To feel threatened by OW

[Preear]

I have lost all of my confidence since ex left me for somebody else. We have 2 kids who are 4 and 7 and they have just been on holiday with them and my son is now crying because he kisses dad (he is 4) my daughter however said it didn’t feel right being on holiday without me. I am so worried that this woman is going to my place. I can’t afford to take them on holiday etc and I don’t want another man right now (it’s only been 5 months since we split) somebody tell me to get a grip

And what would this achieve. Kids look to their parents as to how to respond to issues. Kicking off and causing conflict will make the children feel anxious, unsafe and uncomfortable. If you are able to show them that you are coping well then they will cope well. If you want to spread your own feelings of rejection and hurt on to your children then kicking up a fuss is the way to go. If you want to foster a co-parenting relationship then it's not.

Op- your children are feeling torn. They love their dad very much and they are probably aware that you don't like each other very much at the moment. But you are their mum. Even if their dad is not making them the centre of the decision-making you keep being the safe, loving, warm, responsive parent you clearly are and they will always know you are their only mum. You can not control what he does or who he does it with. No court in the land is interested in whether dad has a new girlfriend or not. Focus on what you can control- building a very warm, loving and supportive environment at home.

Being fun dad with holidays is great. Ask your children what they loved about the holiday? I bet you can replicate what they did at home. Swimming, sandcastles, ice cream, late nights... You can do all of those things at home.

Do what did Op do that caused her to have such bad Karma.

Karma is bullshit.

He swears blind he didn’t have an affair. It was definitely at least emotional but he said sometimes things move quick 🙄

OP - that poster recently started a thread asking how you can tell if a potential affair partner is interested so I wouldn’t take any notice as it’s clear what angle she’s coming from

It’s not going to seem like it now, but I promise you, there’s going to be a point in the future where you are thanking your lucky stars that this woman came along and that neither she or your ex were capable of keeping their pants on. Because it’s possible that they’ll live happily ever after, but far more likely that, eventually the cracks will start to appear. The age gap will become more apparent and they’ll start remembering how many lies they told when they first started cheating. He’ll stop being on his best behaviour and will start letting his negative qualities creep in. And by that point, you will feel nothing but relief that he’s not your problem anymore and that you’re free from him and his nastiness.

And you wouldn’t be human if you didn’t feel the way you do, but nobody is taking away your position as mum. They might like her, and they might even grow fond of her, but she’s never going to come within a million miles of replacing you in their eyes, and she’ll know this. Kids don’t work the same way as cheating husbands.

You need to remember those two old but true sayings: revenge is a dish best served cold, and the best revenge is living well. You are on the up. It might not feel like it but things are getting better and better and you are getting stronger and stronger every single day. There’s going to be a time when you are feeling your absolute best and everything in your life is positive. And that’s eventually going to coincide with the time that everything in their lives is gradually deteriorating, bit by bit. And you can look at your beautiful children and feel very smug that you’re free of him.

And Butlins. It’s cheap, you can pay it in bits over a year, take food shopping with you and it doesn’t matter how much he spends on fancy locations, it’ll be a week in Butlins with their mum that they’ll have enjoyed the most.

Id be gutted op and scared there's this new woman in my kids life.
Just keep hold of the fact that you are mum, no one can replace you. Hopefully you have some good friends and family you can turn to and have a good vent

If it is a normal reaction how come he is absolutely fine?

I have said YABU because no one can replace a child's real mum

It's been over three years for me now. My husband left without warning when my son was a baby and I was in the depths of PND, and to be honest even now I still feel like a shell of myself.

He had been cheating but denied it (I only knew because after he left I was diagnosed with an STD, charming). I've no clue if the woman he now lives with is the one he cheated with and for some reason not having that answer stings a bit. My son stays with them at her house one weekend a month and it still gets to me - though more over what an easy life ex is living in this lovely new home he's not paying any rent in while also paying almost nothing towards his child or showing any interest in his life outside of the 40hours he's there, while I continue to struggle emotionally, physically and financially this far on.

I had to leave a job, home and city I loved to move to be closer to my family support network as I couldn't cope on my own - especially with his constant threats to call SS on me and have my son taken off me any time I stood up to him. So at least distance has alleviated that but taken away any joy and independence I had for myself outside of being a mum. It's like he threw a bomb into my life and walked away happy and unschathed, while I'm still picking up the pieces with no end in sight.

Your post gives me hope that maybe that feeling will shift at some point, because living like this for so long is truly miserable.

