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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD making her own way home from a bar job in the city centre.

157 replies

Theteenagerera · 26/02/2025 17:56

DD has just turned 18 and is currently doing her A levels, she has an unconditional for a uni away from home and so will be moving to said city in the summer.

She has had a few part time jobs in her teens but due to a family house move last year had to leave the last one and has struggled to find anything since.

We live on the outskirts of not a particularly nice city and it’s a good 45-50 minutes home by bus. She has just had an interview for a city centre pub and was asked if she could work to 2am which DD has said is not a problem!!

We have just had words on her way home as while I’m glad the interview went well I just don’t think I’d be comfortable with her getting a night bus back on her own while the pubs and clubs are piling out. Her argument is she hasn’t been able to find anything else so it’s this or nothing and I know she really wants the money.

For full transparency we have never put any pressure on her to find a job however I don’t think she has put as much effort into the hunting as she says she has…

some of that is not her fault as obv mid A levels however she also has the classic teen mentality things she wants will just fall into her lap and when nervous and can come across quite fumbly with words so nothing has come of introducing herself and handing CV’s into places or phone call to potential employers despite her having barista, front of house, till/closing up experience.

AIBU to think that she probably can find something with more suitable hours if she tried and that it’s quite dangerous for a young girl (albeit an adult, just,) to be walking about, standing at a bus stop and making her way home at 2am?!

The reason I brought moving away from uni and that I posted on here before I discuss with DH is he much more laid back than me already thinks that I am over protective and I know his response is going to be “she is 18 and is going to have to navigate all this stuff on her own in a few months” which I agree to an extent but I feel while she is at home we should still be guiding her to make safe and sensible decisions.

AIBU and would you be happy for your own DC to do this?

OP posts:
helpfulperson · 26/02/2025 18:00

I would say it's good practice for being away from home.

Tumbleweed44 · 26/02/2025 18:01

If she is 18 can she drive?

Personally, no I would not like this for my DC but my DC could drive from 17 and a half and started Uni two weeks after turning 18 so the issue never came up when they were at home.

Original poster
Theteenagerera · 26/02/2025 18:08

No unfortunately she can’t drive.

She has had a few lessons and has been out with DH but realistically won’t be passing her test before she leaves for uni and not something wehave prioritised as it’s not a car friendly city and with an inner campus

OP posts:
Octavia64 · 26/02/2025 18:10

Many pubs and clubs are staffed by 18-25 year olds.

Do you have a specific reason to be more worried about her (she is particularly naive, might go with people, etc?)

TheWorminLabyrinth · 26/02/2025 18:12

She's 18. She could be falling out of bars & clubs off her head, instead she's going to work. Virtually all city centre bars are staffed by young people. You're being ridiculous.

Snooks1971 · 26/02/2025 18:18

Tbh, I initially thought no I wouldn’t be happy about this and was going to suggest Uber etc as a possibility (shared cost with you perhaps)

Then I thought again and actually yes I do think it’s good practise for navigating leaving clubs etc in the early hours. Also, she will be stone cold sober after work and hyper aware of her surroundings, despite predictably being surrounded by pretty annoying pissed people!

IdaGlossop · 26/02/2025 18:21

She has to do it and look after herself. I wouldn't like it but I wouldn't allow myself to try and stop it.

Bigwitsits · 26/02/2025 18:22

My dd is in a similar position. Went for a normal hours job in the town centre. They’ve manipulated it into starting at 5am at another branch on an industrial estate through various underpasses. It’s not safe. They should provide a taxi if they want young people to do these hours. They used to.

tillyandmilly · 26/02/2025 18:26

I would feel nervous about her at 2 am in a city -waiting for a bus - up to 10pm no problem but 2 am no I would not be happy

TappyGilmore · 26/02/2025 18:29

I would have the same concerns as you OP and I’m someone who lives in a reasonably nice/safe city (although somewhat sporadic bus service).

It’s totally different from just going out to pubs/clubs, if she was going out then she’s probably unlikely to be alone. Finishing work she may well be alone if she doesn’t have a co-worker who is travelling in the same direction.

Tumbleweed44 · 26/02/2025 18:29

I don’t think it is the same as being with a group of friends at all completely different imo. My DC and their friends all look out for each other in nights out. I worked in Casino bar at Uni and regulars could be creepy and hang around after closing knowing I was leaving. Thankfully, the bouncers always walked me to the bus stop.

