DD making her own way home from a bar job in the city centre.

[Theteenagerera]

DD has just turned 18 and is currently doing her A levels, she has an unconditional for a uni away from home and so will be moving to said city in the summer.

She has had a few part time jobs in her teens but due to a family house move last year had to leave the last one and has struggled to find anything since.

We live on the outskirts of not a particularly nice city and it’s a good 45-50 minutes home by bus. She has just had an interview for a city centre pub and was asked if she could work to 2am which DD has said is not a problem!!

We have just had words on her way home as while I’m glad the interview went well I just don’t think I’d be comfortable with her getting a night bus back on her own while the pubs and clubs are piling out. Her argument is she hasn’t been able to find anything else so it’s this or nothing and I know she really wants the money.

For full transparency we have never put any pressure on her to find a job however I don’t think she has put as much effort into the hunting as she says she has…

some of that is not her fault as obv mid A levels however she also has the classic teen mentality things she wants will just fall into her lap and when nervous and can come across quite fumbly with words so nothing has come of introducing herself and handing CV’s into places or phone call to potential employers despite her having barista, front of house, till/closing up experience.

AIBU to think that she probably can find something with more suitable hours if she tried and that it’s quite dangerous for a young girl (albeit an adult, just,) to be walking about, standing at a bus stop and making her way home at 2am?!

The reason I brought moving away from uni and that I posted on here before I discuss with DH is he much more laid back than me already thinks that I am over protective and I know his response is going to be “she is 18 and is going to have to navigate all this stuff on her own in a few months” which I agree to an extent but I feel while she is at home we should still be guiding her to make safe and sensible decisions.

AIBU and would you be happy for your own DC to do this?

Absolutely! When Raph our eldest wanted to work at Bank of England during his year off after college we were aghast. No darling! We’ll give you a little something to keep you on drivers and trips to the races. You focus on being you.

in the real world it’s 100% ok for an 18 year old adult to have a job that pays and requires her to consider how to get home safely.

shocking!

Don’t be so bloody ridiculous. How exactly do you expect an 18 year old in full time education with upcoming life defining exams to fit in school, studying and adequate rest if she’s working until 2am? Now is the time in the final run up to A levels that most teens drastically reduce their part time job hours for a reason.

Should read back your post and think outside the tiny box you live in. Do you honestly believe that all A level students live in homes where there is no need for them to contribute to the household or their own needs?

if you believe that, your darling Ava or Arthur is going to get a shock when they go to uni and meet other folks in their course that not only did better than them but worked too.

and who is calling who ridiculous?

Unfortunately I don’t live in a tiny box and am very aware that many families are financially struggling (us included). It is clear from OP’s post however that they are not, nor is she desperate for her DD to get a job.

My DD didn’t work during her A levels for a variety of reasons - chronic pain being a big one. Even without this barrier as a parent I’d still prefer for my child to focus 100% on their studies during such important exam years and be able to fully enjoy life outside of sixth form without added stress. My view has always been that they have their entire life to work - why force them at 17 if you’re financially comfortable enough that they don’t have to?

DD is now 20, at university studying Physiotherapy and works part time alongside her hospital placements. No lack of work ethic here and she really loves her job. In summary my little Ava/Arthur has turned out absolutely fine, thank you very much! Do you really think that uni students sit there and compare their A level grades vs how much they worked during them? 🤣

This is what I was thinking.

I really wouldn't be happy with my DD travelling home alone in the middle of the night. When she goes out to a club she's with a group of friends. But using public transport alone is a whole different thing.

I've read so many post on MN by women saying they don't feel safe alone at night. Yet here almost an entire thread of posters think 18yo still at school will be fine to travel alone on public transport in the middle of the night, and presumably a have a walk from the bus stop. I'd be collecting my DD if she insisted on taking the job.

I wouldn't be happy with that, OP either. It's just too far and too many things to potentially go wrong. When DD1 had a job on Saturdays at age 16/17 that finished at 11pm - midnight we took it in turns to pick her up, until she could drive herself home.

Now she's at university she gets an Uber home from her job there back to her flat.

I'd be more concerned about her walking home on her own once she's got off the bus and potentially there is nobody around.

How far from the bus stop is your house?

I'm actually surprised at a lot of the comments on here (ie being a smotherer etc).

Ideally no woman should be walking around on her own in the middle of her night?

I pick my daughter up!

I’m presuming that they would live closer to the city centre as most students do when they live away from home and attend uni and in that case then they could walk or get a taxi.

You are right OP, her going out with a group of friends till 2 am is a very different situation which is why many groups of young women have strict rules about sticking together. She will be leaving work on her own, to wait for a night bus for the 45 minute journey home and then of course have to make her way from the bus, when anyone else on the bus has seen she is alone, to home.

I wouldn't want to do that myself two or three nights a week on a regular basis.

