extent, so do you @Lilacbluewaters
Because you're saying clearly that you only want a token amount.
Although you don't have ££££ to spare
So, I think you're not asking for costs to be covered?
So what is it that you DO want?
Is it acknowledgement?

I think you need to clarify in your head what you want and aren't getting and then fix thst

You make a really good point about OP working out what she wants/needs here, but needing help to cover guests’ costs doesn’t make the relationships transactional. You see it that way because you’re (relatively) rich or from a richer background. For poorer people it’s an unavoidable fact that has to be addressed if they still want to see their relations who don’t live locally.

Clearingaspace · 26/02/2025 23:29

Waterbaby41 · 26/02/2025 23:21

You want your BIL to pay to stay with you? Jeez.

If my bil was staying with me regularly for a week or so and I was feeding him all week I would expect him to contribute to the cost of a takeaway -,actually if the favour wasn’t being reciprocated I would expect my bil to pay for the full takeaway to say thanks. As he is 13 it falls on his parents to contribute to the cost of the takeaway and why wouldn’t they also want to treat their children and grandchildren at the same time as a thanks for the free childcare and savings on feeding a teen for a week. The in-laws are not being reasonable and taking advantage. It’s not an occasional sleepover for a night or so.

pompey38 · 26/02/2025 23:33

questioneverything1 · 26/02/2025 23:07

I used to have my niece for the majority of the six weeks hols, never once crossed my mind to ask my sister for money and if she'd of offered I would of refused, if I couldn't afford to feed her, I wouldn't of had her.

That just shows how little class your sister has

HhalloNine · 26/02/2025 23:33

I wouldn't ask for money. If I couldn't afford it, I wouldn't be buying take-aways either.

Bowl of pasta, home made chilli filled out with beans, cheap filling, family meals.

Herewegoagainz · 26/02/2025 23:35

I would just remind the parents to send the kids with spending money. If they don’t bring any then don’t take them to McDonald’s or on expensive outings.

stayathomer · 26/02/2025 23:38

I think he should come with some money but I don’t think you should ask- he’s family- I don’t think I ever asked relatives and they never asked me (but I suppose we all contributed!) Sorry op am no help!

awana1 · 26/02/2025 23:42

You do know you don't need to have trashy fast food, cook a home cooked meal, it will cost less n go further

Ariela · 26/02/2025 23:43

You could ask that he is sent with some pocket money for treats perhaps?

SALaw · 26/02/2025 23:45

You must have a massive house to have all these people staying plus your own 3 kids.

Goldbar · 26/02/2025 23:47

In your circumstances, I would ask them to fund treats and be very clear about what those will be. So "we'd love to have Sam for the week. Are you able to send him with £20 for a McDonald's trip and bowling with DH? Otherwise no worries, we'll make do with cheaper fun".

It would be nice if you can afford unlimited hospitality but you can't. And yes, maybe some people and some cultures would never dream of asking for money, but there's a difference between sharing what you'd usually have (which might be spag bol and free trips to the playground) and laying on additional fun entertainment and treats for teenagers.

MrsPeterHarris · 26/02/2025 23:51

krustykittens · 26/02/2025 22:35

Dumping a kid on other people, no matter who they are, who eats like an adult for a minimum of five days at a time without a penny toward its keep, is taking the piss. Don't be a mug, OP, either they cough up some money for his keep or he goes home after one night. You are practically sharing custody with these freeloaders! If my kids stayed that long with someone, damn right I would be offering something.

Absolutely this!

You need to start saying no as 'money is tight' and they'll soon start offering towards his keep (as they absolutely should be doing!)

Fraaances · 26/02/2025 23:57

The other option is to point out to them what you are saving them on babysitting and food and let them know that money’s tight for you and your family. They have become accustomed to the “me time” you have provided them and won’t enjoy being told that it doesn’t work for you. I imagine if you let them know that you literally can’t afford to have DN stay at yours, let alone the rest of the herd, then they will cough up.

FoxLoxInSox · 26/02/2025 23:59

If money’s an issue, why in gods name do you have 4 extra kids to stay with you at once? It’s crazy.

My take on things is if I’ve offered/agreed to host someone - that’s on me, including the cost this incurs. If I can’t afford to host, I don’t do it.

