DD making her own way home from a bar job in the city centre.

[Theteenagerera]

DD has just turned 18 and is currently doing her A levels, she has an unconditional for a uni away from home and so will be moving to said city in the summer.

She has had a few part time jobs in her teens but due to a family house move last year had to leave the last one and has struggled to find anything since.

We live on the outskirts of not a particularly nice city and it’s a good 45-50 minutes home by bus. She has just had an interview for a city centre pub and was asked if she could work to 2am which DD has said is not a problem!!

We have just had words on her way home as while I’m glad the interview went well I just don’t think I’d be comfortable with her getting a night bus back on her own while the pubs and clubs are piling out. Her argument is she hasn’t been able to find anything else so it’s this or nothing and I know she really wants the money.

For full transparency we have never put any pressure on her to find a job however I don’t think she has put as much effort into the hunting as she says she has…

some of that is not her fault as obv mid A levels however she also has the classic teen mentality things she wants will just fall into her lap and when nervous and can come across quite fumbly with words so nothing has come of introducing herself and handing CV’s into places or phone call to potential employers despite her having barista, front of house, till/closing up experience.

AIBU to think that she probably can find something with more suitable hours if she tried and that it’s quite dangerous for a young girl (albeit an adult, just,) to be walking about, standing at a bus stop and making her way home at 2am?!

The reason I brought moving away from uni and that I posted on here before I discuss with DH is he much more laid back than me already thinks that I am over protective and I know his response is going to be “she is 18 and is going to have to navigate all this stuff on her own in a few months” which I agree to an extent but I feel while she is at home we should still be guiding her to make safe and sensible decisions.

AIBU and would you be happy for your own DC to do this?

her interviewer did ask if she could finish at midnight on a weekday and DD rightly said no

She probably isn't going to get the job anyway then, there will be plenty who interviewed and said yes to midnight finishes. What is the point in a member of bar staff who leave a couple of hours before close/clearup

I worked in clubs during my twenties and at the end of the night the club organised taxis for staff to get home, there was a duty of care to ensure we all got home safe. That was in the 90s.

My son is 21 but was 20 last summer. He had a very similar job with late finishes. He found that he could either stay at work until just before the hourly bus or go to the 24 hour McDonald’s near the bus stop. There’s also a licensed trade bar for hospitality workers in our city that’s near the bus stop so another safe place to wait. If there are options like this then she’ll be ok.

Can she cycle or get a licence to have a scooter?

Hmm my DS student accomodation was not near the city centre. He had a nightclub job. However he can drive

Bar work at that age is the absolute best. It’s likely the type of part time work she’ll find at Uni too. The life and people skills she’ll gain will be amazing, OP! Sadly we can’t protect them from everything; when I did bar work frequently at weekends a few of us would all get home together. I became great, great friends with some of the staff and we’d go out together, get back to each others houses, etc.

They definitely do

I've never heard of transport being provided. I worked in a club closing at 2 in the 2000s it wasn't a thing then.
OP ultimately shes 18 you can give your opinion but it's her decision.

I wouldn't like this for my DD at all.

I wouldn't feel right about it either OP but on MN you'll hear people telling you you're being ridiculous and they used to travel across the city alone when they were 5. Ignore them.
If you're worried then you're worried. I would be too. How far is the bus stop from her work and how far is the bus stop from your house?
Also, of course she'll be going out when she goes to uni but it's far different to be out with a group of mates than walking alone at that time of night.

She's 18. Her risk assessment is up to her.

The vast majority of young women who have to make their through cities at 2am get home unscathed. It's really important to remember those, and not the minority of sad cases which make the headlines.

You can't guarantee safety 100% - when can you, in life? - but for me at that age, I preferred to take the risk than to confine myself to my house at night. You simply can't live according to worst case scenarios.

When were these incidents?

She's 18. She could be living in a different city away from you and you'd have no clue what she was doing.

This is an 18 year old taking responsibility and getting a job. That's more than many.

You really need to adjust to the fact this is not your call to make and you need to just support her. Otherwise you could crush her willingness to be independent.