Is she likely to dig her heals in if you talk about the risks for what is likely to be minimum wage? Would she stick it out so as not to lose face if she did find the journey home difficult?

I don't actually believe most of these posters who think you are being ridiculous. I don't believe for one minute they are all out at 2am wandering the streets or waiting for buses on their own. The only time I've ever seen young women alone at that time of night is on CCTV footage on true crime programmes and I'm quite often out at that time.

@Theteenagerera would the job be on school nights at all? If so it would be a hard no from me. I'm sure there are teens out there who financially support their families by working during the night, but that doesn't sound like the case here, and I wouldn't want my DD to jeopardise her Alevels so she could have some spending money.

So the 2am finish would only be on the weekends, her interviewer did ask if she could finish at midnight on a weekday and DD rightly said no and it was then suggested 10pm which is of course is a sensible medium.

For me the the later nights/early mornings only being on the weekend doesn’t really make much difference from a safety point of view and I do think it would start to affect her motivation and energy levels during the week too.

DD was lucky to get her unconditional so early on and we are very proud but I’m sure as some parents can relate it can be very counterproductive to effort put in for the rest of the year and DD definitely doesn’t need any other reasons to not work hard and be disciplined in her A levels

It is interesting the assumptions about our finances as I did not allude to anything in my OP. No we didn’t push DD to get a job but she has had a fairly stressful year, we moved house and she moved schools mid A levels and we wanted her to concentrate on filling in the gaps and not have anything else to worry about though admittedly DH has pushed her to find something more than me.

Im going to speak to DH and will update later

I did it at that age, as did a lot of my friends. I don't see any problem with it.

100% agree. Poor kid. You should be happy she wants to work.

This is par for the course in these kind of jobs. My DD did it for years and it taught her valuable life skills.

dd did this
how far to bus stop and work/home

i agree you could meet her off the bus as it is only once a week

Moped?

Get a moped/125cc motorcycle. All you need to do is to take the cbt course which is one day, then you can ride on L plates for a set period before even worrying about the full test. Bikes are far cheaper than cars but ensure that if she goes down this route she has proper gear (not plain black either, being visible is key but not feminine looking), a back protector in her jacket and a helmet rated well, ideally with a gold race standard sticker rather than a cheaper moped helmet. You can even get electric ones now.

How will she get home at 10pm on week nights?
Is there the option of a taxi? Some places have staff rates or Uber might not be too expensive.

I think you need to look for ways she can give this a go. With it being Wetherspoons there might be the option to move to her uni one when she leaves home which might help her settle there too.

I think often 'valuable life skills' in these situations means dodging weirdos. At 18 my friends and I had enough trouble dodging weirdos in daylight hours let alone at night on our own by potentially drunk men at a bus stop. There is no way I would be encouraging such a job as I think it sounds terrifying but then I'm a but of a homebody these days and being out at night isn't something I enjoy. Not sure what the answer is but ideally another job during daylight hours would surely be preferable even on reduced pay.

Get her a rape alarm but let her do it.

I do think it would start to affect her motivation and energy levels during the week too.
How do you think that'll work once she's away at uni? that there will be no late nights out at the weekend?
I am as always amazed at the naïveté of parents on MN, she's an adult and needs to be treated as such.

She could cycle, its quick and streets would be quiet

Do people who say this have any idea of

1 - how much taxis cost?
a 40-50 minute uber ride with the late night and surge pricing - you're talking about £60plus at least, that's if you get someone willing to go out that far- they don't get paid for the return journey so most drivers would prefer to be doing more frequent shorter journeys at peak club kicking out time, not basically writing themselves off for nearly 2 hours.

2- how much bar staff get paid?
As an 18 year old minimum wage is £8.60 - a six hour shift would be £51.60

The taxi could very well cost MORE than her entire shift (bear in mind bus fare there too) - thus rendering the job pointless.

I assume "your daughter and friends" are either very wealthy, live much closer to where they go out than OPs Dd or get sole ubers very rarely, not after every shift. So not really helpful or relevant in these specific circumstances.

She’s an adult. How do you think other adults get home from night jobs?

You’re being ridiculous and infantilising. You cannot and should not be forbidding a legal adult to make her own way home from her own paid job.

How do you imagine uni students her age get around?

Depends on her degree?
I worked about 20 hours a week as a student but I only had 6 contact hours so could fit everything else (reading, essays, going out) in as and when. Also none of my lectures were at 9am!

If shes in uni she will probably be in accommodation much closer to the city centre than a 50 minute journey.

Getting in at 2.20am then getting up at 11 is a bit different to getting up at 7 for school, being there until 3.30, rushing to change, eat, and get into town by 6 (let alone squeeze in some homework), work an 8 hr shift until 2am, get home after 3am, then get up at 7am again for school....most adults don't do 20hr days with 2 "jobs".
Even with weekend shifts Saturday would be her only completely "free" day - she'd still have school before or after on Fri or Sun.