Hugs, OP. I really hope you feel better soon. It’s going to be hard, but you have to find your way to happiness.

Your kids WILL NOT think OW is their mum. But it’s nice of her to be good to them. It won’t damage your kids if your ex and OW break up.

Find ways to make memories with your kids. Make mud cakes, play in the water, fly kites, bake together. These will matter, not a random holiday with dad’s GF. No matter how much fun they had, they’ll always cherish the fun moments they spent with YOU.

OP the posters saying nonsense like "get over yourself" are venting at you as they cannot get anger about their lives out in other ways.
It's normal to feel sadness after a split and then to see your DC on holiday with you as a family and within a year off with ex and OW as though a family is horrible.
While you support your DCs to go off and have fun it would be odd if you didn't care or were pushing them out the door without a thought.

I started staying at premier inn for little breaks with my son when I became a single mum when he was 8. We've always had the best time. He is 14 now and still loves doing this.
He loved that we always took a box of fancy chocolates as he called them to eat at night whilst watching a film.
I have a partner now but me and my son still do these trips alone, we still take a box of fancy chocolates with us too😂
We are so close yet his dad with the big house and fancy holidays are not close at all. He made the mistake of moving in with other woman within 2 months of leaving, still together but neither close to my son.
Honestly concentrate on you and the kids and it will all fall in to place.
I use tesco vouchers towards days out, cinema and meals when away. Now it's all playing pool, Darts and escape rooms now he's older.
From someone who has been there, it will all be okay x

It's not real and it's a really unhelpful statement that posters keep stating as some sort of fact, I wish they'd stop it because if they thought about it, it's you and the children at the brunt of this, not him.

Back to your post, you are their mum, their one and only mum and nothing and nobody else will ever take your place. It will get better and you will come through this stronger - you have no choice. You can't go through something like this and come through it without strength that you never realised you even had.

I think you misunderstood what I meant. I absolutely do not believe OP deserved this in anyway.

What I don’t understand is how somebody can come out of such a long relationship and immediately get with somebody else. I am absolutely destroyed at what he has done to us and he is absolutely fine!

It would achieve the emotional protection of her children who have barely had a minute to understand that their parents are not together and now they’re being exposed to new partners.

I understand that other people wouldn’t want to create conflict and that’s up to them but for me certainly I would not be letting Disney dad swan off with the OW. If he gave a shit about his kids he wouldn’t have been shagging about in the first place.

Sadly some people can’t even let the bed get cold before jumping in with someone else. And generally men seem to move on pretty quickly without a glance.

It is possible, OP, that you're ex is fine because there was an overlap and he had checked out of the relationship earlier than you may realise. My exH announced new girlfriend within 6 months, moved in with her shortly afterwards. Logically, to me, there is no way that there was not an affair going on before he told me that he was leaving.

As for Karma, you'll reach a stage where you don't think that way anymore; you'll be content in your own life. I am almost 6 years on now, new (lovely) partner, I actually really like my exH's girlfriend, she's really kind to my dc. Now, I'm glad that he left me, it was the right decision. We are all amicable and supportive which makes things a lot easier all round.

There is a recovery process to go through and you are only at the start of it now. You will absolutely be fine in time. It's a huge shock to absorb and a big adjustment.

Op, THIS.

That’s heartbreaking :( Does your ex not live nearby? Can he come over to do this once or twice a month ?

No she can't. Unless there are safeguarding issues each parent can go whatever they want on their time and the other parent cannot stop it. If the op were to deny contact and the ex has anything about him, he'd take her to court and win. There's a difference between what is morally right and legally enforced.

It’s a normal reaction for you because you are a decent person who has had a horrible thing happen to them.

He’s fine, because he is a selfish arsehole who is only interested in instant gratification. And he’s fine now, now that everything is going his way and you’re putting the children first so that he doesn’t have to, and his new romance is still fun and exciting. Give it 12 months and I think you’ll both be in very different positions in terms of who is fine and who is not.

Yes I agree 🙄.... Just a light-hearted comment trying to be nice and supportive to mum who might need a reminder if how important she is in her children's lives and how unique and unmatched her role as mother is FFS.

I’d have safeguarding concerns if this was my situation. Unless I’d met this woman and spent time with her and felt she was safe to be around my children I’d absolutely have safeguarding concerns. She’s a stranger.

Still bugger all you can do about it other than go to court, and your reasoning for having safeguarding concerns (she's a stranger) would be thrown out. You don't have to like it, but there's little you can do.