To have kicked MIL out over baby’s name?

[kritzkreig]

Posting here because I need to know if I was totally out of order or if MIL has just lost the plot.

DH and I recently had our beautiful baby girl. We chose a name we both absolutely love – it’s classic, not too common, and has a lovely meaning. MIL has never been my biggest fan, but I thought she’d at least be happy for us. Well, apparently not.

She came over to meet DD for the first time, and within minutes of hearing her name, she started pulling faces. I tried to ignore it, but then she actually laughed and said, “Oh, you’re joking, right? That’s awful.” Then she went on and on about how we should have chosen something more ‘normal’ and how she won’t be telling her friends because she’s ‘too embarrassed.’

I saw red. I told her if she couldn’t be respectful, she could leave. She doubled down, saying she was just being honest and that DD would hate us for giving her a ‘ridiculous’ name. At this point, DH told her she needed to go. She stormed out, and now we’re getting passive-aggressive texts about how we’ve ‘excluded’ her from her granddaughter’s life.

AIBU to have kicked her out? I get that not everyone will love the name, but to actually laugh in our faces and say she’s embarrassed by her own granddaughter’s name? DH is completely on my side, but SIL says we overreacted and should have just ignored her.

Would love to know what the MN jury thinks.

It really depends on the name.

If you’ve named her something atrocious, you don’t need everyone to pretend otherwise.

I've been reading this thread with interest and because, very occasionally, some children have been given ridiculous names (as reported in the media) presumably because the parents have this odd need to be different or extremist. A child's name is with them for life, so it is a good idea to put some effort into minimising the risk of them getting saddled with a name that is going to be like a ball and chain around their ankles as they progress along the road of life. Like it or not people will judge and these things do matter. It does not sound like this is an issue in the OPs case if the name is classic and has a lovely meaning, I cannot understand the MIL's reaction. I can understand not being enthused about a name, we all like different things, but not liking a name isn't a reason to react in a hostile way.

I am also a bit surprised at what some people think might be bad names. Sandra, Edith, Trudy are not names I'd consider bad. One of my former bridge partners was called Sandra and I am friendly with a woman called Trudi.

Congratulations on your new baby!

YANBU and ignore SIL.

I do want to know the name though 😂

Yes, this is exactly it! It’s not really about the name – it’s about control. She wanted to make a point, expected DH to just go along with it, and completely miscalculated. She definitely wasn’t expecting him to back me up so quickly!

And thank you – I promise the name is nothing out there. It’s not like we’ve called her Moonbeam Starlight or something! I honestly think MIL just hates that she didn’t get a say and is throwing her toys out of the pram.

At this point, she can stay in a strop if she wants. DD won’t be missing out on much!

I think it does depend on the name.

There ARE names about that mean that some people will form a negative opinion on the child before they've met them. I'm not saying that's right, I'm saying it does happen.

It might be that your mil is trying to save her dgc before it's too late.

Your DH should send something like this: “Dear mum, we are not “excluding you” from your granddaughter’s life. You are very welcome to come and see her any time. But please know that any rudeness, especially towards her name or our parenting choices, will be met with a similar reaction. We were not out of line asking you to leave, you were out of line with your behaviour. If you can keep these comments to yourself in future then there won’t be any issues”

What a horrible woman she sounds.

Florence is lovely, it was on our (short) list

It's Karen, isn't it.

And to his sister:

Dear sister, we appreciate you trying to help. Mum is very welcome to come and see her any time. But we have let her know that any rudeness, especially towards our baby’s name or our parenting choices, will be met with a similar reaction. We were not out of line asking her to leave, she was out of line with her behaviour. If she can keep these comments to herself in future then there won’t be any issues. We are not prepared to “just ignore it” when it comes to our child.