I would pick her up the first few times and see if she has made friends at work and if she feels they all will look out for each other on the way home. If someone else is going to the bus station to get the night bus that is fine too.

We prioritised DC driving even though like your DD their Uni is in a non car friendly city. It didn’t cross our minds to postpone learning to drive just because of the Uni they were going to. It is a life skill after all.

Seeline · 26/02/2025 18:37

I can understand your concerns. My DS is doing similar at the moment in a South London suburb known for knife issues. It was the only thing he could find after graduating (so is older).
But the point is, he applied for loads of jobs (to cover until his grad job starts in September), and it was the only one he got, even with a decent CV. It is really hard to get part time/casual work at the moment. Extra hours go to existing employees, rather than employing new staff.

richardosmanstrousers · 26/02/2025 18:44

We have just had words on her way home as while I’m glad the interview went well I just don’t think I’d be comfortable with her getting a night bus back on her own while the pubs and clubs are piling out. Her argument is she hasn’t been able to find anything else so it’s this or nothing and I know she really wants the money.

Had words with her? An 18 year old showing initiative and wanting to work? What a shame for her. And 'her argument is...' she shouldn't have to put up an argument over this Sad

She was probably excited and happy and you just brought her right down. Bloody shame for her.

noraheggerty · 26/02/2025 18:48

She's 18. She'll be leaving home soon. It's time to let go.

You've told her what you think. That's all you can reasonably do. She's an adult living in a free country.

outerspacepotato · 26/02/2025 18:48

You're being a smother.

cramptramp · 26/02/2025 18:48

She's 18. Let her sort it out.

Msmoonpie · 26/02/2025 18:53

Do the buses even run at that time ?

MinnieCoops · 26/02/2025 19:04

I wouldn't like that at all but I am an anxiety ridden wreck a lot of the time.

Original poster
Theteenagerera · 26/02/2025 19:12

To answer some questions, she’s not vulnerable as such but she is definitely not street smart and quite naive, we have had to rescue her from various bus situations, at night including one where a drunk old man put a hand on her leg and she got really upset and froze, though I understand that becoming more streetwise and confident comes with experience.

I don’t think her getting a bus home on her own is the same as being out in a group situation. In that case she would be with her friends/a group she knows my feelings on keeping herself safe and becoming isolated on a night out.

When it comes to experiences with friends she is quite independent, has done festivals, concerts/over night stays in London, trips abroad with A level course however as a parent her finding her way home in the early hours of the morning on her own in a shit hole part of town with (probably outing) notorious for lots of trouble making drunk sailors just doesn’t feel the same thing.

OP posts:
lemonylantern · 26/02/2025 19:13

I think it’s fine, it’ll be busy. 5am I’d be concerned

Original poster
Theteenagerera · 26/02/2025 19:13

Also it would be a night bus she would get apparently, I’ll be honest I haven’t looked at what the timings would be like as she only had the interview today and she might not even get the job

OP posts:
RaininSummer · 26/02/2025 19:16

I think if finishing that late, the bar should provide a cab home. Preferably a female driver.

Original poster
Theteenagerera · 26/02/2025 19:18

I’m not sure about any travel provisions, and she wouldn’t have thought to ask I don’t think, if it helps and anyone knows, it’s a weatherspoons.

OP posts:
latetothefisting · 26/02/2025 19:19

Msmoonpie · 26/02/2025 18:53

Do the buses even run at that time ?

I was thinking this, the night buses in my city were cancelled during covid and have never been reinstated. Even if they do run, how often? Finishing at 2am and getting a 2.10 bus home is different to finishing at 2am and waiting around in the rain until 2.50.

Not to mention presumably the most common late night shifts will be on the weekend - she'll be knackered if she's up at 7ish, in school all day friday then working 6-2am, then again saturday, home by about 3.30am sunday night then back in school all week - I'm not one of those 'A levels should be their sole priority' but those working hours really aren't ideal for revising.

Maybe see how she gets on, a few weeks of it and she might decide for herself it's no good?

latetothefisting · 26/02/2025 19:22

RaininSummer · 26/02/2025 19:16

I think if finishing that late, the bar should provide a cab home. Preferably a female driver.

how would the bar have any control over what driver is assigned? there aren't many female drivers, for one thing.

An 8 minute uber costs me about a tenner, a 40-50minute journey at 2am will be at least £50! No bar is going to pay that for multiple staff every shift, they'll just hire people who are willing to get themselves there or live close.