DD making her own way home from a bar job in the city centre.

[Theteenagerera]

DD has just turned 18 and is currently doing her A levels, she has an unconditional for a uni away from home and so will be moving to said city in the summer.

She has had a few part time jobs in her teens but due to a family house move last year had to leave the last one and has struggled to find anything since.

We live on the outskirts of not a particularly nice city and it’s a good 45-50 minutes home by bus. She has just had an interview for a city centre pub and was asked if she could work to 2am which DD has said is not a problem!!

We have just had words on her way home as while I’m glad the interview went well I just don’t think I’d be comfortable with her getting a night bus back on her own while the pubs and clubs are piling out. Her argument is she hasn’t been able to find anything else so it’s this or nothing and I know she really wants the money.

For full transparency we have never put any pressure on her to find a job however I don’t think she has put as much effort into the hunting as she says she has…

some of that is not her fault as obv mid A levels however she also has the classic teen mentality things she wants will just fall into her lap and when nervous and can come across quite fumbly with words so nothing has come of introducing herself and handing CV’s into places or phone call to potential employers despite her having barista, front of house, till/closing up experience.

AIBU to think that she probably can find something with more suitable hours if she tried and that it’s quite dangerous for a young girl (albeit an adult, just,) to be walking about, standing at a bus stop and making her way home at 2am?!

The reason I brought moving away from uni and that I posted on here before I discuss with DH is he much more laid back than me already thinks that I am over protective and I know his response is going to be “she is 18 and is going to have to navigate all this stuff on her own in a few months” which I agree to an extent but I feel while she is at home we should still be guiding her to make safe and sensible decisions.

AIBU and would you be happy for your own DC to do this?

Because I would, I would go to bed earlier and I would do it for my dc. It’s not EVERY night.

I think there's a difference between this situation and going out drinking with friends until 2am then walking back together for example at uni. Of course there is the odd occasion that finding your own way home is necessary (if meeting up with friends you don't live with etc) but I wouldn't be happy with this on a regular basis

That’s just called having teens I’m afraid! Sacrifices are needed. That being said I’d do everything in my power to avoid my DD needing to work such antisocial hours in the midst of A levels.

Tbf the walking up and down thing has worked for my brother and a friend recently so it’s not always that way. I had a very hard time looking for a similar kind of thing online last year.

YABU to tell her not to take the job. You would be reasonable to talk through scenarios she might find herself in, or to let her know there are apps to help with women's safety at night.

To be cheesy: don't clip her wings, help her fly.

I wouldn't be happy. I'm not happy that my 18 year old has just had an interview in a pub, although she'd be finishing at 12 not 2.
I think it's too dangerous personally. Yes she'll be sober but also on her own, which makes it worse.
But she's 18, you can't stop her and if it's the only job she can get there's not a lot you can do.

I have a 19 year old. Have never had to collect them at 2am. They arrange lifts with friends or book taxis.

Have a 20yo. Taxis and public transport are impossible to get in our city past midnight. Would always pick DD up if she needs it rather than be one of those parents who relies on others to do it for them. Hope this helps 👍

Same…a taxi would not drive out my way on a busy night and it would be extortionate. I would do it for my dc…that’s all I’m saying

My daughter was looking for a bar job at uni and I decided to give her more of an allowance in order for her not to take the jobs, as I wasn’t happy about her walking home late at night/early morning on her own. I used to do it while I was at uni though.

I thought you were going to say she'd be walking home. Even if she was, I'd say if she's old enough for a bar job she's old enough to make that decision herself, but if there's a night bus I'd have no misgivings at all.

You say you haven't pressured her to work but have you actually told her not to find work and focus on her studies? I wouldn't want my DC working in a pub let alone til 2am and while they are 18 year old students. Give her an allowance and remind her of her great qualitiesit sounds like a confidence crisis. Suggest she volunteers in a safe relevant field to her studies,or even babysitting or dog walking or something that is safer and in daylight and normal hours. Pubs are horrid places specially for female staff and its dangerous to be leaving at 2am.

No need to be nasty. I was actually interested in how you cope if you have to get up for work. I don’t rely on others. She has a couple of friends who drive and offer.

And i wouldnt bank on them being sober often they are drinking at the end of the shift and there can be pressure to drink and join in. Creepy drunk men perving. Ugh
How desperate is she for £5 an hour.. just yuck at pubs.

Haven’t read the whole thread but my reaction is no it’s so unsafe.

I used to walk 40 mins home from my pub job at 19. At 18 my job was a bit closer but I walked back after midnight. At 17 I walked to breakfast shifts for a 6am start.

She needs to gain some independence, she's an adult.

It’s her decision whether she takes the job (as a young non-driver). She’s an adult. I’d go mad if an organisation took it upon themselves not to offer me a job I was perfectly well qualified for because someone (not sure who would be given that responsibility within said firm) decided my journey home was ‘too dangerous’. That would ridiculous and totally unjust.

I do think that as parents we also need to be better at risk assessment. Yes, of course being out at night at 2am is not necessarily as safe as being out in the middle of the day, but young women are not routinely being grabbed off busses at 2am. I recently had to make a similar point to someone who was upset that i was letting Ds take a bus at 5pm when it was dark - it's the same bus he always takes. It stops outside his activity and then delivers him practically to our door. 5pm in the dark in winter on a bus is not significnatly different to 5pm on a bus in the summer when it's light - it's the same commuters, same families etc - even though it FEELS very different.

If course, we all know the risk is often a bit more subtle/less "hardcore", especially for girls and women - uncomfortabel situations, lecherous men coming in for a grope or making inappropriate comments etc, but again, simply avoiding all situations where this can potentially happen is not practical. A night bus from the pub to home is a relatively good option all things considered.

My son got a job 2am finish officially. By the time the staff had cleaned up and he had got back to university was more like 4am. He had lectures/workshop at 9am so had to sack it off.

I can completely understand your concern. I would be the same but then I am not the best person for giving advice in situations like this as I am a huge worrier myself.
Not sure of the solution here but hoping all works out for you all.

I wouldn’t be happy about it, even though I did it when I was her age. I think that if she can cope with a bar job, it’s probably going to make her very street smart, very quickly.

If it makes you feel better, get her a rape alarm and drum it into her to keep it in her coat pocket and to have her phone in her other pocket, or if you’re up for a late night chat, have her call you and talk through her route home off the bus with her, so you know what road she’s in if anything happens. Creepy old man trying his luck? Noise and aggressive swearing. No earphones. Make sure she knows to sit downstairs, in an aisle seat of the bus. Door keys in hand before she gets to her front door. Walk down the middle of the road if she feels uncomfortable about overgrown areas or abandoned houses.

I used to have nail scissors in my pocket, but in hindsight, that was a very silly thing to do and at a time when I was so convinced of my own invincibility I thought I’d stand a chance at hurting an attacker, rather than have them taken off me and used against me 🤦‍♀️

Then they would just employ drivers.

And what if they are 18 and hundreds of miles away at uni?

It is an utterly stupid idea. Apart from the very real safety aspects, now is the time she wants to be stopping or certainly drastically reducing part time work not taking on more! By the time she's got home, wound down and got to sleep it won't be far short of 3.30/4 am. It will fuck up her sleep cycle at a crucial time!

She can when she's living under the ops roof, and being fed, housed and probably clothed by the op. The deal is the parents do this so their dc can focus on exams!