Also, a close friend of mind named her daughter something really annoying when she was born (basically a really common name but that she wanted to spell very differently from the common spelling and the same as another very common name). All I could think at the time was "oh bless, her daughter will spend her life explaining this to people" and I am super direct - however, I still knew the only correct reply was "what a lovely name" and so that's what I said. That is despite the fact that we are close enough (and I am direct enough) that I told her she should think twice about marrying her now husband (and was then still a bridesmaid). They actually changed their mind later on the name and gave their daughter something much less likely to cause her hassle but I am glad I did nothing but support her original choice - brutal honesty with close friends and family is for cases where they may be making a genuine error but very much not for raining on their parade when they just have a beautiful baby.

I think it would be unusual for someone who is usually reasonable to suddenly behave so rudely. So my guess is either it really is a horrid name and you should reconsider and thank her OR she's used to getting away with extreme rudeness.

If it is not a truly awful name, then I think you were right to kick her out. That way, she learns that she can't push you around. Much better than years of biting your lip while she abuses you.

I really despise people like that: the type that loves to create drama and wants to make any situation about themselves.

Your MIL was rude and she sounds like a really immature and self-entered individual.

You should be enjoying this happy time with your baby and partner, instead you are having to deal with her nonsense.

I would ignore her until she apologises. if she does not, then I would keep my distance.

I think you should have your husband tell SIL to butt out. It doesn't concern her.

CLASSIC name examples suggested by AI:
Abigail
Ada
Agatha
Alexandra
Alice
Amelia
Audrey
Ava
Charlotte
Clara
Colleen
Dorothy
Edith
Eileen
Eleanor
Elizabeth
Emma
Evelyn
Grace
Jane
Lucy
Luna
Lydia
Olivia
I certainly wouldn't say "Luna" is classic (although I like it) and for me the list is missing Catherine, Leonora and Victoria, but if OP and her DH have chosen a classic name like any of the above, I don't know what MIL has to laugh about (and she shouldn't have anyway).

Is it Balonz?

Urgh, tell SIL to piss off as well - you've got nothing to apologise for!

You tell SIL that it was her mother that needs to apologise. Because who openly says something like that to new parents? To tell them she's too embarrassed to tell her friends the name? Ask SIL how she'd feel, post-partum and eager to show off her baby, and get that response.

So no, you (but preferably your DH) needs to say that MIL is welcome back if she keeps her mouth shut about the name but there will be no apology.

My DD 's preferred name for my DGD for most of her pregnancy was, imo, awful, and would be mocked by anyone over 40. But I never said a word, though other people did warn her about the teasing.
Thank goodness she changed her mind, but no way would I have reacted like your MIL when baby arrived, if she hadn't

I think your mil went about this the wrong way. If it's a name that could easily be given to ridicule at school then perhaps it's worth considering if she has a point. When my son was born & the Doctor asked his name I was mortified when I realised he could hardly keep his laugh in. It was enough to make me think if I'd made the right decision so DH agreed we should change it. When he was old enough I told him what his name was for a few hours after he was born & he said thank God for deed poll 😂

She and her flying monkey can naff off. Great to hear DH is supportive.

I have relatives who gave their children names that while not ridiculously outlandish seemed likely to cause them problems at school - and did. I couldnt honestly say that's lovely but at most you say that's unusual.

So yes she was rude but without knowing the name it's not possible to say if she maybe also had a point (calling a child Chlamydia would tend to shock anyone). I hope you've given your daughter 2 names do she can always opt to use her second name. Of course when she's older she may not like either name.

She wanted to make a point, expected DH to just go along with it, and completely miscalculated. She definitely wasn’t expecting him to back me up so quickly!

Well at least this isn't a time where you can informed you actually have a DH problem

I'm pleased to hear he's backed you up - that bodes well for good shared, equal and respectful parenting.

@MinnieCoops @MeganCarter

Florence is my fave girls name of all time.

I don't have children but it would have been the name that I chose. I even love Flo.

I called my puppy Florence as I'd never get to use it but it's wasted on my dog IMO 🤣

I do hope it's Flo 🤣

What was the name?

Bored now if OP not prepared to share the name