What is she going to do if she doesn't take this job? She's got no experience and can't demonstrate a work ethic.

It's a competitive job market ATM. This is an entry level job that will open doors for her.

She has a can do attitude and is positive. You are seeking to restrict her with a can't do attitude. That's not ok.

Time to stop being overbearing and let her learn from mistakes. Making mistakes is part of being young. It's normal and frankly healthy. Every generation has to go through this process unfortunately.

So update..

was able to speak to DH much sooner as I thought as I missed my bus this morning so he dropped me off! 😅

He is on the same page as me on everything, and said ultimately that would be our weekend nights gone as he would have to pick her up (I don’t drive) and it absolutely be a no to a night bus as they are human zoo’s (his words!) that’s reassured me as he strives to build resilience and independence in our DC much more than I do and I did wonder if he would fall in the “she’ll be fine” side of discussion.

He has also thinks that is the wrong time to take on a late night/early morning job just as her A levels are approaching and ultimately she needs to find a Saturday job and probably hasn’t put as much effort to doing this as he said she has.

It’s interesting to me those who choose to treat their DC as mature, fully functioning adults as soon as they turn 18. DD was a child in the eyes of law little more than 3 weeks ago and just because her age has gone up doesn’t mean that we are going to stop guiding and parenting her or she needs that any less.

Except you have missed the part where I said that she has worked since she was 15 and has experience in barista, KP, front of house, till work and closing up…

She has also travelled much of the UK for festivals, gigs, concerts, exhibitions, in small and bigger groups.

She is not some little bird with her wings clipped but I do have worries about her making her way home from a shitty city centre renowned for assults and crime in the early hours of the morning on a bus full of drunk sailors on her own.

Im honestly surprised at how many parents would not at least consider this quite an unsafe and poor option

it absolutely be a no to a night bus as they are human zoo’s (his words!)

How much experience does your husband have of travelling on the night bus at 2am?

I think she should be focusing on her A levels not working til 2 am. She’ll get one shot at her A levels, there are always crappy jobs in bars available.

I do have worries about her making her way home from a shitty city centre renowned for assults and crime in the early hours of the morning on a bus full of drunk sailors on her own.
If you're talking literally about drunk sailors and an above average dangerous city then I revise my original opinion and agree with you.

My daughter was almost 19, no sailors on the night bus, mainly students and young people, and she went to university in the city so knew it well.

Quite a lot!

I share your concern - but she needs money and experience. I’d probably set and alarm and go get her every night. Not ideal, but it’s not forever either.

I am talking about literal drunk sailors, the city centre is about a mile from a huge naval base.

Hmm. Because I was 18 once and used to go all over the show by myself. I refused to live in fear. It's not a parenting issue for me at all. It's one about freedom and not wishing to live by this restriction.

You have to learn to deal with it unfortunately imho.

Otherwise why don't you just lock up young women and say they shouldn't have a job at all, because something might happen. Don't go out ever. Don't go on a date.

It's all very well saying it's different when with mates, but you can get separated from mates or fall out with them.

What's the point in living, if you aren't actually living?

Make the most of life and take the opportunities you want. And deal with shit, when it comes rather than if it comes.

I just do not share this prison guard mentality of locking up women until... Yes until WHEN? When are you going to allow her to make these decisions herself? What's your criteria for saying 'oh yes well you ARE old enough now'?

She'll move out and you won't even be aware of it.

She doesn't need your approval. These are HER decisions to make.

And?

Medical student I know used to Uber home from late night bar shifts. Is it worth looking at what this would cost?

Now I’m wondering if it is you who is quite naive and hasn’t had a lot of life experience?…

I have thanks.

I have also heard of taxis operating on Saturday nights.

I disagree with you. That doesn't mean I'm naive. Nor does it mean I have issues with my parental judgement.

I am just aware that these conversations and preparation for independent need to come before age 18 regardless of maturity because once they are 18 they don't have to listen.

You can do more harm than good by being overprotective in various ways. SHE has to risk assess. Not you.

It's better for her to be doing this sober and with a potential 'help dad' NOW rather than in six months drunk in a strange city miles from home.