ValentinesGranny · 27/02/2025 00:21

DB worked away and his DW had a difficult pregnancy. I kept their DD for weeks at a time. It never crossed my mind to ask for money. I carried on having her several times a year and would buy clothes, shoes, pay for days out, etc. She's an adult now and we have a great relationship.

Original poster
Lilacbluewaters · 27/02/2025 00:35

Bedecked · 26/02/2025 23:05

The answers you’re getting are totally class-based, OP. My gran and aunty and mum always gave each other ‘housekeeping’ when staying - none of them had enough spare to feed extra people for more than a meal or two, and none of them were/are mean people, my friends were always welcome after school/to stay and eat, but more than one meal was a strain. Pooling housekeeping on visits, which were always a few days at least, meant there was cake, fresh fruit, nice cereal etc. it is normal to me to offer/accept cash with family and yours are cheeky fuckers not to offer genuinely what it costs to feed their kids, when they’re asking for the visits. Which would be nearer £50 than £10 a week, if you’re making sure they get treats. Make a fuss! Ask for what they actually cost. They’ll slag you off either way so fuck’em: do it for the kids. You sound really lovely and I bet they’ll stay in your life even if things get frosty with their parents.

Thanks, the kids all say it’s the best house in the family and I care for them all, them saying they want to stay with us for up to a week says it all r really and the parents encouraging it is just weird to me like it’s half term for them but they don’t want to see their kids?

OP posts:
Mama2many73 · 27/02/2025 00:38

JLou08 · 26/02/2025 21:33

I could never ask for money for having my younger sibling or nephew stay with me. I've never heard of anyone else doing it either, I thought it was normal to treat the children in the extended family. It's always been that way with my family and none of us are high earners.

I would never ask, but I know my siblings would offer/send some cash over if we had their kids, just like I would when they had ours.

Original poster
Lilacbluewaters · 27/02/2025 00:39

Clearingaspace · 26/02/2025 23:29

If my bil was staying with me regularly for a week or so and I was feeding him all week I would expect him to contribute to the cost of a takeaway -,actually if the favour wasn’t being reciprocated I would expect my bil to pay for the full takeaway to say thanks. As he is 13 it falls on his parents to contribute to the cost of the takeaway and why wouldn’t they also want to treat their children and grandchildren at the same time as a thanks for the free childcare and savings on feeding a teen for a week. The in-laws are not being reasonable and taking advantage. It’s not an occasional sleepover for a night or so.

Show quote history

Obviously not the child pay. It was actually his birthday and he has birthday money. His dad said use that and we said absolutely not!
it would be totally different if he was an adult coming to visit. Firstly, I doubt he would stay for a week and if we got food out he as an adult would most likely pay himself. My brother comes a few times a year and he pays for his own food when we are with him and he’s an adult

OP posts:
Original poster
Lilacbluewaters · 27/02/2025 00:40

awana1 · 26/02/2025 23:42

You do know you don't need to have trashy fast food, cook a home cooked meal, it will cost less n go further

Trashy fast food 😂😅 I have done home cooked meals so far but this Friday I had planned a treat for my kids, doesn’t harm

OP posts:
Original poster
Lilacbluewaters · 27/02/2025 00:41

SALaw · 26/02/2025 23:45

You must have a massive house to have all these people staying plus your own 3 kids.

No, we have a 3 bed. But kids loving sharing when they have sleepovers!

OP posts:
suburberphobe · 27/02/2025 00:48

Ask them to send shopping instead or you can't have him. Exactly.

And then I read on and it's 4 kids too?!

Honestly woman, find your voice and your backbone. They're walking all over you.

And you will get burnt out. Depleting your own resources, even for yourself.

Don't be a martyr!

Tourmalines · 27/02/2025 01:05

I think they are cheeky and should be offering you some cash when he stays over because it’s a regular occurrence. Even if there’s no takeaway snacks and goodies all add up . A one off is completely different.

caringcarer · 27/02/2025 01:09

I would never ask for money for having relatives to stay. In-laws should be giving teen pocket money and he should treat himself to McDonalds out of that but just do home cooking and no expensive takeaways.

Isittimeformynapyet · 27/02/2025 01:12

healthybychristmas · 26/02/2025 23:24

There's a difference between not being highness and actually being low earner. It's very difficult for BP to manage financially so yes of course his parents should handover some money for his stay. They're already getting time off!

What do you mean by "highness" and who is BP?